Bachelor Peter Recap: I Love That
8: Number of denim panties represented in Costa Rica
1: Number of roses handed out NOT at a rose ceremony
22: Number of stitches in Peter the Pilot’s head
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory trainer who’s obsessed with the new Little Women movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Three hours, people. Three hours of emotional crying and unnecessary bleeding, and sailor cursing and Jupiter ascending.
And that’s AFTER Alayah was kicked off the show. Again.
Indeed, after all the impressive melodrama surrounding the once jilted contestant’s road trip to Cleveland, Peter the Pilot proceeds to give Alayah the date rose and then takes it away almost immediately in the opening minutes of this episode.
Alayah falls halfway on her sword, hinting that she would have taken herself out of the race anyway, since the house is full of mean girls. Peter ends up asking if he can walk her out to the rejection SUV. He forgot to ask if she needed a cardigan to cover her boobs.
What are the odds she shows up on Monday night? I’d bet they are high. Third time’s a charm, right?
Peter returns to the women at the cocktail party and assures them that he is 1.) a human who makes mistakes and 2.) please don’t think he’s wishy washy. He then has some alone time with each woman, promising them all that he can see them. And hear them. And they are all super awesome.
At the (first) rose ceremony, roses are given to everyone, excluding Deandra, Savannah, and Kiarra. It’s okay if you don’t know any of those women, because no one does.
After all the girls shout, “LOVE YOU” to the losers, Peter gathers them in a circle so they can toast their next destination. Thanks to the Cleveland announcement, there was quite a dramatic pause after Peter declares, “We’re going to…”
Here’s a list of what was shouted out during this moment at my watching party:
His parents’ house
No one guesses Costa Rica, which is actually where the tribe is headed, according to the handy animated map. Once the group arrives, Peter reflects in an infinity pool as the women all agree that since Alayah is gone, they will finally be rid of drama.
Kiss of death.
Peter arrives outside the women’s jungle suite in a helicopter wearing khaki pedal pushers and boat shoes. He’s also wearing an impressive collection of sterile strips congregating on his forehead. We’ve finally reached the point in this journey when Peter injures himself. But how did it happen?
Our terrible storyteller/bachelor tries to convince the women that a puma crossed his path when he was exploring a volcano like a real man. Five believed him. They were all under 25-years-old.
The truth is that Peter banged his head into a golf cart and slammed a bourbon glass against his forehead at the same time. We were treated to a re-enactment, but it wasn’t as good as security footage of the real thing:
The girls giggle at Peter’s sparkling personality and miraculously avoid commenting on his manpris. He then takes Sydney’s hand and leads her to the helicopter so they can properly explore the volcano in front of them.
Peter is excited to get to know Sydney better. She’s mysterious. She’s not scared to move anywhere in the world, like California. She’s blessed with a diverse family. And she’s the best kisser on the show. Quadruple threat.
Meanwhile, Kelsey is losing it. Depending on who you talk to, she’s emotionally distraught, drunk, a pill popper, or all three. Hannah Ann does a great job nodding along as Kelsey whines about how her boyfriend is dating other people and it’s soooooo haaaaaarrrrrrrddddd to watch.
Champagne-gate is so last month.
Kelsey doesn’t get as much support from Tammy. The woman is tired of the constant crying and wants Kelsey to get over it. She knows exactly what she signed up for (preach) and Tammy thinks Kelsey should suck…it…up. And by the way, what does she have against Sydney anyway?
Kelsey is quick to correct Tammy that she doesn’t have a problem with Sydney. She’s cool. She’s also a BLEEPING BLEEP. (Rhymes with mucking witch.)
This makes all the sense in the world. Tammy leaves Kelsey to drown in her own tears before going to the other girls to complain about how Kelsey has been crying straight for four days.
Tammy: “I don’t think I cried that much when my grandpa died.”
Back at the volcano, Sydney tells Peter that she was raised by a single mom. She’s seen her dad five times in her life and was bullied so much that she had to eat her lunch in the bathroom every day. Thanks to my friend Paula for sending me a picture from Sydney’s yearbook:
It’s called E-X-A-G-E-R-A-T-I-O-N. Sydney is in it to win it!
Peter wants to be Sydney’s rock. He proves this by helping her remove her hot pink what looks like a dress but it really a coverup so things can progress in an aquatic environment. Peter is Sydney’s rock inside the hot tub, outside of the hot tub, on the edge of the hot tub, and every horizontal position known to the copulating world.
1. This is the moment when I worry for Peter’s well-being. Volcano jungle water is bound to have some sort of bacteria in it, right? After the years I’ve clocked watching Grey’s Anatomy, I know that he should not be sloshing around in that filth with an open wound, butterfly strips or not. IT’S A BREEDING GROUND FOR INFECTION, PETER.
2. I’d like to personally thank ABC for the thorough use of the Black Modesty Box and trust they will continue to utilize it’s function in Peter’s future endeavors.
Shiann, Kelsey, Vicky F, Madison, Natasha, Victoria , Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy, and Mykenna
“Let’s capture our love today”
The girls look at the shot list and see that it’s denim panty day in the jungle. Fabulous.
When they arrive at the edge of a waterfall, they are delighted to learn that they will be participating in a Cosmopolitan magazine photoshoot! The March issue no less! From Hannah Ann’s reaction, this is clearly a big deal.
What are we looking for? Confidence, fun, wit, boldness, risks, and representing who you are on camera. And the one who does it best will get to be on the cover with Peter! Hooray! Pick your revealing bikinis, ladies, and get to primping.
The photographer decides that they need to group up for their photoshoots and encourages the girls to “step it up a bit” and “be more dramatic.” This constructive criticism results in things like Victoria F. hardcore making out with Peter as Kelsey and Vicky P. stand there like idiots. The same goes for Tammy and Mykenna as Hannah Ann puts her tongue down Peter’s throat.
Wouldn’t you want to cherish this memorable moment forever?
Victoria F. is deemed the lucky winner. I’m pretty sure Kelsey cried about it while steam protruded from Hannah Ann’s professional model ears. The wardrobe people put Vicks and Pete in matching red bathing suits and make them hardcore make out AGAIN in front of a beautiful waterfall while the other girls watch.
Shortly after the photoshoot aired, Cosmopolitan issued a statement regarding Victoria F. and why they had sense PULLED the cover. You can read all about that HERE.
At the cocktail party that night, the girls were in rare form. They had a lot to talk about in a short amount of time:
Victoria F: Upset that she just turned 26 and is an old maid now.
Hannah Ann: Proud of herself that even though she’s been on a thousand group dates, she gives one-hundred-percent, because she knows that’s what Peter would want her to do.
Kelsey: Apologizes for being weird on group dates and follows that statement up with, “I’m falling in love with you.” She and Peter slow motion kiss for a long time. Not once did he say, “I like that.”
Tammy: Tells Peter that Kelsey had a mental breakdown because of Sydney. She drinks excessively and is struggling a lot.
Peter takes this news and asks Kelsey if she’s off her rocker. She explains the difference between emotional and emotional breakdown. Then she goes to the other women to inquire who exactly told Peter she was knitting with only one needle?
No one responds. Natasha suggests they journal about their hard times. Lexi thinks they should just talk about them. My roommate Lara proposes peppermint oil and prayer. That works about half the time for us.
Additionally, I’d like to point out that Mykenna’s body glitter is undoubtedly all up in Peter’s sterile strips by now. If the volcano jungle water doesn’t take him down, shimmering powder will be the next logical culprit.
Peter walks in and everyone zips it, plastering on innocent smiles. Peter gives the date rose to someone who was super honest. That would be Hannah Ann. Kelsey, the one who professed her love to this man minutes before, tries to hold back the tears. Tammy does not hold back an eye roll.
First of all, Kelley needed to rethink her striped pants. Second of all, Peter thinks their relationship has reached a plateau and needs two Costa Rican shamans to help them through their funk using Jupiter’s energy. Fantastic.
They cleanse, light a few phallic male/female candles, sit in the dirt, and watch as a pendulum swings in the wrong direction. Uh oh. The female is pushing back. What are we going to do? They are totally not on the same level!
The shamans blindfold Kelley and instruct Peter to use his voice to guide her through circles in a maze in order to get to him. Think about the puzzle on the back of a Cheerios box as your visual. Because this is an elementary circle at best, Kelley reaches her man in no time and they kiss because Peter so badly wants to be on the same level as the woman he is clearly attracted to.
But he must get to the bottom of the pendulum swing. What gives, Kelley? Being the normal woman who definitely knits with two needles, Kelley admits that she’s not on the same wavelength as Peter. She compares it to Hannah Ann and how they are two different people in two different places in their lives. (Read: Hannah Ann is a fetus and Kelley is a full-grown woman with a real job.)
Peter balks at this. Probably because he thinks Kelley is comparing him to an immature person who doesn’t have a life. He thinks that their connection could be better and wants to know why she isn’t giving it her all. She needs to give it her all so he won’t look stupid if he picks her in the end and she doesn’t like him that much. JUST CONFESS YOUR LOVE LIKE KELSEY, YOU WEIRDO.
Kelley holds her ground. She tells him that she doesn’t know if she likes this environment and that she has a hard time figuring out her role. But she’s committed to the process. She doesn’t like the way he rewards drama (hallelujah!) because no person who is willing to get married soon would put up with that. Honestly, if he were to propose tomorrow, she’d say no.
Kelley wants someone to be her other half. She wants to be a power couple and desires a mate who can challenge her. It’s who she is and she’s working on it. She promises Peter she will trust the process by giving it her all. He rewards her good behavior with a rose.
Then they get in another collection of volcano jungle water and my stress level raises and the hives return. He’s forehead skin is going to flake off in chunks. I just know it.
Back at the house, Kelsey and Tammy argue again because this is what we do now. Tammy claims that she correctly called Kelsey out for drinking too much, which is countered with, “I was buzzed not wasted.” Tammy is also concerned for Kelsey’s well-being and doesn’t think her actions show that she knows how to cope in a healthy way.
Kelsey begins crying and leaves the room. She fixes her hair, contours her nose, puts on her favorite denim panties, and waltzes to Peter’s place so she can tell him that she does not drink to cope. She easily cries because, remember, SHE LOVES HIM, and she doesn’t want to share her business with the other people. She takes this way more seriously than everyone else combined, gosh darnit.
Peter rewards her behavior with a rose. He just leaves the reflecting pool, wanders over to the ABC Intern, requests a red rose, and gives it to Kelsey. Which means Kelsey has to share this news with the other ladies who are halfway dressed right now, wondering why they are all gathered on the veranda in the precious moments leading up to a rose ceremony.
Kelsey: “Hey, soooo, I had a conversation with Peter. I wasn’t expecting this, but I’m not going to hide it. I addressed my concerns and he gave me a rose. Totally his deal.”
Eleven faces give her death stares.
Mykenna is devastated with a capital D when Our Host Chris Harrison waltzes into the room to tell the primped women that there will NOT be a cocktail party tonight, thanks to Peter’s head wound which is now infected.
This sparks a HUGE fight among a variety of the women. Tammy wants to know if Kelsey said anything to Peter about her during her little jaunt to his place. Kelsey says yes. Mykenna complains that Peter will never know how wonderful she is as a person and then lines the outside of her lips with her tongue to make her point.
Sydney makes sure that everyone knows she would never talk about anyone else during one-on-one time with Peter because that’s just stupid. Then Kelsey’s pill popping and drinking tendencies become a public debate. Kelsey wants the women and the world to know the only pills she pops are Adoral and birth control.
Lexi gets in on the action, irritated that “this stupid fight” is the reason they aren’t having a cocktail party. Also, Kelsey isn’t a drunk. Tammy is just spreading rumors. Vicky P. gets involved and then begs to not be involved as Tammy implores that she’s just looking out for Kelsey and her emotionally unstable ways.
Somehow Sydney and Tammy get into a verbal argument. Tammy calls Sydney a princess diva, which presumably is a title that was passed down from Alayah now that she’s halfway back to Texas. They yell at each other, causing Mckenna’s tongue to work extra hard.
The girls are shepherded into the rose ceremony room. They all line up on the official rose ceremony bleachers. Peter comes out, gives a little speech, and then picks up the first rose of the night.
Tammy: “I’m sorry Peter, can we go somewhere and talk?”
Tammy and Peter hide in a corner. She wants to know if Kelsey said something. She also wants him to know she’s there to focus on her relationship with him. But before Peter can answer, Mykenna steals Peter away from Tammy and has her own time.
Lexi: “I guess I’ll go next since this rose ceremony just turned into a cocktail party.”
Unfortunately, Lexi doesn’t get a chance to talk to Peter alone. She and Shiann are out. Before she exits the building, Shiann warns Peter that some girls are not there for the right reasons.
Make sure to fill out your bracket for THIS WEDNESDAY because we’re doing it all over again!