Bachelor in Paradise recap: Dolla, dolla bills y’all

Bachelor in Paradise Recap Season 3, Episode 1:

The thing I admire about Bachelor in Paradise is that it knows it’s a hot, sticky, bathe-in-antibacterial-soap mess. Here in Paradise, no one bothers to differentiate between The Twins, you find yourself agreeing and rooting for Nick Viall, Jorge makes sure the drinks flow freely and The Chad is kicked out by My Hero Chris Harrison the day after he arrives.

Clearly, these all the ingredients you need to find love. Just ask Jade and Tanner who, in case you forgot so they reminded us 17 times, are now a married couple as a result of this crazy social experiment.

Love is in the air. So is the faint smell of deli meat. Welcome to Paradise!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I absolutely adore the opening montage with a ‘70s TV show vibe. It’s a little discerning that Michelle Money is nowhere to be found, but I have high hopes that she’ll turn up later in the season. At least we have Carly to act as the matriarch and resident one-liner.

Our Host Chris Harrison rocks a linen navy shirt like a boss. He smells of coconut oil, coconut rum and confidence. He makes me want to see a man about a boat. One-by-one, he introduces b-roll packages of a few islanders who have made the trip to hook-up with fellow Bachelor franchise alumni.

We learn that if you truly love The Twins from Peter Brady’s season, you’ll be able to tell them apart. It’s a good thing they packed the ABC black modesty box with them. I have a feeling that graphic is going to come in handy on multiple occasions this year.

Nick, our resident runner-up from both Andi and Kaitlyn’s seasons, has never been able to make it to Bachelor in Paradise, because he’s usually nursing wounds back in the Men Tell All studio when this thing is actually taping. He’s really into working out and is ready to meet someone who makes him a better version of himself. He thinks that person is Jubilee.

Jubilee is the military chick from Peter Brady’s season. After watching herself, she admits that she had a severe case of “resting b*tch face” and is working on a smile that’s between RBF and pageant girl. She’s looking forward to meeting Jared. Like every other girl there.

Lace, also from Peter’s season, wants you to know that she is NOT crazy. She is super thankful for her new perspective on life and her hair extensions, just like Damn Daniel is super thankful for his maple leaf Canadian-inspired banana hammock which apparently comes with its own spotlight. He’s ready to be a pterodactyl because they are one step above eagles. Don’t ask.

Remember Amanda from Peter Brady’s season? She was the mom who dressed her little girls in darling pink gladiator sandals on the beach? She’s the first to arrive wearing a blue cold shoulder caftan. She smiles as Nick approaches her on the beach. She thinks he’s smooth, but probably a heart breaker.

Jubilee comes down the stairs next in a romper she borrowed from JoJo. She and Amanda hug it out before Amanda introduces her to Nick. Suddenly, another figure waltzes down the stairs. Jubilee stage whispers, “It’s the penis guy! Quick! Someone go ask his name so I don’t have to call him the penis guy!” Amanda introduces herself to E.D. Evan and is happy to know she’s not the only parent in the group who left children with other responsible adults for a quick three-week romp in Paradise.

Barber Vinny and Carly are next on deck. They celebrate the fact that they both have birthdays in October. Score. I celebrate Vinny’s new hair style. Fireman Grant arrives in red board shorts and immediately ditches his shirt. All the other dudes ask him to stand over there where his abs are less distracting.

Hide your wife and belly button, because Damn Daniel, in knee-length jorts, is on the prowl. He thinks the female islanders are washed up street dogs and is disappointed with this season’s crop. The girls warn each other not to make eye contact with him or his maple leaf.

Sarah, from Sean’s season, is back in a Indian-themed toga dress. She deserves a guy just as much as the next person — who just so happens to be two people — The Twins have arrived! They participate in every Doublemint stereotype you can imagine. Damn Daniel invites the closest one down to the beach while the others watch. Damn Daniel high fives Twin when she spots a fish and Other Twin laughs. The Twins hate high fiving.

Izzy breaks the group’s concentration with her arrival. I have no idea where this woman came from. Is she a fan? Is she Jorge’s cousin? Luckily all the other Paradisers are just as confused as I am. After learning she was from Peter Brady’s season, I do a quick search. Here’s what I found from night one of Ben’s season:

Izzy
24
Graphic Designer
Branford, CT
Why you remember her: Izzy thought it would be a fun, quirky idea to wear a onesie to the cocktail party. She was wrong. She told Ben that she had to find if he was the onesie for her. She was not the onesie. Another onesie bites the dust. Bless her.
Status: No rose

Next up? Lace. The Twins are super excited to see her. She breezes in claiming that she’s not crazy and then makes poor Jorge fetch a specific brand of alcohol for her mixed drink. Grant thinks she’s loco. But also hot. I wonder which emotion will win that particular war? Jared arrives and all the girls swoon. Do you think he gets tired of the attention?

Suddenly, the earth shakes and the animals take cover in the trees and the sea. A parrot begins chirping, “He’s coming! He’s coming! He’s coming!”

The ABC Intern deserves a raise for training that bird. Truly.

Hurricane Chad lands on the beach and Damn Daniel is beside himself. Amanda is scared. Izzy thinks he’s beautiful. Nick and Jubilee are eager to see The Chad in his natural environment. Surely he’s not as jack waggony as ABC portrayed him on TV, right?

Chad heads to the bar to make friends with Jorge. Then he apologizes to E.D. Evan for being a total chach. E.D. is skeptical. Did someone crunch up a happy pill in Chad’s morning protein shake?

Chad and Damn Daniel bro it out in the ocean. They tweak each other’s nipples, discuss murdering various people, talk about banging chicks and fantasize what it would be like for each to bench press a twin. Heaven help us all.

Harrison gives the cast the 4-1-1 on how Bachelor in Paradise works. They are all there to find love, just like Jade and Tanner. They will go on dates, just like the regular season. There will be a rose ceremony and the power is going to shift from the ladies to the fellas each week. If you are not in a “relationship,” you will be going home. PS: The Twins are one person for all intents and purposes. Neither seem to have a problem with this clause.

Nick delivers Jubilee the first date card while she’s primping with the blondes in their tree house. She doesn’t hesitate — she wants Jared. This makes Twin mad. Carly is concerned. She doesn’t want another Ashley I-Lashes situation. Jubilee heads down to the pool to invite Mr. Popular on a date. He agrees and manages not to blush when she offers to towel dry him off. I’m sure he gets that all the time.

Meanwhile, Lace and The Chad have officially started their mating ritual. All eyes are on the couple as they verbally abuse each other in a “playful” way. She dumps her drink on him. He does the same to her. She hits him in the chest. He shoves her under water. She calls him a BLEEP. He calls her a BLEEP. You know, healthy relationship stuff.

The blondes and Nick take a seat just behind the hot tub so they can eavesdrop. Poor Izzy and Vinny are actually IN the hot tub with our volatile characters as they make out right there in front of them. We’re talking touching distance. Why they don’t relocate is questionable. Perhaps ABC made them stay because they needed more witnesses?

The banter escalates into “a situation” before we know it they are Alpha Male-ing each other. Both want the other to come. The name calling gets aggressive. Chad thinks Lace is crazy, but he likes it. She jump and straddles him in the water (trademark pending) and they go at it again. Lace wonders if anyone can hear them. Twin reminds her that all America can hear them.

Twin for the win.

The camera cuts to Jubilee and Jared’s date. I never thought I would say this, but Jubilee wears the shortest denim panties in existence. It’s like JoJo has been wearing granny panties this entire time. These things were almost non-existent! And they were all up in her biz. She pairs the tiny piece of material with a bright yellow cold shoulder blouse. Jared looks bored.

They have dinner in a forest of piñatas. Jubs tells him that he’s super dreamy and all she’s heard from post-stalking conversations is that he’s the nicest guy in town. She likes that he’s a nerd, because she’s a nerd too. They talk about Lord of the Rings and Middle Earth before a creepy clown scares them both to death. Jubilee screams and Jared hops up to run and hide behind the former soldier.

Come on, Jared. Is that what Legolas would do? Defend your woman from the creepy clown!

Back in Paradise, we find Lace punching Chad in the nuts. Things have turned volatile. Nick and the girls watch as if this is the Real Housewives of Mexico. Lace announces that she…is…done. She wants Chad out of her face. He shoves her on his way to the bar. Damn Daniel asks his friend to take it down a notch. Would would Mussolini do? Chad grabs another cocktail and then follows Lace so they can argue some more.

Sarah steps in and releases all the feels. She calls him an aggressive drunk and demands that he stop being derogatory to women. He responds by making fun of her one arm. The watching party leaves him alone to rip up a piece of paper (I’m thinking restraining order?). E.D. Evan pokes the bear and almost gets his head knocked off.

Damn Daniel gives it another go. He encourages Chad not to tell people he’s going to murder them in their sleep. Also, maybe stop saying inappropriate things. PS: The girls hate him. He has a better chance making out with a turtle than anyone on the island. Chad swings at Daniel and he easily moves out of the way. Daniel lets us know that he would punch a friend if he had to, but it would be too easy to know Chad out now. Let him be a drunk poet. Dolla, dolla bills, y’all.

Chad passes out on the ground. He soils himself. Sebastian the Crab wanders over to make sure he’s still breathing. He wakes up the next day without any underwear on. We praise the good Lord for the black modesty box. He finds something to wear and gives a little spritz of Axe Body Spray in the downstairs region. Fresh as a daisy.

Harrison summons everyone into the living room tree house. He calls Chad out for being a jack wagon the night before. Sarah presents her defense and Chad shuts her down with the inevitable, “I was attacked. What did you expect me to do?”

Nick jumps in to offer a little advice: Threatening to murder people in their sleep isn’t funny.

HARE: In one night, you’ve turned this place from Paradise into hell. I saw what you said to Sarah and what you did to Lace. You’ve been belligerent to the staff of this hotel. It’s time to leave.
Chad: What are you talking about? I didn’t do any of that.

ROLL THE TAPE!

Harrison asks Chad to leave again. He pretends to not understand what’s going on and plays the victim. Harrison drops an “I’m dead serious” and Chad heaves himself off the couch, irritated that he’s being kicked off for a few jokes. He breaks his mic pack on the ground, removes his flip flips and has a conversation with several crabs. Then he freaks out because he knows the show is going to portray him as a villain.

Our Host just stands there, allowing this dill hole to rant. Then Chad accuses Harrison of laying around in his bathrobe, drinking mimosas a thousand miles away in a swanky hotel before screaming, “EFF YOU CHRIS HARRISON.”

Oh no you didn’t.

The screen blacks out with a “TO BE CONTINUED” slide.

Here’s hoping Harrison rips Chad a new one next week. I’d pay money to see that. Big dolla, dolla bills, y’all.

Photo By: ABC.com

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