Bachelor in Paradise recap: Pizza, Pizza

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Week 3

Was it just me, or was that the longest Bachelor in Paradise episode in history? Seriously. I was sure we were in the home stretch and when I checked the DVR, we had 70 minutes to go! I think watching E.D. roam around the beach in his sweat pants creeping on Josh and Amanda sucking face makes time stand still.

I’m also stunned by E.D.’s blatant disregard for reality. He actually makes a fake date card, interrupts Jomanda mid-horizontal-make-out and invites “the girl of his dreams” to join him for a a little nightcap. Amanda wipes down her body of Josh’s sweat, saliva and more sweat, smiles and follows E.D.’s wispy frame to the tree house.

The guy lays it on thick, telling Amanda over and over again how he came to Paradise for her. I’m unsure if his repetition is a result of him trying to convince himself the validity of that statement, or if Amanda was dozing in and out thanks to copious amounts of tequila and Josh’s pheromones.

While E.D. woos his fellow single parent, Josh refrains from punching E.D. in the trachea and opts to eat his feelings. Jorge delivers a perfect cheese pizza, right out of the Totino’s box. Jump starting the same pleasure centers of his brain, Josh begins to moan the exact same way he does when he dry humps Amanda. He vows that this is the best pizza he’s ever tasted.

People disappoint, my friends, but pizza is eternal.

Back in the tree house, Amanda whips up a few tears. She wishes E.D. had come to her sooner (yeah right), but now she has developed feelings for someone else.

Amanda: You are super duper sweet, but I like Josh.
Lincee: What about Nick?
Amanda: Who?
Lincee: Exactly.
E.D.: So there’s a chance we can get together when y’all crash and burn?
Amanda: No.
E.D.: Excellent. I’m booking the church now.

E.D. escorts Amanda back down to the beach bed and deposits her in front of Josh. We all think the same thing: Will Josh share his cheesy pizza with Amanda? Who cares that she doesn’t eat carbs! It’s the offer that counts! Especially when it’s not delivery — it’s DiGiorno.

Amanda begins to weep. Between greasy bites, Josh instructs her to not cry. Then he laughs, with a mouth full of Red Barron, giggling at the fact that his woman is in high demand. He’s confident in his relationship with Amanda. I’m confident in his relationship with the pizza.

ROSE CEREMONY
After drawing on eyebrows, showering outdoors and manscaping with clippers, everyone is ready to face the roses. Our Host Chris Harrison walks in looking all sorts of fine. There is a collective sigh from the women as he makes his way to the middle of the space. His suit is crisp and his tan is perfect. He smells of sea spray, classic rock and John McClane.

Harrison explains that two guys will be going home. All of the wild cards scatter to try and make their case. Christian asks Sarah for a kiss. She gives him a peck. Damn Daniel steals her away. After saving him from a bee trying to impregnate his chin, Damn Daniel rewards Sarah with a kiss. She is not impressed.

Twin explains the multitude of differences between her and Other Twin to that dude you don’t know and can’t remember his name. She points out Other Twin’s moles and ear piercings. Don’t forget the glitter on her boobs!

E.D. chooses to interrupt Jomanda mid-make out AGAIN to warn his betrothed that the man she has been snogging is an emotional abuser according to the book written by Josh’s ex-fiance. She needs to be careful. This makes Amanda cautious, but not enough to do anything about it. She doesn’t want to rock the boat, so she goes and tells Lace of all people that Josh might not be all that he appears to be.

Lace’s response? No duh.

Lace hikes up the lacey overlay of her white leotard and immediately reports to Grant. Grant promises to talk to Josh — who just so happens to be right there on the couch with Lace and Grant. If he had been The Chad, you would have smelled the protein shake.

Josh doesn’t blow a gasket. Amanda asks him to just forget about it. Instead, he asks E.D. to join him on the beach for a quick chat. He explains that Andi’s book is completely fictional. PS: don’t judge him without knowing who he is as a person. PSS: E.D. should have come directly to him instead of whining to his Paradise girlfriend.

In short, E.D. is really into poking bears.

E.D. wonders why Josh is so “polished” with all his answers? Then he admits that he didn’t read the book. Whoopsie. E.D. gives Josh the floor to “tell his side,” but Josh is above such things. All he needs to know is that the book is completely fictional.

E.D.: Then why don’t you sue her for libel?
Josh: I’m a bigger man than that.
Jared: Six-foot-three, 230 pounds to be exact.

While E.D. is trying to psychoanalyze Josh, Nick reintroduces himself to Amanda. He’s dressed as an extra from The Book of Mormon. He plays E.D.’s game, encouraging his lover of four-days ago to ask tough questions of Josh. He hopes what Andi says was a lie because it’s really nasty stuff.

Amanda waves as the red flag passes her by.

Laces gives her rose to Grant. Izzy gives hers to Vinny. Twin gives hers to Jared and Amanda gives hers to Josh.

Sarah throws a wrench in Christian’s Paradise plans and gives her rose to Damn Daniel. Then Carly gives hers to E.D. Everyone is surprise, included our erectile dysfunction friend. Other Twin is last to hand out a rose and she gives it directly to Nick! Oh happy day! What’s His Name is shocked. He still has no idea he was Parent Trapped.

Hell hath no fury like a twin scorned. See ya, Christian and Rando!

The next day, Caila arrives in a translucent blue and white ombre dress. Every single person turns and basks in the glory of her luxurious locks. The sweet, innocent sex panther asks all of the dudes for some private one-on-one time before she decides who will accompany her on a date. She quickly zeros in on Jared.

Jorge: This just got gooooood.
Twin: I hate Caila. She’s so condescending. What does condescending mean?
Lincee: Don’t worry, Twin. Four-syllable words are hard.

Jared is nice enough to ask Caila to “hold please” before he breaks the news to Twin. He approaches her with doe eyes and explains that he needs to go on this date, if nothing else, to  learn and share the secrets of Caila’s hair care regime. Twin agrees. She wants Jared to try new things. Jared thanks Twin and meets Caila in front of the tree house. The combination of horse back riding and ocean water will definitely cause Caila’s denim panties to chaff. Bummer.

Twin complains to Nick about how it’s not fair that Jared has been taken away by a perfect Paradiser. Nick throws her the hashtag #truth and leaves her to cry into a curling iron.

Caila’s perfect boobs bounce perfectly to the rhythm of her perfect horse. Her perfect bathing suit is a perfect compliment to her perfect body. Jared wants to see if something great can come of this union. Caila is game. They make out on the beach and for the first time, INCLUDING LAST YEAR, Jared looks happy. He’s not thinking about Kaitlyn. Caila’s not thinking about Ben. Twin is thinking of Jared and Damn Daniel is thinking about pouring water into a sleeping Vinny’s belly button and then sucking it out with a straw. Then he does it. Hooray for belly funk.

For the first time in Paradise history, a double date card arrives for Izzy and Lace. Vinny and Grant are pumped…it’s party time!

Lace: I’m stoked. Grant and I have been a couple since day 1.
Lincee: Do you remember mounting a guy in the Jacuzzi named Chad?
Lace: Okay — day 2 then.

They run off to get ready just as Caila and Jared arrive back from their date. Other Twin, who is sporting a modern version of Princess Leia buns, informs her sister that Jared is totally crunching on Caila. She’s right. Jared asks Twin to come away for a quick chat. He lets her know that he’s in this for Caila, but he will always care for her in a “love hanging out with you” sort of way.

Twin feels like an idiot. These pesky tears are totally ruining her makeup. She knows she’s a good catch and has great boobs! What’s not to like? She snuggles with her glitter-stained teddy bear and oscillating fan and goes to bed because she’s overtired.

DOUBLE DATE
Grant says some lovely things about Lace at dinner. He calls her “genuine” and promises that she is the only girl he will ever want. Vinny sits there like a bump on a log, not cowering under the pressure of saying anything charming to Izzy. Izzy rolls her eyes and claims that she’s “in it to Vin it.”

After dinner, they walk hand-in-hand to Senior Frogs where they enjoy shots and all the fun of a Latin night club, with the added bonus of a self-cleansing foam party. Izzy and Lace lower onto a table for some body shots when a blurry-faced “skank” dumps an entire pitcher of water on them both. Lace launches into hood rat mode and asks Izzy to hold her hoop earrings. Grant uses his firefighter training to extinguish the situation. Lace feels loved and safe in his arms. Skank lives to see another day.

Carly and Sarah are tired of feeling like the old dudes sitting in the balcony from The Muppets. They decide to throw their own double date party and invite Damn Daniel and E.D. to their apartment for some broccoli and alcohol.

Broccoli is the new deli meat.

E.D. is beyond ecstatic. Now he has TWO women vying for his attention! Carly tells the camera that E.D. has zero swag. She’s also curious as to why he would ever try and do push-ups with her on his back? Maybe he should think again before putting himself in that position moments after Damn Daniel hoisted Sarah a few reps?

Carly gives it to E.D. straight: Just act normal. This wakes the beast. E.D. wants to make out, but Carly still thinks he’s being too weird. She hugs him and sends him back to his room. Never fear — there was no nipple twisting. But he does black out.

The next thing we see is a producer slapping E.D. in the face, trying to wake him up. When the second crew member creeps in, he gets nervous and calls for a medic. One of them runs to Carly to let her know that E.D. is non-responsive. When Carly arrives to his room, E.D. is sitting there hooked up to a monitor looking dazed and confused. He doesn’t remember coming back to his room.

The medic says that someone needs to stay with him all night long. Carly and I both think that this is an elaborate plan that E.D. has executed brilliantly to get her horizontal. Unfortunately, Carly says she’s attracted to weird. She allows E.D. to pull her down beside him so they can make out.

Make out. With E.D. And his one compression sock. And his teeny tiny tank top. This is what lonely does to folks. It encourages delusions.

Speaking of delusions, guess who’s back tonight? Ashley I-Lashes! She’s cut off the extensions, plastered on the lipstick and is ready to get busy with Jared!

To quote Jorge, “This should be goooooood.”

Photo By: ABC.com

Comments

83 Comments on "Bachelor in Paradise recap: Pizza, Pizza"

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Jen

Lincee! I was in the middle of taking a drink (of water) when I read this line: “Jump starting the same pleasure centers of his brain, Josh beings to moan the exact same way he does when he dry humps Amanda. He vows that this is the best pizza he’s ever tasted.” SO FUNNY.

I really don’t understand Amanda. Why is she ignoring (and waving at) all of the red flags? Does she think they are green flags due to color-blindness? Every time Josh says that everything in that book is false, I can’t help but think that he’s protesting too much. Ugh.

Norma
Norma

Lace launches into hood rat mode and asks Izzy to hold her hoop earrings. OMG. I spit out my water. And then there is this: What’s His Name is shocked. He still has no idea he was Parent Trapped. I love how you incorporate old movies and TV show stuff into your blogs. Brilliant blog as always.

Can’t wait for tonight when Ashley I lashes makes her appearance!

LAnderson

How did you miss the disgusting sex between Josh-Amanda with the sick sounds and poor Nick!

tracee
tracee

It is nasty…..But every time I feel for Nick I remember poor Shawn and what he had to watch …Poor Shawn

Anita
Anita

How about what WE had to watch? Them doing it in the next room, with the camera crew still there. More than once! Nasty indeed.

tracee
tracee

and what WE had to hear!!! and we had to watch him Hoover that pizza

tracee
tracee

hahahaha…..yes smart of you ….. love me a good thin crust cheese pizza despite Josh’s gross finger lickin scene

Suzie
Suzie

I’ve lost what minimal amount of respect I had for single parent Amanda, who has now abandoned her kids twice to go on this silly show. Doing the double backed monster dance in front of cameras on national tv with a guy you barely know while you have two innocent young girls at home?? That’s just not right. Does she know her daughters are going to grow up and be able to Google this some day? So sad for them. And for Amanda. Have some respect for yourself. Yuck.

Jamey Jam
Jamey Jam

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I agree with this comment x 1000. Future Bachelor/Bachelorette/BIP contestant wanna-be’s: If you are a parent, please just stay home with your children. Choosing a reality show over your kids under the guise of trying to meet someone? Are you kidding? Try volunteering. Or going to church/temple. Or just talking to someone in the grocery store. But hooking up with a virtual stranger on TV? Sorry — not good parent material. Yeah, that’s right, I’m judging.

Paula
Paula

Is it just me or are there others grossed out by Josh’s groaning?

Julie
Julie

Oh, it is definitely not just you. I mentioned it last week, and am still every bit as revolted by it this week! I did find it slightly amusing that his pizza-eating moans are pretty much identical to his making out moans, though.

Andrea
Andrea

Part of the problem is that ABC is editing in the same moan over and over and over. he may have moaned a couple times (one for Amanda, one for pizza), but the editors are adding it in all over the place. Annoying.

Ash
Ash

I’m sure some of it is dubbed but apparently the whole cast has said that Josh is a moaner. During an after show podcast (not the After Paradise one), Nick said that Josh made that same moaning sound during a rose ceremony on his season, right after Andi called his name and he said it sounded like he was going to eat her then and there.

Deebee
Deebee

I also can’t stand seeing his tongue in Amanda’s mouth any more.

ricksterb

OMG. That is the worst part of the show.

Suzie
Suzie

That’s a total producer edit. They’re just dubbing in his moaning sounds again and again. It was gross enough when he actually did it – no need to keep playing it for us!

CO Kathleen
CO Kathleen

Oh man, yes, delusions abound! I’m afraid Josh removed all doubt over him being more than a dumb-jock. What a smarmy, grunting, lip smacking, hollow one-liner quoting, sweaty dude. So transparent. Clearly working his image like there’s a gold medal up for grabs.

On a fun note…
Ames (god, I miss Ames) just got married!
http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/former-bachelorette-contestant-ames-brown-marries-allison-palm-w434383

BeanersForever
BeanersForever

Ames!! My heart is broken.

Babs
Babs

I guess it’s time we all gave up our dream of Ames being the next bachelor… Sigh… Maybe one day another bachelor will be silly enough to not pick a cute , articulate , romantic and very cleaver guy . If that happens we need to all do a better job of voicing our desire for someone that is more than just attractive and muscular.

Babs
Babs

Duh, someday a bachelorette not bachelor… So Lincee we need a like button and apparently an edit option.

Wenda
Wenda

Love Ames, but Ashley picked JP – also a very cute, sweet man. At least she wasn’t stupid and pick the bad guy like other bachelorettes have done. 🙂

Babs
Babs

Very true, I like JP, but would have been Ames to the end .

Anita
Anita

I saw that!!! My heart broke into a million tiny pieces. Rest in Peace, my Ames fantasies…

Watch cuz I like this blog
Watch cuz I like this blog

Thanks for sharing the news about Ames . There was an article in the NY times about Ames and his lovely new wife…..actually is was very sweet!
Viva la red pants!
Haha…. you voiced my opinion of Josh very well.

Brian
Brian

I kept thinking Nick was going to take someone’s order.

Lisa
Lisa

We should all know better than to try to enjoy a beverage while reading your blog posts! I still have lemonade in my nose from reading “he smells of sea spray, classic rock and John McClane” mid-swallow! And there were many other laugh-out-loud moments….bravo!

Mollie A
Mollie A

Great recap, Lincee? But, how is there no mention of the sexual imagery (eg. fireworks, train entering a tunnel) with Amanda and Josh’s under the covers time? I couldn’t believe ABC. Amanda’s family must be so proud watching her behavior.

Ann
Ann

That was the best! First the flower slowly opens, then the fountain shoots water, and fireworks explode….it was just great!

Carol S.
Carol S.

And the train speeding into the tunnel…seriously??!! So gross when she says he’s so sweaty in bed. Could not handle it.

islandchic
islandchic

Great recap as always!! 2 things that stood out to me is (1) that production is using a canned repeat of Josh’s moaning over EVERY time they kiss and with the pizza. Because its the same exact pitch. (2) Bachelor Nation reads Lincee’s recaps, which is a great testament to her, because last night was the second time someone= Grant, called Dan “Damn Dan”.

Carrie

Damn Daniel was a viral youtube from last year. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a16Kgh7j8zk

Jamey Jam
Jamey Jam

Thank you. Hard to believe so many readers here didn’t know about that.

Islandchic
Islandchic

I KNEW it Lincee, your following is even larger than I thought, the host of After Paridise, Michelle Collins just introduced Daniel as Damn Daniel!!!!! Congrats to how much are being READ!!!!

Islandchic
Islandchic

Awww! No?, I’ll settle for denim and jump and straddle, patent pending 🙂 LUV your posts!!!!!

Islandchic
Islandchic

Meant “denim panties”

Christine
Christine

Calling Caila “a sweet, innocent sex panther” was perfect! Your descriptions are the best, and always so funny!

Mary
Mary

Lincee – I am not sure if you heard that Ames got married! The NY Times has a big article on how he met his wife after he was rejected by Ashley. You will be shocked to read that some people made fun of his red pants!!

Kelli
Kelli

“He’s dressed as an extra from The Book of Mormon.” I literally said that same thing when I was watching the rose ceremony! Great minds, Lincee, great minds.

I also got a big laugh out of the pizza and the non-sharing of same. Wouldn’t you offer your true love a slice rather than shove it all in your own pie hole? And the MOANING!! OMG. If Carly thinks ED is weird, I’ll throw a vote in there for Josh’s moaning.

Best line of the night was when Carly compared her and Sarah to Stadler and Waldorf of Muppet fame. I howled over that. I think Carly and ED should be the dorm parents to the next group of paradisers.

Sara
Sara

“Jump starting the same pleasure centers of his brain, Josh beings to moan the exact same way he does when he dry humps Amanda. He vows that this is the best pizza he’s ever tasted.” hahahaha!! Hilariously true! Also, gross.
What is wrong with Carly?! Is she really THAT lonely? Or is this just a ploy to stay in paradise longer??? I kind of hope it’s the latter, because if it’s not, WOW is that sad.
I don’t know about everyone else, but I think the whole E.D. passing out bit was totally fake, and very inline with the rest of his bizarre behavior.
I like Jared and Caila together. They seem like they would get along well, and have kids with amazing hair!

Sara
Sara

True! Carly’s said some pretty mean things about him so far. But I think that E.D. also just wants to stay in paradise (hence the desperate Amanda move)… I don’t feel like he’s super into Carly. Who knows, I could be wrong.

Brooke

“Lace: I’m stoked. Grant and I have been a couple since day 1.
Lincee: Do you remember mounting a guy in the Jacuzzi named Chad?
Lace: Okay — day 2 then.” LOL we were laughing about the same thing! I can’t get over how bad I feel for poor Nick in this whole mess, who would have thought he would be the voice of reason and the most normal person in this group? The Amanda/Josh face sucking is getting gross, I don’t know how I could handle their slurping and moaning.

Brooke

Oh and one more thing, ED is the most painful thing to watch! He is completely delisuional right? Does he even hear what people are saying? Though I have to say Carly is totally sending mixed messages, you nailed it, this is what happens when people are lonely.

Deebee
Deebee

I can’t handle ED anymore. He is so beyond an idiot and 10 year old boys act more mature. And Carly needs to look elsewhere besides Bachelor Nation for men to date.

LAnderson

Carly is sad and pathetic (but she does have a few funny comments)

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