‘The Bachelor’ recap: Back in black boxes
Thanks to Jimmy Kimmel, I spent most of my time watching The Bachelor equally annoyed, mortified and as confused as a chameleon in a bag of Skittles. I understand that he came on board to specifically play the role of “comedian who specializes in making people uncomfortable,” but I found myself rolling my eyes more than hiding behind a couch cushion or laughing. His hosting stint majorly backfired on me and I have NO IDEA why in the world ABC would choose to get rid of Our Host Chris Harrison when he executes his duties with such aplomb each episode. That’s weak, ABC. W-E-A-K.
And instead of thinking the addition of an “amazing” tip jar was a funny idea, I kept wondering how these girls, who are stripped of all personal items once they enter the Thunderdome, have so many dollar bills lying around? Is there a pole somewhere we don’t know about?
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“You and The Farmer are about to join an exclusive club!”
I’d be willing to bet that Kaitlyn assumed she and The Farmer were going to join the mile-high club. That’s why she shimmied into her white tank, courtesy of the American Girl Doll of the Year. I thought the flannel shirt tied around her waist was a nice courtesy nod to The Farmer from the state where she will never, ever live.
Instead of the limo driver dropping them off at the airport, he pulls up to Costco. Both claim over and over again that “this is not what they expected for a romantic date” and laugh when they are given a shopping list from Kimmel. Kaitlyn is game, because this is what real couples do on weekends. They polish off their third glass of champagne, hop out of the limo and head inside to purchase enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. It’s exactly like a typical day in the Iowan suburbs.
When normal becomes too boring, Kaitlyn decides to shove herself into a massive blue bubble ball. The Farmer tells the camera that she has a lot of class, so he joins her inside. Three darling children are promised massive bags of M&Ms if they do the producers a big favor and pretend to spontaneously roll these two crazy gringos down the bulk battery aisle. Child labor laws kick in and the kids leave. The Farmer and Kaitlyn make out for a while in the big blue ball. The Farmer thanks Kaitlyn for being so cool about this awkward date. Kaitlyn assures him she’s done weirder things before. I’m not sure if they involved big blue balls, but for some reason, I believe her.
They arrive at The Farmer’s abode, unpack all of Kimmel’s bulk wares and begin to make dinner. The Farmer is in charge of grilling steaks. Kaitlyn is in charge of drinking whiskey. The Farmer appreciates that she was able to alter their fancy date plans, because life on the farm is the opposite of glamorous. Kaitlyn adjusts her nose stud, pulls at her AGD tank and tells him that simplicity is what she prefers in life. Kimmel shows up and accuses The Farmer of cross dressing, due to the hot pink lipstick smeared all over his mouth. I wish I could implement Schmidt’s douchbag jar from New Girl instead of the amazing one. I’d make a small fortune on this date alone.
Kimmel asks Kaitlyn if she’s ever dated a farmer before? Of course she has — a legit farmer who does cows and stuff. I guess that’s what Canadians call ranchers, eh? Kimmel also asks her if she’s going to be angry with The Farmer after having sex with him in the fantasy suite, knowing that he will be having sex with three other people too. JAR! What in the world am I watching?
Kaitlyn says that she can’t be mad because you can’t pick out a car without test driving it first. Ew, and oh by the way, JAR. Kimmel thinks Kaitlyn is a perfect match and suggests they all have a three-way. JAR, JAR, JAR.
I wonder what she’ll wear in the fantasy suite if she makes it that far, because the American Girl Doll pajamas are a little too high in the neck and low on the ankle for something so JAR worthy.
The Farmer stammers as he gives Kaitlyn the rose. Kimmel makes him start over and try his speech again. I found this hilarious and laughed even harder when The Farmer called him an SOB. Kaitlyn changes into a black leather bikini, mounts our bachelor in the hot tub and makes out as Jimmy watches and eats chicken wings.
I just rolled my eyes so hard, I saw my brain.
“Are you ready to meet some real party animals?”
Apparently Jillian wasn’t ready to meet said party animals, so she hit the makeshift gym to work out her massive arms and legs. Fortunately the gracious black modesty boxes were back once again to shield our eyes from her bare butt cheeks. It would seem that child-size shorts do not cover as much real estate in the adult buns region as one may anticipate. That doesn’t stop Jillian from feeling the burn. She showers and changes into one of many statement necklaces that compliments her “stay classy” tee beautifully. Much like a black fly in your chardonnay and raaaaaeeeeeaaaain on your wedding day, the tank was a bit ironic, don’t you think?
Everyone gathers around a farm-themed obstacle course. Kimmel explains that the ladies must prove they can live in the Iowan wilderness by shucking corn, finding an egg and cracking in a pan without breaking the yolk, milking a goat, drinking the goat milk, shoveling manure and catching a greased pig. No problem.
The brunette girls you never recognize fall behind quickly during the hoedown. Jillian skips shucking and just breaks her corn in half. I’m not sure this was the wisest move to make in front of her suitor, but what’s done is done. She’s the first in the chicken coop with Mackenzie not far behind. As Jillian bends over to retrieve an egg, we are rewarded with yet another black modesty box. Thank you ABC production team. I didn’t really feel like seeing Jillian’s ovaries.
Jillian and Mackenzie run to the stove area and crack their eggs. Jillian heads to the goats. Mack is disqualified for breaking her yolk. Carly and Kelsey succeed in correctly cracking their eggs and join Jillian in the goat pen. Oh look! More black modesty boxes! ABC would make so much more money if they had decided to count black boxes instead of the word amazing.
Jillian continues to scare the bejesus out of her goat, making it impossible to milk. Kelsey sips her “warm salty milk” like tea time at the Plaza, choking every second. I join her because you hurl, I hurl. Kelsey taps out after three gulps. NICE GIRL DOWN! Carly scores a productive teat and reaches the red line on her Mason jar in no time. She chugs the milk like a person who is overtired and under intoxicated.
Everyone shovels manure, but it’s Carly who finishes first and runs to the greased pig pen. She remains consumed by the mystery of how to get the door open when a flying Jillian Hail Mary’s herself over the top of the fence. Oh look! A slow motion version of the black modesty box! At this point, I’m convinced that Jillian is wearing just a belt and nothing that resembles bottoms of any kind. Carly catches a pig and leaves a ticked off Jillian standing in second place. Carly gets a blue ribbon and a photo shoot reenacting the famous “American Gothic” painting while the others watch. Then Kimmel steps in to be in the painting with The Farmer. JAR.
The gang heads to the top of a hotel for a cocktail party and before drinks are served, Carly grabs The Farmer for some alone time. She explains that she is a woman and he is a man (JAR) and she wants to take advantage of the moment by sucking face. Not to be outdone, Amber asks The Farmer to dance during their alone time before snogging. Then we see Jillian playing tonsil hockey and I realize I’ve run out of different ways to say “make out.” TO THE THESAURUS!
Meanwhile, Mackenzie passes a note to The Farmer asking him to meet her at her locker before Geometry class. She’s like totally irritated that he like kisses like all these like other girls, when he like totally like kissed her the other day and like, does he even remember? The Farmer shuffles his feet, adjusts his backpack and mumbles something about football practice and taco Tuesday in the cafeterorium before catching up with his buddies.
Mackenzie heads back to the corral of women waiting for their alone time and offers explicit details of the entire exchange. I said it last week and I’ll say it again: SOMEONE TEACH THIS GIRL ABOUT FILTERS. Where’s Cabin Counselor Renee when we need her?
After Mackenzie voices her concern that the bachelor is swapping spit with every other woman on the show, Britt becomes paranoid. She decides to confront these feelings by pushing them aside and planting one on The Farmer. Let the record show he kisses Britt way more aggressively than any of the other women.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Becca chooses to have a normal conversation with The Farmer before telling him that she doesn’t want to rush anything physical. The Farmer smiles, agreeing that he should have to earn a kiss from Becca and I decide that she is my favorite of them all. The Farmer agrees with me and gives Becca the date card rose. Carly picks cow poop from under her fingernails, seething with jealousy, but Melrose definitely took home the trophy for best reaction to this news:
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
“Today is going to be fun. No whining.”
Okay, that tag line deserves a JAR, but it is pretty funny. I actually like her, but it’s not secret that Whitney’s voice BUGS. However, there is hope. She can bring it down an octave when she’s not trying to be fabulous. You could hear it when they were toasting in the vineyard, right after they had a riveting conversation about the origins of “go with the flow” but before they discovered a wedding was about to commence right behind them. Whitney suggests they crash the party, because YOLO and whatnot.
Ah YOLO. The carpe diem of the annoying.
The Farmer looks like he’s about to blow chunks at the thought of YOLO-ing. Or maybe he’s already three sheets to the wind? I’m not sure. Both look to the producers to get the okay before consuming even more liquid courage, changing clothes and sending the ABC Intern to wrap up the decorative pillows at the picnic so they can crash Emily Post style with a wedding gift.
They need a solid story to sell the gig. Everyone knows a good lie is all about the details. They think long and hard and decide they are an engaged couple and that’s as far as they get before Whitney strips off a big diamond ring from her right hand and places it on an important finger on her left. There’s no need to plan beyond that in The Farmer’s mind, but Whitney shoots for the stars daydreaming about walking down the aisle six months from now, their first home and how their babies will be corn-fed beauties. Meanwhile, the Farmer pontificates that the worst case scenario would be that he and Whitney go to jail for their transgressions. Does YOLO in his world mean robbing the wedding guests?
Whitney fabricates a beautiful engagement story and is practically a member of the wedding party 10 minutes into the crash. The Farmer fails miserably, choosing to sit at the one table full of all the bride’s relatives. He copes with his YOLO anxiety by pouring himself some dinner. Hand him the booze and watch him get fabulous people! Whitney follows him to the dance floor where they cabbage patch alongside the bride and groom. The Farmer gets to first base with Whitney and gives her the rose for being the best liar in his world. Whitney is super excited she got the rose and can’t wait for Nick and Shannon to crash their wedding!
Kimmel arrives at the mansion to break some news to the girls: the cocktail party has been replaced by a pool party! Everyone squeals with glee, except Ashley I-Lashes, who is super bummed because she “had a whole Kardashian look planned tonight.” She brushes her eyelashes, slips into a black bikini and tops off the ensemble with an Egyptian head bracelet.
Juelia asks The Farmer if he will join her for some one-on-one time. He agrees and they wave at Jillian’s black modesty box as they head to the outdoor cabana area. Juelia apparently told The Farmer about her husband committing suicide before, but she provides more details now. It was incredibly sad and The Farmer was the perfect listener. He didn’t say a word during the hard parts, he pulled her in for a hug during the really hard parts and asked the ABC Intern to fetch her a tissue when the mascara running became an issue. At the end, he told her that her daughter will be fine because he’s sure she is a great mom. Bless her heart, she’s not ready for this “adventure” in my opinion. She needs to heal at home where there aren’t black modesty boxes and crazy people lurking in the bushes.
Jade is tired of everyone thinking she’s the teacher, so she takes matters into her own hands, suggesting that The Farmer give her a tour of his bachelor pad. For some reason, she’s wearing a silk robe from the Laura Ashley collection over her beige bikini and matching stiletto heels. While Jade wanders around the inside of The Farmer’s pad, Jillian and the black modesty box wander around the outside, waiting for The Farmer to exit his dwelling so she can convince him to join her in the hot tub.
Jillian’s going to have to make conversation with her black box, because Jade isn’t leaving anytime soon. After talking about how this process is hard for her, Jade ends up horizontal in The Farmer’s bed with porn music playing in the background. My eyes! MY EYES! WHERE IS MY BLACK MODESTY BOX? Here’s hoping the kids didn’t walk through the living room at this exact moment. If a gun was held to my head, I would be able to intricately sketch the entire right side of Jade’s body and that’s a skill I don’t particularly want floating around in my subconscious.
Jade leaves the house giggling with The Farmer. They run directly into Jillian. She immediately invites bachelor to join her in the hot tub, which he does. Jillian is livid when Ashley I-Lashes saunters over. Jillian tells I-Lashes that she literally just sat down to give her black modesty box a break, and she needs more one-on-one time with The Farmer. Ashley I-Lashes apologizes and retreats to the bushes where Mackenzie and Megan wait. This is when Ashley I-Lashes shows tell-tale signs of coming apart at the seams.
Cracking under the pressure doesn’t really go with your head bracelet Ash. Look alive.
After 10 minutes, the trio return to the hot tub, jump in and awkwardly sit in silence as Jillian dominates her man and the conversation. Ashley I-Lashes apologizes once again for ruining Jillian’s alone time and she leaves on the verge of tears. Later, The Farmer seeks her out. She grabs him and drags him to the upstairs balcony. Ashley I-Lashes begins her one-on-one time by tattling on the floozy in the Jacuzzi. The tears are not far behind and I yell for The Farmer to rub her genie charm and use his second wish for her to hold it together and not fall off the ledge. He didn’t because he’s saving it for the fantasy suite.
Ashley I-Lashes goes in for the kill and we all collectively wonder why she moves around so much when she’s kissing? She does a lot of standing and pulling and man handling, again, not ideal for a make out sesh on a ledge. How her head bracelet stayed on the entire time is remarkable. It must be magical like her belly charm.
Jimmy gives The Farmer a pep talk before the rose ceremony, making two suggestions:
Don’t be yourself.
Be someone who gives better speeches.
Roses go to:
Becca: She’s my front runner.
Mackenzie: This one surprised me
Melrose: Don’t judge her for being quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.
Black Modesty Box: Per Kristan’s tweet request!
— Kristan D. Siegel (@TXKristan) January 20, 2015
The darling teacher left with style, Amber left with tears and Trina left to return her borrowed outfit to Krystle Carrington.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Did you enjoy Kimmel’s wacky antics? Did you think Jade’s butt deserved a black modesty box? Would you be able to chug fresh goat milk like a boss?
Sound off in the comments section and remember to share your favorite line of the recap for my weekly Bachelor Button on the sidebar!
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,