‘The Bachelor’ recap: Britt takes a ride on the struggle bus

The Bachelor Farmer

Watching The Bachelor was hard last night. It was hard because half of me wanted to watch the Saturday Night Live 40 Year Special, while another 45-percent of me wanted to see what the Dowager was up to. Sadly, I gave into the five-percent minority by devoting not one, not two, but three hours to witnessing Britt manipulate her way through the corn fields of Iowa.

The good news is that Our Host Chris Harrison graced us with his presence for hour one, making those particular 60 minutes a delightful blend of a ruggedly handsome interviewee sparing with one self-proclaimed Mensa candidate, dissecting the broken relationship of one emotional basket case, and livening up the dull conversation of one farmer.

Our Host is a pro. This is why they pay him the big bucks.

Kelsy
Harrison wastes no time diving straight into the deep end of Kelsey’s patronizing pool of narcissism by announcing that she was one of the most controversial women in the house. Kelsey smiles graciously and begins to tap dance around reality, hoping that her informer will get caught up in the razzle dazzle of girlish giggles, raised eyebrows, and fancy vocabulary.

OHCH: They said you were condescending, faked a panic attack, and claimed you were smarter than anyone in the house. What do you have to say for yourself?
Kesley: I think a flippant comment was misconstrued, and I would hope to ameliorate the situation. You see Chris, Ameliorate means…
OHCH: I know what it means. I use “word of the day” toilet paper too.

NOTE: For those of you who are not currently studying for the SATs, the definition of ameliorate is, “to make something bad or unsatisfactory, better.”

Harrison turns the screw a little tighter, asking Kelsey if she faked the panic attack? Kelsey explains that it was a tumultuous day, and she felt flooded with emotions. Losing one’s motor functions will cause one to fall gracefully to the ground in a convenient location. She knew she was having a panic attack because she is a mental professional and deals with this sort of thing all the time. Our Host rolls his eyes, makes a note to check out where Kelsey practices her mental health career, and asks her about Ashley I-Lashes. Kelsey claims she and Ash were super tight. As tight as someone can be when one resides up here and the other is down there.

The Bachelor Farmer

The Farmer
Chris Harrison rags on The Farmer for telling Kelsey that Ashley I-Lashes said she was a super freak. The Farmer admits that he doesn’t know anything about women. Harrison seconds that emotion and salutes this revelation by removing his flask from his boot and taking a celebratory sip of his Jameson

For the next 20 minutes, Harrison ticks through the jilted Who’s Who of The Farmer’s rolodex. Remember Drunk Tara and Sorority Girl Jordan? What about Juelia? Raise your hand if this seasons has been missing something since Jillian and her black modesty boxes left the show? Was it weird having Jimmy Kimmel on a date with Kaitlyn? Was the love guru a real consultant or just a randy hippy from Santa Fe?

OHCH: What America didn’t see was your horseback riding date with Becca. There was an issue with a donkey?
Farmer: Yeah. Sully the donkey. He got suddenly began running, causing our horses to get spooked. I was scared for my life.
OHCH: What a jackass.

This is why ABC needs to let Harrison go unscripted.

Moving on. It wouldn’t be a Who’s Who without Melrose. According to Our Host, Melrose had a completely normal audition tape. Clearly the meds had not yet been mixed with the sauce. Fun fact—she had a tendency to wander the backstage area. She even made up a story that the behind the scenes team was betting on the girls in a trailer by craft services. Harrison never let on that this was indeed his entourage, gathered around his traveling bookie. You know Roberto has Becca going all the way, and Brooks has $3K on Kaitlyn taking the first boat to Paradise Island.

Andi
Y’all, Andi was a hot mess. She had clearly been dumped, and for some unknown reason, decided it was a good idea to go on national television and cry about it! She is riding the struggle bus around and around, with no stopping in sight. To make matters worse, Harrison offered his condolences on her breakup, and then launched into a conversation about her romantic her engagement. To make a long, uncomfortable story short, Andi and Josh had the exact same personality and temperaments. Neither felt supported because both wanted the power. Every orifice from Andi’s face leaked some sort of fluid, and this situation reached a disturbing level when Harrison asked if she is still in love with Josh. Andi was unable to speak due to the snot that collected in the back of her throat.

Our Host wants to know what’s next for Andi? My guess is another Suave shampoo commercial.

HOUR TWO
Suddenly, the scene switches from the provision and protection of Harrison’s haven, to seven girls huddled around a coffee table in Deadwood. The Farmer bumbles into the waiting area and it becomes evident that this is a rose ceremony. I thought that leaving two contestants (one up there and one down there) in the Badlands would be enough carnage for one day, but Mike Fleiss does not have my merciful bandwidth. Britt puckers her fuchsia lips, cocks her head ever so slightly to the left, and asks the bachelor what went down on the dreaded two-on-one date.

This is unprecedented territory. The nervous Farmer mumbles something extremely generic, and Britt praises him for staying true to his heart. Carly shouts that she’s proud of him for getting rid of the narcissist and the princess, and even admitted that the other girls celebrated once they learned of his wise decision. Obviously “words of affirmation” are The Farmer’s love language, because the next thing he does is escort Megan to a rejection SUV. When he returns to the six remaining ladies, he expects to be greeted with waving palm fronds and bunches of grapes for his good decision-making skills. Instead, Whitney is crying and Carly is working to keep her eyes from popping out of the sockets.

The Farmer retreats to his relationship Yoda, baffled by the fact that separating the wheat from the chaff did not earn him any points. He asks permission to try something a little different. Harrison replies, “Do or do not. There is no try.”

The Farmer announces to the women that there will not be a rose ceremony tonight, because THERE ARE NO RULES. Instead, he invites them all to join him in God’s country. I immediately wondered if that would be weird for these girls to be on the same plane traveling to Texas as Kelsey. Can you say, “Awkward!” Plus, is it really safe?

You can imagine my surprise when the girls end up in Iowa instead of the Lone Star State. Welcome to Arlington, ladies! Well—not really. Welcome to Des Moines ladies! The girls get sucked into the “this isn’t so bad” mindset just as Jade scores the first one-on-one date.

She hops into the SUV and after two hours of nothing but rolling fields, Jade begins pointing out inanimate objects that are not corn. Sorry Jade. Your solo game of I Spy isn’t going to ameliorate the ride out to the farm. Oh look! A cow! Jade arrives at The Farmer’s house and a cautiously takes in her surroundings.

Farmer: Land is my passion. I love owning it and working it. Everything the light touches is my kingdom. And it could be yours too.
Jade: Uh huh.

Lion King

Lincee: I spy with my little eye, someone despondent.

That evening, The Farmer takes Jade on a 40-second tour of downtown Arlington. There are no cars, no people, and no way Jade can see herself living in a place where Old McDonald opens up the building he owns downtown to brew a few pots of coffee. She needs a real Central Perk—not a farm version of Gunther.

Jade begins to walk around slowly, trying hard to mask the the depression in her eyes. I agree with my friend Susan who said it looked like she had been dumped into District 12 after the Capitol bombed the place.

Mockingjay

The thought of meeting Gale brightens Jade’s mood, but The Farmer assures her that the citizens of Arlington are not tucked away in an underground bunker. As with any small town on a Friday night, everyone is at the football stadium. The same stadium where The Farmer was a big time star back in the day.

He drags Jade through a throng of people and introduces her to his parents. HIS PARENTS. Just like that, Jade is chatting up Mama and Papa Farmer with zero prep time. Her face turns a little ashen. We assume it’s because of nerves, but later learn that Jade has a secret. She may have done a little nude modeling once or twice for Playboy and the LAST thing she wants is for the family to Google her name before she’s had a chance to tell the bachelor. Figuring that is little to no Internet connection in Arlington, Jade buys herself a little time.

The same guy who brews the coffee in the morning is the principal of the high school. He opens the door for the Farmer so he can take Jade on a tour. They roam the halls and talk about how they were both rebels. The Farmer’s version of rebel is ditching band practice to go play tractor chicken with Old Man Robert’s John Deere. Jade’s version of rebel involves pasties and dusting glitter. Unfortunately, neither went into great detail, so Jade’s Playboy secret is still safe. The nostalgic memories of days of yore cause the Farmer to become all hot and bothered. He grabs Jade’s hand, swings her around, and pulls her into his chest for a passionate kiss. I give him props for trying to be suave, because let’s face it, other than “I own everything you see,” this was as close to game as The Farmer will ever have. Let the record show, it was nowhere near this:

I’ll give you a second to watch it again. Or bookmark it for later. Are we good? Okay, back to The Farmer.

Since he is Arlington royalty, the bachelor is allowed onto the football field at the conclusion of the game. He and Jade bow to social convention by making out on the 50-yard-line. She tells him that she doesn’t want him to feel bad about where he is from. He should be proud. The Farmer is ecstatic that Jade wants to live in Arlington (this is nowhere near what she said) and forces a victorious arm in the air that he got the girl!

Breakfast Club

We do not know if Jade gave him her diamond earring as a souvenir, but can bet a copy of a certain calendar is probably in his future.

Second One-On-One Date
Whitney

Whitney greets The Farmer with the obligatory jump into his arms and wrap her legs around him move. While they talk baby talk to each other, I notice that she has a flannel shirt tied around her waist. Someone please tell me if this fashion statement has returned, because I’m going to have to prepare myself for the lumberjack flashbacks I will inevitably experience as a result. A plaid pearl snap is one thing, but a nod to the Seattle grunge generation of the ‘90s is quite another. I lived it once and I do not wish to live it again. The next thing you’re going to tell me is that overalls are back. Oh wait…

Overalls

The Farmer gives her a camera and tells her that they are going to document their day together. This means that Whitney is going to have a wonderful photo album of every place she and The Farmer kissed in Des Moines. Whit is super excited to spend the day with The Farmer, because this could be her home one day!

Jade would beg to differ. Whitney’s real home would be roughly three hours away. Only the strong survive.

Mockingjay

That night, The Farmer introduces Whitney to his three best friends, and she slays the interview. She has no qualms telling the trio of strangers that she is in this for the right reasons (right reasons) and that when you are in love, it doesn’t matter where you live. She knew what she was getting into, and she feels good about her decision.

The guys leave, and Whitney tells The Farmer that if she is chosen for hometown dates, hers will look a little differently than others. Her dad is not in her life, and her mom passed away 10 years ago from a blood clot on a routine procedure. The one thing that she’s always wanted in this world is to marry a man with an incredible family, because she doesn’t have any. She tells this story with so much grace, that The Farmer and I insist on crying since she is able to hold it together. He rewards her with a piece of artwork on the side of the building, derived from one of the pictures taken earlier in the day. The Kurt Cobain flannel shirt made an appearance, and the fact that it was a take off of Ah-ha’s “Take On Me” video was an interesting aesthetic to tackle. I’ll allow it because my love for ’80s nostalgia has been surpassed in this one episode. Someone in the production department at ABC loves me.

Meanwhile, Britt is looking for her ticket to board the struggle bus. All she can do is complain about the fact that Jade has an extra edge since she got to go to District 12 and see for herself what they are all getting themselves into. Carly makes a bold suggestion that they commandeer a vehicle and drive to the farm. This is a perfectly viable option because, as we know, THERE ARE NO RULES. Road trip!

Three hours later, the girls leave Arlington before realizing that they had actually driven through Arlington in the first place. Kaitlyn explains that a slow lap of the town takes a whopping two minutes. The girls get out to explore downtown. Carly wears her denim romper because it’s the most small town thing she owns. Britt wears a crop top because it’s a day that ends in “y.” They try and break into The Market, the bank, and the Methodist Church before they stumble upon an actual living/breathing Arlington resident—the pastor. Britt asks where they should eat. She is stunned by the response, “Not in Arlington.” And if you want to watch a movie, you’ll be driving at least an hour away. People live in Arlington because it’s nice and quiet, and Jim over there on the porch is a mighty fine treasurer.

Britt begins to question this entire endeavor. Becca dreams about popping out babies. One of these things is not like the other.

When they return to Iowa’s version of civilization, Britt reports to Jade that she could see herself living in Arlington. Carly is surprised to hear this discovery, since Britt all but told her that she couldn’t picture herself living there. Carly copes with her frustration by drawing a picture of Britt’s big purple lips on her hand and making fun of her “I’m number one” attitude.

Jade pulls Carly away to get some advice about her days in bunny ears and puffy tails. Carly unfiltered response of, “He’s not going to be happy about that,” leaves Jade deflated. Jade wants to tell him before someone else does. She’s been down that road with her father and it was not fun. People can be so judgmental.

Carly: Hey mom, don’t Google my wife.

Best line of the entire season. Well done Carly. Well done.

That afternoon, Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn play hockey while The Farmer constantly falls on the ice. Once his body gives out, he pulls Britt to the side to do what they love to do…make out. She confesses that they road tripped to Arlington and SHE LOVED IT! It’s a wonderful place to build a family. She couldn’t have said anything else to make The Farmer want her more.

Carly has a different approach. She has decided to break Bachelor Rule 101 and tattle on Britt. She tells The Farmer that Britt flat out said she could NOT see herself living in Arlington. Then she begins crying, because all she wants to do is protect The Farmer’s heart. Just like any little sister would do for her non-blood-related brother. Congratulations Carly! You’ve just landed the covet role of Girl He Turns To When He Has Problems With Girls He Wants To Date!

The Farmer is crushed. He asks Britt again what she thought of Arlington. Her charming answer includes the phrases “reinvent myself” and “good thing to try.” Then she drops the “mom” word and her pants catch on fire.

Like any winner, Britt is adapting to what she thinks the judge wants to see. She’s molding herself to be the person The Farmer is looking for, and will stop at nothing to win the competition.

Kaitlyn, on the other hand, is nervous that The Farmer doesn’t remember her name. She feels a step behind the others, and tells him that she really wants him to meet her family. He goes out of his way to prove to her that he feels really good about where they are at in this process. So much so, that he gives her the date rose.

And then it gets really good.

Britt’s winning facade cracks a little. I’m unsure if this was on purpose, or a small blip in her world of manipulation. She interrupts The Farmer’s “this is hard” speech and basically chastises him for giving someone else the rose. Oh, she’s not mad. She’s just confused that her future husband would validate Kaitlyn (love you girl) instead of her.

Britt: Logistically, I get it. But I’m just hurt. I want you to meet my family. I want my husband to really want that too. And you validate another girl? I’m just processing out loud. I’m sorry. I can’t mask how I’m feeling right now. I only have one family and I don’t introduce them to just anyone.

The Bachelor Farmer

The Farmer explains to Britt that his decision is made, and it’s disrespectful to talk about their relationship in front of Carly and Kelsey. Whoa! Look at The Farmer go! Then he leaves them to fight amongst themselves. Annnnnnd there’s The Farmer we all know and love.

As soon as the bachelor leaves, Britt apologizes again for processing in front of them, and Carly counters with the well-timed, “That was you last week! If anyone should have validation, it should be me!”

Britt’s mini tantrum and encore cry fest will look great on her actress reel. Everyone knows that rule #1 is to never be #2.

But will her meltdown backfire? According to Carly, the fact that The Farmer saw Britt’s true colors means more than a date rose. Who will get the chance for their families to meet the man who may potentially take them away to live in a one horse town?

Stay tuned for tonight’s extravaganza!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Comments

107 Comments on "‘The Bachelor’ recap: Britt takes a ride on the struggle bus"

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NattyfromOz
NattyfromOz

hahaha another awesome recap. “Arlington has no internet connection” cracked me up! Am loving Farmer Chris – apart from his lack of conflict management skills lol

Ana

He is SO bad at conflicts. Although Britt is even worse, and made him look good at them 🙂

jennifer
jennifer

fantastic re-cap!!

My fav line:

and Jim over there on the porch is a mighty fine treasurer.

And the District 12 references. PURE genius!!!

jennifer
jennifer

BTW Lincee! Thanks for choosing to watch The Bach over SNL. And personally, I think you are way funnier than any SNL episode any day !!

shellee
shellee

Agreed!

Jackie
Jackie

Seconded!!

shellee
shellee

I am with you! I had to record The Bachelor and watch it later because I had to find out what happened on Downton Abbey!

Anyways, I have decided that ABC did a terrible job casting girls for Chris and his lifestyle. I am not saying these are bad girls, because I think this is one of the best groups as whole they have had in awhile. I just don’t see them as farm wives living in a small town!

I am a farm girl and live around alot of small towns, so to me Arlington was just like any other ‘towns’ around here. I actually know some towns that are smaller and there are some that are bigger. It would be quite the adjustment for those girls! I say that and one of my best friends now is a city girl turned farm wife! She sees things so differently from me and hearing all of her stories of helping around the farm just crack me up! So I am not saying that these girls can’t do it, because they can especially if they love Chris!!

I think that Britt is going home tonight…seeing how small Arlington was really got her thinking I believe and she is going to self destruct. I don’t think it is the life she pictured. I also think Carly is going home because I just don’t see that same connection between her and Chris as the other girls have. I will miss all of her commentary! I watch to see what she says as much to watch what Chris does!

Can’t wait to see what hometowns bring tonight!

Brooke
Brooke

I have been thinking the same thing the casting this season has been interesting. I do have to say that the girls this season though some are crazy have been some if the nicest girls.

Dianne F
Dianne F

Kelsey reminds me of Jodie Arias. Smart ( somewhat) and SCAREY.

Ann
Ann

During the interview with Andi, I was going crazy that nobody, no interns, would hand her a box of kleenex. Nobody. I wanted to dive through the TV and help her out. Every time she wiped her nose with her fingers, she would run her fingers through her hair. Wow—what a mess. Where was everyone—-even OHCH could have helped her out. I felt the need to scrub myself Lysol.

Joyce p
Joyce p

Ann, that is hilarious!! I was screaming, “give her a tissue!!!!!!!” My 13 year old daughter just looked at me.

kari
kari

AMEN to a tissue! i couldnt even hear what she was saying, to distracted by all of the snot wiping and tear swiping! whats next for Andi – is a water-proof make up endorsement. 🙂

Bri
Bri

I KNOW!!!!!!! All I could think during the whole thing was, “GIVE HER A TISSUE!!!!!”

Thank you SO MUCH for pointing that out!

Whew! There. I feel better now.

Lori H
Lori H

My husband was yelling “give the girl a tissue already!” I felt so bad for her!

renee
renee

I was extremely interested in how she seemed to be able to cry sideways, however, and how the makeup stayed in place.

Rain
Rain

Yes! I said to my husband that they needed to cut the interview and let her blow her nose right from the start. Then it just got worse! I can’t believe Harrison didn’t offer her a tissue. It got hard to watch, all that mucus and tears.

janice
janice

The Farmer retreats to his relationship Yoda ….. Harrison replies, “Do or do not. There is no try.” I just pictured OHCH doing the Yoda voice. And the reference to District 12. Both had me rolling on the floor.

Cathy
Cathy

Glad you didn’t miss Carly’s demin jumper…..I think she wore it in middleschool…..

Jo

Since ABC basically showed us that Carly doesn’t have a hometown date, can I just say… Carly for next bachelorette!!! She is cute and I find her commentary genuine and funny! No thank you if they choose Brit.

Andrea
Andrea

I didn’t think they showed Britt or Carly yet on the hometown dates, just Britt melting down outside the next rose ceremony. I have a feeling he’ll get rid of Carly for Britt, though.

Jo
Jo

I’m not trying to spoil…I think they’re both gone (Carly and Britt). Just picking up on context clues. We know Kaitlyn has rose and they showed scenes from Jade, Becca, and Whitney. Only 4 get hometown dates…

Brooke
Brooke

I didn’t catch Whitney’s hometown visit in the preview only Becca, Jade, and Kaitlyn, did I miss that?

Jo
Jo

They showed her sister in a short clip…she was saying something about intentions and come back and talk to me then.

baseballmamam
baseballmamam

That is just what I was going to say, Please let the next bachelorette be Carly, she is so funny. and out of this crazy bunch, normal. I don’t think I could stand to watch Britt, but I am sure the producers are all about her. She has that certain thing that men are too stupid to see through.

EmilyApple
EmilyApple

I vote for Carly as well! Carly for next Bachelorette!

sara
sara

Eh, I LOVED Carly at first, but the past couple of episodes I feel like she’s gotten super mean. I get it, no one likes Britt (and I don’t either). But cackling while someone else is sobbing?? That’s just mean.

Yodine
Yodine

Agree. I was so on the Carly bus until the past two episodes. Very disappointed to see a mean, bitter girl come out. : (

EmilyApple
EmilyApple

Carly did turn a little mean, but I feel like that’s understandable in such a stressful situation and I’m willing to forgive her. It’s probably that I see myself in her – no one would describe me as a mean girl, but I think I might react similarly in that situation, and then feel embarrassed and remorseful later. It will be interesting to see if Carly addresses any of her behavior/comments in Women Tell All.

Laurie
Laurie

But, was the sobbing real. Or, what was the reason…because she lost her spot as the next bachelorette?

Melissa from Iowa
Melissa from Iowa

I ADORE Carly! At first I just cringed when she spoke after what she wore / sang out of the limo. I didn’t think she’d make it into the top 1/2 of the girls, let alone this far! She has slowly gotten more enduring and more hilarious every episode! I worry that her insecurities would make her a poor bachelorette (fall for the sweet talker *cough*cough*JOSH!) but I’d love to have a whole season of her!! She deserves it!

Melissa from Iowa
Melissa from Iowa

Also, I will not watch if Britt is the next bachelorette.

Denise Jefe
Denise Jefe

Same here.

LegallyBlondeMommy
LegallyBlondeMommy

I thought the same thing – Carly for the next Bachelorette! She’s hilarious! I’d love to hear her commentary throughout an entire season.

Diane
Diane

Loved your version of Andi’s cry fest. And OHCH just sat there and stared at her while she carried on. Was there no kleenex anywhere on the set???? oh the drama!

one of my favorite quotes from the show, Carly: “I’m like really freaked out for you.” So touching!!!

RD
RD

Favorite…

The Farmer takes Jade on a 40-second tour of downtown Arlington. There are no cars, no people, and no way Jade can see herself living in a place where Old McDonald opens up the building he owns downtown to brew a few pots of coffee.

And…

District 12!!!!

hahahahahaha

Joyce p
Joyce p

Lincee-

DISTRICT 12!!!! Still laughing hahahahajaha hah hah!!

maggie

STRUGGLE BUS!
You ARE making it happen!
Love you, Lincee…you are hilarious.

Paula
Paula

Awesome recap! But you didn’t mention the “knuckle pop heard ’round the world!” Didn’t Britt’s mom teach her… nice girls don’t crack their knuckles, it gives you old lady hands!

FAV LINE:
Britt wears a crop top because it’s a day that ends in “y.”

Andrea
Andrea

Loved the recap as usual!

Favorite lines:

“OHCH: I know what it means. I use “word of the day” toilet paper too.”

“The same guy who brews the coffee in the morning is the principal of the high school.”

I have a feeling he’ll end up keeping Britt, despite her meltdown, though I thought the “trying this out” and “reinvent myself” conversation should have been a major red flag.

Melissa from Iowa
Melissa from Iowa

AGREE!! I really hope be caught that red flag!

haley9
haley9

I loved this line about Britt: “Then she dropped the mom word and her pants caught on fire.” Exactly! Britt is a manipulative, self-centered BRAT.

Team Carly for the next bachelorette! She’s witty and clever without having to use a thesaurus.

RD
RD

I forgot if you referenced this, but I thought Brit was fake from the first episode. I saw right through her and know girls that act like her, always trying to be “on” to get what they want. They know the right things to say and are VERY competitive. She came on strong to Chris and probably because she’s gotten a lot of attention in the past, thought that she would always be treated like #1. I would HATE for her to be the next bachelorette. I agree with what someone else said, make Carly the next one! Kaitlyn would be good too.

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