The Bachelor Recap: Bumper and Grind

The Bachelor Recap: Season 22, Episode 2

The producers over at The Bachelor are not messing around. All caution has been thrown to the wind. They are taking the road less traveled. We have gone off the deep end and up is officially down. UP IS THE NEW DOWN, PEOPLE!!!

How else can you explain the uncharacteristic behavior of this season? Let’s take the fact that Arie is an oldie but goodie from five years ago. Choosing him as the official rose giver was as non-traditional as the day is long. But to have two back-to-back one-on-one dates? Inconceivable. And a visit from Uncle Neil’s valet and a trip to Scottsdale to meet the Luyendyks? Unbelievable.

Thank goodness we have Our Host Chris Harrison as a fixed presence in this thing we call The Bachelor. He’s as constant as Juan Pablo muttering, “Eet’s okay” or Arie stammering, “You know what I mean?”

We can count on Harrison to be unwavering, resolute, and always devoted even in this new world of willy nilly casting. He’s a hunk of a man who clinks champagne flutes, doles out wise advice to flailing bachelors, announces the final rose, and drops date cards hidden in the back pocket of his tailored jeans with the savvy of a thousand Timberlakes.

And he’ll do so smelling of raw wood, motor oil, and mischief.

As long as Our Host is around to steady the ship, we should be fine. The day someone else walks down the freshly sprayed driveway in an ill-fitted suit to introduce a b-roll package about a girl who just wants to find love at 23-years-old is the day we all boycott this screwball phenomenon we all love to hate.

Who’s with me?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStories happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Orange Theory workout chick who obsessed with Princess Margaret or The Crown and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

We begin episode two with a clear shot of Bekah’s nips. She’s young and spunky and has no reason to even consider wearing a bra since her boobs are located exactly where they should be. Harrison commands the sunken living room using a lovely baritone to garner the attention of a roomful of women laughing ecstatically at every sentence that comes out of his mouth. He drops the date card and manages to escape the cool front that comes in after it is announced that the Minnesota Publicist Becca K. is the recipient of the first one-on-one date.

Arie arrives to collect her, wearing a maroon leather version of a Member’s Only jacket. He zips her up into his spare jacket while the other girls seethe. Becca waves a genuine good-bye, holds on tight to the stud in front of her, and talks to him the entire time they are barreling down the highway, although he can’t hear a word she’s saying.

Meanwhile, Chelsea manages not to unhinge her jaw and swallow anyone whole. Instead of pouting that she didn’t get the first one-on-one, even though she WAS the recipient of the first impression rose, she chooses to dip into a little psychological warfare with the other girls. Krystal bolts the opposite direction and harps on the fact that motorcycles are very dangerous and she once knew someone who lost a limb. She appeared extremely shocked when one of the brown haired girls told her, “Then it’s probably good that you weren’t on this date.”

via GIPHY

Arie and Becca arrive at the house designated for the bachelor and dine on champagne and edibles dipped in a chocolate fountain. Rachel Zoe shows up and I would bet Chris Harrison’s tie and cufflink collection that Becca has no clue who this woman is, yet she knows she’s supposed to know who this woman is standing before her in a sequins jacket plucked from a wardrobe vault from 1992.

Becca does a great job of feigning adoration and drinks the entire vat of Kool-Aid when Zoe invites her to choose from a selection of Zoe originals to wear to a romantic dinner with Arie that night. She tries on every dress, which is made from metallic lamé or metallic sequins, and parades her banging body in front of Arie while he eats lobster.

Arie chooses his favorite, which is the slinkiest one that resembles a slip, before suggesting that Becca take ALL of the dresses home with her. Sweet Becca is in shock and does a little dance, knowing that her rose ceremony dress selections just doubled.

And if that wasn’t enough, Arie gets down on one knee and asks Becca every question a girl wants to hear: “Would you like this pair of Christian Louboutin Escarpic Spike pumps that cost more than my Harley Davidson?” Becca utters a shaky, “YES” and slips her toes into the suede.

Oh Arie’s not done. As if on cue, a swarthy representative from Neil Lane’s household presents Becca with a collection of diamonds. There’s a necklace, a bracelet, some earrings, so much bling! Arie gushes that Becca can keep it all and Becca is so PUMPED that she dismisses the uneasiness she feels in her stomach when Arie insists on poking the diamond dangle through her ear hole.

Arie totally leans in for the kiss and Becca denies him. I don’t think she was being coy. I just think she was nervous. Becca is one of the most, if not the most, normal one of the group, which makes her stick out like a sore thumb. Arie is patient, smooth, and finally seals the deal when he caresses the two karats hanging from her lobes. His hands make their way to her hair and Becca is done. The pheromones have officially overpowered her discomfort and Arie’s pillow lips have ruined her for any other kiss she will ever receive.

Because Mike Fleiss is an evil genius, he piles all of Becca’s treasures in 14 handled bags and makes her teeter into the sunken living room in her gorgeous lubes, dripping in diamonds. All of the blondes are sooooooo jealous. Annaliese flirts with crying because this stupid moment feels like a bridal shower from hell.

That night, the silver fox matches his Mr. Rogers sweater to his hair. The looks works and he and Becca dine on nothing since their plates full of food are never touched. Becca asks if Arie can “fix her brakes.” Because my mind is constantly in the gutter while watching this show, I thought this was a euphemism for something dirty, so I took to the Google to figure it out. Urban Dictionary to the rescue!

It turns out, Becca legitimately needs her brakes fixed and thinks it’s sooooo manly that Arie can do that for her. #ditto

Back at the mansion, the other girls quiz Brittany on Arie’s kissing abilities. Pixie Bekah quickly points out that Chelsea did a little kissing, too, but the single mom does not snog and tell. No one even tries to disguise their eye rolls, but all squeal with glee when the doorbell rings signifying another date card.

Everyone is completely S-H-O-C-K-E-D when Krystal’s name is called for another one-on-one. She “does her best” to keep the giddiness in check, but “her best” is the definition of gloating. The girls hate her.

Across town, Arie listens as Becca, 27, talks about her previous relationship that lasted seven years. One can’t be sure, but I bet the guy passed her a note in study hall asking if she would check yes or no. Then she shares that her dad passed away from brain cancer. She got through it with her mom and sister, whom she loves. Arie gets weirded out by all the emotional talk, so he wraps up the small talk by asking Becca if she will accept his rose, and his tongue. She agrees to both.

First, I’m confident that Arie smelled her hair. Second, Arie giggles and tells her that he really likes kissing her. Third, he said it feels like the beginning of a relationship.

Do not count Becca out, reader. She’s a strong contender with a shiny wardrobe.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Krystal
Home Is Where The Heart Is

Krystal comes down stairs wearing a grey tank and distressed jeans. Arie picks her up and drives her to an airport, where they hop a plane to go visit Arie’s home town. In her most sultry baby voice, Krystal tells the camera that she feels super special since Arie chose her to see what it would be like if they lived in the same town. This must be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

He points out the willow tree where he had his first kiss. They visit his old high school. He takes her to his house, where she mentally starts redecorating the living room. He shows her his collection of white shirts in the closet and his row of helmets. After, they flip through his baby photo album and watch a few home movies that he has apparently never seen before, based on his reactions.

Well done, ABC Intern.

Then Arie takes Krystal to his parents’ house. Just as I was contemplating if Krystal wished she wore something a little less casual, I was metaphorically slapped in the face by Krystal sitting beside Arie’s mom.

They are the same person, just thirty years apart. Exhibit A:

Bachelor Arie Recap

I have no idea what anyone was saying. I kept staring at the resemblance. Then I considered researching if there is a term, or a disorder, for a guy who is attracted to women who resemble his mother. Surely Freud had something to say about this, right?

Krystal’s voice jerked me right out of that haze. I’m concerned for her. Does she have nodes? I hear the key is early diagnosis. Hopefully she’ll make the courageous decision to have that taken care of during Spring Break.

That night, Krystal greets Arie in a dress she should have worn to meet the mom…HOLD UP. Nope. Strike that. Reverse it. This is not a dress. This is a small tunic at best. I’ve never seen anything so short in my entire life. Her bare butt has to be touching the chair right now. I’m literally mesmerized by this feat of engineering. How is it staying put? Did she double side tape the hem?

Once again, Krystal’s voice pulled me from that mental rabbit trail. I tuned in to her talking about her family. In a nutshell, Krystal didn’t have a great life growing up. Her dad was MIA, and her mom wasn’t the most maternal. Krystal tried her best to take care of her little brother, but was shocked to learn one day that he was living on the street. Her story was tragic. Her tears were invisible.

Arie validates Krystal over and over and over again before giving her the rose. Then he leads her to another room in this beautiful abandoned hotel (?) where singer/songwriter Connor Duermit waits to serenade them with his single “Never Letting Go.

If Fleiss is looking for a fresh, new bachelor…

Krystal lifts her arms to slide them around Arie’s neck and my entire viewing party shouted interjections:

  • “WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE HER BARE BUTT!”
  • “My eyes! MY EYES!!!”
  • “Y’all, it’s literally a tunic. I can’t believe she’s wearing a tunic as a dress.”
  • “I just Googled Connor Duermit. He’s good looking.”
  • “They aren’t leaving any room for the Holy Spirit.”
  • “Why are they swaying like that?”
  • “SERIOUSLY. WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE HER BUTT. There’s no way around it.”

I guess that’s what Black Modesty Boxes™ are for.

The next morning, all the girls gather around Krystal so they can hear about the date. She sort of hints that they went to Scottsdale, but then refrains from divulging anything else. Everyone immediately thinks she’s shady. Mostly because Bibiana tells them this behavior was shady, but I’m sure the young ones would have gotten there eventually.

GROUP DATE
“Let’s Hit Love Head On”
Marikh
Maquel
Tia
Valerie
Annaliese
Lauren G.
Kendall
Pixie Bekah
Jenny
Seinne
Jenna
Caroline
Brittany
Bibianna
Chelsea

That’s fifteen girls, all in tiny tanks and lycra, on one date. One date that consists of ramming one car into the other girls’ cars. This should be fun.

Arie shows up in the demolition derby arena doing some donuts in his car and a little faraway eye flirting with the girls. He hops out of his ride’s window like Bo Duke and explains the rules to the girls. If your car stops running, you’re out. Then he gives them a bunch of spray paint so they can decorate their cars with flowers, dots, and suggestive slurs before he checks out Bekah’s teeny tiny shorts.

The range of enthusiasm varied. The Bibs calls everyone b!tches and laughs at the fact that she doesn’t have a license. Scary. Tia claims this date reeks of “redneck sh!t” and can’t wait to eff things up. Classy. Biblical Bekah has a prophesy that someone will cry. Cue the camera panning over to a weeping Annaliese.

Poor girl. She must have lost someone in her life to a car crash or something. This is Emily Maynard all over again. Remember when Hotter Than Crap Brad Womack made her ride in a race car?

Just like Unsolved Mysteries, the ABC producers walk us through a flashback, recreating the horrific acts that have rendered Annaliese useless. But instead of a tragedy, the scene morphs into a black and white recreation of a faceless kid riding around in bumper cars with the signature circus music playing in the background. Anna had a no good very bad day on a bumper car once.

I didn’t even have time to salute the forward thinking it took for the ABC Intern to procure a legitimate bumper car arena at an authentic parking lot circus. I was too busy waiting for the punchline. Did Annaliese get run over by a bumper car? Did someone knock her so hard she suffered from a concussion? Was she severely shocked by the electrical current running through the system?

Nope. Her car was trapped in a corner.

Now, according to a Tweet from Our Host Chris Harrison, we need to be sensitive to bumper car trauma …

I’m not going to make fun of Anna for sobbing huge tears because she was in somewhat of a gridlock situation as a young child. That would be rude. I’m not going to poke fun of her for feeling what she felt. I’m going to let Jenny do that and watch as the chips fall where they may.

Jenny: I can’t believe she’s crying because of bumper cars. I could care less. I’m going to give her further trauma.

The joke’s on Jenny, because Arie went all chivalrous on the situation and vowed to put his car between Annaliese and anyone who dares ram her from behind. And it would have worked, too, if Brittany hadn’t taken Arie’s car out in the first coupe of minutes.

The crews shoot the quintessential slow motion walk from the dressing room to the course. All the women are in unflattering red coveralls, but they are allowed to let their hair down so the wind can catch it. Arie puts all fifteen helmets on all fifteen heads and then wishes all fifteen women good luck.

Bibs flips people off. Bekah K’s energy is off the charts. Harrison color commentates, and Anna is still crying. Let’s do this.

Ten minutes later, Seinne, who we’ve barely seen on screen, wins the race. She hops on top of her car, chugs her milk like a champ, and hugs Arie. On to the after party!

The girls hobble slowly into the room, nursing strained muscles and whiplash. Poor Brittany doesn’t even make it to the festivities. That’s weak sauce, Brit. Do you think Chelsea would let a few cracked ribs keep her from stealing Arie away first after the celebratory toast? No she would not.

Rocking his third purple ensemble, Arie takes a seat on the hearth of what I will call “the make out fireplace.” He parks it here for the remainder of the night as the girls tag team in and out for some alone time.

Chelsea apologizes for being mysterious before telling Arie about her son. Arie has no problem with being a step-dad and embraces the thought of a little whipper snapper. He licks his lips to make them better and then goes in for the kiss. There was clear and present tongue.

Princess Jasmine finds her voice and calls Chelsea out for claiming she gave up more to come on the show than everyone else. Because a restaurant your mom runs and raising a child are the same thing.

Back at the make out fireplace, Sienne mentions a little known fact that she is a Yale graduate, but it’s no big deal. She’s also traveled the world, is beautiful, and confident in an attractive way. Arie kisses her, because that’s his default, but it’s clear that he is intimidated by the fact that this woman is the real deal. It wouldn’t surprise me if she doesn’t last much longer, which is a shame. Sienne has bolted up the ranks in my opinion.

I should also point out that The Bibs is highly irritated by the fact that she hasn’t had any alone time with Arie. As the alcohol flows freely, and the girls hover around the bachelor like vultures, our resident hot tamale from Miami becomes more and more agitated. Her nerves are so frazzled that she refuses to even try and meet with him because she’s in such a bad mood.

Someone is overtired. Or hangry.

You know who isn’t overtired or hangry? Bekah. She’s a fetus who can dine on sugar water and function on two hours of sleep at night. She’s about as energetic as ever when she meets up with Arie at the hearth. His demeanor immediately changes as he whispers sweet nothings into her ear, like, “Who’s your barber?”

Talk is cheap with these two and it doesn’t matter that he has no hair to grab on Bekah’s head. Their chemistry is so off the charts that they don’t even talk anymore when they are alone. These two make out for a solid thirty seconds with nothing but tongues darting in and out with the smooth beat of a Cinemax After Dark playlist bumping in the background.

Alas, Sienne gets the rose. Chelsea is livid. Bibs is frustrated. And Bekah finds solace laying her head down in someone’s lap like a child.

ROSE CEREMONY
Arie’s first order of business is to check on Brittany. Her neck may be a little sensitive thanks to the whiplash, but nothing can stop her from displaying the ladies loud and proud.

He ditches Brit for Bekah. He admits that he didn’t know if she was into him until that epic kiss the night before. They close talk for two minutes before they go at it again. He likes that she’s bold, energetic, and charismatic. She promises to be simple, with no drama, and easy to please. He rewards this statement with a quick make out sesh against a brick wall.

I know. Some of you are wondering why that moment wasn’t recorded in all caps. I think it’s because we didn’t see the lead up to the brick wall moment. We were just there. I like my brick wall with a little tease. Is that so bad?

Newsflash: The Bibs is still upset she hasn’t scored any alone time.

Krystal interrupts Arie’s time with Lauren B. (I know, who?) because she came here to connect with Arie and it doesn’t’ matter that she already has a rose. Duh. The best part about this entire scenario is that she greeted the bachelor, as he’s still holding hands with LB, with a node-infused “Hiiiiiiiiiii Babyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

Kendall breaks out a seal, which Arie thinks is an otter, and later shows him a fruit bat in formaldehyde. Bless. Her. Heart.

Princess Jasmine plays Truth or Dare and asks Arie the color of his underwear. You’d think she would have come up with something a little more creative since she’s like a shooting star that’s come so far and she can’t really go back to where she used to be.

Newsflash: The Bibs finally got her alone time, but was interrupted by Krystal. You know, Node Girl who already has a rose AND already had some alone time with Arie.

Allow me to transcribe the conversation that went down after Krystal returns to the living room:

Bibs: You have a lot of balls coming to sit down by me.
KK: Whatever do you mean?

Bibs: You already have a rose and you already talked to him and you interrupt ME?
KK: But I asked you if it was okay.

Bibs: I’m sorry. When you can learn to speak to me like a normal human being, and not in a fake tone, then we can have a conversation.
Lincee: SHE HAS THE NODES.
KK: Look, we are in a situation…

Bibs: You have to be kidding me! Stop talking!
KK: But I have a connection with him. And I checked with you before I sat down.

Bibs: CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CHECK OTHER PEOPLE.
KK: I don’t want to upset you or anyone else.
Lincee: That train has left the track, nodes.

Bibs: No one is going to respect you in this house after what you just did. I lot of people feel this way. I’m just the voice. MIC DROP.
Lincee: Is mic drop still a thing?

Our Host Chris Harrison walks in with a fabulous purple tie from his collection. Sadly, he didn’t confirm that Arie wouldn’t be wearing the exact same tie that night, so he’s forced to pretend that he thinks “twinkies” as dudes is acceptable in his world. It isn’t.

Roses go to:
Krystal
Becca
Seinne
Maquel
Jacqueline
Bekah M
Jenna
Chelsea
Lauren S.
Tia
Annaliese
Lauren B.
Kendall
Brittany
Ashley
Princess Jasmine
Caroline
The Bibs

Interesting. I think Maquel said one sentence, Jacqueline was brooding and mentally taking notes, Caroline sat around looking pretty, and Lauren S. handed Arie his drink during the cocktail party. Poor Valerie could have been a figment of my imagination and I wasn’t expecting the other Lauren to get the boot so soon. But Jenny’s awful words about Annaliese came back to haunt her.

She tries to be dramatic by walking out without giving Arie the time of day. He runs her down and demands a hug, but she wants a reason for her dismissal. Something more than “I don’t know your name” or “Your waist is too tiny for me.” Poor Jenny admits that she’s experiencing heartbreak for the first time. At 25, I think she’s sad that she has to leave the other blondes and probably won’t have a social media career in her future since she was kicked out on week two.

Arie asks for one more hug, which she gives him without using her arms, and he about faces to go and drink it up with the remaining ladies. He doesn’t have time for her nonsense. There’s so many more faces to kiss and not a lot of time to do it.

What did you think of this episode? Who are your favorites? Can you believe Krystal met Arie’s mom already? And how old do you think Pixie Bekah is? Sound off in the comments!

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