Bachelor Peter Recap: Pop That Cork
Twelve: Number of women who shed at least one tear.
Six: Number of denim panties parading down a catwalk.
Two: Number of champagne setups at a cocktail party
Infinity: Number of times I got lost in Our Host Christ Harrison’s eyes
Welcome to season 24 and a Bachelor Peter Recap!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory trainer who’s obsessed with the new Little Women movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Even though it lasted roughly twenty minutes, I don’t feel the need to belabor the Hannah Brown situation when it turned out to be such a blah moment during week 2 of Peter’s journey find love so he can hit it five times. It’s clear that Mike Fleiss and the producers know how to reel us in with dramatic antics that turn out to be nothing more than fabricated turmoil.
Our episode cannonballs right back into the heated conversation we witnessed between Hannah (whose mascara-streaked cheeks have miraculously disappeared) and her boy toy we know as Peter the Pilot. Even though these two jokers are wearing microphones, the camera pretends to be secretly filming them through some sort of key hole.
Someone’s trying to win a daytime Emmy, methinks.
Pete reminds Hanna Bamma that SHE said no to HIM. He physically reacts when she admits she may have made a mistake and he wants to believe her. But is she just missing the “what if” factor? Hannah responds by inviting him to ditch this scene in order to catch a flight together. Surely he’s got an “in” at the local regional airport, right? On the wings of love, baby!
Peter claims he doesn’t know what to do. He further emphasizes this point by placing his head in Hannah’s lap — face to crotch. After a few minutes of this unnatural position, Hannah climbs into Peter’s lap and wraps him in a warm embrace. This time his face is in her bosom.
Meanwhile, all the girls on this “what’s your best sex story” group date are trying to figure out a word that rhymes with Nantucket.
Hannah gives Peter an arsenal of green lights. He assembles all of the will power in his being and manages to convince his vocal chords to utter, “I can’t do this.” Hannah pouts her lip and they hug good-bye for ten more minutes.
This act of seduction messes with Pete’s head and as he paces around a purple walled room, he decides that his feelings are totally justified. They broke up five seconds ago. However, the current dilemma is that he doesn’t know if he wants to fully move on from The Beast.
His solution? Cancel the sex story date (praise hands) and catch up with the ladies during the after party. He acknowledges the fact that this is a chach move, but it’s what’s best for his mental well-being. He must take his thoughts captive and reconvene when he’s not covered in Hannah’s body glitter.
Half the girls pretend to be okay with it and the others complain. None more than Natasha. She will not pursue someone who is still in love with his ex-girlfriend and she’s not afraid to tell Peter.
Peter wisely coaxes Natasha to “get it all out.” She monologs for a significant amount of time, reminding him that they have a deep connection and that he shouldn’t dismiss a gaggle of perfectly good women. Peter nods his head, waits for Natasha to finish her rant, and then affirms the crap out of her for being direct, honest, and a complete bad a$$. Then they make out.
Next up is Sydney. She’s upset because she left sooooo much to be here. Like her mom. And her terrible town full of people who racially profiled her. She had to grow up so fast and she deserves to be courted by golly! Peter nods his head, waits for Sydney to finish her rant, and then affirms the crap out of her for being strong and brave. Then they make out.
Mykenna is a fetus and has no clue she should be mad at Peter for entertaining the idea of Hannah as a new member of the harem. Instead of ranting, she insists he show her some of his best dance moves (bless) before they make out.
And when I say make out, I mean make out. Homeboy hoists Mykenna up onto a lovely writing desk that is in no way created for amorous activities. Her hot pink spandex dress has enough elasticity for this to be a successful maneuver. Just when I convince my eyes that they are about to gaze upon this young one’s nether regions, the ABC camera guy pans up and the need for a well-placed Black Modesty Box becomes null and void. Pete sidles his entire body between her legs and goes to town.
For some reason, Mykenna keeps her feet flexed. Did anyone else notice this? Was she trying to keep her silver stiletto pumps from falling to the floor? Do Canadians not know to wrap one’s legs around the waist of someone who is ammending the Jump and Straddle move? Or is Mykenna a youth who doesn’t know things?
Whatever the case may be, Mykenna’s windmill preview wasn’t enough to get her the date rose. That went to Sydney.
I know, I know. I hate it when the rose ceremony is at the beginning of the show, too, but this is what we are working with this season and we have to press on. Kudos to Peter for addressing his ladies, assuring each one that Hannah Brown is not a threat. Let’s party!
Lexi chooses a royal blue dress that looks incredible with her red hair. Unfortunately, the clear straps she tapped onto a frock that was (I assume) a strapless dress were very Forever XXI. I blessed her heart so you don’t have to. He gives her a red convertible matchbox car and they make out.
Madison, who was surprisingly absent for most of the show, is a definite front-runner. I know this for two reasons: 1.) He acts differently around her. 2.) He gave her a framed family photo from the wedding renewal and she is positioned in the middle of the family. Brothers to her left. Parents to her right. Awkward all around.
But not as awkward as what Our Host Chris Harrison is calling Champagnegate.
It all starts with Kelsey and her seven-dollar bottle of Trader Joe’s champagne that someone gave her as a birthday gift. She’s been saving it for something special. And that something is Peter the Pilot. The ABC Intern is happy to provide an ice bucket, two champagne flutes, lots of candles, and a fuzzy blanket on the fireplace hearth. Kelsey is ready to celebrate her future husband and frequent flyer miles!
Dumb old Mykenna swoops in and takes Peter before Kelsey can swoop herself. This is unacceptable behavior on a realty dating show. Kelsey berates Mykenna for grabbing Peter when she had alone time with him the night before?
Mykenna is confused. So am I. Kelsey rambles on about how Mykenna doesn’t care and that “this is your decision” and “don’t expect any sympathy from us.” Then she calls her a snake.
Sympathy for what? And who is “us” you speak of? PS: You’re 28-years-old. Act like it, Des Moines.
The tears begin to fall in a way that makes me scratch my head. Kelsey cries over every little thing. So much so that Alayah has to drag out her small carry-on full of beauty products for the sake of adding another makeup layer to cover up the tear creases marked in Kelsey’s foundation.
Once Kelsey pulls herself together, the other ladies applaud her for having the wherewithal to bring her own bottle of champagne from home. What is she going to “cheers” with Peter? What will his reaction be to her sweet gesture? What was that noise?
It was a cork popping. From a champagne bottle. And I couldn’t be more thrilled.
Lo and behold, Hannah Ann had no idea that this particular champagne set-up (the one NOT guarded by its owner) wasn’t a generic champagne set-up. As they chug André Brut and giggle about nothing, Kelsey walks up at the exact moment Peter and Hannah Ann start making out over her bucked of what used to be chilled champagne but now isn’t thanks to the fireplace blaze.
Kelsey is distraught. Not one, but TWO moments have been taken from her. OH THE HUMANITY. She shakes her finger at both Peter and Hannah Ann before rushing off in a heap of ugly tears searching for the nearest bathroom. Peter runs off to figure out what in God’s green earth just happened and is brutally rebuffed at the power room door. No, Fly Boy, Kelsey does not want to see you.
Peter returns to Hannah Ann who has just learned from one of the other girls’ whose name isn’t important that that particular bottle of bubbly was super duper special. Hannah Ann claims she had no idea. I believe her.
Kelsey returns, presents herself to the couple, and utters, “I’m really upset.” She marches in the opposite direction and Peter once again follows her. He convinces Kelsey to sit down on this other couch beside this other chilled bottle of champagne so they can properly toast their time together as a pretend couple. The cork is popped and a decision is made to sip straight from the bottle.
Then this happens:
I will tell you, dear reader, I needed that laugh!
Later, Hannah Ann tries to explain to Kelsey that there were two bottles of champagne and she had no idea the one she opened was designated for something special. Kelsey retaliates with a bunch of profanity. She calls Hannah Ann fake, a princess, and asks her to F-off. Hannah “respects her opinion” and “acknowledges her feelings” before rolling her eyes in defeat. She declares that they are moving forward and walks away from the weeping 28-year-old with a sinus cavity full of residual champagne bubbles.
Along with Kelley (remember the flight date?), Madison (renewal date), and Sydney (cancelled sex story date), roses go to:
Peyton the blonde, Lauren the catsuit, and Courtney the Black Swan are sent home budless.
Who’s killing it in her Bachelor bracket? THIS GIRL! Come play with us!
GROUP 1 DATE
Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F, Kelsey, Hannah Ann
“Time to Let Your Personality Shine”
It’s our seasonal Pretty Woman date, but with a group of non-prostitutes instead of one non-prostitute. Revolve is a clothing store and the girls can grab anything they want inside. The catch? They are modeling their styles on the runway. Carson from Queer Eye and the first supermodel ever Janice Dickinson are there to help the ladies. Well, they are there to help make fun of the ladies and give them very sage advice like, “Don’t fart in front of Peter.”
Everyone squeals with glee when they learn that the winner on the runway will get “everything in the Revolve closet.” I’m not sure what that means, but by the reaction, I assume it’s more than a couple of pairs of shoes and a kicky beret.
The Battle of the Denim Panties is on. I’m glad to see that this trend will never go out of style. They are paired with lacy bras, leather jackets, and zero cares when it comes to butt cheeks hanging out.
Most of the ladies give Peter a wink or blow him a kiss when they pass him sitting on the front row. Each think they are the brilliant one who came up with this phenomenal idea. None realize that the others are doing the exact same thing.
But there is one who is not like the others. The one who models for a career has decided to go bold. Hannah Ann walks out in a wedding dress. It’s as if she’s giving the proverbial bird to those who think they can best her. Even you, Kelsey.
Wait a minute! Is this Victoria F? Strutting down the runway sans smile? Why yes it is! Oh look! There she is in a negligee covered up by a black overcoat. What’s she doing now? Making out with Peter on the runway? NO WAY!
The judges make Hannah Ann and Victoria F. wear the exact same dress to perform their final walk-off. Hannah throws all sorts of shade and owns the moment. Victoria melts down. She feels defeated when Hannah wins the big prize. She feels validated that she will never be good enough for Peter to notice her.
Notice her? She’s worried about Peter noticing her? YOU WORE A SEE-THROUGH TEDDY AND PRANCED AROUND IN FRONT OF HIM BEFORE YOU STUCK YOUR TONGUE DOWN HIS THROAT.
Hear me when I say: He noticed you.
Peter agrees with me. He immediately senses that Victoria is off. He asks her three different ways “what’s wrong” and she finally spills her guts, confessing that “she’s not made out for this.” She starts to cry and lays her head down in his lap, face to crotch, which is apparently a thing we do now.
Peter takes her somewhere private. It’s the opposite corner of where they currently are sitting. We can see them. We can hear them. Yet the cameras do that odd keyhole filming again.
Victoria is confused by how Peter can like some girls who are the exact opposite of her. She worries that he doesn’t see her. Peter nods his head, waits for Victoria to finish her rant, and then affirms the crap out of her for being so endearing with a heart that offers so much love. Then they make out.
Across the way, we find Hannah Ann dipping into the dark side. She is stewing in the aftermath of her interaction with Kelsey the day before. She has decided that she won’t be bullied any longer. There is only one thing left to do and that is to tell Peter that Kelsey is a horrible person.
So she does. She breaks Bachelor Cardinal Rule #1 by throwing another contestant under the bus. Peter is not a happy camper about this new revelation. He quickly hands the date rose to Victoria F. and then requests a private audience with Kelsey.
Peter: “ It has been brought to my attention from Hannah Ann that she feels you are bullying her. You called her a B, a princess and if that is the case, that’s not okay with me.”
Kelsey: “I didn’t have a problem with her until she did what she did.”
Emotionally frustrated, Peter nods his head, but does not let Kelsey rant. He in no way affirms her and has no desire to make out. Instead, they head back to the circle of women so Kelsey can stare daggers into Hannah Ann’s Revolve dress.
Then she starts crying. Because crying is cool.
Stealing champagne is not.