Bachelor in Paradise recap: Nick who?

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Episode 3

Counting your own abs can be complicated. Just ask Damn Daniel. Watching your arch nemesis swoop in with his megawatt smile and bronzed pectorals can be complicated too. Especially when he is frenching your girl all the livelong day. Just ask poor Nick.

Nick: It’s like we never went out. I’m surprised how they chose to approach announcing their relationship. Josh has been enjoying a steady diet of Amanda’s tongue.

Damn Daniel wants Nick to confront Josh so all the “twisted” people can enjoy the awkwardness. Had Lace not been all up in Grant’s grill at the time, I’m sure she would have high fived that suggestion.

When Nick refuses to pee on Amanda, Damn Daniel moves on to bigger and better things: Sarah. His pompous attitude intrigues her. He actually gets her to laugh when he proclaims that she will one day enjoy the title of being his woman. Damn Daniel explains that you have to be unique and special to understand him.

Unique and special is right.

Feeling that a solid foundation of self-confidence and pretentiousness has been established, Damn Daniel announces that no one will get in his way when it comes to Sarah.

Producers: SEND IN CHRISTIAN!

Sweet baby face Christian (from JoJo’s season) bounces down the stairs, bro hugs Vinny and Grant and calls a man meeting over on the beach bed. He has a date card to use, but he needs to gather some intel first. He wants to know if anyone has bunnied up with a partner yet? Nick and Damn Daniel are quick to sing the praises of all the lovelies, but it’s Josh who warns Christian that he and Amanda “have a good connection” and that “she’s not going anywhere.” Nick’s mouth literally drops open.

Christian understands. Josh + Amanda = TV Love. All Other Blondes + Christian = Fair Game.

Smiley Christian chooses Sarah to join him on his date. Damn Daniel takes to the sea to work out his feelings. And also to work out.

The next day, Carly decides that the mature thing to do is to tell E.D. that she just wants to be friends. She gathers the blondes together for moral support and reminds them how creepy it was when he groped her during the Guinness World Record date. She also reminds them how she puked and he still went in for a kiss. Carly receives an appropriate amount of, “SICK!” and “NO WAY!” to determine that her feelings are justified.

E.D., on the other hand, paints a beautiful picture for Vinny. He is stoked that he broke the record with the love of his life. Plus, he has the plaque to prove it. So cool. Just as he’s about to mime the actual 141-minute kiss, Carly asks if they can talk. She tells him he’s sweet, but she’s not romantically drawn to him. She just wants to be friends.

E.D. struggles with this news. I find it hard to believe that he’s never been thrust into the Friend Zone before, not to mention the fact that I have milk in the refrigerator that is older than his relationship with Carly. He lays down on his bed. There’s no nipple twisting going on today. He’s forlorn and wallowing in the fact that he will never find love. PS: He’s probably going home.

Across the island, Sarah is having fun with Christian. I believe we experience the franchise’s first jump and straddle (trademark pending) on a zip line! It truly is a historic season. Christian finds Sarah’s confidence sexy. I would have to agree. The girl with one arm zip lined and repelled down a cliff like a boss. Christian tries to make out with her a couple of times, but Sarah only gives him short pecks. This puzzled me. Is Sarah not feeling it with Christian?

Speaking of feelings, I had all sorts when a dude by the name of Brandon saunters up to Harrison with the swagger of a poor man’s Harrison. Our Host doesn’t know who he is and the cast thinks he’s someone from the crew.

This calls for a search from the IHGB archives! Here’s what I learned:

He’s awkward.

Meanwhile, Brandon convinces Des that he will hug her, squeeze her and call her George. He admits that he is head over heels in love and then pulls her in for an awkward kiss. She’s stunned. He’s confident.

He starred in the “Right Reasons” video with Des.

Let’s call a spade a spade, people. The group date was horrific. Absolutely horrific. My secret hope is that the entire hot mess was the brainchild of Chris Harrison. I like to think that he was sitting around at the last rose ceremony, Tweeting to his heart’s content, when an executive producer approached him, asking if he had any ideas for the first group date.

Harrison: Easy. Invite 14 guys to forgo their hair products, put them in embarrassing outfits that we promise are legit gangsta attire but are secretly cast off costumes from Magic Mike, and make them rap about the most ludicrous past contestants on the show. Off the top of my head, I’d recommend a d-bag country singer, the chach who tattooed his arm, the wrestler and Mesnick because there are balconies everywhere.

Executive: But none of us know how to rap.

Harrison: I have Soulja on speed dial. I can have him here in 24 hours. He owes me.

Soulja and Des greet the entourage in front of a mansion and tell them that they will be making a rap video. This seems to excite everyone. Soulja mentors four guys (Brandon, Ben, Michael and Mikey T) to be featured lyricists while the others attempt to hip hop in the background. Per Harrison’s suggestion, all are dressed in items found in the local community theater costume closet.

All learn the lyrics to a song called “Here for the Right Reasons” as Des raps in her bikini. Brandon uses the phrase “jiggle my junk” as ABC politely covers his nether regions with a modesty black box.

He mixes metaphors.

Later, pantless Brandon tells the camera that love is a butterfly. Again, my brain is distracted thinking about how Pat Benetar had it all wrong all these years. We are young. Heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demand. Love is a butterfly.

Carly fluffs her eyelashes and adjusts her chakra necklace. She’s totally vibing Brandon even though she’s never seen him before. When he announces that he was on Des’ season, Carly jumps at her fortunate luck — her brother was on Des’ season! She turns on the charm during her alone time, but it isn’t enough. He asks Twin to join him on his date.

Other Twin is super happy for Twin’s good fortune. So happy, in fact, that she gets drunk off of half a beer and cries until Amanda braids her hair like a child. She isn’t the only one crying. Nick has to hold in all the feels. Everywhere he turns, he seems to have a front row seat of Josh and Amanda making out. They manage to hold glasses of alcohol and remain horizontal while they suck face in every shot. Should I be horrified or impressed?

And why do they get all the couples together on the beach bed for a single shot of synchronized snogging? Put the dudes in acid-washed Z Cavariccis, the girls in navy units with red Keds, pump in a cloud of Liz Claiborne, Drakkar Noir and Aquanet, play a little Boyz II Men through some subwoofers and set the entire thing in my friend Julie’s rec room and you have a scene from a high school party I wasn’t invited to but totally heard about circa 1990.

Disclaimer: I went back and forth between Drakkar Noir and Cool Water. Did I make the right decision?

Damn Daniel steals Sarah away for some alone time on another beach bed down the way. The ABC Intern whips up some chocolate covered strawberries for this special event. Sarah thinks this is a thoughtful gesture, but she wants to make sure there’s more to Damn Daniel than his goofy side. Can he be serious?

Damn Daniel talks about respect and how he feels good when he’s with her because she sees him for who he is. Sarah loves that he’s pulling back his layers. She feels giddy. She follows that revelation up with, “This is weird.” Damn Daniel tells her that she’s the best girl on the island and will protect her from the Zika virus any way he can. My guess is that he would cover her in maple syrup. Sarah admits that she had fun with Christian, but she often thought that if she had come on the date with Damn Daniel, she would have REALLY had fun.

What the what?

Over in the tree house, Brandon walks up to the twins and greets them with the safe, “Hey Beautiful,” while looking in their general direction. Twin stands up in an emerald green cold shoulder romper. My distain for this particular piece of clothing is weakening. Dare I say I’ve become desensitized because the cold shoulder romper is so prevalent?

The twins decide to Parent Trap Brandon. As you may recall, Twins believe that if you can’t tell them apart, you will not be allowed to get together with them (yeah, yeah, yeah.) Twin eats dinner with Brandon and then excuses herself to go to the bathroom where she switches clothing with Other Twin. For a hot second, I thought Brandon would be able to tell them apart. I was wrong.

Brandon holds Other Twin’s hands in a death grip, viciously flirting with the idea of making out. Other Twin does a good job of creating an awkward atmosphere. She explains that she is a slower mover and likes kisses on the cheek. Twin watches from behind a bush. Will Brandon pass the test?

Then there’s E.D. Bless him. Home boy has pined enough over Carly. It’s time to go big or go home. E.D. pens an original date card to Amanda and when he reaches the “you deserve love” part of the sentence, a surge of ignorance confidence pulses through his body. True love is worth taking a risk. Even if it means Josh will punch you in the sternum for literally clearing your throat, forcing him to part lips from his woman during a heated make out sesh.

Thank goodness neither spilled their cocktails.

Photo By: ABC.com

Comments

98 Comments on "Bachelor in Paradise recap: Nick who?"

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Maddison

Great recap! Personally I would have gone with Cool Water but it was a hard call. Oh, oh Evan…why you so weird? WHY? Everything about him makes me uncomfortable. And Brandon might be the most boring person ever.

NicoleinWI
NicoleinWI

This show is just such a hot mess and crazy editing. No Chad comeback? Vicious lies. Did anyone make it through the After show. I could only had 10 minutes before I was out.

Kay
Kay

I actually thought Sean and Michelle did a better job. Chris Harrison seemed kinda bored last season. Hopefully he’s enjoying the break.

Norma
Norma

This…Put the dudes in acid-washed Z Cavariccis, the girls in navy units with red Keds, pump in a cloud of Liz Claiborne, Drakkar Noir and Aquanet, play a little Boyz II Men…GOLDEN!!!!

I actually had a Navy Units jumpsuit and wore it back in the day!!! And I have to go wih the Drakkar Noir over Cool Water, but that’ just me.

Brandon. Dull as dishwater and no points for him. He was unable to tell Twin apart from “Twin Repeat”.

Evan. Dear Evan. It’s time to pack your bags and go home. Take Josh with you.

Christian and Sarah. I liked their date and I want her to give him the rose.

LOVED the recap as always!

alyce
alyce

Drakkar Noir was the correct decision.

I haven’t watched yet. Am a little bit afraid to.

Julie
Julie

“Disclaimer: I went back and forth between Drakkar Noir and Cool Water. Did I make the right decision?” YES. You absolutely did! I would recognize that smell anywhere. Every now and then, I will walk into an empty stairwell or elevator and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone wearing Drakkar Noir had recently been there. Apparently people still buy it! I’m always curious to know who… Is it people our age who are stuck in the 90s?? Or is there a new Drakkar Noir generation?

Diane
Diane

I bought my husband Drakkar Noir not that long ago – so i think it is people who are stuck in the 80s/90s.

white
white

my hubby alterantes between Lagerfeld and Kourous and yes its for those of us reliving highschool first loves…

Patrick
Patrick

Yankee Candle actually makes a scent called Midsummers Night that smells just like Drakkar Noir. And, they also make air fresheners with the same scent that I just happen to use in my car! I’m able to experience that delightfully nostalgic scent, without shaming myself by wearing the cologne (all Acqua di Gio these days!)

Kelli
Kelli

“Josh has been enjoying a steady diet of Amanda’s tongue.” It’s like Nick reads IHGB!! But seriously, Amanda and Josh were gross. I’m hoping that it is editing that shows them constantly sucking face.

Did anyone else hear Sara call Damn Daniel, “Damn Daniel”. I laughed so hard, I scared the dogs. She must read IHGB too.

The synchronized make out session was cringe worthy to me. I hope it doesn’t become an Olympic sport. Poor ED, but props for forging his own date card. We all knew he had it in him (refer to the stand up routine on Bachelorette). I can’t wait to see what happens.

Ashley K
Ashley K

I heard it and cracked up as well! I hope she continues to call him “Damn Daniel”, then we will know for sure!

islandchic
islandchic

I heard it too and thought that she must read IHGB.

Drakkar Noir was the better choice.

Great job as always Lincee, you had me chuckling at my desk, when I should be working. I sooo look froward t your recaps, I check for it every hr on the hr when I arrive at work, sshhhh!!!, and was happy for the early re-cap.

abby
abby

while i would love nothing more than knowing the contestants read IHGB, i have to wonder if sarah is calling him that because HE made it his intro line in jojo’s season…he probably has just earned that nickname around the bach community. also, i could have SWORN the card was written to himself as some sort of pump-himself-up motivational thing. i may not have been paying enough attention, but i thought he just weirdly wrote a motivational note to himself rather than making a date card…???

Kelli
Kelli

He wrote a second one and put it in an envelope like they deliver the date card in and was walking up to Josh and Amanda with it.

Jenna Bean
Jenna Bean

Yep, totally caught that too!

Julie
Julie

I thought the same thing. She must read this blog!!!

Ashley K
Ashley K

Is there anything real behind Damn Daniel’s affection for Sarah? I’m so nervous he’s just going to crush her little heart! He seems so shallow in his interviews but perhaps underneath all those layers of onion he actually does have a heart?

Stacy
Stacy

I don’t like the two of them together and I think she’s smarter than to reeally fall for a pod person. She’s entertaining herself while waiting for someone else to appear. Unfortunately Damn Daniel is too dumb to see it and will cry tears like ED did when she gives the rose to someone else.

Carol S.
Carol S.

But he’s not a good kisser…sooooo….sorry Daniel, very cute and funny, just not sure long for the count unless he gets better with his moves.

Kay
Kay

I think Daniel and Sarah are cute together, but ever since BIP Season 1 I think I’ll always be #TeamSarahandBrooks #ScrewYouRobertYouRuinedEverything 😛

Jill
Jill

I feel like Carly is a pawn of the director and not genuine. She was never into Evan and led him on. She just is sad to me. I feel what she did to Evan was on the same level as Chad. She is being deceitful all to humiliate Evan. (He doesn’t need help in that department!)
And…PUH-LEZE…NO ONE GIVE CHAD HIS OWN SHOW!!!!

Jennifer
Jennifer

Disclaimer: I went back and forth between Drakkar Noir and Cool Water. Did I make the right decision?

You most certainly did! The guy I was seeing in college in 1990 wore that….. heavily !!

I thought Amanda and Josh were seriously going to have sex right there on that bed on the beach. OMG! Get a room !!

Natkaps
Natkaps

Ewwww, and Josh is always moaning when he kisses. I almost barfed. Dude his skanky as hell too. I don’t see the attraction. He seems so disingenuous to me. Probably trying to do damage control because of Andy’s book.

Leeanne
Leeanne

AGREE!!

abby
abby

did anyone watch after paradise? (a) I’M GOING TO NEED CHRIS HARRISON TO BE THE HOST OF THIS SHOW! (nothing wrong with sean and michelle–i actually thought they did a great job–but we NEED chris harrison on anything bach-related); (b) HOW AWKWARD WAS EVERYTHING ON THAT SHOW??? oh my gosh, i wanted to die. at all of it. all of the confrontations. all of the talking about a person like htey weren’t sitting right there. i don’t know if i can take another dose of awkwardness at that level next week…

Jill

Yes and I completely agree with the awkwardness. Ick. I was squirming the whole time. And I know everyone loves Sean but I never have seen the attraction with him and why does he have to be on EVERY Bachelor-related show, ever??? You have a baby now, go home!!!

Holly
Holly

I cant stand watching Sean ever since I saw him on Celebrity Wife Swap! Hes a total weirdo!

Jenna Bean
Jenna Bean

Oh man, this is CLASSIC —

And why do they get all the couples together on the beach bed for a single shot of synchronized snogging? Put the dudes in acid-washed Z Cavariccis, the girls in navy units with red Keds, pump in a cloud of Liz Claiborne, Drakkar Noir and Aquanet, play a little Boyz II Men through some subwoofers and set the entire thing in my friend Julie’s rec room and you have a seen from a high school party I wasn’t invited to but totally heard about circa 1990.

Knocked it out of the park, once again!

Jen

“Put the dudes in acid-washed Z Cavariccis, the girls in navy units with red Keds, pump in a cloud of Liz Claiborne, Drakkar Noir and Aquanet, play a little Boyz II Men through some subwoofers and set the entire thing in my friend Julie’s rec room and you have a seen from a high school party I wasn’t invited to but totally heard about circa 1990.” – I cracked up at this SO MUCH…mostly because I related on the “wasn’t invited but totally heard about” it level.

PS – does Evan really think that Amanda is going to give him the time of day? This can only end badly. Is the result of his asking her out what ends up putting him in the ambulance that we’ve seen in the previews?

Okay, one more thing. If I have to see another preview that includes a needle being stuck into someone’s arm…well, I’ll still watch. But ew.

Alicia
Alicia

I love Sarah. She is level headed and normal – but she is a terrible kisser. This is the way she kissed Sean….she pecks and pulls back. And, this is the way she kissed (insert name, Robert, I think) last year…it’s almost like a peck bite…..very 8th grade. This is the way she kissed Vinney the other night…and could be the reason he chose Izzy. AND…this is the way she kissed Christian. Sweet Sarah needs a long make-out session.

Eh?
Eh?

Josh needs to show her how to suck face. (I hope Amanda doesn’t ever let her kids watch, and what kind of way is that to get to know someone?)

Robert

Good point…I thought Amanda had more class then that…I’m all about making out etc. In private that is…

Tasha

Thank you! I thought the exact same thing. Seems like you’d up your game if you are going to make out with people on tv.

Leeanne
Leeanne

Josh is such a turn off. He grunts/groans and really does not seem sincere. Watch out Amanda 🙁

Michelle
Michelle

Ahhh Alicia, my thoughts exactly!! Checking out BIP blogs just to see if someone else had picked that up! Right from Sean’s season I knew it was the kissing that was letting Sarah down… Enjoying this blog though, so glad others were grossed out by Josh’s creepy moans while kissing too!

Millie
Millie

Man, I just love your recaps, Lincee!! I love that we see much more of OHCH during BIP. Makes it that much better. So I’m a Reality Steve fan and while Josh is grossing me out, my guess is it’s all editing. Don’t know why I feel the need to defend him. Prob bc I think Amanda is adorable and don’t like how she’s being portrayed. Anyway, he prob moaned a couple times and they just keep replaying the sound bites. I also think they didn’t make out as much as they are wanting us to think. And this whole Nick vs Josh Pt II thing? Nick didn’t even really care about Amanda. They’re making the whole thing out to be more than it really was (Nick was actually waiting for someone else to come, which he told Amanda before giving her the rose). Why? Per Josh’s mom, for ratings and “the most dramatic season yet.”

Jen
Jen

Love the Friends references! This season makes me sad, like ABC is going to a whole new level of manipulating ‘relationships’ and producing borderline porn.

Wen
Wen

I totally agree! Lots of manufactured stuff. Why do that when the unlimited alcohol and lots of pretty people wearing next to nothing already works?

Lyn
Lyn

I would go with Drakkar Noir because I can still immediately remember the smell that many years later. Christian is intense, a bit too clingy. Damn Daniel, while not the sharpest knife, is proving himself to be far more interesting than Jared. The dude loves a good (and bad) analogy. Honestly, I would hang out on bed eating strawberries with Daniel over Jared any day. My favorite number is 11, by the way.

Oh, another Junior Varsity player… Evan would have my attention in Paradise. He needs a makeover but he’s sweet. That date was horrible, but it would be for nearly everyone.

Carly is my girl! We need a Bachelorette like Carly/Amy Schumer/Tina Fey. Hilarious, not a pocket person and super awesome.

Natkaps
Natkaps

Not to mention that Carly stopped over-plucking her eyebrows, so more points for her!

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