Bachelor Recap: Free Falling, Photoshoots and Joey Potter?
It’s only week two on The Bachelor and for some reason, I feel like the women have multiplied since settling into the mansion with their overstuffed suitcases, spray tan machines and teeth whitening apparatuses. I honestly do not recognize half of the contestants during Chris Harrison’s “Sean’s taking this seriously” speech as he pulls the first date card out of his back pocket (lucky envelope.) Perhaps it’s due to the fact that most resisted shalacking on their pageant-worthy makeup in lieu of a morning mimosa?
It doesn’t matter. What really matters is that Sean must get in a decent, one hour, sweaty, shirtless workout and as luck would have it, the cameras were there to catch every rep. Every bead of sweat rolling down pectorals. Even the shower scene.
Even though the episode was fairly mundane, this b-roll packages makes it abundantly clear why most of us are watching this show.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE ONE
Kristy the Ford Model politely waits three seconds for Harrison to leave the general date card area before snatching the envelope, ripping open its contents and begrudgingly announcing to the group of hungover contestants that Sarah is the lucky girl who has scored the first date of season 17. Sarah heads upstairs to get ready, hoping that Sean won’t treat her differently just because she has one arm.
The familiar sound of a helicopter approaching results in all of our bachelorettes rushing outside to marvel at the wonder of aviation technology. Truly. It’s as if no one has ever heard of let alone seen a helicopter before. Sean hops out, greets the ladies, spots his date and steers her in the direction of the waiting mode of transportation by casually throwing his arm around her shoulder. Sarah gushes, knowing that by touching her there, he’s totally cool with the fact that she only has one arm.
Then the DOH! moment comes. Sarah is leaning in to Sean’s lap so she can see the beautiful smog of Los Angeles and Sean absent-mindedly goes in to caress her outer arm, which does not exist. He hits air right where her elbow should be and lands somewhere around her outer hip/butt region. He leaves it there as if that was his plan all along.
Smooth as silk, Sean — did Arie teach you that too?
The love birds land on a skyscraper where they are strapped into borrowed Downton Abbey girdles, made to wear dorky helmet cams and given the instruction to leap off the building where they will free fall for 35 floors. Think egg drop experiment you had to do in sixth grade physical science class. Except with people.
Please. How many times have we witnessed this date? As you may have guessed, taking the plunge is a bonding experience that gives them confidence in their budding relationship. Sean gives Sarah a rose even after she tells a sad story in her slow talking Valley Girl accent that she didn’t get to go zip lining one time with her dad because the law said disabled people weren’t allowed. Sean was mortified. She appreciated his distaste and said that she was glad to know that if he had been there, he would have stood up for her. Sean responded by using the words protect, guard and heart. My skin crawled a little bit as I feared he would run out and ruin that perfect chest by getting an S+S = love tattoo.
They end up back on the roof where it’s Sarah who goes in for the first legitimate kiss of the season. I have to say that he’s progressed, but there’s still something off. I think it’s his insistent puckering approach. Here’s hoping Arie has Facetime on his phone so they can really practice how to get this thing right. Or I’m going to be a ridiculous wreck for the next eight weeks.
Here we go again. Our resident villain Tierra is ticked off that she has to share “her man” with 12 other girls on a dumb date as they all pile in to the limo with their sponsored Stella & Dot statement necklaces. PS: Clearly it’s mandatory that your boots should be at least twice the length of your shorty shorts or you’re not allowed in the stretch. Champagne toast for Sean…LET’S GO!
They arrive at a mansion, where Sean greets them in a grand ballroom, announcing that they are going to do a sexy photo shoot for Harlequin since they are the experts in romance. I don’t know how he kept from laughing during that sentence.
Kristy the Ford Model is pumped. Selma is too because she thinks Harlequin’s red series are en fuego. Tierra is fuming and Katie squats into downward facing dog to relieve some on coming stress.
Robyn has already discovered that Tierra is a big, fat fake and begins bad mouthing her to her stylist who knowingly states that hos are a dime a dozen. After looking up how to spell the plural of ho, I become a bit disappointed that Robyn is blatantly talking ugly about Tierra because I want her to be a nice girl. Then Tierra becomes over-the-top disgusted at the fact that Ford Model Kristy has hair extensions and I don’t really care anymore. In fact, I start taking bets among my viewing party friends who thinks it’s Robyn that shoves Tierra down the winding staircase next week. Stay tuned!
There are four photo shoots involving different genres that are the most popular among those who sneak a peek in the drug store as they pretend to flip through “Real Simple” magazine. Gothic vampire sheik is one group thanks to Eric Northman. Socialite glam is another thanks to every Kardashian. Manly cowboys are the third group thanks to my dreams and those who drew the short sticks are forced to make antebellum dresses sexy as they swoon from a balcony.
Selma channels her best Scarlet O’Hara. Robyn takes a bite out of Sean’s chin. And Lesley M. doesn’t do anything in particular to turn Sean on, but the chaps, tied up shirt and crunchy cowboy hat certainly are making an impression. Even the horse tries to get in on the action.
Now it’s time for the socialites to dance in formal cocktail attire. Tierra chooses to hoist her leg up on Sean’s hip and grind. Twelve eyes project daggers into her soul. She loves it. He loves it. TAKE THAT FORD MODEL!
Kristy enters the scene, takes Sean’s hands and backs into his crotchal region and commands the shoot. Up becomes down. In becomes out. Cold becomes hot and the duo end up with a book deal where they will be the cover of a series called SEDUCTION. Kristy is stoked to have something on her Ford Model resume besides JC Penney Spring Collection and immediately rubs it in that she’s the champion.
Sensing a little tension among the undead, rodeo groupies, mint julep sippers and those with daddy issues, Sean announces that he’s ready to get out of his clothes to head to the pool party.
Ironically, Sean was wearing his signature v-neck and jeans at the time before changing into a casual suit. Just something we noticed. Yes, I’ve resorted to reporting on Sean’s random musings and wardrobe choices. Lord help us all through this season.
Sean immediately seeks out Lesley, hoping that he’ll see that cowgirl side of her personality again. Giddyup. She tells him that she’s here for love and is hopeful. Both want a kiss. Sean mis-reads the signs. Lesley gives him horrible body language. Her skirt looks like window paneling. That’s all I’ve got.
Where’s Harrison? Could we bring him back wearing that awesome plaid shirt he had during the date card scene? Anyone? Is this thing on?
Daniella is ridiculously drunk. Kristy’s shorts are shorter than short. And Katie’s hair looks like that time Monica’s hair was big and frizzy when they went on vacation and it rained the whole time. Isn’t it great how life still holds moments that can always point back to Friends?
Kacie B. reminds Sean that she has a crush on him. He tells her that she has totally caught him off guard because he has to transition from friend to pursuer.
Sean: “You are one of my good friends. Now I have to think differently.”
Kacie B: “I know. We totally get each other. But we don’t at the same time. I’m mysterious. I’m more than a baton twirler. I’m totally teaching the girls about the inner workings of The Bachelor and rarely giving false advice because I have to get pretty far with you in order to have my shot at being the Bachelorette next season. That’s what Fleiss said when I sold my soul to him. Therefore, I want to explore this.”
A good 10 seconds go by before Sean mumbles, “Yeah. Me too.”
I’m telling you. He’s feeling more of Sarah’s phantom arm than he is feeling Kacie B.
Sean finds Tierra stuffing her face with apple slices and cheese squares (side note: is this the first time we’ve ever seen the contestants eat?) and listens as she complains about being out of her comfort zone. He assures her that she is sweet and has a good heart and he feels a connection with her.
Meanwhile, Katie arrives at the bar with crazier hair than ever. No, it’s not the California dew. She’s clearly been doing Bikram and her nerves are still frazzled. She confides in the one girl who may know how to handle the situation.
Katie: “I’m not sure this is for me.”
Kacie B: “Baton twirling? It’s super easy. Here. You can borrow mine.”
Katie: “No. This whole thing. I’m not cut out for it.”
Kacie B: “Then you should follow your heart and leave. Right now. Tell him. Now. Let’s go. I’ll take you to him.”
Cut to Kacie B. threatening to cut Katie’s yoga mat to shreds if she stays one more minute when she JUST CONFESSED that she’s not in it for the right reasons.
Katie: “I’m not adjusting well at all.”
Sean: “I know. I’ve been there. I had a hard time with all the cattiness too. But I just got over the fact that that Chris dude was a total chach. Then I formed an alliance with Arie and now we are total bros. Hang in there.”
Katie: “I think I need to go home.”
Sean: “I’ll walk you out.”
Poor girl. She couldn’t handle the stress and her hair couldn’t handle the humidity. Namaste Katie. Namaste.
Tierra is fuming when she learns that Kacie B. got the rose for cheating the system. Heads are going to roll next week!
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Sean tells us for the millionth time that he loves to joke around. He’s enlisted Chris Harrison to help him pull off the ultimate prank on Des. He takes her to a fake art gallery opening, sticks her in a room and then arranges for a million dollar piece to fall and smash on the floor. The “artist” pretends to be upset for a minute before Sean comes in to let the cat out of the bag, telling her this is all a big joke.
I have several thoughts.
1. What kind of ghetto art gallery was this? I’m quite certain the ABC intern took most of his doodlings from his idea notebook of past seasons and just sent them to Kinko’s to be enlarged. Was this supposed to be a part of the joke?
2. Des was NOT FOOLED! She was practically smiling because she knew from the color by numbers piece on the south wall that this was not for real. And the “artist” wasn’t a good actor. They would have done better hiring the dude in the Batman costume handing out in the front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. When he asked, “Who’s gonna pay for this?” I begged Des to answer Chris Harrison! She didn’t. She just stood there. Bored. Like me.
3. Let’s call a spade a spade, it was the prank of a dorky dad or a bumbling uncle from a Nickelodeon sitcom. Sean has tried this “goofy” bit a few times now and it just doesn’t translate. So help me if he asks someone to pull his finger this season…
4. I’m forever distracted by Des’ striking resemblance to Joey Potter from TV’s beloved ’90s cult favorite Dawson’s Creek. Most of the time I hear Paula Cole’s whining theme when she comes on the screen and all I can do is whine along that I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over. Will it be yes? Or will it be sorry?
5. Who serves broccoli on a first date? Everyone knows it makes you have digestive distress. COME ON SEAN. And how comfy was Joey Potter in that tight little cocktail dress? I bet if she dug around upstairs, she would have found a pair of Ashley’s pajama bottoms from the time she and JP had a pizza picnic.
6. OH WAIT! She brought her teeny tiny purple “bikini” for stagnant hot tub time. She’s saved! They seem to be very comfortable and the kissing certainly did come easier with Joey than anyone else in the house. Could he be her Pacey?
Sean admits that some of these girls would be super fun to date while others are worth paddling down a creek for. He needs to figure out which is which.
Lindsay wisely apologizes for her champagne-induced wedding gown shenanigans before throwing in the small fact that her dad is a general in the Army. Fearful that he will be drafted, Sean admits that she’s a pretty cool chick that he’d like to get to know better.
I know the show pegged Amanda as the crazy one that makes everyone super uncomfortable with her weird coffee drinking habits and I will concede that she is being portrayed as someone who is trying to ease off the meds during her journey to find love. Amanda spends most of the cocktail party with her arms crossed, sitting on the sofa completely by herself unless drunk Daniella is quizzing her about that mythological city under water which she eventually learns from Lesley M that the proper name is “the Hades.”
Oh how I weep for future generations of this great country.
Regardless, if Amanda is suffering from withdrawal or tricky editing, her statement necklace and yellow Cinnabon shoulder pads do enough communicating on their own.
Then Robyn plucks the courage to ask a million dollar question:
Robyn: “I’ve noticed this group of girls is more diverse than before.”
Sean: “I don’t know what you’re going to ask, but I love this question already.”
Robyn: “Would you date an African-American?”
Sean: “The producers asked me what I wanted and I told them I didn’t care. I’ve dated Hispanic, Persian and in fact, the last girl I dated was black.”
Robyn is thrilled with his answer. I on the other hand am confused. I thought his last girlfriend was a blond haired, blue eyed southern girl with a mini-me running around in her section of their mansion. Huh.
Roses are eventually handed out to:
Lindsay the Bride
Jackie the Red Head
Catherine the Vegan Beef Eater
Kristy the Ford Model
Taryn the One Who Needs Ultra Swim Because Her Hair is a Little Greenish
Daniella the Drunk
Amanda the Socially Awkward
Diana the single Mom and the tall Brooke are asked to leave the mansion.
Next week, the paramedics really do come in to rescue Tierra from a nasty fall down the stairs. Was she pushed? Did she trip in her five-inch beach heels? Was this a prank gone awry? Will Chris Harrison and Sean laugh and point from a secret room? What about her statement necklace? Is it okay? We’ll have to tune in to see!
Until then I’m all about the fame, not the shame,