Bachelor in Paradise recap: All is Wells

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Episode 8

We hit pretty much every emotion on the spectrum during last night’s Bachelor in Paradise episode. Seriously. We experienced major tears, minor tears, lots of condescension, straight up anger, befuddlement, euphoria, doldrums and several, “Oh no” moments when a certain girl named Jami entered Paradise.

But nothing compares to the monstrosity that was Carly’s rose ceremony outfit. It made me feel things. Confused, angry, scared and heartburn. Why would anyone take the scarlet-colored doilies from someone’s quinceañera decorations and make a shorty sleeveless romper? Moreover, why sew the same scarlet-colored doilies together to make leg warmers that you wear on your arms?

No. A thousand times, no.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s talk tears. Specifically? Ashley’s tears. Remember how she came back from being rejected and promised all island dwellers that she was totally over Jared? Caila sees right through that. We don’t know who is here for the right reasons (right reasons) or wrong reasons (wrong reasons), but Caila wisely deduces that the only way Princess Jasmine is going to get over Aladdin is if he tells her himself that he is into Mulan.

Jared and Ash have a “super honest” conversation with each other, which is one step above regular honest. He admits that he has feelings for Caila and wants to pursue them. Ashley cries through her defense and I don’t understand a word she says. Because I’m a good blogger, I rewind to listen again. I got nothing other than “bad place” and “I need someone to show up.” I did learn that grey is not a good color for the island because it doesn’t hide boob sweats.

Ashley stumbles over to hang with her real friends: Jorge and John Daly. She tells the camera that she just might fling herself into the ocean and let the undertow take her away. Then she remembers the spirit of her dog Lucy and decides to pray to the heavens (where all dogs go) that her little fluffy dog would send a little fluffy dude to walk in that door (or archway made of foliage) soon!

The island dogs rally together and make it happen. The entire cast’s prayers have been answered! Could those be skinny jeans walking down the pathway? Why yes! IT’S WELLS!

Although he still looks a touch anemic, I’m confident his presence will officially save the day. Let’s get this boy some red meat and a date!

Immediately, everyone goes overboard trying to convince Wells that Ashley I-Lashes is just the girl for him. The Twins push it big time. Caila is all over it too. The group agrees that Wells must be the catalyst to help Ashley barrel through Crazy Town so she doesn’t set up shop as Mayor. No one cares about Ashley’s love life, or Wells’ for that matter. We’re doing this for Jared.

Wells pulls Ashley aside so they can talk about how each vibe on the other’s Instagram account. Plus, dogs are awesome. Wells decides to ask her out and the entire island rejoices! Jared and Caila make out horizontally on the beach bed in celebration. Now that Ashley is out of the picture, she can totally start falling in love with Jared.

Meanwhile, Wells and Ashley actually eat tacos on camera. It was a sight to behold. BIP is all about the food this season, with the turkey and the pizza and the tacos!

Ashley worries that she’s going to dork out in front of Wells, which she does. She talks about Jared without talking about him. She wants Wells to know that it totally doesn’t bother her that the boy she stalks and the girl with pretty hair are attached at the lip.

Wells: I just don’t want to be the guy who makes another guy jealous.
Lincee: Jared? Jealous? Heaven’s no. You’re just a distraction my friend. Check the small print on your contract. It’s right there.

Ashley: Who’s your favorite band?
Wells: Talking Heads. Who’s your favorite band?
Lincee: This should be good.
Ashley: You’ll make fun…
Lincee: Probably.
Wells: I won’t. Tell me.
Ashley: Hanson!
Lincee: Awesome. Can you tell me what Mmmbop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du means?

Just as Wells decides to forget it all with a fourth shot of tequila, the ABC Intern lures a dog into the shot with bits of chicken. Jared and Ashley bond over the pup’s thug life. Ashley pounds another taco (aco-taco) and then Jared leans in for the kiss. I guess he learned his lesson that you shouldn’t play hard to get on a nationally televised dating show, or they’ll send you in the last week of Paradise.

The village kids rush over to Jared and Ashley to give them a wishing lantern. All you have to do is write a wish on a scrap of paper, tie it to the lantern, light it on fire like a hot air balloon and watch your dreams rise into the sky. If it doesn’t burn up, your wish comes true! Ashley writes meet Hanson marry Jared on her paper and sends it to the heavens. It immediately burns to the ground when she turns her back. FORESHADOWING IS REAL, Y’ALL!

Back in the tree house, Grant and Lace hit a few road bumps in their relationship. She “plays” with him by flirting with Tattoo Carl. Then she leans over to Grant and says, “Good luck getting a rose tonight.” Grant walks away. Lace is appalled that he is so sensitive. She’s irritated that he’s giving her attitude. He’s irritated that she’s being so disrespectful. I’m irritated that based on the jeans he’s currently wearing, I assume he could probably fit into my jeans as well. Clearly we’re all over tired.

Lace dry heaves because actual tears would ruin her fake eyelashes. She’s very upset because she’s been doing really good these last (two?) weeks. She feels the self sabotage coming on and she doesn’t like it. It doesn’t help that Amanda is right there describing what flavor Skittles Josh just ate based on no other information but the taste of his saliva. #islandproblems

Grant explains that the best way to handle Lace is to be patient when she flings up her walls. She does that when she’s scared. When other guys would bolt away from that major red flag, Grant walks right up to it, grabs it and carries it around while his girl tries to work out some wonky extensions. That’s true love. He apologizes for overreacting. She’s worth it. Lace accepts his apology and invites him to do a shot. #MFEO

Down below, Nick and Jen/Jennifer have decided that they want to take their romance to the next level. Literally. Upstairs is a big bed, which I assume doesn’t have any cameras around, or other pesky roommates. Amanda willingly gives Nick and Jen/Jennifer her blessing to “have fun” up there, so it’s completely jarring when Josh forbids the couple to even open the door to the stairs which lead to the pseudo fantasy suite.

Nick refrains from saying anything, but the vein in his head does threaten to pop. Jen/Jennifer takes over and explains to Josh that Amanda said they could stay up there. Josh shuts it down again, claiming that they have dibs. Plus, he already put a fan up there, but thanks.

Thanks for what?

Jen/Jennifer finds Amanda in her bed fast asleep. So she goes to a producer and asks her to tell Josh the good news. Josh laughs, wondering why “this guy” (read: Nick) is always trying to cause drama? His tone is aggressive. He storms over to Amanda, WAKES HER UP, and asks if she’s sleeping with him? A groggy Amanda tries to figure out where she is, why there’s a dude in her face and answers honestly, “I’m tired.” Josh barks, “GOOD TALK,” before heading to his own bed to dream about pizza.

ROSE CEREMONY
The girls have the power this week and Damn Daniel is nervous. He tries to woo Twin with her love language: chicken nuggets and onion rings. Then he tries to woo Izzy with a lamp. Grant and Lace have made up. Carly embraces her arm warmers and answers, “I am in love with you too!” when E.D. professes the same to her. She wonders to the camera, “How did I fall in love with the penis man?”

Bachelor in Paradise

What we do know is that the Twins are really concerned about Josh and Amanda. They heard that he was ticked that she didn’t sleep with him the night before and are concerned that their bestie might be getting tangled up with someone who has a major temper. They ask Nick what he thinks? He tries to be neutral, but eventually uses the terms “red flags” and “aggressive.” He also brings up Andi’s book — again. He casually mentions that her portrayal of Josh was terrible. And it’s a little weird that he suddenly shows up in Paradise and hooks up with the sweetest, nicest, most adorable woman on the island. Could it be a PR move?

The Twins stare at each other. Are Josh’s intentions pure?

Let’s be honest. Nothing is pure in Paradise. Besides Our Host Chris Harrison’s eyes, of course.

Ash gives her rose to Wells, Izzy gives hers to Lamp and all the couples give their roses to each other. That leaves the Twins, Damn Daniel, Carl and the Silver Fox. Harrison calls up the Twins and they immediately begin crying. Through heaving sobs, they tell Our Host that they can’t find love with any of the remaining suitors. They came together and they will leave together. Hare reminds the girls that if they leave, so does the Canadian, Tats McGee and the old guy who looks like he could also be a werewolf. The Twins nod their heads in agreement and just like that, Damn Daniel is oot.

Curses.

The Twins immediately grab Amanda and drag her to the beach below the tree house. Both cry physical tears. Amanda looks from one identical face to the other, asking them to tell her what’s wrong. SOBS! A MULTITUDE OF TEARS! WATERWORKS!

She channels her mothering instincts and treats them like her toddler daughters.

Amanda: Tell Mama what’s wrong. USE YOUR WORDS.
Twin: Don’t freak out.
Other Twin: Josh’s intentions aren’t real!
Amanda: I’m so confused.
Twin: Be strong.
Other Twin: But be cautious.
Amanda: What are you saying?
Twin: The book! It made him look bad. Now he needs PR!
Other Twin: He has a temper!
Amanda: Where are you getting this from?
Twin: Do you trust me?
Other Twin: Do you trust us? And our source?

Josh looks down from up above, wondering if the show would know if one twin suddenly went missing. He heads down to meet Amanda, but she doesn’t want to talk about it. Josh doesn’t let it go. He wants to know what’s wrong. She tells him again that she’s not willing to talk about it. He pushes, again. She uses the word “book” and he flies off the handle. He shouts at Amanda, furious that she’s giving “her” more press.

Josh launches into a monologue that sings her praises and his love for her. It’s very forced and scripted. Then he starts talking about his dog’s cancer and chemotherapy. He demands to know who the “source” is and when she can’t tell him, he does the math. It has to be Nick.

He invites all of the islanders to join him on the beach, even though it would have been easier for the one man to walk up the steps to the group of 20 people. He wants to know exactly who accused him of being fake? He shouts things about “being a man” and “behind my back” and “dog battling cancer” and even uses the word disingenuous. Word of the day toilet paper perhaps?

Nick steps up because he’s in his mid-30s. He admits that he’s concerned about Josh’s intentions. Nick says, once again, that the stuff in Andi’s book about him was true. Why wouldn’t the stuff about Josh be true as well? If it wasn’t, why didn’t he do something about it?

Nick later tells the camera that he could tell Josh was trying to remain calm. And that rant was the best he could do. He was a little intense, which is code for A LOT INTENSE. Here’s hoping Nick doesn’t get murdered in his sleep, because I would love to see him as the next bachelor!

While Josh packs his bags, Amanda tells Lace that more than one person has warned her about Josh. The Twins, Izzy, E.D. and Nick to name a few. Lace gives her that look of, “NO DUH!” before Amanda seeks Josh out to try and guess his Skittle breath again. Like Grant, she loves red flags and will use them to make her next rose ceremony dress just like Carly did with the scarlet doilies!

Josh wants to make sure she’s really okay and Amanda assures him that she’s tired of people telling her who to date. She’s also tired of no one giving her specific examples of how Josh has a temper.

CUE THE “GOOD TALK” FOOTAGE!

The next morning, Wells rises with the sun and takes a morning dip in shorty short swim trunks. Where are all the people? Just as he imagines The Chad coming in the middle of the night to take care of the masses and now everyone is sleeping with the fishes, Jami from Ben’s season arrives.

Her romper is short and the boobs are on display. I feel for certain that the adhesive tape keeping the girls behind the plunging neckline is going to erode, thanks to the humidity. Wells doesn’t seem to mind. He welcomes Jami to Paradise and they have a nice little chat while everyone else sleeps off the hangover.

Jami gives Wells her date card and he accepts. He feels a little weird leaving, knowing that he hasn’t had a chance to tell Ashley the “emotionally fragile human being.”

Ashley I

Wells leaves with Jami. Hours later, Ashley emerges from her cocoon. Jared takes to drinking after Jorge tells him the horrible news. Carly and E.D. take shelter. Nick, Bachelor in Paradise’s very own RA, waves Ashley over when she hits the beach. He gently tells her in quiet, small words, that Wells and Jami have gone on a date. He braces for her reaction.

Ash is fine, fine, fine. She’s got one hand in her pocket and the other one is giving a high five. She’s not worried at all. Nick stares back in amazement. That’s great! Look at this growth! Sure her lack of tears is wigging everyone out, but hey, a dry Ashley is a happy Ashley. And a happy Ashley makes for actual paradise in Paradise.

Jami and Wells go mudding and swimming before sitting on a wet rock (hello yeast infection!) to discuss comic books and how hair expands in moist climates. Wells kisses her for being an out and proud nerd.

Back at Jorge’s bar, Ashley continues tell herself that everything fine, fine, fine. She’s got one hand in her pocket and the other one is flicking a cigarette. There was literally no one else for Jami to choose because the Twins took three dues down with them the night before. Everyone else is bunnied up. Suddenly, Caila lifts her skirt to reveal a whelp where Jared smacked her butt last night.

Everything is not fine, fine, fine anymore. Ashley’s got one hand in her pocket and the other one is giving the opposite of the peace sign. Ashley grabs her trusty makeup case with 9-volt light bulbs and applies a fresh layer of foundation and lipstick. Then she searches for her prey.

She finds the gazelle alone, looking out from the balcony. Ash lets Caila know that she used to bother her but she’s totally cool now. Oh yeah, they are no longer friends. Caila wants to know if Ash thinks it was wrong of her to go out with Jared. I use Ashley’s silence to calculate how many times we’ve had this exact conversation.

Caila: It’s hard to get to know someone with someone else who loves them here, too.
Ash: Yeah, I’d feel guilty about that too.
Lincee: On Wednesdays, Ashley wears pink.

Caila begins to cry and Ashley lets her sit in her salty tears. Caila cares about Jared, but she doesn’t need to figure things out with Ashley lurking around every corner. Caila claims she doesn’t need nor does she want attention. She’s going to leave!

Is it just me, or are more people ditching the island than staying these days? I blame Zika.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Photo By: ABC.com

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