‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: Freeze frame
I have thoughts.
- There is an intense lack of Our Host Chris Harrison in this ridiculous show.
- How does it end? When the booze runs out? When there aren’t any more previous mansion dwellers from which to choose? Will Harrison roll up in a perfectly fitted linen suit, clink a champagne glass and shout, “THE TIME SHARE IS UP! GET OUT!”
- Is there a winner? Obviously they aren’t playing for money, so why does Jesse Kovacs keep talking about this being a competition? Will Uncle Neil come out to the island and let Marcus pick out a ring for Lacy? Will there be a Home Depot proposal area just in case someone feels like popping the question before they head home?
- Michelle Money needs to be on every Bachelor franchise show. She is comedy gold and deserves major kudos for her one-liners. Can you imagine sitting through 120 minutes without her commentary? We’d all be stuck watching Clare hold her basket so Zack could put eggs in it and AshLee complaining about hidden cameras. No thank you.
- Speaking of Clare’s basket, how many of Zack’s eggs will that thing hold?
- The man necklaces have reached a new level of special.
- Do they really need all those lanterns to walk from one treehouse to the other?
- Is it necessary to begin every conversation with, “Can I be completely honest?” Does that mean everything else you say is a lie? Or a half truth since you are just now being completely honest?
- I missed the Emmy’s for this?
- THERE’S ANOTHER ONE TOMORROW?!
Take a moment to digest that last sentence.
I Like You — Ben Rector
Lacy and Marcus are in ooey gooey love, but they haven’t told each other yet, because, you know, it’s been like six days. The smart thing to do is give the relationship at least a season of a week before you say the “L” word. Marcus accidentally lets it slip, saying that he
loves likes this very long list of attributes and Lacy is ecstatic. He tells her he is smitten and she almost asks him what that means, but decides to stick her tongue down his throat instead. Everything comes natural to these two kids. I wish them well. And I wish Lacy would take one or two layers of makeup off.
Sailing — Christopher Cross
Robert receives a one-on-one date card and asks Sarah to go sailing with him. I can’t tell if he really likes her or if he’s just playing the game to stay on the island. She is definitely digging his chili. And I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes. They did have an “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!” moment right before Sarah claimed she was in “Saradise.” Someone help me.
Me, Myself and I — Beyonce
Kalon arrives on the island wearing jeans and tennis shoes. Mistake number one. He is greeted with looks of disgust. Michelle calls him a jackhole. (It was bleeped, but I’m pretty sure that’s what she said.) Just as Michelle leans over to remind Marquel that Kalon was the one who called Emily’s daughter baggage, he plops himself down by Michelle and asks her out on a date. Michelle accepts through gritted teeth, fully aware that she just agreed to go out with said jackhole, but changes her mind the next day. She tells him that she has a daughter and was very offended by what he did to Emily. She doesn’t want to spend the whole day with someone she doesn’t respect.
This does not effect the luxury consultant in the slightest. He wanders down to the deck where Jackie and Sarah are laying out. He asks Jackie to join him on his date, to which Jackie responds, “I don’t think a date would be beneficial. Thanks though.”
I cheer. Kalon leaves. Jackie tells Sarah that she will be right back and Sarah begs her not to leave because Kalon will just turn around and ask her out. I cheer again. Jackie leaves Sarah anyway and sure enough, Kalon meanders back down and asks Sarah if she wants to go spelunking. Sarah tells him that she likes Robert and he is dismissed.
So Kalon once again makes Bachelor history and goes on the franchise’s first one-on-none date. That’s right, he dates himself. After three seasons, he’s finally going out with someone he likes. He toasted himself, had a wonderful conversation with himself and he got lucky with himself. It was as painful to watch as it is to type. It was the dumbest thing ever and I fast forwarded through most of it. But since I’m a loyal recapper, I will leave you with this animated GIF. Be warned: YOU CAN NOT UN-SEE THIS! Proceed with caution.
— Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) August 26, 2014
The Cave – Mumford & Sons
Jesse Kovacs saunters onto the island as if he owns the joint. He peels out of his navy linen shirt, flashes the date card and chooses Jackie to join him on a date. She accepts and Marquel pulls up his hoodie to cover his head in defiance.
Jackie wears the tightest red dress, which surprises Jesse for some reason. I’m not sure why because he is a regular on this show. Just look at his Ames pants for crying out loud! This ain’t his first rodeo. He takes her into this somber cave full of bats. Nothing says romance like stalactites and stilettos! Jesse tells the camera that if he wants something, he goes after it. Unfortunately, he means a free vacation in Mexico instead of the knockout redhead across the table.
He schmoozes her with compliments using buzz words like “vibe” and “in the moment.” Jackie stares back with a blank face. Jesse finds her reserve annoying.
Lacy: Are you strategizing to get a rose?
Jesse: I was going to hand the card off so I could get to know the others better, but then I thought I should take this super attractive girl out! I’m not good at faking things.
Cue swelling music.
Cue my friend Emily: Surely there’s not a private concert in the cave.
Cue me: No. That’s just backgrou…OH MY GOODNESS THERE IS A PRIVATE CONCERT IN THE CAVE!
There was a stage and everything! (Andrew Ripp is actually pretty good. You should check him out.)
Jesse and Jackie dance in circles. I was afraid we were going to see another private show — the bottom curves of Jackie’s butt cheeks. But that didn’t happen. And they weren’t attacked by bats either. We are all winners!
Jesse admits to the camera that he’s using Jackie to get a rose. My hope is that Jackie sees it from a mile away.
You’re the One That I Want — Grease
When Cody is dropped on the island, he runs into the open arms of Marcus and then literally picks Marquel up out of sheer joy. He meets everyone in the circle, pulls out the date card and asks Clare if she would like to join him. She pulls him aside to let him know that she checked “yes” when Zack passed her a note the day he arrived. Cody scoffs. It’s been six days! She needs to give him a chance!
This tickles Clare, so she runs over to Zack to brag. He gives her an out. If she wants to go, she should go.
Clare: If the situation were reversed, what would you do?
Zack: Depends on the girl. And the scenario.
Clare gives him a look like this:
She becomes ice cold and there’s a lot of talk about hesitation, being on the same page and putting all the eggs in one basket. She wants a man who knows what he wants! She wants a man who is there for her and nobody else! Cody’s declaration isn’t looking so bad now!
As it turns out, Clare still picks Zack, even after Cody tells her she’s way better looking in real life than on TV. Somebody call Hallmark! That has greeting card written all over it.
Cody ends up giving his date to Marcus and Lacy. Out of love and respect, bro. Peace out.
Hard To Say I’m Sorry — Chicago
Zack pulls Clare away to have a private discussion with her and the cameras on a Mexican blanket. He tells her that his eggs are totally in her basket and they are on the same page. He wants to give this a shot. Clare makes him beg a few minutes more before making out and forgiving him for being concerned that she is a bit on the controlling side. And by bit I mean she would not only wear the pants in that family, but the entire three-piece suit.
I’ll Be Seeing You — Billie Holiday
AshLee puts on her white Pocahontas bikini, sits in a hammock with Zack and proceeds to tell him that he’s pretty much an idiot for aligning himself with Clare. She tells him that Clare is crazy, not to mention the fact that she did some naughty things with Juan Pablo in the ocean. Then she casually questions why no cameras are currently filming them. Have they not seen her fringe swimwear and long eyelashes this morning?
Zack calmly points out a hidden camera posing as a lamp to the left and Pocahontas turns as white as her bikini. She begins to do major damage control and everyone can tell that she is back pedaling.
Zack: She’s freaking out about the hidden camera.
Michelle: You can’t hide from the cameras.
Lacy: AshLee has a guilty conshush.
Lincee: I’m 80/40 that’s an actual word.
AshLee tells Lacy a modified version of what she told Zack. Lacy of course tells Clare and Clare lets her freak flag fly! Everyone begins to whisper and I silently thank ABC for subtitles. Or I rolled my eyes. I’ll never tell. But I bet you can guess. All you need to know is that Clare steals knives from the butcher block and Graham teaches young Robert that when women get “that look” in their eyes, it’s best to stay away.
The more you know.
Clare lets off a little steam to Zack, who blows it right back in her face. He does not want the drama and didn’t come to the island to watch girls fight. Clare is outraged!
Cat Scratch Fever – Ted Nugent
If looks could kill, AshLee would be six feet under. The claws are coming out and Clare is mentally daring AshLee to cross her. AshLee summons the courage to ask Clare to take a walk. Instead of a beach, picture this exchange in a junior high hallway:
Ash: I can tell something is wrong, and I’m not sure what I did.
Clare: You’re not? Really?
Ash: If I hurt your feelings, I want to make it right. You’re my friend.
Clare: You are not my friend. You threw me under the bus.
When AshLee asked to hug it out, Clare passed. This hurt AshLee’s feelings more than the comment about her character. Run Graham. RUN.
Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran
Michelle Money complained about no one liking her the entire episode. It wasn’t until Cody gave her a neck/back/arm/hand massage that she starting thinking differently. She even sat through Cody’s speech before the rose ceremony, listening to him tell her that he no longer liked Clare. He wants to give it a go with her! Since they both need someone to give their roses to, they playfully flirt back and forth and wait patiently until the next castaways arrive.
Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
Michelle Money’s temporary happiness is put on pause when she notices Graham looking super uncomfortable. She is not buying what AshLee is selling and clearly Graham is feeling the weight of this reality as well. Michelle does not want him to accept AshLee’s rose. She mentions the big rift between Clare and AshLee and Graham has no clue what she’s talking about. (Remember how he avoided that business like the plague?) Money fills him in. He responds, “Can I get a Vodka soda please?”
We are unsure if Graham is using the alcohol as liquid courage or a catalyst to forget the night, but the fact that AshLee is one person in front of the cameras and another person when they are somewhere else obviously concerns Graham. He is unclear of AshLee’s intentions. I personally think this is a perfect opportunity for him to cut the cord. She will be devastated and Graham will feel bad, but it will be for the greater good.
Harrison waltzes in, clinks his glass and points to the roses on the table. He barely even gets lines on the show anymore. Doesn’t ABC know why we watch this trashy show? MORE HARRISON!
Lacy gives her rose to Marcus. That was a no brainer. Zack put his egg in Clare’s basket. Equally predicted. AshLee is called to the podium. She sweeps her long hair to the side, picks up her boutonniere and asks Graham to accept her rose.
He stands there. And stands there. Wipes the sweat from his brow and stands there some more. Then he leaves the rose ceremony taping area, walking through about 10 behind-the-scene people. Is he going to throw up? Is he about to pass out? Is he trying to disapparate using a stick he found on the beach? Why is Michelle Money racing after him instead of his six-day-old girlfriend?
Then the words TO BE CONTINUED flash across the screen and we check our DVRs to make sure they are set to record tomorrow. Another two hours! Yay!
Enjoy this week’s playlist! The Ed Sheeran song is one of my favs!