Bachelor Peter Recap: Oh Marissa…

In my opinion, last night’s show was pretty “meh” until we got to the very end. Peter is an emotional guy and the final four is when making decisions gets rough. Especially when you think you might, maybe, be falling in love with three of the four women.

Raise your hand if you knew Kelsey was going home. I did. Why? Because one of these things is not like the other. Three petite brunettes verses one leggy blonde. Peter has a type. And that type is Madison/Hannah Ann and a mean version of the former two…named Victoria. 

Home towns are weird. We have to watch random family members sit around and wait for their loved one to walk through the front door and cry as if that person has been fighting in the war for the last three years. No one eats. Few eyes roll. And fathers are forced to pretend they are okay with this nonsense on national television. 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, people. 

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory trainer who’s obsessed with the new Little Women movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people. 

Hannah Ann
Knoxville, TN

Hannah Ann’s daddy is in the lumber business, which is a super manly trade according to the former Miss Tennessee. She takes Peter to an axe throwing establishment in order to butch him up before meeting the parents. Fellow axe enthusiasts were paid hefty Starbucks gift cards to sit around in their flannel and cheer Peter on as he threw a sharp weapon toward a wooden bullseye.

Question: As someone who finds it challenging to slide into a golf cart without slamming a high ball glass into his own face, what are the chances that Pete’s hatchet is going to ricochet off the board, back into his skull? Was this the smartest choice Hannah? Perhaps he could have hammered a nail or refrained from tools all together? 

Thankfully, Peter leaves the building without any facial scars, other than the one that looks like it’s about to pop open on his forehead. The Boy Who Lived sits Hannah Ann down and pulls out a piece of paper which holds the list of all the things he loves about her. He did not dot his “i” with little hearts. 

Hannah Ann adores it and manages to conjure up a genuine happy emotion to mask her blank eyes and plastered smile. The fun continues at Hannah’s household until Peter has some alone time with Knoxville’s own Paul Bunyan. Hannah’s dad wants to know Peter’s intentions.

Because he’s a good communicator, Peter is able to convey that he is confident in his relationship with Hannah Ann and assures the man that he and his daughter have a legitimate connection. 

Mr. Bunyan stares at Peter and asks where he is in his relationships with the other women. Peter responds by avoiding the question and instead offers that he and Hannah Ann’s relationship has climbed higher and higher each week. Plus, he’s hoping to tell her that he’s falling in love with her this trip. 

That’s not exactly what Paul wanted to hear. He calmly tells Peter that he doesn’t want Peter to tell Hannah Ann that he’s falling for her unless he truly means it.

Get it Peter? DO NOT USE THE L-WORD UNLESS HANNAH ANN IS THE LONE GIRL STANDING AT THE HOME DEPOT PEDESTAL WITH AN UNCLE NEIL DIAMOND RING AND A RED ROSE.

Peter nods his head and whispers, “I hear you.” Then he goes outside to tell Hannah Ann that he’s falling in love with her. Hannah Ann kisses him to bits and returns the sentiment. 

Hannah Ann: I love you!
Peter: Say it again.
Lincee: Bless it.

Hannah Ann: I love you.
Peter: Say it again.
Lincee: Where’s Voldermort when you need him?

Kelsey
Des Moines, Iowa

Kelsey is ready to get down and dirty on her date. She and Peter stomp grapes and make their own wine cleverly labeled, “Wine.” Peter compares this exercise to their relationship. It’s not bland. It’s sweet and sometimes bold. It’s the perfect blend that keeps you coming back. The aftertaste always leaves you wanting more.

Gross. 

Kelsey gives a “cheers” and I sigh for the thousandth time. Why does no one tell these fools that you don’t give a cheers? You give a toast. OH THE HUMANITY.

Peter goes fishing for compliments by asking Kelsey, “How do you feel about me?” Kelsey tells him again that she is in love with him. Once she really gets going with their future plans, Peter gives us our first clue that my girl Kels isn’t getting a rose. Instead of listening, he shuts her up with a passionate kiss. 

At the house, Kelsey’s mom is all about protecting her baby girl’s heart and she is really good at reading people. This is clue number two. She could see in his face that he was not feeling her daughter. 

Meanwhile, father figure Mike sits with Kelsey. She tells him that she professed her love to Peter. Mike wants to know if he reciprocated? He’s not happy when the answer is “not exactly.” Clue number three. 

Peter looks as if he’s going to puke any minute. This digestive distress could be a result of many ailments. One, he’s not into Kelsey and he knows that her mom knows it. Two, he’s about to black out from his head wound oozing puss. Three, it’s really hard to keep the secret that Kelsey has been talking to her father and this makes his insides churn. 

Or it could be a combination of all three. 

Madison
Auburn, Alabama 

Not everyone gets a personal message from Sir Charles Barkley on the jumbotron of the Auburn Arena, but not everyone is Madison or Madison’s dad. The head basketball coach trots onto the floor, hugs Madison, and tells Peter that her father is the greatest man in the world. Then he forces the pair to go through some basket ball drills.

Madison schools Peter. In every way. He retaliates by going full horizontal at half court and making out with her right there on the big orange and blue UA. War eagle indeed. 

At Madison’s house, we learn that her father is thirty years old and had Madison when he was twelve. Madison gets the “special plate” at dinner and everyone goes around to say nice things about the nice girl. This makes her cry. Dad saves the day by asking everyone to hold hands so they can say grace before the meal.

Madi’s mom is concerned that her sweet baby hasn’t told Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Shouldn’t she have done that by now? Great question, mom. Madison’s spirit deflates when her mom claims she doesn’t know how Peter will handle the news. 

Meanwhile, dad is outside trying to hold it together as a man his own age tell him that he is falling in love with his daughter. Dad contests. THIS IS TOO FAST! How does he know this is genuine? Are they compatible in their believes? 

Once again, Peter is instructed not to break someone’s heart. Dad wants to know if Peter is going to pick Madison. Period.

Peter: I can tell you this — if this was the last week…
Dad: But it’s not the last week. You have other women. 
Lincee: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Dad tells Madison the same thing. He wants her to know that it’s his job to protect her, but she has her own thoughts and values. She needs to make sure those align with Peter. Do they? He’s not sure. 

Dad’s not ready to say that Peter is “the one,” but he won’t close the door yet out of respect for his daughter. Madison hugs him, goes to find Peter, then makes out with the communal bench that moves from place to place. He tells her with a big old grin on his face that he is falling head-over-heels in love with her. She does not say it back. The fact that neither proclaimed her true love for him, nor wrote a list of all the things she adores about him makes Peter want to curl in the fetal position.

Victoria
Virginia Beach

We see Victoria frolicking in the surf, playing catch with her rented dog. How do I know the dog was a friend’s? Because when Peter shows up, she abandons the poor thing to fend for himself as she jumps and straddles her way into Peter’s arms. 

They take some old-timey photos (boring) and eat ice cream on the boardwalk. Then she grabs Peter’s hand and leads him to a crowd of people who are gathered around country music artist…CHASE RICE! 

Wait a minute. That was a typo. So sorry. 

Then she takes Peter’s hand and leads him to a crowd of people who are gathered around country music artist…HUNTER HAYES!

Peter looks hesitant at first and I don’t blame him. Does Victoria have a special black book with all the country music artists she’s conquered in the past? Will Peter have to sit through another confession at dinner about how she used to date Hunter once upon a time? Will next week’s fantasy suite date be serenaded by Cole Swindell, who just so happens to be Victoria’s prom date last year? 

Hey Victoria, if you could help me get a date with 2005 Billy Currington, I’d appreciate it. Thanks. 

Victoria and Peter dance away their blues. Both jump up and down and woo the crowd of Virginia Beachers who are currently wondering, “Do I know these people?” The vibe is rocking. Hunter appears normal. Both Vicky and Pete know every word from the song “I Want Crazy.” 

We call this “foreshadowing” in the literary world. 

Peter and Victoria say their goodbyes, heading off in two different directions to get ready for the big night of parent meeting. A body with a blurred face calls out to Peter. He turns and shouts, “MARISSA!” Peter discovers that this ex-girlfriend of his now lives in Virginia Beach.

I’m so glad they blurred blonde-haired Marissa from Virginia’ Beach who used to date Pete’s face out. It’s good to keep people’s identities a secret. 

Marissa has an ominous warning for our bachelor: “Be careful. That’s all I’ll say.”

But then she just stands there so Pete pushes a bit further. Marissa explains that she used to be friends with Victoria, but something happened and now they aren’t friends anymore. Many relationships have broken up because of her. NOW that’s all she’ll say.

Peter is shocked. That was a lot said. And the gravity of this timing couldn’t be worse. What’s he going to do? 

I’ll tell you what you can do, Peter. You can be mad at the producer who went out and found Ms. Blurry Face and stuck her in an impromptu mini-concert with Hunter Hayes so she could “happen to see” her old pal Victoria the home wrecker.

Peter the Communicator decides to have a conversation with Victoria about this newfound information just moments before they walk in to meet her family. He wants to know if the accusations are true. Does she break up relationships?

Victoria is H-O-T. She immediately begins wailing about all the drama, yet she never answers the question. She blames Peter for her reaction, irritated the the would do this before her family time. Peter admits it’s not fun, but wouldn’t she rather get all this out in the open?

Victoria settles into her favorite defense, “What? What do you want me to say?”

Then she yells at Peter for “acting like that,” to which Peter gives an emphatic, “EXCUSE ME?”

She has nothing, NOTHING to say to him right now. She leaves in a huff, shouts at the cameras to stop following her, and rolls her eyes when the ABC Intern produces the document that she herself signed in blood saying anything and everything can be on film. Peter is annoyed that she’s walking away instead of having a conversation. Why can’t it just be easy?

Because you don’t want easy, Peter. You want crazy. You mouthed it yourself eight hours ago.

She eventually wanders back into her parents’ yard and listens as Peter apologizes (!) for it appearing that he attacked her with the news from Blurry Face Marissa. He validates, validates, validates as Victoria wonders out loud how they are supposed to move forward from this horrid interaction. 

Peter summons his patience and reminds her again how much he cares about her. He wants to know why she keeps giving up? She wants to know why he’s so willing to stay?

Ouch.

He leaves. Her family comes out and they group hug right there on the front lawn. 

Of course Victoria shows up the next day to apologize and assure Peter that she is hundo-P falling in love with him. Peter sort of smiles but is more interested in telling Victoria that their communication skills suck. He’s confused why everything always blows up when they are together. Victoria promises to do better. Then she tells him the ball is in his court. 

She gives him one of the wallet versions of the old-timey pictures, leaves, and cries buckets of tears in the hallway. How will she ever be the next bachelorette with all this drama? How will she influence things in the future? Who will she date from the headliner list at Stagecoach this year? 

Rose Ceremony

For some reason, the producers place this particular rose ceremony in an airplane hangar. I guess it’s because the fantasy suites will be forgoing in Australia and that’s quite a time commitment. 

Madison rocks her sequined pant suit she borrowed from Cher’s closet in 1964. Hannah Ann wears a black neglige. Kelsey teeters in a very tight green velvet number. And Victoria’s green satin is a normal knee-length. Pay no attention to the plunging neckline that looks like she’s being prepped for heart surgery. 

Peter hands his first rose to Hannah Ann, then Madison. After ten seconds of silence, the third and final rose is bestowed to Victoria. 

Kelsey is in shock. She is confused, but hugs Peter anyway. For the girl with all the emotions in the world, there was nary a tear that dropped in the rejection limo. 

She can’t mess up her makeup. She’ll need to look her best, wounded self for when she’s considered to be the next bachelorette. 

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Tricia Davis
Tricia Davis

Great recap as always Lincee! Your recaps are waaaaay better than the show!

Cindyloooo
Cindyloooo

Amen to Tricia’s comment.

Scooby Snaxx
Scooby Snaxx

My favorite part of the episode was that when Peter and Kelsey were stomping grapes to make wine, those were not wine grapes they were stomping. They were regular table grapes. Le sigh.

Lexie
Lexie

I noticed that too! And of course Peter – can’t have a date without leading the charge on the two-step. Blake 2.0.

Gondawatchsomemore
Gondawatchsomemore

I saw that too!!!

GammaGirl1111
GammaGirl1111

The worst part was, not only did I notice that those were regular $1.99/pound grapes purchased from, like, Piggly Wiggly or Price Chopper, but I had to look at PETER’S BARE FEET mushing around in them for several minutes. GAG.

Allia
Allia

When you said “one of these things is not like the other” I fully thought you meant “not a complete child”.
Loved your recap, as always!
This is such a weird season for me… usually by this time, the relationships are far more developed than this. None of the relationships with the remaining ladies seem more advanced than a casual hang. Exchanging flirty notes is literally the height of his relationship with Hannah Ann, he still doesn’t know about Madison’s religiousness (even though it is clearly a huge aspect of her life), and Victoria has repeatedly and successfully skirted all questions about her past. Most importantly, not one of these ladies seems all that interested in our fly boy. I have no idea where he is going with all this, but I would be shocked if this season ended with an engagement. I do not see how.

Erinn
Erinn

Totally agree. It’s more like week 5 or 6 in terms of how serious they are.

Curious George
Curious George

Can someone please tell me, how old are Madison’s parents??? Is this even possible?

Dawn F
Dawn F

I looked it up. They got married at 18 and have been together for 29 years! They must be 47.

Evy
Evy

Definitely thought her dad was a brother at first…

Rachel
Rachel

Agree!!! I tried googling his age but couldn’t find anything. Her parents must have gotten married at 20 absolute tops!

cici
cici

The father’s toupe with bangs was too much – oy

Kathleen
Kathleen

I have to agree that none of them really even seem to like Peter and only want to either win or be the next Bachelorette. Kelsey for Bachelorette?? No way…she’s boring. Hannah Anne?? No way, she’s too young and basically a cypher. Victoria? No way, she’s mean AF. That leaves Madison and then we’d have to go through another loooong season of the virgin thing. No thank you! What happened to the good old days when we didn’t know them before it started, nothing was foreshadowed and there was skinny dipping in the ocean and lots of sex…I’m looking at you Ben and Courtney and Kristin and Shawn! How about a little bit more of THAT! And Lincee, this “As someone who finds it challenging to slide into a golf cart without slamming a high ball glass into his own face, what are the chances that Pete’s hatchet is going to ricochet off the board, back into his skull?” is gold.

contrarian
contrarian

Bachelor in Paradise. It’s coming.

Ross
Ross

Kelley for Bachelorette. You are right, none of the remaining four are suitable for the above reasons. However, they all, but Madison will be great on BIP!

Lara
Lara

Totally agree about the hatchet; I bet the interns and support staff were scared to death.

Sherrine
Sherrine

“her father is thirty years old and had Madison when he was twelve.” HA. I was thinking the same, though he cut Peter off pretty fast as our boy was just getting into answering/not answering the question. Dad for the win!

Tina
Tina

Great recap as always! What was up with Hannah & Peter just casually leaving their umbrellas on the bridge? Is this a Tennessee thing?! Or maybe this is like the Pont des Arts in Paris? Instead of locks they leave umbrellas?!

Rosa
Rosa

OMG I noticed that too Tina! LOL

Ross
Ross

Of course they have interns to pick up behind them but it smacks of wastefulness and arrogance.

Amee
Amee

I’m a little confused about the use of Expecto Patronum. In this scenario, is Madison’s dad playing the role of dementor? Or is it Peter? I really feel this could go either way. Maybe you should have used the cruciatus curse, Lincee, because parts of this episode were a little like torture, I thought Madison’s dad did a good job of cutting through the BS and making sure Peter knew he wasn’t buying it. I loved the recap, and looking forward to this week’s podcast!

faninAZ
faninAZ

Victoria should write a book on how to evade legitimate questions about your past bad behavior by crying, throwing a tantrum, and blaming your boyfriend for wanting you to explain yourself. He has not had a single date with her where she has acted like a mature human being who can answer important (essential, even) questions. And the dates end without him ever getting an answer. Just watching makes me crazy, so I guess he really does love crazy.

Evy
Evy

I really thought he was going to realize how manipulative and evasive she was this time. He was less shellshocked by her behaviour and more rational (“Can we just talk??”). It’s probably hard to recognize in the moment, but after three dates of it… Whether or not he proposes to her in the end, I hope that he watches this back and is better able to recognize this in the future.

Judy
Judy

Exactly! I think she’s the most manipulative girl (too immature to call a woman) ever on this show. She uses false emotional displays to get attention and create dramas in which she can star.

Karen
Karen

In the words of Maya Angelou, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time they show you.” I kept wanting to tell Peter, expect these same responses after every family holiday, every vacation, etc. if he chooses her.

GammaGirl1111
GammaGirl1111

Re liking crazy, he helpfully told us that in song, so … I’ll take him at his word.

Yesi
Yesi

It is EXTREMELY difficult for me to watch and stomach their “conversations.” Her defensiveness is through the roof and so is her (fake? real? pathological? acted?), “I love you, now leave me” conversational approach.

Yesi
Yesi

And, right, SHE DIDN’T ANSWER TO THE CONCERN!

David
David

I don’t think Peter likes crazy. I think he thinks he will like Victoria in the fantasy suite. Just a guy’s opinion.

Debrag
Debrag

Is anyone curious how all of the parents lived in expensive, immaculate interior decorated homes with nothing out of place? Must be big money in coaching and lumber. Lol

Sue
Sue

Most of the time they rent houses for the hometown dates. The families don’t actually live there.

Ross
Ross

For privacy matters, that makes perfect sense.

Shannon
Shannon

I also heard (no idea if it’s true) they used Bruce Pearl’s house for Madison’s home town date.

Rosa
Rosa

I heard that too, although I’m sure the Prewetts probably have a pretty nice house as well.

GammaGirl1111
GammaGirl1111

I’ve read in a few sources that they often rent AirBnBs or similar. That makes sense; they can set up cameras and lights and mice and such ahead of time without disturbing the households, the family doesn’t have to clean (or hide it if they’re hoarders), you don’t have to worry that the house is too small or cramped or has bad lighting, and so forth.

GammaGirl1111
GammaGirl1111

Er, set up mics, not set up mice XD

David
David

Being a coach or an assistant coach at a big time men’s football or basketball university pays very well. He probably makes between $100,000 and $200,000.

GammaGirl1111
GammaGirl1111

Plus, ~$150K in salary goes a long way in Alabama in terms of housing.

But that still probably wasn’t their house.

Erinn
Erinn

Great recap as always! So, two things:

1. When Hannah Ann said she loved him, Peter said he was so happy to hear that “SOMEONE” loved him. Not Hannah Ann, but “someone.” I thought that was really telling.

2. I’m sure he likes these girls but I don’t see anything that comes close to the chemistry he had with Hannah B. It wasn’t just the windmill, but when he got hot and heavy with her on the pool table, in the sauna, etc…. damn. And the way he looked at her. He doesn’t look at any of these women that way.

I don’t think it’s going to be a successful journey in the end for Peter :/

Oh wait and a 3rd thing, Lincee I thought you’d mention it – the preview at the start showed all 4 jump and straddles, which seemed very self aware on the part of the editors!

Lynn

I HATE the jump and straddle. I cringe every single time.

Grace
Grace

Especially like Madison’s jump and dangle (much more virginal than a straddle)

GammaGirl1111
GammaGirl1111

Heh, this week she had a jump-and-back-kick. I giggled.

Shannon
Shannon

Me toooo! I told my college-aged daughter during that episode “Don’t ever do that! It’s so annoying.”

Jessica
Jessica

Agree on both points! I haven’t felt invested in any of the women this season. In part because they started the season showing him with Hannah B and so far his connection with the rest of these women doesn’t compare. That plus all of the wasted time spent on petty drama rather than getting to know these women.

Gondawatchsomemore
Gondawatchsomemore

It’s been a while since I’ve commented but fear not….your recap is the only thing that justifies the hours of my life that I loose to ABC ‘s anchor program. Pure gold.

Major failing of the show’s casting is the age of the participants. These girls are 23 years old. They were in second grade when Ryan gave Trista a rose. I’d love to up the average age by about 6 years and see how the show shifts. I’ll put in a word with Fliess.

Best line……Victoria’s green satin is a normal knee-length. Pay no attention to the plunging neckline that looks like she’s being prepped for heart surgery.

Thank you Lincee for making my Tuesday’s so enjoyable!

Stan the Cat
Stan the Cat

“lose”, as in lost. “loose, is opposite of tight. Peter is loose, and is threatening to lose my interest.

Michele
Michele

I’ve had MORE than ENOUGH of Victoria. Please, Victoria, go away and never appear on television again! You need to grow up — away from television and social media. And Peter, sigh. Are you really this dense?? Or are you just keeping Victoria around so you can hit the fantasy suite with her before you boot her out?

The way things look right now, I’m guessing he either picks no one, or he picks Hannah Ann by default (he finally realizes any relationship with Victoria is doomed to fail, and Madison either peaces out on her own, or he realizes that he cannot match her religious devotion and doesn’t choose her. So he’s left with Hannah Ann. Or no one.)

Ross
Ross

Wasn’t there some implication in the preview that Madison gives him an ultimatum? presumably that if he does it with any of the others, she will react negatively?

Bri
Bri

“At Madison’s house, we learn that her father is thirty years old and had Madison when he was twelve.”

I thought the EXACT same thing!!! Exact!!!

I was hoping you’d comment on it!

Tk7681
Tk7681

If you zoom on Peter’s list of things he loves about Hannah Ann….. one of them is putting her legs around him when they hug. A full out praise of the Jump and Straddle

Grace
Grace

Then poor Madison is doomed