Bachelor Peter Recap: Second Guesses
Two minutes in: Time when I stopped caring about Champagne-gate.
Seventeen Trillion: Number of chickens de-feathered for the pillow fight.
Four: Number of Our Host Chris Harrison sightings!
One: Number of times I uttered “ugh” when looking at Peter’s blue jean length.
Welcome to the season 24 Bachelor Peter Recap!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory trainer who’s obsessed with the new Little Women movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
It’s week 3 of Peter the Pilot’s journey to find love again in a windmill and I can confidently say that ABC is doing things a little differently this year. Instead of diving into the lives of the women who are barely featured on the show, the producers have decided to spotlight three women each episode. This way, we won’t have to bother each other with, “Who’s that?” during Women Tell All. We’ll just know that the Jr. Varsity team has been relegated to the back row.
There’s the blonde girl. And the other blonde girl. And cat suit girl. And blonde girl. Please do not bother yourself with memorizing their names or commenting on their habits. Mike Fleiss will tell you who needs your undivided attention.
If you don’t count the filler that was Kelsey and Hannah Ann crying over the stolen bottle of champagne, this week’s preferred contestants are Victoria P, Alayah, and Sydney.
Vicky P. has a solo date that was never announced or I totally forgot about it from last week. She and Peter motor through Beverly Hills in a vintage Chevy truck that is so old, it doesn’t have seat belts. Peter wants to give Vick a “taste of my hometown.” This means risking your life in LA traffic before buying cowboy boots at a general store.
Bless his heart, he teaches her to line dance right there in the store. This is when we realize that no one told Peter that he needs to wear different jeans with his boots. This is also when I wonder if any man, other than Paul Bunyan, should wear a read and black buffalo check shirt. As Peter swirls Veep around in an intricate pretzel, a few other questions come to mind: I wonder how Blake is doing? I wonder who he will windmill with at Stagecoach this year?
Peter takes Victoria to The Canyon where “music meets soul.” For the first time in the history of this show, the band’s name is NOT touted. We have no idea who we are supposed to search on Spotify so we can be the cool kids who know Fill-In-The-Blank is the next big thing in the world of music.
Have y’all heard of Tenille Arts?
That night, we are led to believe that Peter flies Victoria into the official ABC airplane hangar. We see Pete’s sweet ride, Mike Fleiss’ personal aircraft, and Jake Pavelka’s cargo plane he uses to deliver goods from Oriental Trading.
Peter compliments Vicky P. on her sweet heart and positive spirit. This causes her to open up about WHY she’s so nice and gentle. It’s because she had to grow up fast, due to her father’s death and mother’s addiction, she’s dreamed for a way out of poverty and into a world that provides a happy, healthy life. Peter is moved to tears and gives her the rose for being so awesome.
He’s inspired by Veep. He likes the way she flirtatiously bites her bottom lip. He’s accepted her for who she is and has seen her heart. And her upper thigh thanks to the slit in her dress. They celebrate these revelations by hard core making out inside one of the airplanes.
Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, Alayah
“I love surprises. I hope you do, too.”
All is quiet in the mansion. Zit cream has dutifully been applied to all problem spots. Hair pieces are draped neatly on bedside tables. Mouth guards are in place. Hair is messily splayed across pillows, courtesy of deep, blissful sleep.
That’s when Demi (from Colton’s season) arrives and all hell breaks loose. Two very scary women come barging into the mansion’s makeshift bunk bed room and encourage the women to emerge from their slumber by swinging pillows into anything within range of their reach.
Zit cream smears. Hair pieces join superfluous feathers in mid-air. Mouth guards get whacked out of mouths — with long strings of spit welcoming its owner to the Thunderdome.
Demi gives us all the details. There’s going to be a pillow fight and the girls must wear some sort of nighttime outfit as they beat another girl into submission. Some contestants have sensible t-shirts and shorts in their swag bag. Others have long flannel nightgowns that Laura Ingalls Wilder wore during the colder months on the prairie. Some outfits were sexy. Others were not.
Assuming that Peter lives in a ranch town near the Bachelor mansion, we once again find our cast in a cowboy-themed establishment. This time it’s a saloon. Pairs of contestants must enter the ring and fight to the death. The Jell-O has been replaced with mats from the gymnasium and Fred Willard is there to provide color commentary. Let’s get this party started.
My money was on Tammy. She’s the wrestler, after all. Sure she tackled Kelley like it was her job, but that didn’t get her to the finals. Nope. That honor went to Alayah and Sydney.
Most of you are probably wondering who Alayah is and I get it. Up until now, I think we’ve witnessed her icebreaker and saw her when she helped Kelsey apply another layer of makeup after her tears left tracks in her foundation. Other than those two instances, Alayah has been one of those who barely makes your Bachelor bracket.
HOWEVER…Sydney wants us to know that Alayah is not here for the right reasons (right reasons). Reports have come through hinting that Alayah “turns it on” for the cameras.
Who’s surprised that these two were pitted against each other in the big finale? I’m not. Alayah, dressed in the exact same outfit Sandra Dee wore to Frenchie’s slumber party, is shocked when Sydney starts pulling hair and pounding the crap out of her. So she sits on Sydney until the bell rings. Alayah is victorious and has the crown to prove it. It’s not as nice as her Miss Texas crown, but she’ll take it.
At the cocktail party, Peter thanks the girls for their cooperation at the pillow fight and loves the fact that they can “do what we did in our childhood.”
Ah, yes. Pillow fights in my nightie. Why I remember that night in high school when we all slipped into our lace underthings from Victoria’s Secret and gleefully slammed one another with pillows resting in a case that were undoubtedly decorated with neon puff paint. It offered a nice raspberry to the face when swinging high and to the left. The entire Boyz II Men greatest hits CD played in the background because the frivolity lasted 43 minutes.
It was a magical time.
At the cocktail party, Alayah gets her moment with Peter. Her voice has gone up an octave, but Peter doesn’t care. He’s too concerned by the major bruise on her arm. Or he’s blinded by the rhinestones from the crown she’s still wearing. I can’t be sure.
He admits that there’s “something” about her that draws him in. She takes this simple statement and runs with it. They make out and she returns to the fire pit one happy camper. She’s delighted to tell all the girls just how strong her bond is with Peter.
Sydney can’t stand it anymore. She asks Alayah an interesting question: “Do you work at all?” At first, Alayah doesn’t track where Syd is going. She merrily informs all who will listen that she has three jobs. I took sixty seconds to do some research. From what I gather, those three jobs are: Miss Texas, dutiful citizen, and this Bachelor gig.
For some reason, Alayah is determined to remind the viewing audience and her fellow contestants that she is not prim and proper like a normal pageant girl. She’s always been a “title holder,” and knowing what to say, answering questions without answering, steering a conversation in a certain direction is a gift.
Sydney nods her head and asks, “So opening up and being your true core is hard for you? Because you sound rehearsed and ‘on’.”
If there was a mic, Sydney would have dropped it. Instead, she high tails it over to Peter to let him know that Alayah puts on a facade when the cameras aren’t around. She doesn’t believe Alayah is being genuine. Sydney takes this stuff seriously and has made it her duty to guard and protect Peter’s heart. Minus the tattoo.
Naturally this concerns Peter. Do you remember last season how the evil Jed pretended to be in love with Hannah B. in order to advance his non-existent musical career? What if the same is happening to Peter? Oh the humanity!
Here’s where it gets interesting. Instead of pulling Alayah aside to say something along the lines of, “Sydney said you aren’t here for the right reasons (right reasons),” Peter gathers all the women together by the fire pit. The body shimmer glitters in the light. The boobs are poised. The skirts are tight. Peter ignores all that and apologizes to Sydney for throwing her under the bus before throwing her under the bus.
Sydney handles herself well. She gives a solid thesis statement and outline as to why Alayah is fake. Alayah asks the group if anyone else feels this way and not one person raises her hand. We have a “she said/she said” situation on our hands.
Back and forth. Back and forth. What is this, Champagne-gate? Alayah feels BLIND SIDED and tells Peter that it’s super rude that Sydney is so obviously jealous of her. And her crown. When she starts crying, Peter softens. We’ve officially identified his kryptonite. Peter whispers, “I believe you.”
They join the party again and Peter gives Sydney the rose for having the balls to hold her ground in front of a bunch of women who could slit her throat in the middle of the night if they wanted to. All it would take is a broken chard of a certain tiara to make that happen.
Our Host Chris Harrison comes into the sunken living room like a breath of fresh air in hell. He warns the girls that today is last time they will see Peter before he makes a huge decision. And the best environment to make life-altering decisions is a pool party.
Peter comes in with the enthusiasm of someone who just found out that Lexi is no longer at Navarro Junior College. Big fat bummer. He shuffles into the mansion wearing Rocket Pop-inspired swim trunks and a face that reads, “It’s week 3 and I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”
He grabs Sydney first. He apologizes for putting her directly under the front wheel of that bus the night before and she brushes it off. She just wanted to make sure he had the information he needed to make an informed decision. Her best line? “Don’t worry about me. Make a decision based on your emotions.” FYI: Neither partied in the pool.
Kelsey is next. She claims to love Alayah and ends that sentence with a big, fat BUT. “But she acts a certain way in front of the camera.” FYI: Neither partied in the pool.
When it’s Natasha’s turn to woo Peter, she takes that time to confirm that Sydney was not wrong. Alayah turns it on when she wants to. FYI: Neither partied in the pool.
Even Lexi shares, “It must be her background or pageant training.” Peter asks, “You mean Alayah?” Lexi answers in the affirmative. FYI: Neither partied in the pool.
Alayah eventually asks Sydney for a one-on-one and they bicker about how feelings are different from emotions and how there’s no way Sydney could possibly know how Alayah acts in front of Peter because she’s not there. That’s a terrible argument. Alayah further attacks Sydney for making her opinion seem like it was shared by other women.
Cue the conversations above. Neither Sydney nor Alayah got in the water. This will go down as the lamest pool party in Bachelor history. Additionally, Hannah Ann can’t decide if she wants to wear the Captain’s hat or not. Decisions are the worst.
I think it’s important to note that Madison spent her time forehead-to-forehead with Peter, discussing how they feel like they’ve known each other for years. And Kelley told Peter that he should clean up his beard because she prefers scruff.
This is how you do it, ladies.
Alayah finally snags Peter. Let the record show that she has little to no makeup on, compared to the Bob Ross canvas she normally rocks. She is using her face to prove to Peter that she is not fake. She is genuine. HERE ARE THE ACNE SCARS TO PROVE IT.
Alayah explains that Sydney’s version of fake is actually who Alayah really is in real life. Poor cynical Sydney just perceives it as negative. Alayah is fun and spunky and totally not your normal pageant girl. She adjusts her boobs and tilts her head. Peter suddenly feels undeniable chemistry. Who cares that four other women have warned him about Alayah’s intentions. LOOK AT HER BOOBS.
Someone smart behind the scenes suggests that Peter go find Victoria P. who has been given the moral compass badge of the group. What does she think?
Victoria: “Well, I did know her before coming here. She asked me not to tell the producers that we knew one another. She asked me to lie. That’s not who I am.”
Lincee: “So…did you lie? ROLL THE TAPE FLEISS!”
Victoria: “Coming into this, she was open to all of the opportunities that will come after the show, even if you aren’t her husband.”
Lincee: “So…she is going to pedal FabFitFun.”
Victoria: “Maybe she’s not the one for you.”
Lincee: “Sleep with one eye open, Vicky.”
Here we go again. Peter finds Alayah to tell her that he does not feel hundo P about her intentions.
Peter: “It’s not just one person. It’s multiple people who think you’re disingenuous. For example, did you ask Victoria to lie to the producers?”
The look on Alayah’s face is sheer horror. She clearly did not see this one coming. But she has a great excuse. She thought if producers knew they knew each other, neither would get cast for the show. IT WAS FOR THEIR PROTECTION!
Peter looks even more defeated than mute Sarah who took a pillow shot straight to the cranium earlier in the episode. There’s no reason for Victoria to lie. But he’s extremely attracted to Alayah.
Our bachelor stands up, walks out the front door, and heads down the dry, brittle driveway. Presumably to walk to his parents’ house.
Harrison delivers the bad news. Peter is gone and he’s not coming back. Until the rose ceremony. Mykenna loses her mind, hysterical that she didn’t get to have any time with Peter. Neither did that girl or the other one over there or tiny blonde. That rose is PRECIOUS and these jokers need to get their BLEEP together.
Calm down, Mykenna. You’re getting a rose. Geez. The only four who were sent home packing were Alexa the waxer, Sarah the question mark, Jasmine the princess, and Alayah.
That’s right. Alayah was left roseless. As she made her way out of the mansion, we see Peter talking to a producer. He’s already questioning if he should have given Alayah the rose. What if he didn’t make the right decision?
We will learn the answer to that question because next week, Alayah comes back! Does she stay? We’ll find out on Monday.