Bachelor in Paradise recap: Nick and Wells = best week ever

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Episode 9

Let me begin by saying that I approve of ABC’s decision to have Nick Viall as the next bachelor for season 21. My reasons are threefold:

  1. He’s funny as well as level-headed. We saw this multiple times during this season’s Bachelor in Paradise with Ashley I-Lashes and the Twins. I can see him taking on the same counseling role in the mansion, attempting to walk the dramatic/crazy contestants through their erratic behavior in a more mature manner before gently escorting out the front door. Wisdom comes with age. PS: This isn’t Nick’s first rodeo.
  2. Fans either love him or hate him. For those of us who watched BIP, he certainly did a great job redeeming his image. I actually found myself rooting for the guy at times! I definitely like him better than Josh. This announcement created tons of chatter last night on social media. I don’t think a Luke or a Chase reveal would have been as topsy-turvy. At the end of the day, Fleiss would rather rock the boat than go with the safe choice of a brooding cowboy. For the record, I would have been happy with any of those three suitors.
  3. I think it’s important to point out that casts from previous seasons appear to adore Nick. I’m the dork who follows most of these yahoos on social media and a ton of them think he is a kind, sweet, funny person. It wouldn’t surprise me if we see a handful of alumni on his season, vying for his attention. I imagine one lucky lady will get a phone call from the ABC Intern, inviting her to come out to see this comedian who just so happens to be performing for cast members of the new season — just like the call Nick received during Kaitlyn’s season.

My point? In the words of the talented ensemble of High School Musical, “We’re all in this together!” Let’s dance it out and embrace Nick’s journey just like we did 20 times before!

ON WITH THE RECAP!

Speaking of journeys, Caila is ending hers. She doesn’t want to be in Paradise anymore if Ashley I-Lashes is going to continue her quest to disable any romantic connection she may have with Jared. Jared pulls her into a hug and whispers in her ear that he’s going to go talk to Ashley. Caila backs away and says, “Great! Go talk to her. I’m going to pack.”

Let the record reflect that Ashley is listening from her perch by the bar this entire time with wide, anticipatory eyes. She can’t imagine Jared leaving Paradise with someone other than herself. She hears Caila say, “That’s the problem. You need to talk to other people. I don’t have to do that.”

HEAR! HEAR!

Of course Jared runs to Ashley the minute Caila leaves him to gather the 12 items of clothing she packed for Paradise. He finds her crunching a chalupa. She immediately defends herself: I did it out of the goodness of my heart; I hope you appreciate that I saved you from a ridiculous relationship; I would never hurt you.

Jared explains that Caila is leaving. Ashley pretends to be shocked.

Ash: I did not tell her to leave!
Lincee: That is true. Telling Caila not to stay is entirely different.

Ash: She said she doesn’t like you.
Lincee: Are your pants on fire?

Jared raises his voice and asks Ashley if she wants him to be happy? She begins to cry in a way that makes me hate things. I can’t understand a word she says. I quickly become irritated when Jared consoles his weeping friend. Ashley loves this moment. She tells the camera that she feels safe, loved and that Jared will always be there for her. He’s filling the Lucy void for sure. #RIPLuce

What she didn’t expect was for Jared to pull an Ames and go running after Caila’s ride to the airport. Where was he five minutes ago when Caila had to hoist her own heavy suitcase into the back of the rejection SUV?

He knocks on the window, interrupting Caila’s tearful confession. He hops in the backseat and Caila looks stumped. Not in a good way. I have this feeling that she wasn’t really into Jared and Ashley was her excuse out. But with Jared following her (read: escaping), she had to give it a go. According to the after show that no one watches, they are already dunzo. #RIPJaila

Meanwhile, Ashley is super upset that she just lost her best friend. We’re unsure if she means Jared or Lucy. Carly is done with the tears and tells her through a stoic face that she needs to get over it because everything will work out in the end.

Ashley embraces this new lease on life and decides right then and there that she is going to focus on herself and her new romance with Wells, who is currently on a date with another woman. She sits down at her lighted makeup box, cakes on another layer of powder and chooses the perfect sultry red lipstick to match her bikini top so she can look her best when he returns.

Wells and Jami do return, holding hands, and Nick fills them in on what has happened since they left for their date that morning. Instead of saying, “Ashley deliberately destroyed any relationship Caila and Jared may have developed in Paradise” he went with a much more politically correct, “Caila felt she didn’t want to be here anymore and Jared left with her. Abruptly.”

When Wells pressures Nick for details, Ashley gets up to have a good cry on Jorge’s shoulder. Before she can reach her destination, Wells asks for a quick one-on-one. Ashley gets a severe case of the maniacal laughs when he explains that his date with Jami was really, really good. Except for that part where they both got crotch rot from sitting on wet rocks while they made out by the waterfall.

Ashley confesses that she gets bummed out when he holds other girls’ hands. Wells does a great job keeping his face composed while alarms of “MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY” go off in his head. Ashley gives him permission to “just be chill” this week and keep his options open. Welcome to Paradise, Wells.

Wells compliments Ashley for being normal and rational in this moment. Bless it.

Out of the blue, Lauren B. from Ben’s season arrives. Jami’s short romper from yesterday looked like a turn of the century bathing suit compared to Lauren’s barely there romper. Bonus: it is a two-piece! And why are we keeping the B. initial behind Lauren’s name? By my count, there are no other Laurens on the island. Is she trying to pull an Ashley I?

Every head turns when she hits the sand. Carly predicts that feathers will be ruffled. Jen/Jennifer immediately pulls LB aside to convince her that she should go after Brett. Who’s Brett you ask? I understand your confusion. He’s the Lamp Guy who currently looks like a prisoner. You know, the one Izzy left Vinny for last week.

Wells tries not to make contact with Lauren because he doesn’t want yet another girl swooning over him. Also, his wallet is too small for his fifties and his diamond shoes are too tight.

To make matters worse, Shushanna, the Russian mathematician from Ben’s season, shows up. Or to use Ashley’s words, Shushanna, the Euro trash from Ben’s season, shows up. And she has her sights set on Wells.

Izzy does her best to drape all over Brett to subliminally show Lauren B. that he is taken, but the kindergarten teacher doesn’t care. She asks Brett and Shu asks Wells. Ash and Iz drown their sorrows in whatever booze is closest.

The girls quickly decide that denim panties and lacy tank tops are the best outfits for a double date. The foursome heads to surf school. LB shimmies out of her denim panties to reveal teeny tinier bikini bottoms. Shu goes a different route with her swimwear. She chooses straight up lingerie, complete with modesty black box.

Lauren immediately gets up on her board and rides in to shore with the cheers of Wells and Shu as her background track. Brett gets up too and manages to run his board right over LB. She doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, they make out in the sand as soon as medics confirm that she doesn’t have a concussion. She tells Brett that she’s normal (?) and attracted to him and she would like to connect on another level. Brett understands and connects his tonsils with hers.

Shu has a harder time surfing, which is totally understandable. Has she ever seen an ocean before? Give her a pair of skis or a flight of vodka shots and she would own this date. She gives Wells a “wish bracelet” and casually mentions that all of her wish bracelet wishes have come true. He asks what she wished for today? She bats her eyelashes, squishes her boobs up against his chest and says, “Guess!” in a seductive, Russian accent.

Home girl is giving every signal in the book and Wells isn’t having it. He tells the camera that she’s basically the hot European villain in a Bond movie who tries to distract 007 while the evil boss gets away on a helicopter. He can’t decide if she’s going to cast a spell on him or murder him. With that said, this is uncharted territory for our deejay. He goes under her spell and passionately kisses her for the sake of the show. And for the sake of his journal.

Dear Diary,

THREE GIRLS LIKE ME!

Love, Wells

Back on the island, E.D. and Carly are all hot and heavy on the beach bed. So much is going on that a black modesty box appears covering the general area of E.D.’s bathing suit region. Carly giggles that she was able to give him that “reaction” and all of the viewers wonder if it is natural or if E.D. is self-medicating?

Was that just me?

E.D. gives us the lowdown on the Josh/Nick fiasco from the night before. We find Josh and Amanda basking in the glow of their very own date card. Josh is excited to get away from the drama almost as much as he’s excited to discover that dinner will be pizza. Their conversation is all about Nick (naturally) and Amanda’s vow to not be worried about all the other people who think Josh is not good for her. The one regret she has is that the cast isn’t excited that she found love.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF, WOMAN!

Josh calls Amanda his best friend in the world. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Neither mention the two kids that will be part of this relationship in the real world. Details.

Across the island, Ashley is slowing beginning to freak out. Even though Nick praised her for “keeping it together the last 24-hours,” Ashley is having a hard time with her Wells also liking the “random Canadian” and the “Russian hooker.” It doesn’t help that Jami is being super aggressive by going after what she wants. How dare she take a page out of Ashley’s book!

When Ash finds out that Shu kissed Wells on their date, she goes in for the kill. She wants to know exactly what is up with Wells and why is he being so unclear about what he’s thinking?!

Ah, Wells. Three women, one rose. One stays, two go…es. Who will it be? Will he give it to Jami? Is Shu even in the running? Will Brett pick LB or Izzy? Do we trust Josh? Raise your hands if you miss the Twins and Damn Daniel’s commentary! Are you pumped about Nick’s new Bachelor status? Sound off in the comments!

Photo By: ABC.com

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