Women Tell All is a strange phenomenon of a show. One might surmise that a DVR which touts 120-minuets of ladies sharing all the things is television just begging to be watched. One might be wrong. 

The good news is that the producers set the bar really high with a theatrical rose ceremony worthy of our time and hearty helping of champagne. Is Madison going to join her fellow contestants at the Home Depot pillar? Or will she traipse off into the shire looking for lords and rings? 

No one knows. Certainly not Peter. The bachelor wipes his snotty nose and hiccups like a toddler who has just been denied a second cookie when Our Host Chris Harrison whispers an ominous, “Have you seen her since she walked away after learning you had been intimate with other women?” 

The true travesty here is the b-roll footage of Hannah Ann choosing her favorite silver fringed flapper dress and glossing her lips for optimum network shimmer. And then there’s Victoria who chooses a clingy, white satin, shift dress that would only look good on a body like hers. 

My point? Peter’s meltdown is a flashing neon sign that this guy is in love with Madison. 

My other point? Peter’s relieved reaction as Madi walks up looking killer in a red dress is a one way ticket for anyone else vying for his love back to the mother country. 

The first rose goes to Hannah Ann. Again, she’s a sure thing. She’s safe. And he knows that life with her will be pleasant until they both decide to go their separate ways after they open a club in Vegas and make an appearance on Dancing with the Stars. 

When he asks Madison if she will accept the second rose, Peter follows her lackluster “yeah” with an “are you sure?”

No, Peter. She’s not sure. She conflicted. She said she was going to walk, yet she didn’t and now she’s one step closer to being the future Mrs. The Pilot. 

Victoria walks away with Peter to sit on the traveling bench, even though her dress is not built necessarily for sitting. He explains that everything was real, but his heart was further along with the girl who smiles all the time and the girl who doesn’t believe in fantasy suites. 

Victoria is indifferent. There were a few tears spilling down her cheeks as the declaration “it is what it is” issued forth from her mouth twice. 

The scene switches to the women telling all sorts of things and at the same time telling us nothing. I sifted through the thirty minutes of indiscernible bickering in order to briefly recap what we learned:

• Sydney prides herself on being a good judge of character and still believes that something is fake about Alayah. 
• Alayah admits that she’s obnoxious and loud all the time. Shouldn’t that cancel out her fakeness? She’s also very Liza with a Z in her black sequined jumpsuit. 
• Kelsey never said she wasn’t sober. She also admits that she handled Champagne-gate irrationally. 
• Because Kelsey is making crying cool again, Ashley I-Lashes presents her with a big bottle of champagne as a thank you for representing the emotional girls out there. Kelsey cries at the gesture. 
• Tammy: “We were all swapping saliva with the same guy. Of course it’s my business.”
• Kiarra knows that Mykenna is truly annoying because she’s a nanny and witnesses this behavior all the time.
• Tammy claims Mykenna “spread her legs” every time a camera showed up. Mykenna counters with an invitation for Tammy to come to Canada where they treat people with kindness and respect. It was a legitimate Canadian burn if you think about it.
• The new show “Listen to Your Heart” is undoubtedly going to be a hot mess of minor chords served on sheet music. I will be watching.
• Kelley and Natasha are absent from the panel. They were (allegedly) not invited to participate in Women Tell All which seems weird. 
• Victoria wears her favorite crimson red power suit, proving that she is a professional former contestant. She forgets the blouse and has her tailor trim the pants into shorts. Ann Taylor would be so proud. She actually communicates well, owns up to her shortcomings, and keeps her distance during the catty moments of the show. Someone is poised for Paradise. 
• Victoria would like for you to know that the rumors about her being a home wrecker are untrue. 
• Peter claims he made a lot of mistakes during his season. He has learned from them and vows to be a stronger man as a result. 
• Rachel Lindsay addresses the viewing audience about online bullying and how lines have been crossed. The things that people say are awful and it made me uncomfortable. I think that was the point. 
• Our Host Chris Harrison hints multiple times that no one (EVEN PETER) knows how this season ends. 

So how does the season end? We have Peter standing at the Home Depot pedestal in that sandy colored suit as Our Host tells him “we’ve just learned this news.” We also see him in a hallway tearfully relaying that he is “so so sorry” to someone. I believe he’s in the same shirts as the one where his mother begs him to not let “her” go. 

We can assume that there is no rose ceremony, based on the clues that no one knows what’s going to happen. UNLESS Peter gives someone a rose and they say they’ll think about it and share her answer on live television.

But let’s say there’s not a rose ceremony. Do you think he bids Hannah Ann adieu in the hallway, only to learn later that Madison doesn’t want to participate in a rose ceremony? Or does Madison high tail it out of Australia before any of this takes place? 

And what’s going to happen during After the Final Rose? Does Peter make a decision? Or does someone come back to give their relationship a shot when it’s easier to navigate such things in the public eye? (#sarcasm)

Could it be a heads or tails thing where Peter flips a coin? Is Kelley pregnant and does she phone a friend (read: Harrison) to tell him she is in a delicate form? Does Hannah Ann leave on her own accord because she knows she won’t be chosen based on Peter’s obvious affection for her gal pal Madison? 

In one week, all the questions will be answered!