Bachelor Peter Recap: I’m Shooketh
1400: Number of tears shed this episode.
6: Pairs of boobs showcased this episode.
12: Crickets heard chirping after the word “Cleveland.”
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory trainer who’s obsessed with the new Little Women movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
It’s week 4, dear reader, and the show is moving to Cleveland, Ohio. There’s absolutely nothing you can do about it but embrace the culture, art, rock music, and dreary weather. Although the cast of characters acted as if they had never heard of such a place, most claim they would happily visit Cleveland again should their future pharmaceutical sales job offer a conference in the area.
The camera cuts to Peter, standing in front of the Cleveland skyline, bolding executing the familiar stance of Superman. Peter claims the man of steel was born there. Since Superman was actually born on Krypton, I assume Peter means that Clark Kent grew up in Ohio, which is also wrong. Anyone who watched all ten seasons of Smallville on the WB Network would not have botched this fact in such a major way.
Additionally, Peter tells us that Cleveland is the “greatest sports town.” That’s sweet. The Browns went 6-10 this season. Perhaps he meant the sports fans? Or sports facility? Whatever the case may be, the Cleveland Chamber of Commerce went above and beyond, gifting the entire show staff and contestants the Hilton that overlooks Lake Erie. Cue the screaming and bed jumping.
“Today our love soars to new heights.”
Let me get this out of the way: Victoria bugs. She bugs big time. After sleuthing out the clues from her date card, Victoria is convinced she is going sky diving which is unacceptable. She whines in the black SUV all the way to the airport. She claims she is super scared of heights and threatens a panic attack. At first I bought it because she forgot the straddle portion of the infamous Jump and Straddle™ move we’ve all come to expect.
Then Peter quickly flies her over to Cedar Point amusement park. For some reason, she’s able to choke back her fear, but insists on grabbing his arm for protection, which seemed highly dangerous to me when motoring around in a tiny little plane.
Guess what? The entire amusement park is empty, except for Peter and Victoria, the camera crew, and a gaggle of women in Frontier Land who are currently using their smart phones to Wikipedia “Chase Rice.”
Peter harnesses the girl who is afraid of heights into this catapult machine first and screams along with her as they shoot into the sky. In the rain. Then he straps her into a seat on the Steel Vengeance so he can compare his relationship with Victoria to a roller coaster.
Peter: “You know, we had a slow start, but we’ve been building and have officially taken the plunge. It’s a wild ride that started with a leap of faith.”
They take a quick beer break in a 50s diner. Victoria gives a “cheers” to “our sons having a hot mom and a successful dad.”
What’s that you say? Sons?
Peter melts when he learns that Victoria wants four sons. Why? Because if you have an odd number of family members, someone is always left to ride an amusement park ride alone. And that’s just sad. This, my friends, is the foundation with which we build our future families. Take notes.
After liquoring her up, Peter’s already giddy demeanor turns even giddier. He takes her hand and leads her through a crowd of ladies who part like the Red Sea, revealing a few steps that lead to a small, square structure. Peter drags Victoria up onto the mini stage and points at the country music sensation Chase Rice. Isn’t this the most fun?
To anyone else, this would be one of those moments where the girl has to pretend to know the musical artist ABC has chosen to feature this week. To Victoria, this reality is her worst nightmare. Why? Because Victoria used to date Chase Rice.
- I LOVE THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
- Rumor has it that Chase Rice was not thrilled with ABC after this date.
- All three (Victoria, Peter, Chase) should be irritated with ABC for making them look like fools.
Victoria tries to hold it together while dancing. Chase tries to hold it together while singing. And Peter whispers to Victoria that it would be so cool if Chase sang at their wedding. ALL THE BLESSINGS IN THE WORLD.
After thirty seconds of shock wears off, Victoria decides that it’s best if she acts normal instead of imitating a deer in headlights. So she lets Peter swing her around as she mouths the lyrics to the song no one else knows. Peter leans in to give her a huge, passionate kiss. And she lets him.
If you look up awkward in the dictionary, this is the example Webster would give.
Victoria hops off the structure and hides behind a popcorn stand so she can puzzle through what to do with her handler. Should she tell Peter? Chase was singing TO HER and making faces. Plus, Chase told her that he didn’t want her to come on the show. OH THE HUMANITY.
Meanwhile, Chase and Peter chat it up next to the First Aid tent. Chase wants to know “how far in are you” and Peter drones on and one about the process and how super awesome Victoria is and how she knew the words to his song. Isn’t that incredible?
Oh I’m sorry. I was mistaken. This is the awkward example Webster would include in his dictionary. My bad.
Chase then talks to Victoria. Because he’s on national television and his reputation is on the line, he takes the high road. He knows what happened to a certain country musician named Jed last year and he doesn’t want to dampen his rising star status. He tells Victoria to “do what’s best” and “be honest.”
Victoria slips into her most revealing hot pink spandex dress, hopeful that her boobs will distract Peter into forgiving her for dating someone else before him. She confesses during dinner that she used to date Chase and Peter stares back for a solid five seconds.
Peter: “Chase? The singer Chase? The one at the concert?”
I may have stood up at that line.
Victoria explains that Chase lived a lifestyle that she didn’t want, so she broke up with him. She’s sorry for ruining the moment and squashing Peter’s happy vibe. When Peter starts asking normal questions, such as, “Do you still have feelings for him?” Victoria bounces to a dark corner like she did on the runway date.
Hey Victoria. We can still see you. And hear you.
Peter follows her and leans next to the defibrillator machine and listens as Victoria apologizes for something ABC put them both through. Peter affirms, affirms, affirms and makes out with her hard. Then he suggests they just laugh about it.
What are you gonna do?
He takes her hand and leads her outside so they can dance in the moonlight as some dude plays a cello. We aren’t sure, but sources tell me that Victoria may have dated this guy too.
Everyone besides Victoria F. and Kelsey
“Let’s tackle love together.”
There are thirteen girls on this football date. That’s a lot of Lululemon. Peter and a pair of Cleveland Browns players teach the girls the fundamentals of football, including what a touchdown is and how to catch the pigskin. It was mansplaining at its finest.
Vicky P. wisely points to her back, feigning a previous injury, and opts to sit this one out. It was a smart move. She received multiple kisses and one sensual massage.
Since Our Host Chris Harrison doesn’t fly to any of the middle states, some random radio hosts color commentate our game. And what a game it was. These women were not afraid to tackle one another or close line an opponent in the name of love.
Unfortunately, the game ended with a tie and because ABC producers are evil, they didn’t perform a simple field goal kick or passing game to declare a clear winner. That means ALL THIRTEEN of the girls are invited to the cocktail party.
As you may recall, the last couple of rose ceremonies have been tumultuous or non-existent. There are a handful of girls who have yet to speak on camera, let alone have significant time with our bachelor. Mykenna points this out on several occasions. The woman agree that Shiann should get the first one-on-one time since she scored four touchdowns.
Awwww! Best friends forever! Do you think Cleveland sells those BeFri necklaces?
The women take their seats on the sectional leather couch. Hair is coiffed. Double-sided tape is somewhat secure on cleavage. Lips are glossed. And all bruising and skin rashes have been masked by cover-up like Angelina Jolie’s tattoos in movies. Let’s do this!
Before Peter can take a sip of his gin and tonic, Vicky P. asks to speak with him and they float off into oblivion. The nerve. She was with him all day long on the sidelines while the other women were busting their butts. How intensive.
Victoria doesn’t care. She lays it on thick by applauding him for “cheering on these beautiful women I’ve come to know and love” before declaring him to be the best future father on the sidelines to their kids.
Peter L-O-V-E-S this with his whole heart. Now he has two different fake families with a pair of Victorias! But the real question remains: Does Vicky P. want an even number of kids or an odd? That could be the breaking point.
Shiann eventually makes her way into Peter’s embrace and uses that time to cry about how Victoria stole him first. She has zero head in the game at this point. I blame a concussion. She sort of rallies when she tells him that her drive on the field was for him. She’s fighting for his love and doesn’t want him to doubt!
The scene switches to the sectional couch women and a “can we talk?” conversation starts to unfold against Victoria P. who had the audacity to steal Peter away first. In an instant, this discussion is cut short when Alayah walks up the steps, blows a kiss to the girls, and rounds the corner to crash Shiann’s date.
Tammy: “A ghost walked into the party. WTF? Everyone is shooketh to the core.”
Using the “Find My Friends” app, Alayah tracked Vicky P. to Cleveland. Thinking it was a mistake, she texts her former handler to discover that the team really is in Ohio. She hops a plane to Cleveland Hopkins International so she can set the record straight.
Both Shiann and Peter are stunned to see Alayah standing their batting her eyelashes. Peter all but kicks Shiann out of the seat so he can inhale the sultry scent of the one who got away.
Alayah’s case? She didn’t have a chance to defend herself. She was blindsided. Vicky P. has been her friend since she (VP) was crowned Miss Louisiana. They even planned a trip to Vegas after Miss USA! And they spoke almost every day leading up to this journey to find love. SHE SWEARS TO THE GOOD LORD THIS IS HER TRUTH.
Interesting. Veep told Peter that she had spoken to Alayah collectively for three hours.
Someone’s pants are on fire.
Peter is on a mission to find the truth. He assures Vick that he believes her, but he just needs to know what’s going on. In true Peter fashion, he leads Victoria to Alayah and makes them hash things out. They hug, wipe each other’s tears, and bury the hatchet without admitting or denying anything. Both feel good about telling their own truths.
Peter points out, once again, that each truth is opposite of the other. They just smile at him and nod. It’s pageant training at its finest.
Now Peter’s hella confused. He takes to the aquarium so he can process with the fish and a rather scary looking shark. He tells the camera that the one thing he promised himself he would do during his journey was to listen to his gut. And he didn’t. He listened to five other women who told him Alayah was shady instead of listening to his own endocrine system.
Peter admits to Alayah that he made a mistake and asks her if she’d like to come back. Alayah waits a beat, but then agrees, as long as Peter promises they can move beyond all the drama.
They walk hand-in-hand back to the sectional couch women, force a few ladies to scoot down, and squeeze into the middle spots so Peter can hand ALAYAH the date rose, with a promise that he will follow his heart from now on.
It was a bad, bad move on Peter’s part.
Thirteen women struggle to stand up, thanks to the torn muscles, cracked ribs, and bruised appendages. They pass a bottle of Tylenol around and wait for the bus to come pick them up. While waiting, Alayah just happens to mention that Victoria F. was dating Chase Rise.
Alayah: “Oh, y’all didn’t know that?”
Nope. They didn’t.
This girl knows how to perform a proper Jump and Straddle™ and does so beautifully into the arms of a guy wearing an old man’s sweater. He sets her down and then walks over to a bench so he can be totally transparent at the beginning of their date.
Kelsey leans in as if she doesn’t know what’s coming. She keeps her face even when Peter shares that Alayah is back. He waits for the yelling and screaming and tears to begin, but they never come.
Kelsey: “Well, from my standpoint, if we end up together, I would want you to explore this more. So you would know that you chose me for me and never have a ‘what if’ thought in your mind.”
The old man tries to teach Kelsey how to two step to a polka, which isn’t a thing. Geez, it’s like the jeans length over a cowboy boot debacle all over again this week.
They play some games, eat some ice cream, make out in a photo booth, and compete against a couple of kids in a soap box derby. Then they have dinner on a fancy yacht.
Peter exchanges the old man sweater for a Steve Jobs black turtleneck and listens intently as Kelsey shares a story about how she puts up walls thanks to her parents’ divorce. When she tells him that she hasn’t seen her dad in twelve years, she starts to cry. Peter affirms, affirms, affirms her and all is well.
Until HE starts crying. I’m not sure why, but it was something about his family coming from Cuba I think. All you need to know is that the moment ended with a “never settle” mantra, the bestowing of a date rose, and a significant fireworks spectacular over Cleveland’s downtown.
Meanwhile, back at the Hilton, Victoria F. confronts Alayah about how she told everyone in the house (read: hotel floor) that she dated Chase Rice. Alayah is quick to defend herself. She thought they already knew.
Victoria calls BS. No one has their phones or any access to the outside world. Try again, you pot stirrer. (Is that how one spells stirrer?) Alayah feigns shock and Victoria feigns it right back. “IS THAT APPALLING? ARE YOU SHOCKED?” Then Victoria yells some explicative and slams back her chardonnay.
Peter pulls up to the location in Lexi’s convertible. He buttons his suit and walks in the room super confident. He quickly addresses the ladies and just as he asks Victoria P. if she’d care to talk, Deandra speaks up.
Deandra: “I’ve never felt so underrecognized in my life. We bust our butts and have bruises and you just ignore us. It’s the biggest slap in the face and I can barely even look at you.”
Natasha piles on. Giving the rose to Alayah was hurtful.
Peter looks like he didn’t have a clue that giving Alayah the rose would result in such mutiny. He apologizes, reminds the women that he’s not perfect, and reiterates the fact that Alayah should have never been sent home. But he hears where they are coming from and thanks them for bringing this unsettling news to his attention.
And now, Victoria?
Home girl stands up and says, “I don’t want to talk to you, but I will.”
Poor Peter is shocked again in less than a minute from his initial shocking. He’s shooketh. Especially when he touches Vicky’s elbow and she jerks it away. Why the tension, Vicks?
There are two trains of thought here. A.) Either Peter came to the conclusion that Alayah and Vicky P. were actually friends who are totally cool with each other now that he forced a reconciliation or B.) He has no clue that by giving Alayah a rose, he no longer trusts Vickster to be his moral compass.
Pete looks on confused as Victoria P. explains to him that Alayah thinks her kindness is a sign of weakness. Well not anymore. She’s not standing for it. And she bets that Victoria F. isn’t either.
Victoria F? How did her name get in this mix?
Vicky P. stares Peter in the face and tells him that he should probably ask Victoria F. exactly what happened yesterday because it’s not her story to tell. Which is what she should have said in relation to Alayah on last week’s episode.
See how everyone is growing? Much like a roller coaster, this experience is like a garden. You plant something small and over time with love and care, it blooms into something remarkable.
That will eventually be cut down and die.
Victoria F. tells Peter that Alayah blabbed to everyone about Chase Rice. As a result, she had to explain herself to the girls and live through the embarrassment of having a boyfriend before the show. SO UNFAIR.
One-by-one, the ladies stream in to tell Peter how disappointed they are in him. Sydney complains that he doesn’t know her middle name. And the reason he doesn’t know her middle name is because he’s dealing with the Victorias and Alayah 24/7.
Then Alayah comes in to cry about how she’s being verbally abused. The women hate her because of her glittering personality. It can be too much for people who are boring and bereft of life. Theatrics isn’t for everyone and she’s mortified that she has to become a wallflower to make everyone else happy.
Going home is not an option for Miss Texas. And it doesn’t matter that there wasn’t a rose ceremony. Thanks to that long-stem red rose in her hand, we have her for another week at least.
How do we feel about that? Sound off in the comment section!