Bachelor in Paradise recap: Always a bridesmaid

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Episode 2

I have a bone to pick with the peeps in the editing booth. Why promo a Chad freak out and then not deliver? I distinctly remember a Hulk-like version of Chad wreaking havoc in the tree house before stumbling off the island. I haven’t been this disappointed since JoJo’s brothers were normal. What gives?

Sure Chad was angry when he got the boot from Our Host Chris Harrison. Not angry enough to forget to grab an emergency ration of thinly sliced turkey, but angry all the same. On a scale from 1 to “eff off” he instructs Harrison to EFF OFF. Our Host watches as Chad tromps through foliage, tropical flowers and caged birds before calmly asking, “Where are you going?”

He’s going to Tijuana. Or home. Whichever comes first. Bless him.

The others raise a glass and toast their mimosas, celebrating the fact that The Chad is no longer going to threaten to murder their families on an hourly basis. Carly checks her abacus and quickly realizes that Chad’s sudden departure puts even more girls at risk since the boys are wielding roses this week. She makes the camera promise that there will be no other women arriving in Paradise since the odds are not in their favor.

Enter Leah.

You remember Leah, right? Yeah. It’s going to take you a minute to pin this one down. She’s from Peter Brady’s season. To quote the twins, “She’s the lying BLEEP.” Need more context? Here’s an excerpt from my recap:

Leah makes the decision to out-Olivia with her illusions of grandeur. She informs Ben that Lauren B. is basically not here for the right reasons (right reasons). In one afternoon, she becomes fluent in the language of BS and starts flinging it everywhere. The producers rush to grab Lauren B. so she can interrupt Leah before her nose grows even longer.

Ben immediately tells Lauren B. that someone on the date told him that she’s not the same in front of him as she is in front of the other girls in the house. Lauren is crestfallen and heads to the other girls to cry it out. Leah walks in and innocently asks what is up with Lauren B’s tears? Lauren fills her in. Leah’s responds without a beat, “I didn’t say anything.”

She knows that a camera is on her, right?

Psssst, Leah. WE CAN BOTH SEE AND HEAR YOU. You do not have the power of invisibility.

Leah makes her way over to the general vicinity of the party and the twins go nuts. It appears Leah had a little work done upstairs and also made the executive decision to hooch up her wardrobe. Leah’s black, lacy cold shoulder do nothing to distract everyone from her lips. Home girl hit the collagen and she hit it H-A-R-D.

The twins greet Leah with an “OMG YOU LOOK SOOOO CUTE!” Leah loves the praise. She holds a date card in her hand and is ready to paint the town protein with Chad. Where is he?

Damn Daniel: Gone.
Vinny: Outta here.
Lincee: Probably a Mexican jail by now.
Twins: He’s, like, gone gone. Off the island.

Leah’s shoulders fall, but her face remains upbeat. Thank you Botox. She was really looking forward to taming The Chad. Lace gives her a knowing look before heading to the bar. Leah flaunts her date card, the first one she’s ever had, and invites Nick to chat. This makes all the blondes nervous. As she makes the rounds with each dude, the tension rises.

Nick returns from his time with Leah. Amanda is pumped that she didn’t ask him out on her date. The twins are excited too. One bends over in front of Nick so he can see her scoliosis hump. Then she invites him to touch it.

Meanwhile, Lace drowns her sorrows with a few morning tequila shots. Jorge listens intently as she laments about her inability to find someone who will just give her his rose already. She shouts for Vinny to join her and he assures her that “embarking on her strong relationship with Grant” is just what the doctor ordered after Hurricane Chad.

Lace wants Vinny to pass Grant a note a gym class. He does and Grant rolls his eyes, choosing the mature route of having a conversation with the crazy girl instead of using Vinny has the Pony Express. He reminds her that her connection with Chad was pretty physical and just ended 12 hours ago. She reminds him that she doesn’t remember the blurry events from the night before. She’s vibing on him and that’s all that matters.

While Grant decides to check yes or no, Leah drops the first bomb of the season by asking Nick out on a date. Nick seems ambivalent but he escorts Leah to the Festival de Margaritas anyway. They drink, shop, eat grasshoppers and bask in each other’s wonder. Leah tells the camera that she could do laundry on Nick’s abs (#truth) and compares him to a sexy lumberjack.

Interesting. I had no idea Paul Bunyan wore skinny jeans and loafers with his buffalo check flannel.

The ABC Intern positions them in the water at dusk. Leah is light hearted and flirty. She gives Nick every shade of green light imaginable. They share smooches at sunset.

When they return, Mike Fleiss mixes it up by immediately delivering a date card to NICK. There are no rules in Paradise. The date starts now.

Nick plays it cool. He makes an impromptu speech about how this experience is all about getting to know different people. He smiles, turns his head and asks Amanda out on the date. She agrees. He heads to the tree house to wash the Leah off before heading back on the town.

Leah searches for a bunny to boil, and when she can’t find one, she decides the next best plan of sabotage is to freak Amanda out by getting in her head:

Leah: We have the exact…same…bronzer.
Amanda: That’s nice.
Leah: And the exact same color palette.
Amanda: So you also use the self tanner that came in our goodie bag?
Leah: STOP TRYING TO BE ME!

Nick and Amanda have some dinner and talk about life and love. I’m distracted by Amanda’s creative romper/apron hybrid dress. It’s strappy as well as cold-shouldered and short. Nick seems to like it. Our metro lumberjack leans in for a sultry kiss by the fire and all is right with the world.

All is not right in Sarah’s world. She has yet to find a boyfriend and therefore must connect with someone who is already in a pseudo relationship. She picks Vinny and they hit it off with real talk and innocent knee touching. Izzy is on high alert. Her tongue was just down Vinny’s throat. How can this be?

Speaking of unimaginable circumstances, Carly chooses E.D. to be her safety rose even though she tells the camera that she wants someone who is super masculine. Ironically, that’s the exact moment when E.D. leans into the crook of her neck to snuggle. Carly knows that this is her only option, so she kisses E.D. to seal the rose deal. We all sort of wrinkle our noses and then laugh when the BIP production team adds fake fireworks and a slo-mo package of the kiss. No one wants to see that again.

Carly goes to bed. A stationary camera catches E.D. tweaking his own nipple as he daydreams about what just happened.

Jim Halpert

Everyone calm down. This is Paradise, people. Deal with it.

Lace and Grant take a walk on a beach to talk about their feelings. ABC has to digitally paint a swimsuit on Lace’s bottom. Who does she think she is? Kerri Walsh Jennings or the Italian synchronized diving team? This is a family show. If you want to see bare butts, turn on NBC. Geez.

Lace thinks that Grant has a banging body. Plus, he’s a fireman. And he’s sort of sweet. This is all the information she needs to sleep with him. Always a lady, Lace puts a beach towel in front of the stationary camera in Grant’s room. Mike Fleiss gives us a few canned shots of crabs humping before turning up the volume in Grant’s room. We may not be able to see things, but by golly we can hear things. Then he sends the ABC Intern in on his belly like a snake to carefully pull the towel down. We see a little bit before ABC cuts to commercial.

A Hep C commercial to be exact. #irony

The girls primp for the rose ceremony. Everyone is properly coiffed and spritzed when Harrison enters the tree house living room, looking dapper. There will be a quick cocktail party before roses are handed out. Make this time count.

Sarah decides to be bold. She asks Vinny to join her on the beach bed. She compliments him and tells him he’s totally awesome. Then he kisses her. Izzy steals Vinny away. She asks him if she’s going to get his rose. Vinny chugs some Caribbean rum and makes out with Izzy in the same bed he just kissed Sarah. Playas gotta play.

Leah gives it another go with Nick. How he can have a conversation with her without staring at the necklace that went around her boobs is beyond me. She barks at him to LOOK AT HER when she speaks before reminding him that she chose him to be her date.

Funny. I could have sworn you chose Chad and Nick was a default. Also, are those chains literally going around the circumference of your boobs? Is it like a chain bra?

Nick takes a blunt approach.

Nick: I had a great time with Amanda.
Leah: But what about my boob chain?
Nick: It’s nice. But I’m choosing Amanda.
Leah: I think my bright lipstick would look good smudged on your neck.
Nick: I’m sure it would. I’m giving my rose to Amanda.
Leah: So, I’ll see you out there?

Leah moves on to Damn Daniel. He promises that if he gets a date card, he’ll ask her out. Because he likes that she’s weird. And that she had a thing for his bro Chad.

Damn Daniel loves his role as the wild card. He gets to speed date with all of the discards and have his pick of the pigeons as he calls them. Of course, if he’s going to bang someone, it would be Twin.

ROSE CEREMONY

Grant gives his rose to Lace. Nick gives his to Amanda. E.D. caresses his rose and gives it to Carly who manages to refrain from puking right there on the spot. Jared gives his rose to Twin. Vinny dashes Sarah’s dreams when he gives his rose to Izzy and Damn Daniel revives those same dreams when he gives his rose to Sarah.

Leah and Jubilee must say their goodbyes. Jubilee is noticeably upset. Leah is noticeably irate. She can’t remember the last time she was so embarrassed in her entire life.

I’d personally go with the time she wore a boob necklace on national TV, but that’s just me.

The next morning, Josh, the “winner” from Andi’s season, arrives with the smug confidence of someone who is happy their 15 minutes of fame has been extended to the length of an indie film. He’s slimmed up since we last saw him wooing Andi and he has a date card in his hands.

Nick is immediately on edge. As you may recall, Nick was a runner-up to Josh. Although he claims they have nothing in common, Andi and her tell-all book would beg to differ. Nick is hoping history doesn’t repeat itself, but when Mike Fleiss is in the mix, you can bet it most certainly will.

Josh asks Amanda out on a date and she says yes. While floating around on a catamaran, Amanda politely asks Josh about his broken engagement. He wonders if Amanda has read the slanderous book (or any tabloid magazine) and builds a thick defense based on the foundation of “you have to be bigger than the lies.”

I agree. Lying is no bueno. That’s why I wish Carly would just be honest with E.D. by telling him that she is not interested in him, even if that means she’s going to get kicked off the island. Instead, she agrees to go on a date with him — a date that will go down in the history of the franchise as one of the most awkward moments in Bachelor history.

Harrison gathers a few locals and a spare Guinness World Record officiant to convince Carly and E.D. to take the habanero challenge. It’s simple, really. All they have to do is chew on this very hot pepper for 30 seconds and then kiss for 90. Carly considers this a “crap date.” I thought she was being harsh, until I witnessed all the coughing and sweating that led up to the actual lip lock. For heaven’s sake, STOP TOUCHING YOUR EYES.

Carly and E.D.’s kiss is about as elementary school playground as they come. When they part, a string of spit from his lips to hers actually mocks them. I heard it. It took the spit string longer to break than it did the actual record. Congratulations, kids!

Over in Paradise, Twin and Jared have a compelling conversation about favorite colors, favorite numbers and an infinity for laser tag. Although riveting, Twin couldn’t figure out how to get Jared to make out with her. She tried turning toward him on the beach bed. She tried faking a bug attack. She tried swinging her leg over his midriff so her knee was resting against his crotch. Nothing. All of her signature moves were brutally rebuffed. Finally, Jared throws her a bone and gives her a little kiss. We don’t know if he got to touch her scoliosis hump, but I’d say the chances were high.

Suddenly Josh and Amanda return and Twin is eager to get the deets. Josh and Nick are left alone. Nick gives Josh the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Josh didn’t know that he had just given his rose to Amanda?

That would be a negative. Josh did know. He also didn’t care. Nick laughs at Josh for being so unapologetic. Josh counters by making out with Amanda in front of everyone. Josh is definitely being the douchey one here.

JAR.

Who do you think is on the chopping block? Do you feel Jared would rather be anywhere else other than Paradise? Will Sarah give her rose back to Damn Daniel? Can someone explain the engineering of the boob necklace? Sound off in the comments!

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