Bachelor Recap: Black Eyed Tease
Welcome back readers. How is everyone feeling today? Any unexplainable shiners that appeared out of thin air? Did someone force you to face a fear and take a leap of faith in the name of love lately? No? We’re all good? Fabulous.
I’d like to take this time and thank the wonderful folks over at the American Red Cross for hosting such a fun even in Dallas this past weekend. They were nice enough to give me a signed Bachelor tote from none other than Hotter Than Crap Brad. Check back on Thursday or Friday for your chance to enter a super cool contest to win said Bachelor tote. I’ll also give you a play-by-play on the event the wonder that is Brian Westendorf.
If you are interested in watching my AOL video post from this morning, the link is here! I had exactly 10 minutes to prepare. Let’s keep that in mind while watching please!
Now let’s talk Bachelor!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who often purchases the Chick-fil-A cow calendars and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Last night’s episode began with Michelle (surprise, surprise) staring at herself in the mirror. We assume that she was plucking that pesky hair from the mole that grows on her face, but then remember from last week’s spoilers that she is wallowing in self pity from the inconvenience of a black eye.
I was eager to learn the juicy details. Did Chantal O. finally take one for the team and sucker punch Michelle? What was it that made Chantal crack? Was it one too many sign language fireworks signs from Michelle? Did she throw the wrong gang sign and Chantal just couldn’t handle it anymore? Will there be hair pulling in the footage?
Sadly, Michelle claims that stress has caused her black eye. She dares the Bachelor to not give her a one-on-one date, because who else deserves it more than she does?
The ladies gather in the sunken living room. Our Host Chris Harrison walks through the door and greets the house with a big smile. He heads over to the coat closet and exchanges his corduroy sports jacket with elbow patches for an old man gray cardigan. He waxes on about it being a beautiful day in the mansion, asking every person he passes to be his neighbor. He relaxes in a brown, pleather barcalounger, trading his Ferragamos for a respectable pair of Sperry top siders. The Trolley shows up with the date card and Harrison places it on the table before following the Trolley back to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe where tea and crumpets await with that creepy Lady Fairchild puppet.
The red head has negotiated screen time and is allowed to read the date card.
One-On-One Date One
“How Deep Is Your Love?”
Those watching who were born before 1980 begin to hum the melodic and harmonic tunes of the brothers Gibb. We recall Robin’s clear vibrato and Barry’s signature falsetto and feel sad that we can’t ever remember the name of the other one. We want to tell these young girls in their sports bras and Pilates pants that most songs from the Saturday Night Fever LP are way better than anything Justin Bieber could come up with. We choose to omit the fact that we already have pre-purchased tickets to see Never Say Never and “Baby” is currently playing on the iPod.
Brad strolls into the sunken living room, wonders why there’s a barcalounger in the middle of the semi-circle seating area and greets Chantal with a hug and a kiss. He notices Michelle’s black eye and becomes a little suspicious. Or aroused. One can’t be too sure.
Michelle plays the “I’m okay…just a little confused” card as Brad scans the audience for broken nails and torn knuckle flesh. Soon, the familiar sound of an incoming helicopter fills the air with excitement and jealousy. Chantal thinks it’s the coolest thing ever to have her date pick her up in a helicopter. We remind Chantal that Brad neither came up with this idea, nor is piloting the craft and PS: we’ve done this too many times on the Bachelor for this to even register anywhere in the Richter Scale of cool.
I guess that’s why ABC decided to use a magical, color-changing helicopter to see if the viewers back at home were paying attention. It was like the horse in the Wizard of Oz that started out white and ended up magenta, turquoise and yellow when Dorothy got to the Emerald City. Perhaps Brad can ask the Wizard for a personality. Or maybe he can get Harrison’s mojo back. Either would make for a more enjoyable season.
Chantal reminds us that she married and divorced her high school sweetheart and the feelings she has for Brad are scary. She waves at the girls down below, attempts to hawk a massive loogie on Michelle’s head and snuggles in to the crook of Brad’s arm as they tell each other how amazing and awesome this date is going to be.
Chantal: “I am super excited. I’ve never been to Catalina. I hope Brad has a day of island romance planned. As long as we don’t get in the deep water of the ocean, I’ll be okay.”
Brad takes Chantal to the deep water of the ocean where she is not okay. In fact, she is so nervous that she only manages to speak in text message language.
Brad: “Guess what we’re about to do?”
Chantal: “OMG ???”
Brad: “We’re going to walk on the ocean floor! In these awkward 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea outfits. And I’m going to kiss you through the helmet. Isn’t that awesome? Please tell me you think it’s awesome. Please. Are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay.”
Brad: “No more drinking until the break of dawn or action-packed dates that take place on deserted studio lots in East L.A. It’s time to get out of the real world we’ve been living in for the past 10 days.”
Chantal: “LOL. I <3 H20.”
Brad: “Chantal. Please. I’m sorry, but you are speaking in code. Thank you for coming with me, but I am confused as to what you want and Dr. Jaime is unreachable when we are this far out to sea. Are you fearful of what’s in store for you in the fathoms below?”
Boat Captain: “Sir. We’re about a mile from shore. You’ll be diving in some pretty shallow water. I think your girlfriend can handle the dive. It costs more to rent the 20,000 League Under the Sea suits than the rest of the date combined. She’ll be fine. If she panics, just tell her to stand up.”
Chantal faces her fear of deep-end-of-the-neighborhood-pool-depth water in order to prove to Brad that she is willing to take changes for him. They walk hand and hand on the ocean floor. In was extremely uneventful. Someone should have let the ABC intern do a test run before we wasted a solid 15 minutes on murky water and wispy bits of seaweed. I spied one pitiful little fish.
Chantal thanks Brad who thanks her back and compares the diving experience to the act of love. I blocked out the specific metaphor, but you get the drift. Chantal takes a few minutes to mentally design her wedding invitations before declaring that she could be “Chantal Womack” in the near future.
I don’t know. I think Chantal Pickelsimer has a fabulous ring to it.
The ABC intern is back on his game with the fancy dinner setup on the beach. There are billowy curtains, a bonfire, a comfy futon and freely flowing champagne. Brad asks about the ex. Chantal is quick and to the point with her answer, concluding that all she ever wanted was family and kids with the right person.
Chantal: “I know what I want. When you find the right guy, everything else falls into place. Do YOU want to get married?”
Brad: “My therapist tells me I should be open to the idea, yes.”
Chantal: “I owe you an apology for fake slapping you on the first night.”
Brad: “Of course not. I’m sorry I put my face in the direct line of your hand. Please forgive me.”
The producers cue the fake rain and the ABC intern goes ballistic because all of the set decorations are on loan from Pier One Imports. Having just watched The Notebook on ABC Family, Brad recalls that kissing in the rain is extremely romantic and opts to give Chantal the safety rose and leans in for a kiss. Chantal chooses to start yammering again about her feelings when Brad grows a pair right before our eyes and asks her to please stop talking and just kiss him.
I found that side of Brad hot.
Brad escorts her to an adjacent billow tent with a roof and full-blown day bed so he can tell Chantal all the nice things he told to Ashley on their carny date. They make out in the rain, thanking each other for being so awesome.
Let’s Put Our Love on the Line
Michelle nurses her blackened eye with a sugar free popsicle as the names for the group date are rattled off. She claims that if Brad does not give her the coveted final one-on-one, he might get his own black eye.
She later confesses to Ashley S. that she hates being compared to Chantal. Ashley didn’t have the heart to respond back in her thick southern accent that no one is comparing her to Chantal, but rather the crazy lady who lives on the Burt Lancaster star of Hollywood Boulevard who barks at her own shadow and eats Comet for brunch.
Michelle: “My heart hurts. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I seriously think I beat myself in the middle of the night because I’m so stressed out because all these girls are trying to steal my boyfriend.”
There, there Michelle. Make sure to tell that exact same story to the nice young men in their clean white coats when they come to take you away.
Meanwhile, a huge stretch limo arrives to pick up all of the girls. Mimosas for breakfast, neck scarves adjusted and they are off for a day full of frivolity. Brad escorts the gaggle into a studio where Dr. Drew and his sidekick Mike are ready to lead the ladies in a healthy conversation about relationships and dating.
Brad: “While in three years of extensive therapy, I learned to open up. I want to create and environment that these ladies can trust. Sure they are all vying for my affections and would be stupid to share their deepest darkest feelings, but I can assure you that this is a safe place. Dr. Drew is brilliant. And he’s famous.”
After some blatant editing, Brad chooses to open the show by admitting that he has never cheated on a woman in his entire life.
Dr. Drew picks up the ball and runs with it, asking the women point blank who of them has cheated. After a pregnant pause, Stacey confesses that she was drunk and stupid and cheated in college. Judgmental sneers are shared around the circle, including a disappointed head shake from our Bachelor.
Stacey: “Hey. I cheated. I was young and ignorant. I’m SURE you can all relate. Hey Dr. Drew…I have a question. Who here has written a bunch of hot checks and used a fake ID on more than one occasion? Anyone? Shall I Google the word Pickelsimer to refresh your memory?”
Brad thinks Stacey was brave for being so honest.
Ashley H. admits that she’s retracting from Brad. Meghan thinks about Black Eyed Tease compared to Emily and wonders aloud what Brad’s type is. Britt grew thee feet of hair over night and reveals that she wants to know Brad better and feels her shyness gets in the way of him really experiencing her extended flexibility.
After the emotionally frazzled Love Line session, everyone’s nerves are as raw as the steak Michelle holds up to her bruised eye. Brad decides to host a party at his Bachelor pad, forcing the girls into the tepid, non-bubbling hot tub. The ABC intern has graciously provided a few kegs of Coors Light, complete with opaque red Solo cups, to help lighten the mood.
FINALLY! My beloved Hotter Than Crap Brad in all his pectoral glory! The camera pans from left to right. Ashley S. is in a tube top bikini with a flower between the boobs. The girl you don’t know named Lisa is pulling her curly hair into a pony tail. Meghan is…wearing a denim jacket? And there’s Brad. In a worn, faded hoodie thanking the girls for coming to his house.
WOULD IT KILL YOU ABC TO PLEASE GIVE ME AN OLD SCHOOL HOTTER THAN CRAP SHIRTLESS SHOT OF BRAD? I’M STARTING TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
Ashley H. has decided to forgo the red Solo cup and is sucking straight from the beer tap. With each minute, she’s filling the inside of her crazy bucket at an alarming rate.
Alli and her boobs invite Brad over to a sofa. Before he can answer how his day has been, Ashley S. slides into some pretty annoying baby talk and steals Brad away. Alli and her boobs are visibly annoyed and Ashley insists in her squeakiest voice that they should hug it out. Alli takes her boobs elsewhere and talks smack to Meghan behind her back.
Ashley S. pokes out her bottom lips and begins whining to Brad. I’m not sure what she said because I refuse to translate toddler when you are a grown woman. It doesn’t technically matter anyway, because Jackie steals Brad from Ashley almost immediately.
Meanwhile, Ashley H. has fashioned the yard hose into a tube for the keg. We all know it’s decorative since Brad’s back yard is actually Astroturf. She takes what’s left of her nerves and begins to slow unravel them one at a time. Then she picks a fight with Stacey the Cheater.
Britt’s hair miraculously looks short again as she and Brad wander off to a secluded couch at the end of a pebble path near stage right. Britt tells us again that she’s shy and she’d prefer not to talk if given the choice.
Britt: “I’m so shy and intimidated around people who I have a crush on.”
Brad: “Come here to me.”
Is it just me, or was that line hot when he originally said it? I mean, not when he said it again…to Ashley H., Chantal, Michelle, etc…but the first time. I liked it.
Our Bachelor has been talked to death all night long, so he appreciates Britt’s affinity for not speaking. She sticks her tongue down Brad’s throat to prove that her legs aren’t the only thing that’s flexible on her body.
Ashley H. is now smashed and has decided to take matters into her own slightly shaking hands. A producer guides her over to the pebble path and encourages her to see what’s on the other side. Thinking an ABC intern would be standing there holding lime Jell-O shots, you can imagine her frustration to find Britt stuck to Brad’s. Britt excuses herself. Ashley plops down on the couch and puts her feet up in Brad’s lap. And ABC intern brings over a bucket.
Ashley: “I feel myself puling away.”
Brad: “Take it from me Ash. You need to embrace this. It can be fun and exciting!”
Ashley: “For you maybe.”
I have to admit that I literally shouted “touché” at the screen. Ashley made little sense for the remainder of the conversation. Even I couldn’t keep up. Brad tries to convince her that when she’s not drunk, he’s really in to her. He decides that the only way to convince her is to give her the rose.
He gathers the girls in the tepid, non-bubbling hot tub. Ashley makes a fool of herself and says that she hates this part. Brad asks her what’s so awkward about giving out the safety rose? The other girls bait her. She chokes back some vomit and comes up with some clever response, “Whatever.”
For the second time in the show, Brad again grows a pair and invites Britt to accept his rose. She graciously takes the bud and the runner-up status with pride. Her heart earrings were bursting from the lobes.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Let’s Hang Out Together
In a rare appearance, Emily retrieves the date card and reads in her most charming southern drawl. Chantal is quick to point out that Michelle’s date card did not have the word “love” in the title as all the other dates.
Well played Chantal.
Michelle does her best to rub her one-on-one date in the faces of anyone who will listen. Unfortunately, the only buzz that morning from the women who were not hung over was talk of Ashley H.’s meltdown. Michelle reached boiling levels waiting for Brad to show up and rescue her from the house.
Michelle: “This is MY day. I am sick and tired of everyone talking about that lush. I’m going on a date with my man. NOTHING will stand in my way.”
On perfect cue, Brad marches into the sunken living room and asks to speak with Ashley. He barely missed the daggers protruding from Michelle’s eyes.
I have to agree with the Tease. I think this was poor timing on Brad’s part. It was perfect timing on the producers’ part.
Brad and Ashley talk about how perfect their date was back in the day. They thank and please each other to death. Chantal puts her finger one inch from Michelle’s face and repeats, “I’m not touching you.” about 100 times. Everyone else looks bored. Including me.
Brad re-enters the room to a somber looking crowd. He apologizes to the group as Ashley H. skips to the couch and puts a cold compress on her forehead. Michelle grabs Brad by the arm and pulls him toward the door as he apologizes to everyone for Michelle pulling him toward the door.
After some small talk in the convertible, Brad takes Michelle to his mansion for some quiet time on the veranda. Five seconds later, the magically color-changing helicopter appears and Michelle demands to know where he is taking her.
They land on a building in downtown Los Angeles where Brad tells Michelle that they are going to rappel down a 40 story building to the pool below. Feeling this is the most opportune time to secure a future Emmy nomination reel or the equivalent of the state-wide junior college Utah film festival submissions, Michelle turns on the waterworks, clings to Brad’s neck and tells him that she is really afraid of heights.
I won’t bore you with details. If you feel like reading all of the “taking a leap of faith” or “together we are going to tackle our fears” or “we were completely vulnerable,” go ahead and read the Jake/Vienna bungee jumping or Roberto/Ali tight rope dates. It was the same music. Same fear. Same building. Same dorky camera helmets.
The best part is when they sent the ABC intern down to the 20th floor with a flip cam to get an inside shot of Brad and Michelle dangling outside the window of Dr. Jaime’s downtown location as they conquer their fears and kiss.
Brad: “You did so great.”
Michelle: “I did.”
Brad: “This was a perfect date.”
Michelle: “Wait. You told the Ashleys and Chantal the same thing.”
Brad: “And don’t forget Emily. Let’s see. This is the scariest date I’ve been on!”
Michelle: “You haven’t seen scary.”
They make their way to the pool. I’m so excited because we are about to be treated to some gratuitous shirtless action from Hotter Than Crap Brad. I’ll even take some shots of the gargantuan back tat. Here is comes……!!!!!
And Brad jumps in with his clothes on. COME ON!
A few moments later, the shirt is off, Brad is pinkie swearing with Michelle that he will never scale another building with any other woman and the safety rose is received with a major make out session.
I guess I’ll take it.
At dinner, Michelle begins talking about her feelings and how she knows she’s supposed to be in Brad’s life. Yoda has learned will from Jedi Jaime and quickly steers the conversation to safer topics: her daughter.
Brad: “Have you ever introduced anyone to your daughter?”
Michelle: “A few guys met her once or twice during breakfast, but that’s it.”
Brad asks a bunch of questions that begin with please and end with thank you. Michelle loves the attention. She admits that she doesn’t see him with any of the other girls. Then she pees on him.
In her talking head confessional, Michelle announces that it’s time for all the other girls to go home. She flashes some gang sign she learned in the bowels of the deserted studio lot in East Compton. Somewhere, Crips and Bloods are preparing for battle.
After the commercial break, Brad is welcoming Dr. Jaime in for another therapy session.
No I am not kidding.
Dr. Jaime pretty much gives Brad the green light to get to third base with all of the women until the forgo card fantasy dates.
Brad: “It feels weird kissing one girl and then going to another one five seconds later and kissing her.”
Dr: “Take a risk. Explore life. Work the chemistry. Bite the bullet.”
Brad thanks the good doctor nine times and then gets dressed for the rose ceremony.
Brad decides that he needs to meet with each girl who didn’t get any one-on-one time this week. Shawntal is first up and she lets him know that she is secure in their relationship. Then she asks him to pick her up and forces a kiss as he once again turns his face the last minute. I’m thinking bad breath or he’s just not that in to her.
Next is Meghan. Brad thanks her for being honest and open and confident enough to not wear a string bikini in the tepid, non-bubbling hot tub when all the other girls are hooched out. He promises to get to know her better. We assume that was in the next five minutes, because Meghan goes home later that night.
The next lucky lady to bask in the presence of our Bachelor is none other than Emily. Brad prepared (read: the ABC intern) a picnic basket to recreate their vineyard date. He takes her to the freshly washed driveway and lays out a blanket. Being a southern lady, she places another blanket in her lap to cover the goods that the four-inch royal blue dress would inevitably flash as she sits daintily on concrete. Brad stutters like a prepubescent teen and asks about her daughter.
Back inside, Chantal has mistakenly partaken some of the crazy juice and begins to climb up in the “Who’s Going To Crack Out First” ranking.
Chantal: “I mean, he got her a present. Just when I’m starting to feel special, he goes out of his way to have alone time with HER.”
Meghan: “Dude. We should nickname them Bremily.”
Chantal: “NOT HELPING.”
Lisa: “I agree. If we’re all here for the same reason and Bremily is outside on their own, then why am I here?”
Lincee: Who are you again?
Chantal: “This is so stupid. Why am I crying? WHY?”
Jackie: “You feel like an idiot because of the Bremily situation outside.”
Once she’s pulled herself together, Chantal steals Brad away from Ashley H.
Chantal: “I feel like my head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another.”
Brad: “Is that like thinking with the little head and not the big head? Dr. Jaime was telling me something about…”
Chantal: “Focus Brad. I’m seeing you make connections with certain girls who are emotionally unstable. That’s not who I am. I want you to make me feel comfortable enough so I can fall in love with you. Can you be man enough to get where you need to be at the end of this?”
Brad: “You’re damn right.”
Then he plants a slippery one on her to make her stop talking.
Our Host shows up to clink his champagne glass. Brad thanks everyone. Along with Chantal, Michelle and Britt, roses go to:
The red head, Meghan and Stacey the Cheater are sent home.
Confession is good for the soul Stacey. Bad for your chance of winning on reality TV, but good for the soul.
Next week, the ladies head to Vegas where they rip off another scenario from Ali’s season and have one lucky lady perform with Brad in a live show. Alli gets lots of presents on a shopping spree and Emily faces her worst nightmare in a race car.
Should be fun!
Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,