Bachelor Peter Recap: I Didn’t Expect That
Get ready to fiesta because we are in Chile! It appears the producers are going to tour Latin countries so Pete can continue to impress the ladies with his Spanish II knowledge of the language.
Our cast of lovers and sort of likers and the one girl who is “meh” about the situation (¿como se dice “Kelley” in español?) are forced to sit at an outside cafe on the bustling streets of Santiago. Mykenna takes over crying duties from Kelsey and the rest cope by drinking large quantities of margaritas.
Because I love you like a bachelor contestant leaving on a one-on-one date, I’ve categorized my thoughts into a handy playlist.
1. I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner
Peter crashes the margarita party and steals young Hannah Ann away to explore the city for a day. They dance in the street (cringe-worthy), shove a mayonnaise-covered hotdog in each others’ face (unacceptable), and talk to old people about the secret of marriage. We learn that Hannah Ann has never really been in love before. When Peter asks her, “WHY IS THIS, WOMAN?” her answer has something to do with “the direction of someone’s heart” and where they are at.
This is puzzling to Peter for some reason. Not me. The child is 23-years-old. Her lack of real life love should not bother him. What’s more intriguing is why Peter wears a coat on his date and three layers at dinner when Hannah Ann is literally in a white doily dress held together by transparent mesh.
Peter tries to get to the bottom of Hannah Ann’s lack of love molecules in her genetic makeup and is pleased when Hannah tells him that “you only catch minnows in the shallow.” She prefers to go deep.
Somewhere at a Szechuan Garden Chinese restaurant in Knoxville, Hannah Ann’s headshot is proudly displayed behind the cash register with a plaque that reads, “This month’s fortune cookie message winner!”
Peter appreciates that Hannah Ann is hunting for bigger prey, but he can’t seem to grasp if marriage is what the young model wants. Does she even know what love is at this point? He takes to the courtyard and finds a quiet corner to think, just as his muse Victoria F. taught him to do when he’s overwhelmed.
Hannah Ann senses that her big fish is about to get away. So she runs to him and turns on the waterworks so he will realize just how serious she is about this experience. After a small speech about smiling through the pain of being in a room with nine other girls who love Peter equally, she shares her true feelings. They’ve only spent a collective six hours together, but she knows that she’s falling in love with him.
Is it love she’s feeling? Or the questionable hot dog she ate earlier in the day? Time will tell.
Our bachelor is so pumped that Hannah Ann finally understands what love is and he rewards her discovery with a date rose.
2. Livin La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin
The girls and Pedro gather on a sound stage of a telenovela to prove that none have a future in the on-screen media business. Each is given a role to play and Pedro kisses them all, excluding Kelley, who is dressed as an old lady. Let the record show that even though there are naughty nurses and scantily clad neighbors, Kelley is all about Pedro falling in love with abuela. She even gives herself the title of GILF: Grandma I’d Like To…Fantasy Suite.
Mykenna is not only upset that she has yet to receive a one-on-one, but she’s been given the role of “background maid.” She has the privilege of being in every scene. That way she has a front-row seat to Peter making out with everyone else. She’s so distraught that she packed her bags before the group date, convinced that she was going to go home after.
Things take a turn when the script calls for Peter to realize that love has been in front of him all along in the form of the maid. He dramatically dips Mykenna and kisses her passionately. Mykenna’s attitude flips and she beams with pride. PETER LOVES HER!
Uh, no Mykenna, Pedro loves the maid. It’s called ACTING.
That night at the cocktail party, everyone is dressed to the nines. Mykenna is in a hot pink pant suit. Kelsey is clad in leather. And Natasha even gets to keep her telenovela hair!
Victoria P. whisks Peter away to make sure all is copacetic with “the Alayah issue.” She sits in his lap, giggles a bit about how they hit that silly ole lull, and kisses his hand. Peter does not giggle back, nor does he return the kiss. Victoria senses something is amiss and suggests that they “move forward” and “focus on what’s in front of us” and “their future together.”
She kisses his hand again. And dismisses all of the red flags flying in her face.
Peter begins his soliloquy with, “I don’t want to do anything to hurt you,” which is always followed by some sort of pain. He hems and haws enough for Victoria to interrupt with, “What are you trying to say? Are you saying you don’t want me to be here?”
That’s what he’s saying, Vic. You’re just as surprised as I am.
In a nutshell, Peter doesn’t see The Vick as his future wife. And this HURTS HIM. He apologizes for his lack of lovey dovey feelings.
Vick channels her inner Miss Louisiana, plasters on a smile, and tells him not to worry about her feelings. SHE IS FINE. She is, however, concerned about him and if he’s capable fo making the right decision. PS: “This is the last conversation we will have.”
She then turns to the producers/handlers and asks for a cab. He will NOT be walking her to the rejection vehicle. He will be following her.
Ever the lady, she stand there politely as he moans on about how great she is (she knows) and how wonderful it was to meet her (the feeling is not mutual).
3. Bad Blood by Taylor Swift
Peter tries to forget about dumping Victoria P. by making out with Madison. They break apart mid lip-lock due to the screaming match going on inside the mansion. It seems that Tammy has a problem with Mykenna. And that problem is that Mykenna is a baby child at 22-years-old and can’t possibly know what she wants in life.
Since Tammy is a solid two years older than Mykenna, she gets to give her adult advice like “grow up” and “stop being a BLEEP.”
Mykenna reports this aggressiveness to Peter. He gives the rose to Madison. Everyone goes home exhausted from the drama.
4. I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2
Why yes, this is Victoria F.’s second one-on-one. Did Peter gift her with a second chance because things became so awkward with her ex-boyfriend Chase Rice? You betcha.
What better way to show you care than to crawl under a horse to prove you are calm, cool, and collected? Follow that up with a Chilean rodeo and a barbecue and you’ve got a recipe for love. And meat sweats.
While alone in a cart in the middle of a field, Peter learns that Victoria F. is second guessing a bit. She’s clueless about what she wants and she can’t seem to verbalize her concerns to the one guy who is desperate to know. Things do not progress at dinner. In fact, they go backwards when Peter accuses Vicky of sabotaging their relationship.
Victoria retreats to a dark corner and processes through her emotions with her handler. She’s TRYING but she just DOESN’T KNOW.
I have no idea what she’s trying to do and haven’t a clue what she doesn’t know. What I do know is that I don’t trust her. These indecisive people typically act this way so they can stay a little longer on the show. She couldn’t care less about Peter. Why? Because his name is not Chase Rice.
Victoria claims that “she isn’t ready” and Peter deserves someone who is confident. She’s sad that she can’t figure her own self out and he’s along for the ride as she processes through her emotions. Peter assures Vic that he’s totally fine dealing with her emotions. And he gives her the date rose to prove it.
5. Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J
The dreaded two-on-one date card arrives and no one is surprised by the names written on the piece of paper in girly handwriting: Tammy and Mykenna. The best part was the “enough is enough” tagline.
Mykenna wears a bubble gum pink dress with a cold under boob. She tells Tammy that she will NOT make her feel small and weak anymore. She is strong, proud, and LOVE WILL ALWAYS WIN.
Peter takes Tammy to the couch first. Tammy informs our bachelor that she has been “collecting information” and reports that Mykenna is only here for her brand. It’s hashtag city. Additionally, she packed her bags to go home after the telenovela date. Talk about not being here for the right reasons. Tammy is only saying this so she can protect her “relationship” with Peter.
During her turn, Mykenna reports that Tammy enjoys bringing people down. When Peter asks about the packed bags, our favorite tongue girl reminds Peter that she was having a bad week because not getting a one-on-one hit her hard. But their passionate kiss changed everything and she is ready to get married tomorrow.
Peter sits down between the two fo them, warns that he can’t keep them both at this point, and escorts Tammy out the door. Mykenna is relieved that Peter has just affirmed his feelings for her and begins picking out swatches for her bridesmaid dresses. Her colors will be blush and bashful.
6. Kiss From a Rose by Seal
Along with Victoria F.’s rodeo rose, Hannah Ann’s “falling in love with you” rose, and Madison’s “thank you for being normal” rose, Peter takes great pride in busting up my bracket.
After a loooooong pause, the next rose is bestowed to Kelsey. I guess he considers her a sure thing and wants to keep her around just in case.
Natasha is the next name called and I do this at the TV:
And Kelley’s name is called as the final rose.
Sydney, the girl he shared a little soft-core porn with in the jungle waterfall the day before, gets a token “I enjoyed meeting you” as her good-bye.
Mykenna got a wink and a smile, but it’s okay because she’s more in love with herself than ever before.
I have no idea how this is going to end. And I’m glad I don’t do spoilers because THIS IS SO MUCH FUN! My guess? Kelley doesn’t give him enough to think she’s in this to win this. Also, I don’t think Kelley is in this to win this.
Victoria F. doesn’t like him and is going to go as far as she can to hopefully either score a spot in Paradise or maybe the next bachelorette. Kelsey would marry him tomorrow if he asked. Hannah Ann wants more Instagram followers. There’s no way this girl is ready to be married.
Natasha is just as shocked as the rest of us and HOPEFULLY gets a one-on-one next week. And Madison is the normal one who will accept whatever happens because she’s cool and chill. And probably the virgin.