Bachelor Peter Recap: Oh Marissa…
In my opinion, last night’s show was pretty “meh” until we got to the very end. Peter is an emotional guy and the final four is when making decisions gets rough. Especially when you think you might, maybe, be falling in love with three of the four women.
Raise your hand if you knew Kelsey was going home. I did. Why? Because one of these things is not like the other. Three petite brunettes verses one leggy blonde. Peter has a type. And that type is Madison/Hannah Ann and a mean version of the former two…named Victoria.
Home towns are weird. We have to watch random family members sit around and wait for their loved one to walk through the front door and cry as if that person has been fighting in the war for the last three years. No one eats. Few eyes roll. And fathers are forced to pretend they are okay with this nonsense on national television.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, people.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory trainer who’s obsessed with the new Little Women movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Hannah Ann’s daddy is in the lumber business, which is a super manly trade according to the former Miss Tennessee. She takes Peter to an axe throwing establishment in order to butch him up before meeting the parents. Fellow axe enthusiasts were paid hefty Starbucks gift cards to sit around in their flannel and cheer Peter on as he threw a sharp weapon toward a wooden bullseye.
Question: As someone who finds it challenging to slide into a golf cart without slamming a high ball glass into his own face, what are the chances that Pete’s hatchet is going to ricochet off the board, back into his skull? Was this the smartest choice Hannah? Perhaps he could have hammered a nail or refrained from tools all together?
Thankfully, Peter leaves the building without any facial scars, other than the one that looks like it’s about to pop open on his forehead. The Boy Who Lived sits Hannah Ann down and pulls out a piece of paper which holds the list of all the things he loves about her. He did not dot his “i” with little hearts.
Hannah Ann adores it and manages to conjure up a genuine happy emotion to mask her blank eyes and plastered smile. The fun continues at Hannah’s household until Peter has some alone time with Knoxville’s own Paul Bunyan. Hannah’s dad wants to know Peter’s intentions.
Because he’s a good communicator, Peter is able to convey that he is confident in his relationship with Hannah Ann and assures the man that he and his daughter have a legitimate connection.
Mr. Bunyan stares at Peter and asks where he is in his relationships with the other women. Peter responds by avoiding the question and instead offers that he and Hannah Ann’s relationship has climbed higher and higher each week. Plus, he’s hoping to tell her that he’s falling in love with her this trip.
That’s not exactly what Paul wanted to hear. He calmly tells Peter that he doesn’t want Peter to tell Hannah Ann that he’s falling for her unless he truly means it.
Get it Peter? DO NOT USE THE L-WORD UNLESS HANNAH ANN IS THE LONE GIRL STANDING AT THE HOME DEPOT PEDESTAL WITH AN UNCLE NEIL DIAMOND RING AND A RED ROSE.
Peter nods his head and whispers, “I hear you.” Then he goes outside to tell Hannah Ann that he’s falling in love with her. Hannah Ann kisses him to bits and returns the sentiment.
Hannah Ann: I love you!
Peter: Say it again.
Lincee: Bless it.
Hannah Ann: I love you.
Peter: Say it again.
Lincee: Where’s Voldermort when you need him?
Des Moines, Iowa
Kelsey is ready to get down and dirty on her date. She and Peter stomp grapes and make their own wine cleverly labeled, “Wine.” Peter compares this exercise to their relationship. It’s not bland. It’s sweet and sometimes bold. It’s the perfect blend that keeps you coming back. The aftertaste always leaves you wanting more.
Kelsey gives a “cheers” and I sigh for the thousandth time. Why does no one tell these fools that you don’t give a cheers? You give a toast. OH THE HUMANITY.
Peter goes fishing for compliments by asking Kelsey, “How do you feel about me?” Kelsey tells him again that she is in love with him. Once she really gets going with their future plans, Peter gives us our first clue that my girl Kels isn’t getting a rose. Instead of listening, he shuts her up with a passionate kiss.
At the house, Kelsey’s mom is all about protecting her baby girl’s heart and she is really good at reading people. This is clue number two. She could see in his face that he was not feeling her daughter.
Meanwhile, father figure Mike sits with Kelsey. She tells him that she professed her love to Peter. Mike wants to know if he reciprocated? He’s not happy when the answer is “not exactly.” Clue number three.
Peter looks as if he’s going to puke any minute. This digestive distress could be a result of many ailments. One, he’s not into Kelsey and he knows that her mom knows it. Two, he’s about to black out from his head wound oozing puss. Three, it’s really hard to keep the secret that Kelsey has been talking to her father and this makes his insides churn.
Or it could be a combination of all three.
Not everyone gets a personal message from Sir Charles Barkley on the jumbotron of the Auburn Arena, but not everyone is Madison or Madison’s dad. The head basketball coach trots onto the floor, hugs Madison, and tells Peter that her father is the greatest man in the world. Then he forces the pair to go through some basket ball drills.
Madison schools Peter. In every way. He retaliates by going full horizontal at half court and making out with her right there on the big orange and blue UA. War eagle indeed.
At Madison’s house, we learn that her father is thirty years old and had Madison when he was twelve. Madison gets the “special plate” at dinner and everyone goes around to say nice things about the nice girl. This makes her cry. Dad saves the day by asking everyone to hold hands so they can say grace before the meal.
Madi’s mom is concerned that her sweet baby hasn’t told Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Shouldn’t she have done that by now? Great question, mom. Madison’s spirit deflates when her mom claims she doesn’t know how Peter will handle the news.
Meanwhile, dad is outside trying to hold it together as a man his own age tell him that he is falling in love with his daughter. Dad contests. THIS IS TOO FAST! How does he know this is genuine? Are they compatible in their believes?
Once again, Peter is instructed not to break someone’s heart. Dad wants to know if Peter is going to pick Madison. Period.
Peter: I can tell you this — if this was the last week…
Dad: But it’s not the last week. You have other women.
Lincee: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Dad tells Madison the same thing. He wants her to know that it’s his job to protect her, but she has her own thoughts and values. She needs to make sure those align with Peter. Do they? He’s not sure.
Dad’s not ready to say that Peter is “the one,” but he won’t close the door yet out of respect for his daughter. Madison hugs him, goes to find Peter, then makes out with the communal bench that moves from place to place. He tells her with a big old grin on his face that he is falling head-over-heels in love with her. She does not say it back. The fact that neither proclaimed her true love for him, nor wrote a list of all the things she adores about him makes Peter want to curl in the fetal position.
We see Victoria frolicking in the surf, playing catch with her rented dog. How do I know the dog was a friend’s? Because when Peter shows up, she abandons the poor thing to fend for himself as she jumps and straddles her way into Peter’s arms.
They take some old-timey photos (boring) and eat ice cream on the boardwalk. Then she grabs Peter’s hand and leads him to a crowd of people who are gathered around country music artist…CHASE RICE!
Wait a minute. That was a typo. So sorry.
Then she takes Peter’s hand and leads him to a crowd of people who are gathered around country music artist…HUNTER HAYES!
Peter looks hesitant at first and I don’t blame him. Does Victoria have a special black book with all the country music artists she’s conquered in the past? Will Peter have to sit through another confession at dinner about how she used to date Hunter once upon a time? Will next week’s fantasy suite date be serenaded by Cole Swindell, who just so happens to be Victoria’s prom date last year?
Hey Victoria, if you could help me get a date with 2005 Billy Currington, I’d appreciate it. Thanks.
Victoria and Peter dance away their blues. Both jump up and down and woo the crowd of Virginia Beachers who are currently wondering, “Do I know these people?” The vibe is rocking. Hunter appears normal. Both Vicky and Pete know every word from the song “I Want Crazy.”
We call this “foreshadowing” in the literary world.
Peter and Victoria say their goodbyes, heading off in two different directions to get ready for the big night of parent meeting. A body with a blurred face calls out to Peter. He turns and shouts, “MARISSA!” Peter discovers that this ex-girlfriend of his now lives in Virginia Beach.
I’m so glad they blurred blonde-haired Marissa from Virginia’ Beach who used to date Pete’s face out. It’s good to keep people’s identities a secret.
Marissa has an ominous warning for our bachelor: “Be careful. That’s all I’ll say.”
But then she just stands there so Pete pushes a bit further. Marissa explains that she used to be friends with Victoria, but something happened and now they aren’t friends anymore. Many relationships have broken up because of her. NOW that’s all she’ll say.
Peter is shocked. That was a lot said. And the gravity of this timing couldn’t be worse. What’s he going to do?
I’ll tell you what you can do, Peter. You can be mad at the producer who went out and found Ms. Blurry Face and stuck her in an impromptu mini-concert with Hunter Hayes so she could “happen to see” her old pal Victoria the home wrecker.
Peter the Communicator decides to have a conversation with Victoria about this newfound information just moments before they walk in to meet her family. He wants to know if the accusations are true. Does she break up relationships?
Victoria is H-O-T. She immediately begins wailing about all the drama, yet she never answers the question. She blames Peter for her reaction, irritated the the would do this before her family time. Peter admits it’s not fun, but wouldn’t she rather get all this out in the open?
Victoria settles into her favorite defense, “What? What do you want me to say?”
Then she yells at Peter for “acting like that,” to which Peter gives an emphatic, “EXCUSE ME?”
She has nothing, NOTHING to say to him right now. She leaves in a huff, shouts at the cameras to stop following her, and rolls her eyes when the ABC Intern produces the document that she herself signed in blood saying anything and everything can be on film. Peter is annoyed that she’s walking away instead of having a conversation. Why can’t it just be easy?
Because you don’t want easy, Peter. You want crazy. You mouthed it yourself eight hours ago.
She eventually wanders back into her parents’ yard and listens as Peter apologizes (!) for it appearing that he attacked her with the news from Blurry Face Marissa. He validates, validates, validates as Victoria wonders out loud how they are supposed to move forward from this horrid interaction.
Peter summons his patience and reminds her again how much he cares about her. He wants to know why she keeps giving up? She wants to know why he’s so willing to stay?
He leaves. Her family comes out and they group hug right there on the front lawn.
Of course Victoria shows up the next day to apologize and assure Peter that she is hundo-P falling in love with him. Peter sort of smiles but is more interested in telling Victoria that their communication skills suck. He’s confused why everything always blows up when they are together. Victoria promises to do better. Then she tells him the ball is in his court.
She gives him one of the wallet versions of the old-timey pictures, leaves, and cries buckets of tears in the hallway. How will she ever be the next bachelorette with all this drama? How will she influence things in the future? Who will she date from the headliner list at Stagecoach this year?
For some reason, the producers place this particular rose ceremony in an airplane hangar. I guess it’s because the fantasy suites will be forgoing in Australia and that’s quite a time commitment.
Madison rocks her sequined pant suit she borrowed from Cher’s closet in 1964. Hannah Ann wears a black neglige. Kelsey teeters in a very tight green velvet number. And Victoria’s green satin is a normal knee-length. Pay no attention to the plunging neckline that looks like she’s being prepped for heart surgery.
Peter hands his first rose to Hannah Ann, then Madison. After ten seconds of silence, the third and final rose is bestowed to Victoria.
Kelsey is in shock. She is confused, but hugs Peter anyway. For the girl with all the emotions in the world, there was nary a tear that dropped in the rejection limo.
She can’t mess up her makeup. She’ll need to look her best, wounded self for when she’s considered to be the next bachelorette.