Bachelor Recap: Got Milk?
I’ve been recapping “The Bachelor” for about a decade. I’ve logged a ton of hours studying the “special” intricacies of this show and consider myself proficient in both the logistics needed and emotions best suited for a journey to find love. After 17 seasons, patterns begin to emerge. The competitors slowly fall into their roles and The Bachelor archetypes are on display for the world to see and judge accordingly.
Sean is, of course, the resident beefcake. When you have a body like Sean’s you embrace the role with chiseled biceps and play your part with as many free weights and as much baby oil that’s needed to convey your character. Why would ABC deny us the gratuitous morning workout b-roll that we’ve been privy to for the last five weeks? Lord help us all if Our Host Chris Harrison (obvious archetype = the stud) is mysteriously absent as well. This Blogger may have to boycott.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Oh good. There’s Harrison. Everyone try to calm down. I know it’s hard because he’s rocking that striped shirt and his wardrobe choices have the potential power to be extremely distracting, but we must be strong.
OHCH: “Ladies. I’ve got a sure fire remedy for that hangover. See me after the break Danielle. Those dark glasses don’t fool anyone. Guess what? It’s two-on-one date time! It’s your chance to go beyond the Thunderdome and come out smelling like a date rose on the other side. Get ready. Two go in and only one comes out.”
The girls shift uncomfortably in their yoga pants, just itching for Harrison to put the date card down, knowing that one lucky girl will be listed as the coveted one-on-one date recipient. But Harrison lingers.
OHCH: “I’m not here to deposit a date card from my lucky back pocket. No way. They pay me the big bucks to announce that y’all need to pack your bags because this journey to find love is touring worldwide. That’s right! We’re going to MONTANA!”
Not since the time I learned that Roberto would not be the next bachelor have I ever seen such disappointed faces. Buck up ladies. Just because ABC is experiencing budget cuts and you’re not going to Belize in week five doesn’t mean you shouldn’t bask in the glory of your phat wilderness lodge, free booze and time off of work at the Sephora counter. There are a bunch of blessings here. Start counting.
We learn that Lindsay will have the opportunity to “let her love soar” as the date card is read before the group. More than likely, your entire watching party whispers variations of the same inquiry: “Who’s that girl?” Someone remembers she was the wackadoo wearing the wedding dress on Day 1 while another incorrectly convinces the group that her name is Lucy. You’re glad she scored the one-on-one so you can get to know her better.
Sweet Lori cries a little at the promise of fresh mountain air in her lungs and puts on her best Brawny shirt and skinny jeans for the adventure. Sean picks her up from the lodge and leads her to a waiting helicopter in the back.
Laney: “Is that a helicopter?”
Lincee: “Nope. It’s a figment of your imagination. Pay no attention to the spinning blades overhead. Here’s your sign.”
They spend a cold afternoon in an Indian reservation at the base of a mountain. They discuss how well they feel they know each other between make out sessions. After a while, the baby talk grates on my nerves and I choose to mute the television. No one watching with me seems to mind. They all have that sort of glazed over look that often accompanies women who refuse to speak in a normal octave.
The picnic date is moved indoors to a bear skin rug under a very large moose head. Lindy talks about how hard it was being an adolescent because her father was a two-star general and they had to move around which is tough on an adolescent and it is important to her to give that adolescent self a strong foundation.
Word of the day toilet paper ladies and gentlemen. Must be used three times in 24-hours to stick.
Sean eases the tension by massaging her thigh conveniently placed in his lap and they return to making out before the ABC intern politely taps him on the shoulder, reminding our young stud that “he” has planned one more surprise for the not-so-adolescent. He leads her outside where random Montanans high five this tall, handsome stranger for putting their tiny town on a map. They’re shoved onto a box in the middle of the crowd and Sarah Darling serenades the non-two-stepping Texan (COME ON SEAN!) and his has-no-problem-with-PDA date. We choose to overlook Sean’s rather fetching metrosexual jeans and choose rather to focus on his date’s ability to fly well below the radar. You go Lacey.
Because Montana is one of the squarish northern states up by Canada, the girls are forced to wear additional layers over their LA-trendy shorty shorts and tank tops. The statement necklaces have been replaced with statement scarves. Eight pairs of statement Uggs make their way across the wilderness where a rugged mountain man in the form of Harrison and a Nordic reflection of Sean await their arrival.
Selma makes an embarrassing spectacle of herself by running and jumping into his arms, her crotchal area extremely close to his. She’s careful not to get her lips anywhere the vicinity of his mouth. The rest of the girls and Our Host wait for her to dismount before he begins.
OHCH: “Welcome to our Montana Wilderness Relay Race! I literally can not wait to see this business unfold. Truly. Winners get to hang with Sean on a rooftop somewhere drinking cocktails and wrapping themselves in fuzzy blankets. Losers have to go home and watch Tierra catch up on her correspondence. All you have to do is row a canoe 50 yards, carry some hay bales from here to there, saw a log and milk a goat. Extra points are awarded to the girl who guzzles said goat milk at the finish line. You look hot in your lumberjack shirts. Have I told you that? Ready? GO!”
Selma and Robyn are on the red team and even though both seem like women who probably could hang in a round of common sense trivia, neither could summon the mental power to move their canoe in a forward direction. I blame Tierra hatred in Robyn’s case. For Selma, it was the bedazzled head wrap inspired by the Grey Gardens chic section of her local store front boutique. Everyone is to blame for the unfortunate camera angles in the canoe.
As Little Edie and Robyn float around in a ticket of weeds, the blue team is booking it and have now reached the hay bale transport section of the lumberjack obstacle course. Alas, hay is not a solid formation and one entire bale falls apart just as the red team emerges from the river wild. They are back on track and Sarah would like for me to inform you that her lack of arm was not a hindrance to their hale bale moving dynasty.
Sean cheers the girls on as they learn the rhythm of sawing a log and pretends to not hear when Danielle mistakes the goats for dogs. Both teams arrive at their respective utters at the same time, but it’s Des who sweet talks her nanny into giving up the goods for the sake of the date. She charges to the finish line, Mason jar in tow, and chugs the sweet nectar with reckless abandon. It’s like the redneck version of a ring dunk on the back porch of the Dixie Chicken (is that an oxymoron?) but instead of retrieving your Texas A&M class ring at the end of the exercise, you get roughly 20 minutes alone with a guy who REALLY wants you to pop an Altoid before he goes anywhere near that mouth.
Things we didn’t need to know? The milk was warm. And came out of her nose. Team Red for the WIN!
Des, Sarah and miraculously Robyn and Selma get to go to dinner with Sean! They wave goodbye to their fellow Olympians as AshLee, Leslie, Daniella and Catherine board the reject van where trail mix and bottled water are quickly passed around.
Sean: “Watching the blue team drive away left a sinking feeling in my stomach.”
Translation: “I really, really, really like Catherine, possibly Leslie and maybe AshLee. It’s really all about the math, so let’s bend the rules a little bit. HARRISON? FETCH ME THE BLUE TEAM.”
Harrison turns a steely gaze toward the frightened bachelor and smiles.
OHCH: “You get one of those in your lifetime. Only because I’m already headed over to the lodge to talk to Tierra about Bachelor Pad submissions will I do your bidding. Tread lightly Nordic. Tread lightly.”
Our Host finds the losing team in various stages of intoxication, since each was drowning her sorrows in her respective adult beverages of choice. He gives them 20 minutes to stuff, smear, pluck and tease before sending them back out to the victory party. Clearly those on the Red Team think this move is super uncool, especially Des, who still tastes goat milk residue in her mouth. But the Blue Team will not be thwarted.
And even kleptomaniac non-members of the Blue Team with not be thwarted! Tierra steals one of the Lumberjack Olympic Brawny shirts, promises the intern a trip to second base in exchange for an address to the victory part and just happens to saunter in the bar as Sean is giving a talking head testimony about “the surprises” that were happening that night. Tierra shimmies up behind him, apparently hops up on an apple box and puts her hands on his eyes demanding that he, “GUESS WHO!”
A look of despair crosses Sean’s face that can only be translated as, “Please Fleiss. Not Kacie B. again.” But before he can recover, Tierra has let go and revealed her amazing presence.
Sean: “What are you doing here?”
Tierra: “I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you. And for a two-on-one? What the hay?”
Sean: “I just need you to be patient.”
Tierra: “I don’t want to be misled. It felt like a huge slap in the face.”
Sean: “Can someone please get this darn red flag out of here?”
Tierra: “I know one of us is going home. Make the right decision.”
Meanwhile, back at the lodge, Jackie is still congratulating herself for figuring out such an awesome hiding place. It’s been an hour and Tierra STILL hasn’t found her!
Sean is relinquished back into the fold where Des intercepts him and spends her quality time irritated that she chugged goat milk and doesn’t get anything special in return. One might argue that her “special time” is coming later in the night and will be accompanied by a sever case of stomach cramps, but that’s neither here nor there.
Des: “I exerted myself. I worked hard to win.”
Sean: “I get it. But you can’t decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with based on a lumberjack competition. Volleyball? Of course. Shot gunning the milk fresh from the teet of a goat? Not so much.”
AshLee tries another tactic. She compares him to a fairytale prince and admits she’s crazy for him. Catherine steals him away where they find a lone bench. Even though there is plenty of room for two, she insists on sitting on his lap. My Mother would be SO DISGUSTED.
Linea Ray: “There’s a seat right there. RIGHT THERE. There is no need for you to sit in his lap when there are seating options in front of you. For that matter, if there are no options, HE SHOULD STAND and offer YOU the seat. It’s tacky. TACKY I SAY!”
I may or may not have heard this a few hundred times in high school. Don’t even get me started on “putting a noose around your fiance’s neck” in engagement pictures. “Stand or sit by each other like a normal couple. Choking in pictures is tacky. TACKY I SAY!”
At Daniella’s fifth cosmo, she and Sean have their first serious conversation. Daniella cries. Sean consoles. Daniella sticks her tongue down his throat. Sean sees something in Daniella that he hasn’t before and gives her the date rose. She remembers nothing of this night.
Tierra and Jackie
Tierra is ecstatic that she has scored the dreaded two-on-one. Take that taboo! She’s going to take that ancient tiki, put it around her neck and dare the back luck spirits to mess with her date. She doesn’t care what happened to Greg on his surf board. SHE HAS A GOOD FEELING PEOPLE.
Jackie, knowing she has the same chance with Sean as she does with Ames, does the only thing she can do. She whines.
Jackie: “This is ridiculous. No one comes here wanting a two-on-one.”
Tierra: “I think it’s a good thing.”
Jackie: “You’re just trying to mess with my head.”
Lincee: “I think it’s working.”
This was a pretty rough date. Not only did Jackie draw the short stick, but she drew the lame horse. He wouldn’t trot. Tierra is up ahead galloping like the carefree girl on a tampon commercial and Jackie is stuck plodding along behind. She claims she’s not intimidated by Tierra at all. That may be true, but we all know she’s intimidated by Sean’s Mr. Rogers sweater. I know I am. Well, maybe not so much intimidated as bewildered by its existence.
Sean asks for some alone time with Jackie. Instead of inquiring about her life, he does what any smart man would do in this situation. Recon. She further nails her coffin shut by breaking the cardinal rule: NEVER TALK ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS BEING THERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS. Get your head in the game, Red. In contrast, when being escorted to the limo after the most awkward date ever and you have the opportunity to tell Sean the truth about the manipulative victim in the group, GROW A PAIR AND TELL HIM. You’re the Tattler! Tattle already! Quit speaking in code, warning Sean to guard his heart. Tell him he’s on a one-way trip to Crazy Town and Tierra is the mayor.
Random question: How many dead animals did you count in the rose ceremony room? The answer: 17. You’re welcome.
Let’s call a spade a spade people. This entire rose ceremony was an elaborate showcase for Tierra’s crazy. Paying homage to the villains before her (see Courtney, Vienna, Michelle Money), Tierra wears the Drama Queen title proudly. She opts out of displaying crazy eyes and a token “WINNING” catch phrase and goes straight for the maniacal laughter. She’ll go far.
The best part of the night was when she was going off on Robyn just as Sean was walking by. I loved how he just kept walking as if a tiny little pocket person who has to be bleeped out every other word is a normal occurrence in this cracked out show we’ve all come to love. She will not be “threh-ened” (read: threatened) and is extremely “fusstrated” (read: frustrated). She must go and explain her behavior to Sean.
Tierra: “The girls are attacking me.”
Tierra: “All of them. And I’m not doing anything!”
Sean: “All of them?”
Tierra: “I’m not a drama person at all. I have a big heart.”
Sean: “Arie warned me about a girl who claims to not be dramatic but I can’t remember what it was. Here. Hold this red flag while I call him.”
Later, Sean asks Leslie to give him the 4-1-1 on the Tierra drama. She opts out with a safe, vague answer, knowing what happens when girls tattle. This “fusstrates” Sean more than ever and he’s visibly relieved to retreat to the sanctuary of the Pier One Rustic Ladder (formerly known as Bureau) to hash things out with Our Host. Harrison seems bored, so they go ahead and hand out roses.
Robyn is sent packing. I guess the chocolate was just too sweet for him.
Next week, hypothermia sets in. Can someone get some eye make up remover for Tierra? She’d want to look her best even though her lips are a cautious blue.
All about the shame, not the fame,