Bachelor in Paradise recap: Woman of constant sorrow

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 5

When Ashley I-Lashes promised Our Host Chris Harrison that she would only cry three times this season, I knew her arrival in Paradise was going to be just what we needed to cleanse our palette of the Carly/E.D. sick bed union. I love this woman. She’s the new Michelle Money and she takes that role very seriously.

Here’s the gist: Ash and Jared are total BFFs. She wants to add “with benefits” to that monkier. He does not. Although they have visited second base once or twice, Jared has given her the cold shoulder (the reaction, not the clothing) for the last five months. He has no idea she’s coming to Paradise. If she sees him on the beach with another girl, that’s totally fine.

To be clear, Ashley I-Lashes version of “fine” fluctuates anywhere from casual nail biting to heaving sobs in her bed. This should be fun.

Jared’s heart stops when his stalker descends the stairs wide-eyed, bushy tailed, shouting, “Don’t kill me!” Everyone notices Jared’s mood change from blissfully lounging with the hot girl in the pineapple bikini with the magical hair to the boy who just got punched in the bread basket. Jared wonders to the camera, “Why is she here?” I wonder the same. About Jared. Hello Mr. Repeat.

She wastes no time dragging Jared away to get the 4-1-1 on what he’s been up to for the last week. He tells her that he went out with Jubilee (not a love connection) and then Twin (not a love connection) and finally Caila who he’s sort of kind of hanging out with now.

I-Lashes holds it together for the most part. Her goal is to remain calm. She dismisses Jared and seeks out the Twins. Twin admits that she’s had her eye on Jared, but he dumped her for Caila the minute little Miss Perfect arrived. Other Twin drones on and on about how Jared face lit up and how he’s never been decisive about anyone — until now — and how everyone wants to touch and smell her hair and how she’s never seen Jared so excited or assertive about a girl before.

They watch in silence as Ashley releases every emotion. She cashes in one of her three cries on this visit and lets the tears fall where they may.

One tree house over, Caila admits to Carly and Sarah that she and Ashley hung out a few times. She said that Ashley made her promise that she would never agree to go to Paradise because she knew that if Jared had his pick of any Bachelorette alumni, it would be this follicle goddess. Caila also told Ash that Jared wasn’t her type. #sadface

The girls turn to see I-Lashes walking on the beach. Caila feels bad. Ash feels irritated that she’s crying again. Maybe the rain will hide her tears? She makes her way to the beach bed and tells a parrot that she’s probably going home because this experience is already soul-crushing.

She pulls herself together, applies a light layer of foundation and makes her way around the tree house in search of Caila. Caila explains that the thing she has with Jared is new. She only arrived in Paradise yesterday.

Ash: What happened to Jared isn’t your type?
Caila: I talked to him. What happened to you not crying in Paradise?

Ash: I’m not crying. I’m allergic to all my feelings.
Caila: I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Jared feels terrible that Ashley is an emotional mess because of him. Again. She flips out, threatening to leave. He begs her to stay, careful to put up some major boundaries. For example, he wants her to have fun with…Damn Daniel. Or maybe some hot guy is arriving tomorrow! You never know. She can give it a go with one of them over there, while he gives it a go with Caila over here. Deal?

Ash: I CAN’T SEE YOU WITH ANYONE ELSE!
Jared: But what if you meet someone else? Did I mention Damn Daniel?

Ash: DUH! I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, BUT I CAN’T BE WITH “NOT” SOMEONE ELSE. ALSO, CAILA IS A BACK STABBING WHORE.
Jared: My head hurts.

Damn Daniel is surprised when Ashley plops down beside him and reads her date card. “Love requires sacrifice. Do you wanna get out of here?” Damn Daniel assumes that they will be sacrificing a new born calf. Ashley misses the sarcasm, promising that she will not partake in anything so barbaric.

Damn Daniel: I eat meat, so I’ll do it.
Ash: Cool

Now we can answer the age old question, “What happens when and alien and a virgin get together?”

Our couple braves the storm with their plastic transparent umbrellas and sit down at the feet of some pretty creepy statues. Damn Daniel opens dinner talk with a doozy: So you’ve never had sex before. Is it a religious thing?

Ashley owns it. Damn Daniel makes a joke about swinging both ways, but only on Fridays. Ashley suggests Nick as a conquest. Damn Daniel suggests Jared and Ashley sits a little straighter.

Then they talk about her “boyfriend who doesn’t touch her” for the entire meal. Essentially, Damn Daniel is filling in for the ABC Psychotherapist and SHE LOVES IT. Damn Daniel says all the right things. How could Jared not want her? She’s beautiful. She needs a replacement guy and he’s happy to offer himself up. The other girls are just jelly (he used that term) because she knows what she wants.

She wants Jared. And Damn Daniel wants to swipe her v-card with his Canadian bacon. CHECK PLEASE!

Suddenly, a crowd of masked men and women rush the table because it’s time to sacrifice a virgin. Ashley I-Lashes never wished Becca was in Paradise more than this moment. She’s swept away and Damn Daniel is left in the sacrificial cavern with nothing but his broccoli as company. (That is not a euphemism. See Canadian bacon remark above.)

The next morning, Ashley I-Lashes wallows in a puddle of tears. She reminds everyone that she’s not weak — she’s just being punished for loving so hard. It can’t get much worse unless somebody dies.

Nick is in the same wallowing boat. He’s tired of being in the direct line of sight when Amanda and Josh merge. He wants to meet someone. Preferably super fun. And super hot.

Enter Jen.

She’s from Ben’s season. She went by Jennifer way back then. I did a little research from previous posts. All I could find was that she looks like Olivia Munn and she got kicked off the week everyone thought the contestant Olivia should have been kicked off. To say she flew below the radar is putting it mildly.

As everyone does, she grabs the twins and they give her a quick rundown of who’s who among the cast.

Twin: Vinny…
Jen: Who?
OT: The barber…
Jen: Oh yeah…
Twin: Crunching on Izzy.
Jen: Who?
OT: Brunette with good boobs.
Jen: Got it.
Twin: Lace…
Jen: Who?
OT: Our season. Brunette with bad extensions.
Jen: Right.
Twin: All over Grant.
Jen: Who?
OT: Hotter than crap firefighter.
Jen: I see.
Twin: Amanda and Josh.
OT: The couple over there sweating and making out in front of everyone.
Twin: So gross.
Jen: Is he eating pizza?
Twin: Then there’s Nick…
OT: Who totally digs Amanda, but Josh swooped in.
Twin: Just like Caila did with me and Jared.
OT: Quiet! Ashley will cut you.
Twin: Are you being condescending?
OT: There’s also E.D.
Twin: But he has a thing for Carly.
Jen: Who’s left?
Twin: Damn Daniel. He’s super funny.
OT: And sort of likes Sarah.
Jen: So my options are one of you.
Twin/OT: Yes.

Damn Daniel offers to pay Jen a few Canadian loonies to take him on a date, but after careful consideration, she chooses Nick. Everyone cheers, including me.

In other news, E.D. is light headed because of an ankle sprain. The medic thinks he should go to the emergency room. E.D. realizes that this could be a super romantic date — would Carly join him in the ambulance for a quick ride to Urgent Care and a tiny container of Jell-O?

By golly she does. She claims E.D. has the best heart of anyone she’s ever met. All aboard, people. She’s back on the E.D. train! Or crazy train! Same track. Take your pick.

Meanwhile, Nick and Jen get comfortable on the beach. Nick tries to turn on the charm, but Jen is super distracted by an army of crabs that insist on pulling focus. Nick tries to From Here To Eternity Jen, but it’s hard to concentrate when a billion crabs are threatening to take over. Sebastian was a little aggressive when he recruited his extended family to join in on this particular rendition of “Kiss the Girl.”

ROSE CEREMONY

Our Host Chris Harrison walks in to start the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour. Could it be that’s he’s even better looking than the night before? He smells of coconut oil, a mai tai and swagger.

Jared and Caila carve out some one-on-one time to discuss the I-Lashes situation. Caila appreciates Jared making her feel comfortable, but the fact of the matter is that Ashley is straight up cray and she doesn’t want to end up like her, because guess what? Caila is reeeeeeeally into Jared.

Jared apologizes for all the drama. He promises Caila that they are MFEO and he will not stop pursuing her. Then they make out.

Nick is with Ashley and takes a different approach — brutal honesty.

Nick: Why didn’t you mentally prepare yourself for this?
Ash: I didn’t think he was going to like someone!

Nick: Aren’t you hopeful that Jared will meet someone?
Lincee: Bless you, Nick.
Ash: NO. I LIKE HIM. I CAN’T SEE HIM WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

Nick: This isn’t love. It’s infatuation. It’s an obsession.
Ash: You can’t tell me that!
Nick: I am certain. You are NOT going to be with him. You will NEVER be with Jared.

Then the world stood still for a solid 30 seconds. Even the crabs chilled out on the beach so Ashley could absorb this reality.

Well, she didn’t technically absorb it. In fact, she deflected it like Wonder Woman with her bracelets. She moves on to Jared to let him know that her feelings for him have not disappeared over night and she will never be okay without him. Jared is visibly done.

Ash: Now you’re made at me.
Jared: No, I’m frustrated.
Lincee: What does condescending mean?

Ash: It’s not about you!
Jared: Then why are you making it about me?
Ash: How am I supposed to find another you?

Jared: I’m done. I want to leave.
Ash: How can it not be more? Especially since there was a glimmer?
Lincee: I think you mean sparkle. Don’t let him take it, Ash.

TO BE CONTINUED…

What do you think? Will Jared leave? Does Ashley run out of Kleenex? Will the stress of it all make Caila’s hair fall out? Does Carly really love E.D.? Sound off in the comments section!

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Kelly
Kelly
3 years ago

Perfect recap! Three cheers for Nick saying what we ALL want to say to I-lashes. Jared just isn’t into you and NEVER will be. Stop forcing it. I can’t believe she’s been hanging onto hope for over a year. Let it go, girl, let it go! Loved the Sebastian reference, hahaaaa.

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Let it go. Let it goooooooi!

tsinivari
tsinivari
3 years ago
Reply to  Lincee

I’m going to say it: I actually feel kind of bad for Ashley. Everyone paints Jared as this nice guy, and I’m sure he is, but (there’s always a but)…from what she’s said (on after Paradise and just watching him interact with her) he’s actually led her on. I mean…the way he’s been with her in the past very much sent the “I’m into you signals” and if you notice, never once does Jared state plainly, as Nick did, that it’s just not going to happen. Full stop. End of story. There’s trying to let someone down gently and then… Read more »

Deebee
Deebee
3 years ago
Reply to  tsinivari

Excellent observation. Jared definitely needs to tell her “no chance.”

Deelyla
Deelyla
3 years ago
Reply to  tsinivari

I completely agree and said exactly the same thing last night to a friend. If Jared doesn’t want her – than he needs to quit making her feel there is a glimmer. I wonder if Ashley started seeing someone – if he would suddenly be jealous that he wasn’t the focus of her attention?

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
3 years ago

I don’t think Jared will leave- I think when Ashley actually does find a guy she truly likes who feels the same way about her then she will finally get over Jared, but until that happens I think she’ll keep holding on to her infatuation with Jared. I think compared to last year it is obvious Jared does care about Ashley, and he doesn’t want to hurt her, but I agree with Nick they could never really be more than friends. I know they showed Wells in the preview and he was so cute and wonderful, so I hope he… Read more »

Kelly
Kelly
3 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth

Agree! Josh is horrible and all the moaning is a turn-off. He seems so rehearsed, fake and shallow.

MIlly
MIlly
3 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth

Good point. It seems as though Carly is only “into” Evan the weeks that the guys are giving the roses, and is more disgusted by him the weeks that the rose is in her hands. I don’t mean to judge her- because I do think she is drawn to the fact that he is a genuinely nice guy. But I think Paradise is clouding her judgement- She would NEVER give him a second date in the real world! #desperation much?! Amanda and Josh likley know nothing about each other and Josh definitely shows signs that Andi’s rumors are true (excessive… Read more »

Kiele
Kiele
3 years ago
Reply to  MIlly

I think it’s also Wells and Ashley’s shadows kissing in the ocean in the opening sequence of the show, if you are dorky enough to look closely it looks like both their profiles

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth

That was Wells?!??

alyce
alyce
3 years ago
Reply to  Lincee

Yes, it’s Wells. He was helping me with my intramural soccer team in my dream last night, so I have a clear picture of exactly what he looks like.

Watch cuz I like this blog
Watch cuz I like this blog
3 years ago
Reply to  alyce

So funny, alyce.

Kathy
Kathy
3 years ago

As crazy as Daniel is, I love him. He is the best entertainment on this train wreck. Honestly, after the first cry, I was over Ashley “I” lashes. She totally needs to go home. Poor Jared looks like he’s about to throw himself to the crabs. Loved your line about Daniel trying to swipe Ashley’s v-card with his Canadian bacon, keep up the great work!

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathy

Thank you!

Julie
Julie
3 years ago

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I finished last night’s show with a bit of a crush on Nick. I actually rewound and watched what he said before Ashley and Daniel’s date twice, because I found it so adorable. (“I’m kind of excited about it. I’m not really sure what happens when you put an alien and a virgin together.”) And then the brutally honest yet kind advice he tried to give Ashley about Jared toward the end? She’s not trying to hear it, obviously, but it was refreshing to have someone finally call her out on her delusions.… Read more »

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
3 years ago
Reply to  Julie

I have been so surprised by Nick! I never cared for him with Andi or Kaitlyn (though I did feel really bad for him while he was proposing to Kaitlyn because she took SO long to stop him), but he seems way more likeable on Paradise. I loved his moment with Ashley, he seemed like a great get-a-grip friend. I’m hopeful that Nick and Ashley will find good love interests on the show at least, though I think its pretty ridiculous anyone would get engaged after 3 weeks. It seems to have worked for Jade and Tanner though they always… Read more »

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Julie

I think both work!

tracee
tracee
3 years ago

I hope Jared watches a replay of Nick’s words! He is the one that should have said them a Long Long Long time ago. YAWN……
Weird double date scene? what were they sharing in a circle their feelings about their loved ones?
I really wish they didn’t put the Kibosh on Lacey’s chick fight. That was going to be trouble.

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  tracee

Exactly, tracee!

Ashley K
Ashley K
3 years ago

“Sebastian was a little aggressive when he recruited his extended family to join in on this particular rendition of “Kiss the Girl.”” I just choked I laughed so hard at that line!!! Apparently the I in Ashley I stands for Infatuated. I’m over her and her sobbing. Though I do love her dad, he was awesome on After Paradise! Carly, Carly, Carly. I want so much better for her. Hopefully she snaps out of E.D.’s weirdness spell as soon as she leaves paradise. Josh and Amanda make me want to vom. And I’m embarrassed for Amanda. One day her girls… Read more »

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Ashley K

Thank you!

Erin
Erin
3 years ago

Hilarious recap! I fear it will be another season of Ashley, Jared, and Nick heading home alone. I do like the redemption of Nick this season. He wasn’t high on my list before, but now I’m really hoping he finds someone. Or at least gets a syndicated advice column or book deal.

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Erin

I hope he does too! I should totally write a book.

Angela
Angela
3 years ago

I loved the MFEO “Sleepless in Seattle ” reference Lincee, you always have the best 90’s kid flashback moments for me. I used to like Carly but I’m not impressed with her back and forth with ED….it’s obvious no one else wanted her this season so she’s settling rather than having enough self respect to hold home alone. I have been crushing on Nick too this season….where are my ice skates so I can go skating in hell? What world are we in where he’s the dreamy one? This is my vicarious vacation though and I love my guilty pleasure!… Read more »

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Angela

Just call me the pop culture kid!

Susan McC
Susan McC
3 years ago

“I’m not crying. I’m allergic to all my feelings.” gets my vote, made me laugh out loud; altho” Damn Daniel’s routine about sacrificing a calf and how he’lll do it wa Damn Funny!

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Susan McC

Thanks Susan McC!

amanda
amanda
3 years ago

Now we can answer the age old question, “What happens when and alien and a virgin get together?”

SOLD!!!!
Best line!

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  amanda

Nick is on fire this season!

Kelli
Kelli
3 years ago

Okay–did anyone else wonder why Ash-I-Lashes didn’t come back after they went to sacrifice her? Because obviously they didn’t , since she was back crying on the beach the next day. I was all “HEY! Don’t leave me hanging here!” I love Nick. I wish I was younger because I love him so much–especially after his conversation with Cry Me a River Ashley. That was hysterical.

I can’t wait for next week!

Vangie
3 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

On the aftershow, Ashley talks about how they danced with the Aztecs, so I guess that they didn’t show it. I loved loved loved Nick this episode!! He sounds like such a nice guy, and a real friend to a lot of the girls. I wonder if he really changed that much, or he got a really bad edit?? I also love that someone actually ate the food on a date!!! (Daniel after Ashley was carried off).

Jennifer
Jennifer
3 years ago
Reply to  Vangie

I think Nick got a bad edit. I liked Nick on his past two seasons and I really like him now. I doubt he would have changed a ton. I just don’t understand how he can’t find a girl in Chicago or Milwaukee (since that is where his family is). So makes me think he just wants the fame. To each their own.

Christine
Christine
3 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

I think how Nick changed is that he ditched the arrogance. Getting dumped very publicly by two Bachelorettes on network TV probably caused that to happen. He is much more appealing now. His kind lecture to Deluded Ashley was great, and needed to be said. Now if only Jared would grow a pair and talk to her that way too!

Ruth
3 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

Yes! That was weird! I guess nothing of interest happened. But I was half expecting we wouldn’t see Ashley again. Ever.

Allia
Allia
3 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

I think Nick learned how to work the camera. On his first season he came off a bit creepy because he was always looking at the cam from under his eyebrow. It didn’t help that he went with the “I’m not here to make friends” attitude. The second and third time he loosened up and opened up to people and the camera, so he comes off much friendlier and easy going. I think he’s actually a genuine guy, he just didn’t have the best attitude the first time around. I think Josh has a little rolodex of lines (that his… Read more »

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

I guess it was less dramatic than what they hoped?

Kellie
3 years ago

Did anyone else notice the bags of trail mix on Ashley’s bed during one of her cry fests?! Nice they provide some energy to get her through the saga!!

I’m curious to see who shows up next week to throw a wrench into all these couples!

I loved in the after show when they all shared what it really sounds like when Josh is making out with Amanda

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kellie

She needs the nourishment to produce all the tears.

Laurainc
Laurainc
3 years ago

Why am I bothered that Sarah seems unaffected by Daniel basically ditching her? She had a good thing going with Christian. I bet she regrets kicking him to the curb.
And I too am ice skating in hell….because Nick has actually seemed legitimately kind and REAL. THIS is how a reputation redemption is done!

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Laurainc

She doesn’t care. About anyone left. She’s just in it for the sun and booze.

Jennifer
Jennifer
3 years ago

okay girls lets be honest. If Jared truly did not like Ashley and not want anything to do with her.. he would say ” Ashley, I don’t share the feelings for you that you share with me, and I will not ever. You should leave so that I have a shot to find someone else.. and since he has not said any part of that.. I wonder.. does he like the attention? What flowers? hmmm…

Allia
Allia
3 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

I think Ashley and Jared had a thing off camera. Clearly a one-sided thing, but a thing nevertheless.
Jared looked genuinely surprised (and horrified) to see her. It seems like he came to bip for Caila, and was waiting for her (hence his boredom all this while).

Trish
Trish
3 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

My guess is he has been the typical guy who never flat out told her they will never be together because she’s his backup up plan if nothing else works out. I mean she thinks he loves her too so I would guess he never said that it will never happen, even though his face says it every time she speaks!

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Jennifer

They totally have something going on in one way or another.

Kristin
Kristin
3 years ago

“Jared has given her the cold shoulder (the reaction, not the clothing)”
This is a new phrase that must become a trademark pending!!

Also this line was gold–“Ash: How can it not be more? Especially since there was a glimmer?
Lincee: I think you mean sparkle. Don’t let him take it, Ash.”

Doesn’t get better than that on a Lincee recap! Loved it!

Lincee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kristin

Thanks Kristin!

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