Bachelor Peter Recap: Final Four
Let me tell you, I had a ball watching The Bachelor last night. Or should I say I had a ball watching the same promo for ten minutes after The Bachelor was over last night. We analyzed hair texture, nail color, outfits, headboards, street scenes, sweaters, footwear, and one silhouette for longer than I thought necessary.
But the best part was the moment where a brunette woman is rolling horizontal on top of Peter on a bed. No amount of well-timed pauses could neither confirm nor deny that this woman was Madison. Some believe she is Victoria F.
I come down in Vicky’s camp, thanks to the gracious amount of side boob present, as well as the healthy derriere. With that said, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ever been wrong when guessing the outcome of this show.
I know I’m jumping ahead and that’s okay. Why? Because not a whole heck of a lot happened during last night’s episode other than Natasha finally getting a one-on-one, Kelley stepping into annoying villain territory, and Peter choosing his final four.
Our favorite animated map shows the little cartoon plane traveling from Chile to Peru. Peter checks in with Mama Babs via video chat. She tells him to not only follow his heart, but to BELIEVE what’s in his heart.
Pete considers this advice as he wanders the cobblestones of Lima, taking in the culture. He stops at a darling street vendor and studies the artwork with intention. Was it a coincidence that one of the pieces was a windmill? I think not.
At the hotel, Madison is over-over-the-moon when she learns she is chosen as the “sure thing” who is gifted with the inaugural date. She needs this, y’all. It’s been forever since she witnessed the Webber’s nuptials twelve days ago. She really wants to know what “this” looks like moving forward and has deep questions for Peter.
When she sees him, she runs and jumps into his arms. Her legs remain straight, in pike position. We call this the chastity Jump and Straddle™. Peter takes Maddie (that’s what we call her now) to fish and when they actually catch one, it’s a celebration worthy of a horizontal make out sesh and a Titanic re-enactment at the bow of the ship. Peter will never let her go!
That night, Maddie wears her favorite red jumper and coats each individual eyelash with its own glob of mascara. Peter leads her into an old historic building where they will have dinner under fake stars. Maddie takes this time to tell Peter that faith is very important to her. She wants someone who has a relationship with the Lord and wants to raise a family in the same way.
Peter responds by affirming Maddie’s faith (“I love that”) and thanks her for being so inspiring. Although he feels like his faith could be stronger and he’s done things he’s not necessarily proud of, faith is something that is important to him. PS: He’s falling in love with her.
Maddison hears this answer and convinces herself that Peter is as white as the driven snow and allows herself to fall deeply right there at the dinner table. He gives her the date rose and then they make out against a brick wall.
This surprised no one. We knew Madison was a given. When Natasha’s name is called out as the recipient of the second one-on-one, I hesitate. She deserves a one-on-one, sure, but there’s no way their relationship has advanced more than the other five girls.
Of course, I thought that last week, too, and Natasha is still here.
Natasha greets Peter with a normal Jump and Straddle™. She got rid of her holiday hair from Chile and opts for a more natural look. She is adorable and soooooo not into Peter. It’s obvious. But she plays along anyway.
Peter freaks out when he sees a vendor selling the same dessert his grandma used to make. He purchases a bowl and shoves a spoonful down Natasha’s mouth. She does a great job pretending to be as enthusiastic about snozberries as her escort. They Lady and the Tramp a mini corndog after that.
A group of dancers/tumblers invade the town square and force our lovebirds to join them in a cultural celebration. It was the Peruvian version of CHEER. I hope Lima Jerry makes mat. Peter thanks Natasha for having “more sides than any woman here” which is technically a compliment.
That night at dinner, I become mesmerized by Natasha’s fluffy polkadot sleeves. Peter lets her take one sip of her margarita before letting her down easy. He tries to get her to say there’s no spark, but she makes him do it. He plays the friendship card while holding the rose that he will not give her at the end of his speech.
Natasha: “I hope you find what you’re looking for. I know I will.”
HERE’S HOPING IT’S A TRIP TO BACHELOR IN PARADISE!
Somber walkaway music begins to play. Natasha zips away in the rejection SUV and Peter takes her rose and follows the sound of a stringed orchestra. As he looks over the balcony, he reminisces about his time with Natasha. All seven minutes. It was very Evita without the singing.
Note: Some believe Peter pulled a Mesnick at this moment. There was discussion at my watch party, but I don’t believe it was an actual Mesnick because of the lack of tears and/or angst. I am willing to label it a Pseudo Mesnick or Mesnick-adjacent since so many of you feel passionate about any bachelor contestant standing near a balcony.
We’re impacting pop culture, people. I love it so much!
The final one-on-one goes to Kelsey and home girl nearly bowls Peter to the ground with her downhill Jump and Straddle™. She was coming in hot! Peter takes her riding around on ATVs with GoPros attached at unfortunate angles. They point out horses and goats to each other. Then Peter suggests they run up a very steep incline to the top of the mountain.
They didn’t reach the summit but they did reach the Orange Zone. Collapsing onto the ground, Peter selects this time to ask Kelsey about how she envisions her future family. Between gasps for air and puffing on an inhaler, Kelsey spits out that she wants to work a few days a week but also stay home with the children. Once her oxygen levels stabilize, she mounts Peter for some mountain kissing.
At dinner, Kelsey is nervous to tell Peter that even though she told him that she hadn’t seen her father for a decade during their firework date, she did see him before she left for the show and guess what? Her mom doesn’t know. Could he keep this on the down low should he find himself visiting Iowa in the next week or two?
Peter finds her inspiring, just like Madison. He loves that. He’s so impressed that her view of love hasn’t been tainted by dumb old divorce or an absent father. He appreciates that their relationship is all “their own.” I don’t know what this means, but Kelsey seems pretty stoked to hear it.
He gives her a rose and they make out on a light fixture pole like Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain. This did not surprise me. Kelsey has told him no less than four times that she loves him and he has to keep her as an option, should the others opt out of this journey.
Now we have Hannah Ann, Victoria, and Kelley for a dreaded two-on-one date. Kelley is super duper annoyed that Hannah Ann is still in the picture. Shouldn’t she be back for spring classes by now? To quote my friend Stephanie, “Kelley’s mood stabilizers are definitely wearing off.”
The trio arrives at a vineyard and have an awkward broken English conversation with the owner and Peter. When Peter asks Hannah Ann for some alone time, Kelley lays down on the wicker outdoor couch to take a little siesta. I’ve never seen anyone so ready to leave in my entirety of watching this show.
Hannah Ann uses her time wisely by first crying invisible tears and second, reading a note with the title “Things I Love About You” out loud. It was eighteen pages. Front and back. I should note that the “I” in “things” was dotted with a heart and the word “dorkiness” was misspelled.
Kelley tells Peter how ticked off she is during her alone time. She was the only woman who didn’t get a second one-on-one. Peter brushes this off and asks Kelley if she thinks this journey is anything but fun? Kelley answers with the vague, “I have nothing to hide. Come at me with anything.” Then she kisses him for a well-timed distraction.
Victoria takes a different tactic by both melting down and insulting Peter in one fail swoop. She tells him that he’s in a mood and then he questions her for “attacking” him. He has reason to doubt and he needs her to give him a reason NOT to. She responds with her two favorite phrases, “I don’t know” and “It’s just too hard.”
Peter struts back to Kelley’s siesta wicker outdoor couch and informs the women that he doesn’t need a dinner that night to decide who is staying and who is leaving. He takes Victoria’s hand, picks up a rose, and STEERS HER TOWARD A REJECTION SUV as she mutters, “I don’t want to go” over and over again.
He tells her he wants to continue this journey and they hug. This is not a rejection SUV. It’s a Peruvian Uber to the hotel. Peter is such a scoundrel.
As he walks back again down the familiar path to Kelley’s siesta wicker outdoor couch, both girls notice that he is sans rose. Kelley wisely deduces that either she or Hannah Ann is about to get dumped. Spoiler: It’s Kelley. He walks her to the rejection SUV as Hannah Ann sobs in her hands. It was the first time she almost didn’t win something and the pressure was tremendous. This is the adrenaline that comes from a dodged bullet.
Kelley has a sour attitude about the entire ordeal, but is ready to get back to billable hours. And a bed that has a mattress.
Peter escorts Hannah Ann back to the hotel and when they enter, Madison is overjoyed to see her BFF back in the fold. Victoria appears excited, too, but Kelsey is the only one who visibly indicates that embracing another girl and professing excitement that they are back is hella weird.
We end with Peter telling the camera that he could marry any of the four women remaining. However, he has to get rid of one next week. Who will it be? NO SPOILERS!!!