Bachelor Recap: Brad 2.0 – Episode 1
Hello my dear friends! Welcome back to what will inevitably be the most shocking and controversial season in Bachelor history! I wouldn’t lie to you dear readers. This outrageous declaration came straight from the man we all love to admire every Monday night…
Our Host Chris Harrison.
Oh isn’t he divine in his chocolate brown suit with baby blue shirt? I won’t mention the fact that he appears to have a little too much bronzer and his hair is a bit on the poofy side. No. This is a time to concentrate so we can mentally block out the hearty 30 minutes of back story ABC forced us to recall in great detail. It helps if you focus on Harrison’s deep, blue eyes. I fear the day when I watch this show in HD, because I will be mesmerized by his charming demeanor and inevitably get lost in his eyes. And feel my spirit rise. And soar like the wind. Is this love that I am in?
The only thing that can break me from Our Host’s spell is a shot of our Bachelor in the shower.
Didn’t I tell you he was hotter than crap? Can I get and AMEN? The best thing about the opening montage was the shirtless scenes. Seriously. How many different ways can you tell the viewing audience that you have been in three years of therapy and you want a second chance? I did it in one sentence. ABC chose to drag it out for 30 minutes. Thanks goodness someone knew to pepper the footage with Brad’s pecs or we would all be fast forwarding. Therefore, since I’m a professional blogger, I will beta-cap so we can get this show on the road.
Driveway sparkling. Harrison strutting. Lincee swooning. Past revisiting. Home Depot pedestal standing. Brad pacing. Jenny rejecting. Jenny crying. Brad pacing. DDAHnna rejecting. Lincee applauding. No proposing. Brad moping. Brad pondering. Panic attacking. Lock downing.
At this point, the producers ask Brad to pretend to watch his season as he sits in what is assumed to be his Austin apartment in front of a blank TV. CGI experts fake an exchange between him and Jenny and he is told to reflect over a bowl of wicker balls while placing his right hand under his chin because the wardrobe department is trying to make men’s leather bracelets happen.
Hotter Than Crap Brad: “I began to wonder what was wrong with me. I lock my door and sit at home playing on the computer and eating soup by myself. Every single blog out there called me a self-righteous, immature, commitment-phobe.”
Please let the record show that www.iHateGreenBeans.com did NOT share this sentiment. I could care less that Brad didn’t choose either girl. Good for him for NOT picking someone for the sake of the show only to ditch her six months later. I will say that it is probably written in his contract with his own blood personally drawn by our favorite ABC intern, who moonlights as a nurse, that he MUST choose someone this go around. And I’d be willing to bet there is some sort of huge drama if she will accept his Home Depot pedestal proposal.
Hotter Than Crap Brad: “This tough guy I put out there is just a facade. I’ve been in therapy for three years and I’ve learned that the only way to truly fall in love is to be vulnerable, open up and get a huge tattoo of a cross on my back. I’ve changed.”
Daddy ditching. Wall erecting. People pushing. Therapist trusting. Ink blot assessing. Breakthrough happening. Self improving. Positive thinking. LA traveling. Tiny empty suitcase wheeling. SHIRTLESS EXERCISING! Pecs glistening. Muscles ripping. Lincee clapping. Glass raising. Shirtless toasting. Wine sipping.
Hotter…than…crap. Totally worth the reboot. Give me a moment while I collect myself. Here. Read this:
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who often purchases the Chick-fil-A cow calendars and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I just watched that last part three times. So what?
Our Host Chris Harrison shares with the audience that the select sampling of Bachelorettes has no idea that Brad is this season’s Bachelor. Nice move on ABC’s part. Hare stands casually as Hotter Than Crap Brad exits the limo and begins hyperventilating. Harrison waves off the ABC Intern, who is prepared to perform the Heimlich maneuver at a moment’s notice. HTCB stumbles to his mentor’s side. Roberto stands in the wings. He’s only there to be enfuego as the primary member of Harrison’s entourage. Brad catches a glimpse of Rico Suave and calms down, knowing that he has big shoes to fill.
OHCH: “Come on Womack. What’s with the weird breathing?”
HTCB: “My therapist told me to practice Lamaze breathing when I feel nervous.”
OHCH: “Dude. I’ve personally selected 29 girls and one woman for you who will make you forget about that lame breathing.”
HTCB: “No…it’s called Lamaze.”
OHCH: “Whatever. So I hear you’ve been visiting a shrink? How’s that working out for you?”
HTCB: “Yes. I’ve been seeing my therapist for three years. You know, I had these walls that I build up and then there was my Dad…”
OHCH: “Right, right, right. So let’s talk about Jenny and DDAHnna.”
HTCB: “I’m so sorry I hurt them. I hate that their pain was at my expense.”
OHCH: “Sounds like you are a man ready to apologize. Guess what? They are here to talk to you just moments before you get your balls busted by 90 percent of the girls and one woman we have selected for you! Come on out Jenny and DD!”
The two jilted Bachelorettes saunter out onto the veranda looking like a throwback from Dynasty. Are big shoulder 80s dresses making a come back? Jenny was certainly channeling Alexis Colby. I half expected her to end up in the swimming pool thinking DD was Crystal Carrington. Actually, it’s more like I wished it.
Hugs all around. Everyone tells everyone they are beautiful. Jenny is delightful, sweet and is strategically placed between Brad and DDAHnna who looks like she is about to unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole. Harrison sits back and lets nature take its course, gently prodding the beehive with a lengthy stick.
HTCB: “I knew you would both be shocked to know I would be on the show again. I wouldn’t be here unless I was a changed man.”
OHCH: “Come on girls. Are you buying this?”
DD: “I’m concerned. I don’t want two girls at the end with broken hearts.”
HTCB: “Oh it’s in my contract that I have to pick someone. No worries there.”
OHCH: “I’m telling you. I’ve hand picked 29 great gals and one woman. He’s set.”
Jenny warns Brad that the girls will have their guards up. Brad reminds us all for the seventh time that he’s had three years of therapy to prepare and just wants a chance to be heard. Jenny wishes him luck and DDAHnna, well, is DDAHnna.
OHCH: “What do you think DD? Can this work for Brad?”
DD: “I’m skeptical. I can only hope that you can find what I found. My fiancé is a twin you know.”
HTCB: “I’m a twin.”
DD: “Shut up.”
The rejects are whisked away. Brad is escorted to the freshly washed driveway. He looks fondly at his mentor as Harrison tells him not to screw this one up. It’s time to meet the ladies and woman!
Why you remember her: You don’t technically remember Alli. It’s more like you remember her boobs spilling forth in an emerald green dress. She tells a story about how a dude once broke up with her because he wanted “something a little more petite in the behind department.” We don’t know what she’s talking about because her boobs are so big. She backs her money maker up in Brad’s face and asks, “Can you handle this?” He would answer, but again, he’s distracted by the ginormousness of her boobs.
Why you remember her: Ashley is a dentist and says that the mouth is her canvas. Gross. Then she dances in little shorty shorts, knee socks and a tank top. Interesting. Her sparkling hot pink cocktail attire resembles the formal my sister wore in the Miss Hallsville pageant in 1990. Jamie was voted to the princess court, but did not secure the title crown. I fear the same fate holds true for Ashley H. I predict she will go far, but not the distance.
Why you remember her: She reminds you of Kellie Pickler. She slides into her North Carolina accent when she tells Brad he’s a tall drink of water and then she gooses him before she heads inside. After hours of being grilled by the bitter Bachelorettes who are irritated that he has been chosen to win their affections, Ashley tells Brad that she is happy to be his sanctuary if he ever needs to escape. HTCB is happy to find a confidant.
Status: First impression rose
Why you remember her: Britnee insisted that Hotter Than Crap Brad retrieve her from the limo by beckoning him with a come forth finger wag from the cracked window. Brad obliges and opens her door, escorting Britnee back to the “x” strategically marked with red electrical tape by the ABC intern. “I like a gentleman.” Brad grins. Then they stare at each other awkwardly for what feels like several minutes. Later, Brad is chivalrous by not allowing the door to hit Britnee on her way out of the mansion.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Britt’s long blond hair extensions are amazing. She’s a chef and a food writer and reminds Brad that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. She gives him a few rum balls that she baked wrapped in cellophane. Brad tosses the dessert to Harrison, asking him to save it for him. Harrison pops four in his mouth and tells the ABC intern to make his next martini extra dirty.
Mercer Island, WA
Why you remember her: ABC promised to purchase all Bachelor-related vehicle needs from her Daddy’s car dealership if she just slapped Brad across the face when she exits the limo. We later find that she is divorced after five years of marriage and does not like being alone. She hates that people play games. So she’s decided to go on a reality show. And compete. Against other women. For the affection of a complete stranger. Brad claims to love her fiery attitude. I say that Chantal negotiated making it through at least three rose ceremonies.
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Status: No rose
Hospital Event Planner
Why you remember her: Emily’s fiancé was a race car driver named Ricky. You laugh, wondering if his last name is Bobby and then you start quoting lines form Talladega Nights. Then you find out that the husband died and Emily found out she was pregnant with their girl days later. Sad, sad story. Kudos to Emily for not dropping that bit of family history on Brad the first night. Instead, she conducted herself as a sweet southern lady. Brad is intrigued.
Why you remember her: Other than wondering what the “J” stands for, she’s sort of forgettable. She thanks Brad for throwing this “big party” for her birthday. He laughs awkwardly and she rushes inside.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Jackie was one of two in bright yellow dresses with dark hair. She makes Brad pinky swear that he won’t break her heart. Then she breaks all of our ear drums by “singing” to him on the veranda. She’s an artist. Why wouldn’t she dip her fingers in the ashy remnants of the chiminea and sketch a quick rendering of his silhouette or something? No. She decides to “sing” to him and he can do nothing but sit there and absorb all of the sounds issuing forth from her diaphragm. Thankfully, it makes for great TV.
Why you remember her: I had high hopes for my Houston girl Jill until she told him she couldn’t wait to get married. Those were the first words out of her mouth. Not, “Nice to meet you.” or “Hi! My name is Jill!” She leads with desperation.
Status: No rose
Radio City Rockette
Why you remember her: Keltie is the resident annoying girl who just happens to be a Rockette. She’s this season’s Tenley. She is very animated, hyper and insists on teaching Brad how to high kick unless she’s convincing Renee to steal Brad away from other girls. The feather in her hair (or was it an earring?) shows us that she’s a free spirit. She’ll go far if she reins it in a bit.
Why you remember her: The underneath of Kimberly’s hair had a purple tint that matched her dress. Other than that, she grilled Brad the entire time about how she didn’t want to be screwed over in the end. Surprisingly, Brad kept her around.
Why you remember her: I have no clue who this is. All I have in my notes is: “hoisted her strapless dress up on national TV.”
Status: No rose
High School Teacher
Why you remember her: Laruen looked a little tired. Perhaps it was jet lag? Even in her bio photography she has a bored look about her. But her gold dress was fabulous!
Status: No rose
First Grade Teacher
Why you remember her: All we know of Lindsay is that she had on a red dress and had red hair. Most red-heads I know never wear read. She’s clearly a rebel.
Why you remember her: She wore ruby red slippers to remind Brad that she was from Kansas. It looked to me like she had a little Munchkinland in her due to the fact that her self tanner was a shade on the orange side.
Dix Hills, NY
Why you remember her: [crickets chirping]
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Madison. Sweet little sick, twisted, mysterious Madison has a thing for vampires. We learn from her intro package that she’s met the leader of the underlying world.
You can’t make this stuff up. ABC hit a GOLD MINE with this psycho!
She tells Brad he looks delicious. He’s confused about the fangs and confirms that they neither bother nor scare him. But he does want to know if it’s just a joke or if she really wants to be his maybe future wife. She tries to compel him. It doesn’t work. Because that’s only real on the Vampire Diaries. A quick check on the ABC website will probably confirm that she loves the Twilight books and is unequivocally in love with Edward Cullen. Since real men don’t sparkle in the sunlight and I’m forever Team Jacob, I must root against her. However, I encourage you to proudly fly your freak flag Madison. Please bite him. PLEASE!
Why you remember her: Brad tells Marissa that he is super excited that her life revolves around sports and thinks they will get along really well!
Why you remember her: One has to wonder if Meghan’s “fashion maker” status is actually the accessory girl at Forever XXI. She wears hot pink platform shoes that remind me a bit of what Baby Spice would kick around in while touring in Germany. Her black dress is four inches long.
Why you remember her: Melissa had a severe “bless her heart” moment. She exits the limo with a weird mischievous grin on her face and then runs with reckless abandon toward our Bachelor screaming, “CATCH ME!” Part of me dove behind my seat cushion out of embarrassment. The other part peeked out secretly hoping he would drop her. Being the big, strong, hotter than crap hunk of a man he is, of course Brad cradles her with ease. Then they have a special moment (and by special I mean “special”) where he rocks her back and forth making small talk with a complete stranger. Bless both their hearts.
Salt Lake City, UT
Why you remember her: Michelle is no girl. She’s a WOMAN. She knows that other girls are intimidated by her and she can’t help that. She’s a single Mom who wears flowery gowns with slits all the way up to her hip. She immediately confides in Brad that she has a daughter and he is unfazed. She finds this amazing and can’t wait to begin her journey with him.
Why you remember her: Rachiel took it upon herself to smuggle in her hot wax contraption so she could rip off all the hair follicles from their root on Brad’s right wrist. Then they talk about waxing undercarriages and bat wings. After working out a schedule to come by later for some chest treatment, Brad confesses that he will never have his package waxed. Note to America.
Mission Viejo, CA
Why you remember her: Rebecca’s grandma told her she had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her prince. Rebecca’s in the amphibian section of the zoo as we speak.
Status: No rose
Why you remember her: Renee doggedly pursued Brad for some important one-on-one time and was interrupted by Big Boob Alli and Jill. She kept stealing him away only to have him stolen from her. She tells Brad that she has a great sense of humor because she has no shoes on. Perhaps next time she should try a joke or squirting flower.
Status: No rose
Musical Theater Performer
Why you remember her: Sarah L. had a plunging neckline in her black gown and lacks the ability to snap her own fingers. That is all.
Status: No rose
Real Estate Broker
Why you remember her: I can’t be sure because I was in a puddle of mortification under my sofa cushion, but I think Sarah P. asked Brad to get on one knee and propose to her. Which he did. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Why you remember her: “I meet a lot of guys. But they aren’t alive.” Love it! Shawntel is a licensed embalmer. Yes! She wants the Bachelor buried in her family mausoleum. DOUBLE YES! She tells the Bachelor that he smells good. (Told you DP.) The Vampire Girl is drawn to Shawntel. They exchange gory stories.
Why you remember her: Stacey is hard core. She wouldn’t be caught dead in sequence or ruffles. She’s in black with chains around her neck. She has no clue who the Bachelor is and doesn’t care what he’s done. She just wants to challenge him to a cocktail making competition at high noon tomorrow. He’s going down.
Our Host asks the girls to pretend they care for each other to say their final goodbyes. Britnee’s cinnabun hairdo hangs by the ball that was sprayed as she hiccups her heartfelt disappointment on camera. Lisa P. has to turn away because she’s so upset.
Back inside, Brad thanks the girls for giving him a second chance and promises this season to be full of fun. From scenes of the season, it looks like there’s going to be a ton of showers, hot tubs, swimming and general shirtlessness. FINALLY!
Next week, feel free to check out my new gig. I’m a guest video blogger on AOL’s TV Squad. I have to say that my throat gets a little thick and my pits become extremely sweaty when I watch it, but it’s already out there, so here you go. Pay no attention to my East Texas accent and wispy hair.
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,