Bachelor in Paradise recap: Good Vibrations
I have to say that the most dramatic thing that came out of last night’s Season 4 debut of Bachelor in Paradise was not the fact that both Raven and Nashville Danielle got new boobs, but that our beloved bartender Jorge is branching out to run his own business. He’s leaving the vital chore of shepherding drunk people through the emotional task of rose-picking to a deejay.
How does any of this make sense? Will a Jorge-less Paradise be the same? Doesn’t ABC care about tradition?
Listen, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that ABC doesn’t care what you or I think about Bachelor in Paradise traditions. All they care about are the facts:
- Jade and Tanner are a direct result of this trashy little show and they are MARRIED and expecting a baby.
- Carly and Evan are a direct result of this trashy little show and they are MARRIED and expecting a baby.
- (Forget Season 1 ever happened…)
- Above everything else, ABC is concerned about the well-being of Paradise dwellers, both physically and mentally. That’s why every swag bag comes with Prozac, Germ Squirt, a 25%-off coupon to Jorge’s Tours, and a Bic pen to sign the “let’s have horizontal relations” consent form.
The episode begins with a forlorn looking Paradise set. It’s silent and dark. No one in scantily clad bikinis or shorty shorts are galavanting around in hot tubs. Alcohol does not flow freely. Nary a rose in sight. The overcast sky warns us that gloom and doom is inevitable. And there’s Our Host Chris Harrison, looking incredible in his seaside casual wear, smelling of Banana Boat, a strong Mai Tai, and nautical adventure. The fact that he’s barefoot is an unexpected bonus.
Harrison points to the elephant in the cabana (read: room) and admits that after two days in Paradise, ABC’s little “show about summer fun” made a serious left turn into Legal Land. Since we all are addicted to social media, everyone watching knows that he’s talking about CorMario. DeMorinne? DeCorario?
Choose your favorite amalgamation, because ABC has no qualms about airing all of the network’s grievances since no one went to jail. SCORE! So for episode 1, we watch, gathering clues because we know what’s about to go down in less than 48-hours.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Chick-Fil-A drive through girl who obsessed with This Is Us and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Why you remember her: Experienced the big O and then danced to 70s-style music after the fact.
What’s new with Raven: Her boobs.
Raven is excited to be in Paradise. In fact, she’s signed up for the Jade/Tanner or Carly/Evan experience and plans to be engaged in six weeks. For some reason, her denim panties don’t bother me. Is it because she’s in an environment where that is acceptable? Interesting…
She embraces the role of “girl group leader” and has no problem checking in with her squad after new meat arrives. She’s more of a collector of information verses therapist. It sounds like she will be the keeper of statistics and logistics when it comes to her female tribe’s likes and dislikes. At first I thought it was because she’s a peacemaker, but now I think she wants to make sure Raven gets first dibs and first right of refusal. She’s the Alpha bird.
Why you remember him: He’s super dreamy and has a challenging family.
What’s new with Dean: His hair is way better but his pants are still tight.
Newsflash: Everyone loves Dean. And I mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E, including the guys. They call him Deanie Baby and love to bro out with him. The girls call him hot and love to gaze into his crystal blue eyes. Dean’s smile never leaves his face. He’s cordial, sweet, and mingles with everyone in a respectful way. But he only has eyes for one Paradiser…
Why you remember her: Mother Russia is back!
What’s new with Mother Russia: Highlights and a joyful disposition.
Mother Russia rocks a romper on the beach. Dean immediately pulls her away for some alone time and they giggle because both are so darn charming and embarrassed by the general “this is weird” of it all. He likes her. She likes him. They both have dysfunctional families. It’s been thirty minutes and sparks are flying. Could they be the next Janner?
Why you remember her: From Nashville, always looks tired, fiancé passed away.
What’s new with Nashville: Her boobs.
Nashville is already insecure about things. And it’s not just because she’s the only one with short hair. She is nervous that no one is going to like her. That no one’s name is Dean. It sort of sucks that he’s already crushing on Mother Russia. What’s a girl to do?
Take tequila shots with Jorge, that’s what. Salud!
Why you remember him: He’s the other Ben. Not Peter Brady Ben Higgins.
What’s new with Ben Z: He has a dog that he really, really, really loves.
Poor, sweet, what-were-you-thinking-Ben Z. He zones in on Raven because she’s wearing a look he digs: bikini top and denim panties. He takes her to the beach bed and prattles on about his dog. At first I thought he was droning on and on about Zeus because he conducted some light recon on Raven’s Instagram account. She loves dogs? Okay, HE will love dogs too! But after watching the entire episode, I can confirm that he indeed loves his dog more than most humans in his life.
Why you remember him: Iggy is a know-it-all.
What’s new with Iggy: He thinks everything is dope.
Iggy conducts color commentary for the camera. He is strategic, which I don’t like. He’s there to couple up with a girl so he can hang with his true love, Dean, in Paradise for the foreseeable future. Iggy straight up bugs.
Why you remember her: She likes to choke people and wear teeny tiny bikini bottoms.
What’s new with Jasmine: She still likes choking people.
Jasmine looks forward to meeting Rachel’s rejects, because she knows those boys like a woman with her skin tone. She is pumped that so many of them came to Paradise. I half expected her to hand out little speed dating cards that invite the men to meet her at certain times by the bar. She didn’t.
Why you remember him: Jack Stone has a serial killer vibe.
What’s new with Jack Stone: I think he may have lost his job.
Jack Stone wants everyone to know that he is not a serial killer. He’s just not. He’s a lawyer and everyone needs to calm down or so help him…
Why you remember her: Alexis is the sholphin.
What’s new with Alexis: Long, stringy hair extensions.
Alexis arrives in her shark outfit. Everyone laughs. She displays her potty mouth. Everyone laughs. Her fake boobs must have celebrated their second birthday by now. Remember how Nick gave her a cupcake during his season to celebrate the first year? Oh how I hate typing that sentence. Anyway, her boobs kept popping out of her swimsuit top all night long and although the Black Modest Box didn’t make an appearance, the blur feature was on overdrive.
She did provide one of my favorite lines of the night. Please repeat the following in your best New Jersey accent: “It’s hot as bawls out heeyah.”
Sadly, Alexis isn’t feeling many of the options ABC has trotted out in front of her. She is feeling her massive hoop earrings, though.
Why you remember him: He had a girlfriend and is about to halt production.
What’s new with DeMario: An annoying whistle that he constantly blows. He’s also eager to find the next Mrs. Jackson.
No one is excited that DeMario has been invited to the island. Before he even arrives, Nashville puts it best when she alerts the group that, “We are not attracted to d-bags. He doesn’t stand a chance in Paradise.”
Meanwhile, outside, Harrison gives DeMario the run-down:
Did he have a girlfriend?
Did that girl thinks she was his girlfriend?
Harrison forgot to ask DeMario if there are other women back home who might think they are DeMario’s girlfriend. When he bounds down the steps blowing his nerve bristling whistle, the girls barely acknowledge him. DeMario understands that he must crack Raven before anyone else, so he pulls her aside to plead his case. Raven wants him to be a man and admit that he needs to just own the situation. So he does.
Then they talk about vibes. Be warned that this is a thing. It’s all about the vibes this season. Being 100 is sooooooo yesterday. We must have vibes that promote fun, mingling, and “being the wing man for that awkward guy in the corner who doesn’t know how to relate.”
I’m looking at you, Alex.
Why you remember him: He’s the love child of Paul Walker and Jim Halpert who cried as JoJo led him to the rejection limo while a woman sang on the balcony.
What’s new with Derek: Very impressive forearms and tons of swagger.
Derek is my favorite of the group, but I’m a little worried about Big Tuna. There’s a slight chip on his shoulder. Also, he dives head first into a relationship and that just seems silly to me on night one. But I get it. If anyone is diving toward me, I’d want it to be this guy.
Why you remember him: Short military guy who beat out The Chad on JoJo’s two-on-one date.
What’s new with Alex: Derek apparently hates him.
I’m not sure Alex is going to make it past the first week. The most on-camera action he receives is when Corinne and DeMario jump in the pool behind him while he films a talking head package. The camera crew ditches him for the yahoos who are drunk in the pool.
We all know what happens after that.
Why you remember her: She wants to make things Corinne again.
What’s new with Corinne: The two margaritas she drinks on the way to the island, the champagne she shares with Harrison at the door, and the nine other cocktails that leads her to the pool with DeMario.
Corinne makes it a point to tell Harrison that she’s not going to jump on the first guy she sees. She’s learned all the important words in Spanish (cheese pasta, nap, alcohol) and Hare does a great job holding in an obligatory snort before ushering her inside. The party officially begins when Corinne shows up, which makes me believe that these people have to like her on some level. Everyone is excited by her arrival and they all take celebratory shots to commemorate the ocassion.
Then she jumps on the first guy she sees, which just so happens to be DeMario. No one cares because that means Corinne’s advancements will keep DeMario from blowing his stupid whistle. It’s a win/win for all parties involved.
Why you remember her: You probably don’t, but she calls herself the camel girl.
What’s new with Lacey: Her grandfather died and she has to leave the island the day after she gets there.
Season: JoJo and BIP Season 3
Why you remember him: He likes lamp. He also liked that girl Izzy who dumped him for that guy Brett with the 80s-style hair-do on BIP last year.
What’s new with Vinny: I have no idea.
Why you remember him: You remember his glasses.
What’s new with Diggy: It probably doesn’t matter because I think home slice is going back to the main land.
Why you remember him: Matt was the penguin who Rachel LOVED so much, but not enough to keep around.
What’s new with Matt: Hair implants.
Matty arrives on the beach in a full penguin outfit. This was the moment when I thought he would be perfect for Sholphin. Two people who go the distance when it comes to schticks! Alas, he has his eyes on something a little more aggressive than a shark. Her name is Jasmine.
Why you remember him: He dressed as Santa. He’s St. Nick. Get it?
What’s new with Nick: A possible drinking problem.
There’s trouble in Paradise. Nick has his eye on Jasmine, too. In fact, he pulls her away for a walk on the beach so he can tell her. She is flattered, but wants to play the field Rachel passed down on a silver platter. Of course that doesn’t stop her from making out with Nick in front of the entire group when the young ones chant for them to “KISS KISS KISS KISS!” What are they? In high school or playing a game of True American?
Season: Peter Brady and BIP Season 3
Why you remember her: Amanda is the young mom of two adorable girls in matching outfits and gladiator sandals, who later takes a chance in Paradise on sweaty Josh from Andi’s season.
What’s new with Amanda: Lots and lots of Botox.
I’m not sure where Amanda’s children are, but I hope she didn’t leave them in the laundry room with just Cheerios and sugar water. She’s excited to be back in Paradise and is certain this is her season to find true love. Amanda plucks the engagement ring Josh gave her from the bosom of her romper and hands it over to Our Host. I guess Uncle Neil recycles his rings now.
She later mentions that she has been on a digital dating site and swiped through more than 700 guys. Plus, she’s not big enough to be on the VIP celebrity version of this site.
I may gag.
Why you remember her: She’s a therapist who understands the definition of emotional intelligence.
What’s new with Taylor: She will fight you over the correct pronunciation of entrepreneur.
I saw both rounded cheeks of the bottom of Taylor’s butt. I should not have to report that fact, but there it is in all its glory. She also managed to repurpose one of the doilies my Mimi places on wooden furniture as a bando top.
Halpert immediately makes his way over to Taylor so he can pee all over her. He quickly learns that she wants a guy who can build a fire. He needs to be manly and buff. Derek smiles and informs Taylor that he is currently flipping a house and has built many a fire in his day.
Harrison calls everyone into the cabana to let them know that Jorge is going out on his own to run a touring business and will be replaced by renounced Bachelor alumni, Wells. More seem devastated that Jorge is leaving verses excited that a Nashville deejay will be pouring shots.
Mother Russia gets the first date card and she picks Dean to join her for dinner on top of a platform floating on a pool. Dean immediately lets her know that Nick is an idiot, but Mother Russia hushes him, knowing that if she had ended up with skinny jean wearing punk, she would’t be sitting across from Dean right now. They both giggle those embarrassing giggles again and empathize with each other’s childhoods.
Suddenly, someone yells at them. No, it’s not Corinne. It’s a mariachi band with a crew of dancers! Confetti bombs go off and the two dysfunctional twenty-somethings kiss in a sea of glitter.
I’m going to say it. I’m rooting for these two.
Back at the beach, Nick stumbles over to Jasmine so they can have a chat. A hazy, slurred, annoying chat that reeks of tequila. Nick is so drunk, he can’t have a conversation without taking his finger and wiggling it all over her face. Matt uses this opportunity to do some swooping.
Matt whisks her away to the beach bed. They talk about how she was Princess Tiana on a Disney cruise line. While I worry about whether or not Jasmine choked Prince Naveen in front of the children, Jasmine invites Matt to join her in the hot tub where she chokes something else.
The next morning, Robby arrives in all his tall, thin, bad hair, bright teeth glory. How many of you thought of this when you saw him:
Robby has a date card and he immediately takes all the girls for a quick one-on-one. He chooses Raven to be his date and she is super pumped. They ride jet skis and drink out of pineapples.
Side note: Someone needs to feed Robby a few tortillas.
Ben Z is lamenting the fact that his beloved Raven is on a date with a lifelike Ken doll. He worries that they will find a connection. I worry that Ben Z is going to get skin cancer. WEAR SOME SUNSCREEN, DUDE!
Robby and Raven arrive back on the beach later. All the boys go to one side of the cabana, while the girls go to the other. To quote my friend Some Guy in Austin, “It looked like Sandy and Danny recalling what they did on the beach that summer.”
No cheers of, “Tell me more, tell me more!” rang out from either camp, but we did get some major shade from Raven:
“I can’t go out with someone who has prettier hair, better skin, and more abs than me. He talked about being an influencer. Every time he brushed his hair, I took a drink. He’s not my person.”
I’ve never been more proud of a contestant in my entire life. It’s too bad the Social Media Influencer is totally vibing Raven so much that he’s confident he will get her rose.
Once the groups intermingle again, Nick decides to make a move on Jasmine one more time. Unfortunately, another date card arrives and his mission is thwarted.
“Matt: Pick your queen! Dreams are made in Paradise!”
So are STDs, but no one seems to care about that. Let’s do this!
Matt and Jasmine go to a drag bar. Cher and Dolly Parton dress Matt up as a woman in ruby red slippers and a gown that is way too small. From the back, he’s a hot mess. From the front, he has really pretty eyes. Jasmine loved his willingness to be her queen.
At dinner, with glitter still in his eyebrows, Jasmine thanks Matt for having the balls to go above and beyond the penguin costume. She wants to know if he can handle her. He says, “CARPE DIEM! SEIZE THE MOMENT!”
Or seize the day. Details.
That night, Harrison explains that the girls have all the power. There are eight of them and they will be handing out roses to a group of twelve men. Iggy tells us that four men will be going home. Remember, he’s the informer. And he knows math.
Sholphin passes out shots and gets the party started. Derek and Taylor make out hard in their own personal cabana. She admits that she’s feeling things. I’m going to assume it’s more significant than her buzz.
Ben Z makes his move with Raven, who claims on camera that Ben Z is a better kisser than Robby. TAKE THAT KEN DOLL! (Also, that was super harsh.)
Just as things begin to get panicky with all the dudes running around trying to find someone who can give them a rose, a producer comes up to Corinne and asks to speak with her. Then one grabs DeMario on the beach.
All camera men are instructed to put their cameras down and stop filming. Thank goodness we have the stationary cameras catching all the commotion between the islanders trying to find love and the crew of one hundred who are there to make that happen.
We won’t find out what happens until tonight. Who’s going to tune in with me?!