Bachelor in Paradise recap: Pizza, Pizza

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Week 3

Was it just me, or was that the longest Bachelor in Paradise episode in history? Seriously. I was sure we were in the home stretch and when I checked the DVR, we had 70 minutes to go! I think watching E.D. roam around the beach in his sweat pants creeping on Josh and Amanda sucking face makes time stand still.

I’m also stunned by E.D.’s blatant disregard for reality. He actually makes a fake date card, interrupts Jomanda mid-horizontal-make-out and invites “the girl of his dreams” to join him for a a little nightcap. Amanda wipes down her body of Josh’s sweat, saliva and more sweat, smiles and follows E.D.’s wispy frame to the tree house.

The guy lays it on thick, telling Amanda over and over again how he came to Paradise for her. I’m unsure if his repetition is a result of him trying to convince himself the validity of that statement, or if Amanda was dozing in and out thanks to copious amounts of tequila and Josh’s pheromones.

While E.D. woos his fellow single parent, Josh refrains from punching E.D. in the trachea and opts to eat his feelings. Jorge delivers a perfect cheese pizza, right out of the Totino’s box. Jump starting the same pleasure centers of his brain, Josh begins to moan the exact same way he does when he dry humps Amanda. He vows that this is the best pizza he’s ever tasted.

People disappoint, my friends, but pizza is eternal.

Back in the tree house, Amanda whips up a few tears. She wishes E.D. had come to her sooner (yeah right), but now she has developed feelings for someone else.

Amanda: You are super duper sweet, but I like Josh.
Lincee: What about Nick?
Amanda: Who?
Lincee: Exactly.
E.D.: So there’s a chance we can get together when y’all crash and burn?
Amanda: No.
E.D.: Excellent. I’m booking the church now.

E.D. escorts Amanda back down to the beach bed and deposits her in front of Josh. We all think the same thing: Will Josh share his cheesy pizza with Amanda? Who cares that she doesn’t eat carbs! It’s the offer that counts! Especially when it’s not delivery — it’s DiGiorno.

Amanda begins to weep. Between greasy bites, Josh instructs her to not cry. Then he laughs, with a mouth full of Red Barron, giggling at the fact that his woman is in high demand. He’s confident in his relationship with Amanda. I’m confident in his relationship with the pizza.

After drawing on eyebrows, showering outdoors and manscaping with clippers, everyone is ready to face the roses. Our Host Chris Harrison walks in looking all sorts of fine. There is a collective sigh from the women as he makes his way to the middle of the space. His suit is crisp and his tan is perfect. He smells of sea spray, classic rock and John McClane.

Harrison explains that two guys will be going home. All of the wild cards scatter to try and make their case. Christian asks Sarah for a kiss. She gives him a peck. Damn Daniel steals her away. After saving him from a bee trying to impregnate his chin, Damn Daniel rewards Sarah with a kiss. She is not impressed.

Twin explains the multitude of differences between her and Other Twin to that dude you don’t know and can’t remember his name. She points out Other Twin’s moles and ear piercings. Don’t forget the glitter on her boobs!

E.D. chooses to interrupt Jomanda mid-make out AGAIN to warn his betrothed that the man she has been snogging is an emotional abuser according to the book written by Josh’s ex-fiance. She needs to be careful. This makes Amanda cautious, but not enough to do anything about it. She doesn’t want to rock the boat, so she goes and tells Lace of all people that Josh might not be all that he appears to be.

Lace’s response? No duh.

Lace hikes up the lacey overlay of her white leotard and immediately reports to Grant. Grant promises to talk to Josh — who just so happens to be right there on the couch with Lace and Grant. If he had been The Chad, you would have smelled the protein shake.

Josh doesn’t blow a gasket. Amanda asks him to just forget about it. Instead, he asks E.D. to join him on the beach for a quick chat. He explains that Andi’s book is completely fictional. PS: don’t judge him without knowing who he is as a person. PSS: E.D. should have come directly to him instead of whining to his Paradise girlfriend.

In short, E.D. is really into poking bears.

E.D. wonders why Josh is so “polished” with all his answers? Then he admits that he didn’t read the book. Whoopsie. E.D. gives Josh the floor to “tell his side,” but Josh is above such things. All he needs to know is that the book is completely fictional.

E.D.: Then why don’t you sue her for libel?
Josh: I’m a bigger man than that.
Jared: Six-foot-three, 230 pounds to be exact.

While E.D. is trying to psychoanalyze Josh, Nick reintroduces himself to Amanda. He’s dressed as an extra from The Book of Mormon. He plays E.D.’s game, encouraging his lover of four-days ago to ask tough questions of Josh. He hopes what Andi says was a lie because it’s really nasty stuff.

Amanda waves as the red flag passes her by.

Laces gives her rose to Grant. Izzy gives hers to Vinny. Twin gives hers to Jared and Amanda gives hers to Josh.

Sarah throws a wrench in Christian’s Paradise plans and gives her rose to Damn Daniel. Then Carly gives hers to E.D. Everyone is surprise, included our erectile dysfunction friend. Other Twin is last to hand out a rose and she gives it directly to Nick! Oh happy day! What’s His Name is shocked. He still has no idea he was Parent Trapped.

Hell hath no fury like a twin scorned. See ya, Christian and Rando!

The next day, Caila arrives in a translucent blue and white ombre dress. Every single person turns and basks in the glory of her luxurious locks. The sweet, innocent sex panther asks all of the dudes for some private one-on-one time before she decides who will accompany her on a date. She quickly zeros in on Jared.

Jorge: This just got gooooood.
Twin: I hate Caila. She’s so condescending. What does condescending mean?
Lincee: Don’t worry, Twin. Four-syllable words are hard.

Jared is nice enough to ask Caila to “hold please” before he breaks the news to Twin. He approaches her with doe eyes and explains that he needs to go on this date, if nothing else, to  learn and share the secrets of Caila’s hair care regime. Twin agrees. She wants Jared to try new things. Jared thanks Twin and meets Caila in front of the tree house. The combination of horse back riding and ocean water will definitely cause Caila’s denim panties to chaff. Bummer.

Twin complains to Nick about how it’s not fair that Jared has been taken away by a perfect Paradiser. Nick throws her the hashtag #truth and leaves her to cry into a curling iron.

Caila’s perfect boobs bounce perfectly to the rhythm of her perfect horse. Her perfect bathing suit is a perfect compliment to her perfect body. Jared wants to see if something great can come of this union. Caila is game. They make out on the beach and for the first time, INCLUDING LAST YEAR, Jared looks happy. He’s not thinking about Kaitlyn. Caila’s not thinking about Ben. Twin is thinking of Jared and Damn Daniel is thinking about pouring water into a sleeping Vinny’s belly button and then sucking it out with a straw. Then he does it. Hooray for belly funk.

For the first time in Paradise history, a double date card arrives for Izzy and Lace. Vinny and Grant are pumped…it’s party time!

Lace: I’m stoked. Grant and I have been a couple since day 1.
Lincee: Do you remember mounting a guy in the Jacuzzi named Chad?
Lace: Okay — day 2 then.

They run off to get ready just as Caila and Jared arrive back from their date. Other Twin, who is sporting a modern version of Princess Leia buns, informs her sister that Jared is totally crunching on Caila. She’s right. Jared asks Twin to come away for a quick chat. He lets her know that he’s in this for Caila, but he will always care for her in a “love hanging out with you” sort of way.

Twin feels like an idiot. These pesky tears are totally ruining her makeup. She knows she’s a good catch and has great boobs! What’s not to like? She snuggles with her glitter-stained teddy bear and oscillating fan and goes to bed because she’s overtired.

Grant says some lovely things about Lace at dinner. He calls her “genuine” and promises that she is the only girl he will ever want. Vinny sits there like a bump on a log, not cowering under the pressure of saying anything charming to Izzy. Izzy rolls her eyes and claims that she’s “in it to Vin it.”

After dinner, they walk hand-in-hand to Senior Frogs where they enjoy shots and all the fun of a Latin night club, with the added bonus of a self-cleansing foam party. Izzy and Lace lower onto a table for some body shots when a blurry-faced “skank” dumps an entire pitcher of water on them both. Lace launches into hood rat mode and asks Izzy to hold her hoop earrings. Grant uses his firefighter training to extinguish the situation. Lace feels loved and safe in his arms. Skank lives to see another day.

Carly and Sarah are tired of feeling like the old dudes sitting in the balcony from The Muppets. They decide to throw their own double date party and invite Damn Daniel and E.D. to their apartment for some broccoli and alcohol.

Broccoli is the new deli meat.

E.D. is beyond ecstatic. Now he has TWO women vying for his attention! Carly tells the camera that E.D. has zero swag. She’s also curious as to why he would ever try and do push-ups with her on his back? Maybe he should think again before putting himself in that position moments after Damn Daniel hoisted Sarah a few reps?

Carly gives it to E.D. straight: Just act normal. This wakes the beast. E.D. wants to make out, but Carly still thinks he’s being too weird. She hugs him and sends him back to his room. Never fear — there was no nipple twisting. But he does black out.

The next thing we see is a producer slapping E.D. in the face, trying to wake him up. When the second crew member creeps in, he gets nervous and calls for a medic. One of them runs to Carly to let her know that E.D. is non-responsive. When Carly arrives to his room, E.D. is sitting there hooked up to a monitor looking dazed and confused. He doesn’t remember coming back to his room.

The medic says that someone needs to stay with him all night long. Carly and I both think that this is an elaborate plan that E.D. has executed brilliantly to get her horizontal. Unfortunately, Carly says she’s attracted to weird. She allows E.D. to pull her down beside him so they can make out.

Make out. With E.D. And his one compression sock. And his teeny tiny tank top. This is what lonely does to folks. It encourages delusions.

Speaking of delusions, guess who’s back tonight? Ashley I-Lashes! She’s cut off the extensions, plastered on the lipstick and is ready to get busy with Jared!

To quote Jorge, “This should be goooooood.”

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