Bachelor in Paradise recap: Woman of constant sorrow

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 5

When Ashley I-Lashes promised Our Host Chris Harrison that she would only cry three times this season, I knew her arrival in Paradise was going to be just what we needed to cleanse our palette of the Carly/E.D. sick bed union. I love this woman. She’s the new Michelle Money and she takes that role very seriously.

Here’s the gist: Ash and Jared are total BFFs. She wants to add “with benefits” to that monkier. He does not. Although they have visited second base once or twice, Jared has given her the cold shoulder (the reaction, not the clothing) for the last five months. He has no idea she’s coming to Paradise. If she sees him on the beach with another girl, that’s totally fine.

To be clear, Ashley I-Lashes version of “fine” fluctuates anywhere from casual nail biting to heaving sobs in her bed. This should be fun.

Jared’s heart stops when his stalker descends the stairs wide-eyed, bushy tailed, shouting, “Don’t kill me!” Everyone notices Jared’s mood change from blissfully lounging with the hot girl in the pineapple bikini with the magical hair to the boy who just got punched in the bread basket. Jared wonders to the camera, “Why is she here?” I wonder the same. About Jared. Hello Mr. Repeat.

She wastes no time dragging Jared away to get the 4-1-1 on what he’s been up to for the last week. He tells her that he went out with Jubilee (not a love connection) and then Twin (not a love connection) and finally Caila who he’s sort of kind of hanging out with now.

I-Lashes holds it together for the most part. Her goal is to remain calm. She dismisses Jared and seeks out the Twins. Twin admits that she’s had her eye on Jared, but he dumped her for Caila the minute little Miss Perfect arrived. Other Twin drones on and on about how Jared face lit up and how he’s never been decisive about anyone — until now — and how everyone wants to touch and smell her hair and how she’s never seen Jared so excited or assertive about a girl before.

They watch in silence as Ashley releases every emotion. She cashes in one of her three cries on this visit and lets the tears fall where they may.

One tree house over, Caila admits to Carly and Sarah that she and Ashley hung out a few times. She said that Ashley made her promise that she would never agree to go to Paradise because she knew that if Jared had his pick of any Bachelorette alumni, it would be this follicle goddess. Caila also told Ash that Jared wasn’t her type. #sadface

The girls turn to see I-Lashes walking on the beach. Caila feels bad. Ash feels irritated that she’s crying again. Maybe the rain will hide her tears? She makes her way to the beach bed and tells a parrot that she’s probably going home because this experience is already soul-crushing.

She pulls herself together, applies a light layer of foundation and makes her way around the tree house in search of Caila. Caila explains that the thing she has with Jared is new. She only arrived in Paradise yesterday.

Ash: What happened to Jared isn’t your type?
Caila: I talked to him. What happened to you not crying in Paradise?

Ash: I’m not crying. I’m allergic to all my feelings.
Caila: I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Jared feels terrible that Ashley is an emotional mess because of him. Again. She flips out, threatening to leave. He begs her to stay, careful to put up some major boundaries. For example, he wants her to have fun with…Damn Daniel. Or maybe some hot guy is arriving tomorrow! You never know. She can give it a go with one of them over there, while he gives it a go with Caila over here. Deal?

Ash: I CAN’T SEE YOU WITH ANYONE ELSE!
Jared: But what if you meet someone else? Did I mention Damn Daniel?

Ash: DUH! I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, BUT I CAN’T BE WITH “NOT” SOMEONE ELSE. ALSO, CAILA IS A BACK STABBING WHORE.
Jared: My head hurts.

Damn Daniel is surprised when Ashley plops down beside him and reads her date card. “Love requires sacrifice. Do you wanna get out of here?” Damn Daniel assumes that they will be sacrificing a new born calf. Ashley misses the sarcasm, promising that she will not partake in anything so barbaric.

Damn Daniel: I eat meat, so I’ll do it.
Ash: Cool

Now we can answer the age old question, “What happens when and alien and a virgin get together?”

Our couple braves the storm with their plastic transparent umbrellas and sit down at the feet of some pretty creepy statues. Damn Daniel opens dinner talk with a doozy: So you’ve never had sex before. Is it a religious thing?

Ashley owns it. Damn Daniel makes a joke about swinging both ways, but only on Fridays. Ashley suggests Nick as a conquest. Damn Daniel suggests Jared and Ashley sits a little straighter.

Then they talk about her “boyfriend who doesn’t touch her” for the entire meal. Essentially, Damn Daniel is filling in for the ABC Psychotherapist and SHE LOVES IT. Damn Daniel says all the right things. How could Jared not want her? She’s beautiful. She needs a replacement guy and he’s happy to offer himself up. The other girls are just jelly (he used that term) because she knows what she wants.

She wants Jared. And Damn Daniel wants to swipe her v-card with his Canadian bacon. CHECK PLEASE!

Suddenly, a crowd of masked men and women rush the table because it’s time to sacrifice a virgin. Ashley I-Lashes never wished Becca was in Paradise more than this moment. She’s swept away and Damn Daniel is left in the sacrificial cavern with nothing but his broccoli as company. (That is not a euphemism. See Canadian bacon remark above.)

The next morning, Ashley I-Lashes wallows in a puddle of tears. She reminds everyone that she’s not weak — she’s just being punished for loving so hard. It can’t get much worse unless somebody dies.

Nick is in the same wallowing boat. He’s tired of being in the direct line of sight when Amanda and Josh merge. He wants to meet someone. Preferably super fun. And super hot.

Enter Jen.

She’s from Ben’s season. She went by Jennifer way back then. I did a little research from previous posts. All I could find was that she looks like Olivia Munn and she got kicked off the week everyone thought the contestant Olivia should have been kicked off. To say she flew below the radar is putting it mildly.

As everyone does, she grabs the twins and they give her a quick rundown of who’s who among the cast.

Twin: Vinny…
Jen: Who?
OT: The barber…
Jen: Oh yeah…
Twin: Crunching on Izzy.
Jen: Who?
OT: Brunette with good boobs.
Jen: Got it.
Twin: Lace…
Jen: Who?
OT: Our season. Brunette with bad extensions.
Jen: Right.
Twin: All over Grant.
Jen: Who?
OT: Hotter than crap firefighter.
Jen: I see.
Twin: Amanda and Josh.
OT: The couple over there sweating and making out in front of everyone.
Twin: So gross.
Jen: Is he eating pizza?
Twin: Then there’s Nick…
OT: Who totally digs Amanda, but Josh swooped in.
Twin: Just like Caila did with me and Jared.
OT: Quiet! Ashley will cut you.
Twin: Are you being condescending?
OT: There’s also E.D.
Twin: But he has a thing for Carly.
Jen: Who’s left?
Twin: Damn Daniel. He’s super funny.
OT: And sort of likes Sarah.
Jen: So my options are one of you.
Twin/OT: Yes.

Damn Daniel offers to pay Jen a few Canadian loonies to take him on a date, but after careful consideration, she chooses Nick. Everyone cheers, including me.

In other news, E.D. is light headed because of an ankle sprain. The medic thinks he should go to the emergency room. E.D. realizes that this could be a super romantic date — would Carly join him in the ambulance for a quick ride to Urgent Care and a tiny container of Jell-O?

By golly she does. She claims E.D. has the best heart of anyone she’s ever met. All aboard, people. She’s back on the E.D. train! Or crazy train! Same track. Take your pick.

Meanwhile, Nick and Jen get comfortable on the beach. Nick tries to turn on the charm, but Jen is super distracted by an army of crabs that insist on pulling focus. Nick tries to From Here To Eternity Jen, but it’s hard to concentrate when a billion crabs are threatening to take over. Sebastian was a little aggressive when he recruited his extended family to join in on this particular rendition of “Kiss the Girl.”

ROSE CEREMONY

Our Host Chris Harrison walks in to start the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour. Could it be that’s he’s even better looking than the night before? He smells of coconut oil, a mai tai and swagger.

Jared and Caila carve out some one-on-one time to discuss the I-Lashes situation. Caila appreciates Jared making her feel comfortable, but the fact of the matter is that Ashley is straight up cray and she doesn’t want to end up like her, because guess what? Caila is reeeeeeeally into Jared.

Jared apologizes for all the drama. He promises Caila that they are MFEO and he will not stop pursuing her. Then they make out.

Nick is with Ashley and takes a different approach — brutal honesty.

Nick: Why didn’t you mentally prepare yourself for this?
Ash: I didn’t think he was going to like someone!

Nick: Aren’t you hopeful that Jared will meet someone?
Lincee: Bless you, Nick.
Ash: NO. I LIKE HIM. I CAN’T SEE HIM WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

Nick: This isn’t love. It’s infatuation. It’s an obsession.
Ash: You can’t tell me that!
Nick: I am certain. You are NOT going to be with him. You will NEVER be with Jared.

Then the world stood still for a solid 30 seconds. Even the crabs chilled out on the beach so Ashley could absorb this reality.

Well, she didn’t technically absorb it. In fact, she deflected it like Wonder Woman with her bracelets. She moves on to Jared to let him know that her feelings for him have not disappeared over night and she will never be okay without him. Jared is visibly done.

Ash: Now you’re made at me.
Jared: No, I’m frustrated.
Lincee: What does condescending mean?

Ash: It’s not about you!
Jared: Then why are you making it about me?
Ash: How am I supposed to find another you?

Jared: I’m done. I want to leave.
Ash: How can it not be more? Especially since there was a glimmer?
Lincee: I think you mean sparkle. Don’t let him take it, Ash.

TO BE CONTINUED…

What do you think? Will Jared leave? Does Ashley run out of Kleenex? Will the stress of it all make Caila’s hair fall out? Does Carly really love E.D.? Sound off in the comments section!

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