Bachelor Recap: Don’t Let Them Take Your Sparkle
It’s episode seven and ABC has apparently been forced to cut the budget due to all the emergency vehicles that have been dispatched this season. In an unprecedented move, they allow all six of our bachelorettes, plus Sean, to board the same seaplane bound for St. Croix. Goodbye ubiquitous scarves and Ugg boots best suited for the cold, harsh Canadian Rockies! Hello Virgin Islands! Bring me your string bikini tops with bottoms that don’t match, billowing sarongs, colorful statement necklaces and shirtless Sean.
All is right with the world.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
The ladies arrive at the Buccaneer Resort squealing with delight at all of the five star amenities available to them. They quickly begin pairing off, picking a bestie with whom they will share a bed. Lindsay and Des hug affectionately, Lesley and Catherine giggle and Tierra cocks an uncontrollable eyebrow that she’s just been stuck with old lady AshLee.
Tierra: “I refuse to share a room with someone who doesn’t like me. I need my own space. And I choose the smack dab middle of the general living area in our phat condo.”
To quote Duane “The Rock” Johnson, “The People’s Eyebrow has spoken.”
Sadly, Our Host Chris Harrison is already camped out on the VIP portion of the private beach and is unable to deliver the first date card. The intern thoughtfully places it on an end table outside the door so Des doesn’t have to stoop to retrieve it. He’s so thoughtful.
AshLee is the lucky winner of the first one-on-one. She skips to her solo bedroom to get ready. Once out of earshot, Tierra calls her a cougar. I smile thinking, “If the 32-year-old is a cougar, then I’m the zebra carcass left behind on the Serengeti. SEND THE FETUS HOME SEAN!”
Sean leads AshLee down the beach. Remarkably, there were no blindfolded moments or tears of joy celebrating relinquished trust issues. Yes! I’m rooting for you Ash! Hang in there!
They ditch their clothes in the sand and swim out to the waiting catamaran. Well, Sean dog paddles as AshLee held on to his shoulders the entire time, which I found very odd. Whatever. She’s not crying! Victory!
They make their way to a private island while Sean makes small talk.
Sean: “So. Tell me about the house? I hear Tierra is quite the charmer.”
AshLee looks him in the eyes. Can open. Worms everywhere. She dives in.
Ash: “Tierra is difficult. She never wants to be a part of the group. She isolates herself. It’s weird. Who you get is a completely different girl. When she meets your family, they will love her but when plans change, she’ll turn pouty.”
Sean becomes bored rehashing the drama and shuts AshLee up by kissing her “From Here to Eternity” style on the beach. Later at dinner, AshLee confesses that she has a secret and then takes exactly 10 minutes to lead up to the horrific details of her adolescent youth. No, she does not have that weird addiction in which she eats fiberglass like it’s cotton candy as the very pregnant pause would lead one to believe. She was married at 17 and divorced by 18. Realizing that she doesn’t collect old pizza crusts in her spare time, Sean finds this childhood fact notable and doesn’t hold any ill will toward AshLee. She punctuates the magical night by shouting, “I LOVE SEAN” into the ocean’s tides. Sean turns red, coughs a little and then decides to kiss her before she says it again.
Second One-On-One Date
Tierra finally gets the one-on-one she’s been waiting for and is immediately disappointed that her date card suggests they will be galavanting in St. Croix. Tierra, being from Denver, would feel more comfortable at sea on a boat. Minutes in, she’s complaining about the heat, the mosquitoes and her parched throat.
She quickly changes her tune when Sean starts buying her anything a street vendor is pedaling. There’s a bag, matching shell necklaces and an infinity bracelet that symbolizes their never ending love. They end their shopping escapade with some impromptu dancing in the street in front of a parade of islanders. Tierra plasters on a smile, admitting that she’s never been more happy than in this moment.
Over snow cones, Sean asks if she’s adapting well to the house. She gives her standard, “girls are mean to me” speech followed by the ever popular, “they’re just jealous that I got the first impression rose right out of the limo.”
Sean: “Would you do anything differently? If given the chance?”
Tierra: “No. They aren’t going to be around much longer. What does it matter?”
Lincee: “SEND THE FETUS HOME SEAN! Unless Shay needs a new nanny or a maid for the ridiculously cool playhouse in your parents’ backyard, SEND THE FETUS HOME!”
During dinner at the Sugar Mill, Sean seems “distance” which makes Tierra fuss-trated because surely AshLee must have thrown her under the bus. For good measure, she tells him she loves him and then sticks her tongue down his throat. As they walk back to the bungalow later that night, Sean suggests they run through the crashing waves hand-and-hand. I think Tierra’s response was somewhere along the lines of, “Ewww. No.”
The People’s Eyebrow ladies and gentlemen.
Sean wakes up the group date ladies at 4:42 a.m. and begins taking Polaroid pictures of what they look like without makeup. Lindsay makes jokes about unshaven pits, Des puts on her best Joey Potter expression and pretends to be embarrassed even though she looks perfectly delightful without makeup and Catherine delivers one of the best lines of the night:
“I’m pretty low maintenance. All I have to do is pee and I’m good to go.”
Oh Catherine. Now I’m rooting for you!
The girls seem to embrace the spontaneity of the moment and are all excited when Sean’s red Jeep pulls up to the shore where they will watch the sun rise. Over to the left is the Atlantic Ocean. To the right is the Caribbean. This is as far east as you can possibly go in the United States. They are quite literally the first people to see the sun rise in America.
The girls all “ooohhhh” and “ahhhhh” in unison, secretly wishing the others weren’t there to share this super romantic moment. They chug a mimosa and then get back in the Jeep because it’s time to haul on all cylinders. The road trip has just begun!
Stop 1: The Sugar Mill
Sean: “It was really neat to see the view of the ocean from the Sugar Mill. And props to the ABC intern for cleaning up after my date with Tierra. To the untrained olfactory nerve, you would never know that I had eaten a hamburger there a mere 12 hours before.”
Stop 2: Pippin the Donkey
Lindsay: “Eat this grass if you think I deserve a rose Pippin. Okay. I’ll wait for you to finish what’s in your mouth first.”
Stop 3: Treehouse
Des: “Let’s tie our hands together with this vine.”
Sean: “Please don’t blindfold me. Or yourself.”
Twelve hours later from when the day began, our foursome arrives at Sandy Point and while waiting for the sun to set, they go for a swim. This was 40% show and 60% necessity since they’ve been in the blistering sun all day without use of showers or deodorant. Sean crawls up onto Catherine’s shoulders (not a typo) but the other two girls remain too dainty for a rousing game of chicken fight. Another point for Catherine.
Sean wisely takes some time to spend alone with each girl. First up is Lindsay.
Sean: “What did you like about today?”
Lindsay: “Everything. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I didn’t expect to come this far. I didn’t expect for you to see this zit on my chin. I’m not going anywhere.”
Sean: “I know you’re not.”
The ABC Intern was on fire tonight, was he not? I’m so glad he thought to visit the seashore section of Hobby Lobby so he could toss out a perfectly nice conch shell for Catherine to find. I pictured her raising it to her lips and blowing into the shell, issuing forth a warning sound that was used as a sort of homing device for Harrison to come and liven this bunch up. Even though that didn’t happen, I can hardly blame them. They all must be exhausted waiting for that bloody sun to drop already.
Catherine sits on the beach with Sean and tells him about how she is excited for him to meet her family, but her father will not be joining the party. He’s in China battling depression. She then talked about how he attempted suicide in front of her and her sisters when she was a teenager. This girl has been dealt some hard knocks and I found myself admiring her positive spirit.
During Des’ alone time, she cries about how excited she is for Sean to meet her family. A quick poll from those watching at my house and it is unanimous that Des is overtired. It’s time to tuck Joey in the canoe and shove her back on home down the creek. How long does it take for the stinkin’ sun to set already?!
As they all struggle to keep their eyes open, Sean finally gives up on the sun and hands a rose to Lindsay. I have to say that I was a little bit surprised. After all of Des’ face time in the front seat of the Jeep, I figured she was guaranteed the coveted bud.
Lesley has the second best quote of the night when she finds out that she’s going on a solo date with Sean.
Lesley: “I don’t care where we go. I just want to spend time with him. We could hang out all day on Tierra’s cot. That would be fine.”
She look really pretty in a white tank top and pink billowy skirt, but for some reason she celebrates her date by putting on as much eye makeup as her lids and lashes can handle. They spend the day in a secret garden, picking huge avocados and generally not making neither eye contact nor guacamole. Sean pins her up against a fence, forcing her to look him in the face. Although her words are sweet, the action just isn’t there. Sean asks if they could try and break their Guinness record again because he’s so bored. It doesn’t happen. It was the shortest date in Bachelor history.
Sean walks along a pier, pondering which two women should be kicked off this week. He brings in reinforcements in the form of his sister Shay who is covered in head to toe DayGlo. I found this awesome and had a sudden hankering to smear Le Zinc on Sean’s fragile skin.
Sean: “I’m just nervous about breaking someone’s heart.”
Shay: “Yeah. Someone’s heart will get broken. And they’ll get over it. Just like you did.”
Lincee: I love this girl.
Sean soon admits that Tierra’s name seems to be synonymous with drama. In a bit of stylized editing, the scene cuts back and forth from him defending the 24-year-old to Tierra arguing with AshLee.
Tierra: “People have sabotaged me.”
AshLee: “Who? Name them.”
Lincee: “THIS IS IT! IT’S ON!”
Sean: “I just like her so much, but there’s something off.”
Shay: “I hear what you’re saying. Do you?”
AshLee: “You’re rude. It’s not about you. It’s about your character.”
Tierra: “I’m not going to sit around and talk about high school stuff. I’m 24 and you are 32. I hope when I’m 32, I’m not sitting around gossiping. I’ll be married with kids. Girls are always jealous because men LOVE me.”
And then it happened. The moment of all moments. Not since Groban’s sister scoffed, “Come on Groban…she’s a model?” have I ever been more proud of a sister standing up for her brother and giving precise, clear, DON’T BE A FOOL advice:
Sean: “She said that girls are always jealous of her and she didn’t come here to make friends.”
Shay: “What is the one thing I said to you?”
Sean: “Don’t end up with a girl that no one likes.”
I paused the TV, separated the girls in my watching party into sections intended for four-part harmony and we issued forth the most beautiful version of the “Hallelujah Chorus” you’ve ever heard. Even the devil bird outside my window ceased its chirping.
But we’re not out of the woods yet. Shay has given impeccable advice. Will the Bachelor take it? Will he walk in on Tierra and AshLee going at it AGAIN as Catherine and Lesley watch in creatively masked giddiness?
Tierra: “You turned on me!”
AshLee: “I didn’t talk bad about you. I just said what I saw after he asked me directly about your character.”
Lincee: “RUN SEAN RUN!”
Tierra: “I was NEVER rude to you.”
AshLee: “You never did anything! You just stared or raised your eyebrow.”
Tierra: “That’s my face! My eyebrow raises because I don’t have it chock full of Botox. I can’t control my eyebrow 24/7. My parents warned me that you would try to take my sparkle. But you won’t. YOU WON’T TAKE MY SPARKLE.”
Sean moves at a snail’s pace. By the time he finds Tierra, the infinity bracelet has turned her wrist green. He settles in on her cot as she cries phantom tears, wiping away air from under her eyes. Having no idea that Sean was there to take her to meet his sister, Tierra launches into defense mode. She’s fake crying because she’s sensitive and has such a big heart. She admits to confronting AshLee about sabotage and then apologizes to him because she cares so much.
She sobs air, careful to smear her mascara, as she drones on about how unfair this entire process is. Sean looks her in the eye and tells her that it’s probably best that she goes home because this particular journey to find love just isn’t a good fit for her emotions. He just can’t keep her there knowing how hard the process is for her.
We stood. We rejoiced. I almost dropped my computer. Carrie took pictures to remember the moment. The neighbors called to complain. The earth shook. Twitterverse shut down. A collective Bachelor Nation virtually high fived Sean for the most forward thinking decision made in show history. Ding dong, the villain’s gone.
Sean escorts her to his sister’s waiting minivan and the rest of us sigh, relieved that we can now watch the remainder of the season without shunning Sean for being a total d-bag.
Tierra puts on one more show spewing tears that were figments of all our imaginations as she laments that she was sabotaged. She recovers a second later, vowing as Harrison as her witness, she’ll never be without her sparkle again.
Bachelor Pad, here she comes.
Apparently, the other girls spend the entire day wondering where Sean and Tierra have wandered off to. I guess that random dude in the dark sweat suit didn’t come and take her bags away like he did the others. Interesting.
Sean arrives and explains to the women that he will NOT be needing a cocktail party because Tierra and her drama are gone and he knows what he has to do.
At this point, we were pretty split when it came down to Lesley going home or AshLee. I stand by the fact that while I like AshLee, I feel that she is driving her “relationship” too much with her emotions, and she’s forgetting that this is quite literally A GAME. I think she thinks that she has found love and she just needs to make it to the finish line.
Lesley, on the other hand, did not make eye contact. Who is he supposed to choose? The girl who flat out shouted that she loved him? Or the one that could potentially break his heart?
In the end, I think that he likes Lindsay, Catherine and Des better than Lesley and AshLee, so it technically didn’t matter.
Next week is home town dates. It looks like Catherine’s sisters give Sean a run for his money and Des’ brother may punch him. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
What do y’all think? Who is the front runner? NO SPOILERS PLEASE! Can you believe the chick with the wedding dress is still in it? Will AshLee get her heart pulverized? Sound off in the comments section.
All about the shame, not the fame,