‘Bachelor Paradise’ recap: Not one but several flew over the cuckoo’s nest
ABC’s recipe for a successful Bachelor in Paradise episode is simple. Take five cups of estrogen and fold in some jealousy, tears and body glitter. Mix four strands of a brunette weave, two statement necklaces and an entire package of false eyelashes. Add 10 ounces of sweat, a teaspoon of manners and six abs. Blend together with equal parts sea water and jägermeister. Serve chilled to the women and oblivious to the men.
I’m 80% sure that’s right and 40% sure Lacy can’t do math.
My brain willed me to jump ship when 10 minutes of the opening Harrison meet-n-greet was Elise teetering down 10 stairs in her platform wedges. But I pressed on. I’m not sure I understand the rules though, and I truly believe it doesn’t matter one iota. All you need to know is that roses are handed out to people you either want to or have already hooked up with prior to the rose ceremony. This week, the boys hold all the power.
I think it’s funny that ABC thinks we are invested in these people. I think it’s sad that they are sort of right, because let’s face it — WE’RE WATCHING THIS NONSENSE.
One word comes to mind in my defense: GRAHAM
Because the episode was ridiculously long, I’ve decided to use one of my spiritual gifts to recap the show. That’s right. I’m treating you all to a virtual mixed tape. Grab your walkman, sit back and let the music take you on this journey.
Lincee’s Inaugural Bachelor in Paradise Playlist
“I’ll Be There” – Jackson 5
Michelle Money is Bachelor royalty. When Mike Fleiss facilitates an all-star show, a reunion cruise or brainstorming session, Michelle Money is there. She arrived at the Paradise Tree House about 12 hours into the first day and simply owned the place. Her flowing pants were a bit on the unfortunate side, but that didn’t stop every girl from plastering on a fake smile, and joyously squealing upon her entrance. Graham was the only one who was genuinely happy. She took him off to a private cabana, wish resulted in AshLee nervously pulling at her messy braid while spewing insults under her breath.
I’m quite confident Money could take AshLee down using only her words and a well-timed raise of the eyebrow.
Michelle Money receives a date card. She strolls over to the queen-sized bed hanging from a tree near the beach (the ABC Intern took a shop class or two to pull that off) and asks Marquel to go horseback riding with her.
“Should’ve Been a Cowboy” – Toby Keith
Marquel was the only participant who came dressed for the occasion. He constantly impresses me with his wardrobe choices. At one point, he was even carrying a long piece of driftwood as a makeshift cane. He’s so cool. He opted for normal cargo shorts and tee to go horseback riding, instead of yoga pants and a tank top like his riding partner. His rose ceremony pants and jaunty fedora were just the right amount of whimsy. He gave his rose to Michelle Money who looked like she was dressing up as Lydia from Beetlejuice. The fact that she had funky hair extensions protruding from a banana clip (clearly mailed to her by Linea Ray from the depths of my childhood bathroom drawer) completed the retro look.
“Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” – Van Morrison
Elise claims Dylan from the minute he stepped back from Marqel’s hearty welcome embrace. She wisely refrains from professing her love. I guess that’s episode two material. Good call Elise. Good call.
“Raise Your Glass” – P!nk
Dylan plays it cool as Elise follows him around singing his praises. He waits until dark to escort her down to the water’s edge where she flings herself onto his torso to escape the tide. She held a glass of champagne the entire time. Dylan wades further into the water, forcing Elise to straddle him. Clearly she needs both arms to hang onto his neck. Dylan has two champagne glasses in one hand and the weight of a grown woman curved around his entire front side. He manages to stick his tongue down her throat as waves crash into their bodies without dropping either glass or the girl. I was extremely impressed by his dexterity and was not surprised when he gave Elise his rose during the ceremony.
“Nicest Kid in Town” – Hairspray the Musical
I’ve been following Graham for a while on Instagram, and I agree with the nosey busy bodies who were spying on his alone time with AshLee that he seems to be the nicest guy ever. AshLee told Graham that when she heard he was going to be on the show, she signed up. He takes this as a huge compliment instead of a red flag for stalker tendencies. Sadly, AshLee forgot to pee all over him because Clare invites Graham on her one-on-one date. AshLee is outraged and begins having a conversation with the other voices in her head about how Clare is such a slut. Clare finds out that AshLee has feelings for Graham, so she offers the date to AshLee who figuratively tears it up into a million pieces and throws it back in Clare’s face. Clare does the next best thing and retracts the date from Graham. A FIRST IN BACHELOR HISTORY! I guess we can consider that a dramatic moment. Graham tries to talk to AshLee on the beach about what just happened, but she played an immature game of freeze out. He thought this was highly immature. Say hello to the 10-year age gap G-Money!
“Marry You” – Bruno Mars
AshLee admits she follows Graham on social media and suddenly I feel like explaining to everyone that I’m more of a fan than a stalker. Daniella tells the camera that AshLee has a tendency to bring up marriage scenarios WAY BEFORE one should be wishin’ and hopin’. When Clare presents Graham with the date card, she goes upstairs in the tree house suitcase room to first talk to herself and then cry it out with Danielle. “Everyone knows he’s in to me. I’m the only normal person here beside him.”
I’m going to go out on a tree house limb and say AshLee is far from normal. It’s just a hunch.
When Michelle Money suddenly appears, AshLee has a change of heart. She hunts Graham down, interrupting his shirtless, morning exercises on the beach, so she can apologize for her behavior. Then she thanked him for being so cool, hugged him and left immediately.
That’s what should have happened, but instead she rambled on using the phrases “fairy tale ending” and “running off into the sunset together.” Danielle thinks Graham gave her his rose because he was afraid AshLee would chop his balls off in the middle of the night.
Normal is boring. Oh, and jean vests are definitely back.
“Rocky Raccoon” – The Beatles
Clare pushes pause on the approaching nervous breakdown and decides to talk things out with a raccoon. I know that sentence doesn’t make sense, but this is Bachelor in Paradise, so you’re just supposed to go with it. She has pulls a “Major Mesnick” with Graham and instead takes Robert on the one-on-one date she literally dreamed about. You can tell she’s not into him. Especially since he’s covered with ant bites.
“Where Do Broken Hearts Go” — Whitney Houston
Poor Robert is blinded by love for Big Boob Lacy. And why shouldn’t he be? He was the first she straddled in the ocean. That has to mean something. And he didn’t once make fun of her hair during their one-on-one date. If you listened closely, you could hear his heart shatter when Marcus jock blocked him and gave his rose to Lacy before he had the chance.
“My Humps” — Black Eyed Peas
Lacy reminds us SEVERAL times that she will NOT be cut the first week as she was during Juan Pablo’s season. How will the world get to know her and her boobs? Within 12 hours, she has ocean straddled Marcus and Robert. You can tell she’s in to Marcus, but she wants to keep Robert on a tight leash. When he returns from his date with Clare, Robert notices that Lacy looks sad, so he rushes to console her. Her sob story is epic. It’s hard being Lacy and her boobs. She’s so upset that she asks him to go with her to get some fresh air.
Sure. Let’s walk around to this side of the tree house. Which as you know is outside. In the fresh air. I’m 80/40 percent that’s accurate.
“The Girl Is Mine” – Michael Jackson
Marcus may not be over Andi, but he’s willing to get under Lacy. So he presents himself. Like a peacock or a baboon. By doing this:
There was a big debate whether this was tragic swimwear or deplorable underwear. We landed somewhere between vulgar and bless his heart.
Lacy joins Marcus five seconds later. Dylan life coaches him through the rose ceremony process, instructing him to follow his heart. Who cares that he promised Sarah a rose just because Robert is going to hand his to Lacy? Marcus agrees, goes rogue and asks Big Boobs to accept his bud.
“Friends Are Friends Forever” – Michael W. Smith
Sarah was insecure the entire night, but things looked brighter when she got a date card. She asked Marcus to go with her to an underwater cave. Oddly, they had to strip off their clothes before heading down the tunnel, and when they got to the oasis, they had to jump off of a platform into some creepy, sea creature infested, who knows how deep water. They pretended to be scared, held hands and jumped together. Then they went up to do it again and that’s when Sarah, bold as brass, asked Marcus to kiss her.
My watching party had several visceral reactions. Ann muttered “no no no” over and over again under her breath. Lara shouted “NO NO NO” over and over again at the television. Emily was literally in the fetal position and I abandoned the couch cushion and left the room. It was painfully uncomfortable to witness.
She further seduces him with her awkwardness by telling Marcus she only wants his rose if he wants to explore where this relationship is going. STOP TALKING NOW SARAH. Marcus wisely tells her that he’s totally into Lacy and her boobs, but if Robert gives Lacy his rose, he’ll give Sarah his. But she needs to know that it’s a friendship rose and she should NOT hang it upside down to dry so she can make scrapbook potpourri later.
“Red” – Taylor Swift
Even though Ben was cast as the villain, he was pretty quiet this episode. Ironically, his red rose ceremony pedal pushers were extremely loud. Ames would not be proud. Ben felt extreme power holding the last rose of the night. Since Marcus gave his rose to Big Boobs, Ben must choose between Sarah and Danielle. He gives it to Sarah.
“Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone” — Cinderella
I will miss Daniella. She treated the tree house like a sorority rush party, asking everyone “where are you from?” Except she wasn’t talking about geography. She meant which season. And she had a handful of awesome one-liners that had me laughing out loud instead of cringing behind my computer monitor. The bright side is now we won’t get her confused with Elise.
“Crazy Girl” – Eli Young Band
Crazy Michelle never spoke to anyone. She dramatically took herself out of the running at the beginning of the rose ceremony and hinted that there might be a Mr. Crazy already in the picture. Based on scenes from next week, we know this to be true since her production assistant lover boy chooses to hop out of the top of the tree house, breaking both legs, instead of facing Our Host Chris Harrison.
My fingers crossed that Harrison gets his own Tubbs next week.
Two girls have left the tree house. Next week, more contestants arrive and the GIRLS will hold all the power. I can’t watch this business alone. You have to stick this out with me.
Think about it while enjoying this playlist!
All about the fame, not the shame,