Bachelor Recap: Juan and One, We Were Having Some Fun
I knew it was going to be a long night when b-roll footage of tropical wildlife was featured after each commercial. Teasing the pending drama of what went down in DAndi’s forgo hut for 90 minutes didn’t help my nerves, so I decided to settle in and let the ABC current take me on this journey at its own pace. It was a smooth ride until we got to Nikki’s Pocahontas outfit she snagged from the naughty section of Party City.
But we’ll get to that later.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I can’t believe we are already down to three women. Juan Pablo can’t believe it either. He’s super excited to have overnight dates with these women with NO CAMERAS. And what better place to further fall in love…than in Saint Lucia.
Clare meets him in the village where they board a small boat. Not only has she mastered the “casual face” she plasters on when she’s forced to be in an environment that includes Nikki or one that wreaks havoc on her hair, but she also has a PhD in baby talk. And for the first time in franchise history, our bachelor is just as proficient in the language. I couldn’t help but mute the television. Sadly, the dude driving the boat didn’t have that luxury.
They motor their way to a yacht and do yachty things. We get a butt shot of Clare. A crotch shot of Juan Pablo. They talk about her hometown date and then take a leap of faith into the ocean where we are treated to some regrettable underwater crotch angles.
At dinner, Clare wears a slinky, white dress made of material that is remarkably similar to the sheets I LOVE from Bed Bath & Beyond. After seeing her, Juan Pablo tells the camera that he is ready to get to know Clare better. A LOT better.
He refrained from winking and shooting fingers guns at the monitor. I appreciated that.
At dinner, they make duck faces at each other between snogging and face pawing sessions. Clare tells him that she is ready to be a step mom and would want to talk to Camila about this process because it’s important for her to know that she would be adding love to her life.
JP: “You’ve done some good thinking. Oh look! A note from Chris Harrison under this pillow!”
Clare pretends to be concerned about alone time with Juan Pablo because of Oceangate in Viet Nam. She says something about it mattering to her what it matters to him and he responds by saying, “Eet’s okay. We are on the same page.”
I hope that page is the table of contents because I need some direction on what in the world just happened. Did anyone understand that exchange of information? Perhaps it was the waterfall sounds in the background that made me distracted? Or did Clare’s dress cause me to subconsciously daydream about my awesome sheets and my bed?
I try to maintain focus. Juan Pablo tells Clare that “eet’s okay” for them to check out the fantasy suite because there will be NO CAMERAS. When he starts speaking to her in Spanish baby talk I decide I no longer care that I can’t follow what’s going on and figure slamming my head against a brick wall would be just as entertaining.
Clare assures Juan Pablo that she is “loving falling in love with him.” The sultry piano music is a clue to Juan Pablo that he should not make out with her at this moment and just sit in silence. Face pawing and hair fixing is totally allowed though.
Clare: “My heart was frozen.”
Lincee: “Let it go, let it goooooooooo!”
Clare: “It was a big block of ice and you melted it.”
Lincee: “The cold never bothered me anyway.”
The spicy Latin music cues Juan Pablo that it’s time to get sexy in the hot tub.
Clare: “I want to have babies with this man.”
Juan Pablo: “My sleepover with Clare was great. It’s how you get to know somebody.”
Lincee: “Ten bucks he doesn’t know her last name.”
The next day, DAndi arrives in the town square wearing a cute red dress. Juan Pablo borrowed her orange tank top with green piping. They attend the Saint Lucia Seafood Festival and take over a few steel pans from a local band’s rhythm section. After tapping out a few bars of the obligatory “Hot Hot Hot,” Juan Pablo grabbed some food and squished in to a picnic table with a couple of local kids. He forced juice on the little one before discovering the other two loved soccer.
He whips his shirt off and starts a pickup game with DAndi running around barefoot, giggling that her maybe boyfriend is soooooo good with kids. Later they take a dune buggy out to the jungle and trek their way to another beautiful waterfall. A bridge-like formation has been constructed by the ABC Intern so the pair can dine on tropical delicacies with the picturesque waterfall spewing behind them.
DAndi asks Juan Pablo what her dad said on the hometown date. He told her in a nutshell that he answered “over my dead body” when the visitor requested sanctuary in the household. He appreciated his honesty and this seemed to appease DAndi. She strips to reveal another one piece before they make out, literally, under the rushing water.
She chooses a darling dress and sensible ponytail for dinner. They sit down on the couch and Juan Pablo actually initiates a conversation with DAndi. She thanks him for listening, he admits that he thinks about her and if she would move to Florida and would she have to take the bar exam again? This seems to please DAndi and she agrees to the overnight so they can continue to figure things out.
To date, this was the longest air time that Juan Pablo has gone without kissing someone. I believe it was four minutes, but I consider that a victory nonetheless.
The next morning, Juan Pablo shares that he and DAndi talked and laughed for hours and hours last night. He thinks the chemistry is there. He thinks her cheeks are round a cute. Let the record show that those are her face cheeks and not her butt cheeks. She could be the ONE!
DAndi, on the other hand, thought the night was a miserable failure because Juan Pablo doesn’t seem to care about her, her viewpoints or the fact that it is ENTIRELY inappropriate that he brought up his overnight date with Clare.
DA: “I’m not an idiot. I know what happens on forgo dates. But that doesn’t mean he needs to talk about it with me! He has no filter. It comes across as if he doesn’t care. It’s not that I’m questioning if it would work. I know for a fact that it won’t work. I know that I wouldn’t marry him. I know he’s not the one.”
Yikes. Clearly that was unexpected, so ABC gives us time to process. A palate cleanser if you will.
And that came in the form of this:
I simply did not get it. And according to every single one of my social media accounts, neither did y’all.
Let’s put ourselves in her moccasins for just a moment. What went through her head when she learned that she would be riding horses all afternoon?
Nikki: “Let’s see. I’ll need something flesh colored so people watching will think I’m nude on the horse. Oh I know! That Victoria Secret bra from their Santa Fe collection will do! And Anthropologie’s new pajama bottom line made from re-purposed upholstery from the 70s. Perfect! I wonder if these come in booty shorts…”
One messy braid later and she’s straddling a noble steed. Juan Pablo finds her sexy Pocahontas getup extremely hot. They have a flirty conversation about thongs and then happily chirp to the camera that they love how each can be so honest with the other.
They settle on the beach for a picnic.
Clare: “Thank you for bringing me to the most beautiful place I’ve ever been.”
Lincee: “This is better than your beach house in Bora Bora?”
JP: “Eet’s okay.”
Lincee: “Or your chateau in the Swiss Alps?”
The pajama pants come off and the producers are annoyed to learn that Nikki’s bottoms are indeed a literal thong, which is forbidden on network television. The ABC Intern is berated for not having an extra pair of normal bottoms in his backpack. Upon Nikki’s arrival he did manage to locate and shove in a teepee on top of the blanket, decorative throw pillows and candles, but there are no extra bottoms. The graphic dudes who make the cartoon maps and airplanes were called in to create red CGI bottoms on her bare butt. Hooray for cross training!
Nikki arrives in a dress from the same line as Clare. Even though it was in bright yellow, it still made me sleepy. They make out on the couch and I realize that not one meal has been eaten at a table this entire episode.
You get delightful insights like that for free here at iHateGreenBeans.
The third non-Harrison penned forgo card from Our Host is retrieved and Nikki wastes no time in telling Juan Pablo that she is ready to overnight with him.
Juan Pablo: “She could be a good partner for me. She’s honest, pretty and sexy.”
Yes. Honest, pretty and sexy. Three tenets of a successful relationship brought to you by Juan Pablo.
Nikki is super nervous to tell Juan Pablo that she loves him. He sticks his tongue in her mouth to relax her before crooning that eet’s okay. She tells him she loves him and then shares that he’s a great kisser.
Juan Pablo: “I can’t wait to get to know more about Nikki. What does that tattoo say by her boob? What does the curve of her back look like? I memorized her legs four weeks ago, so there’s no mystery there.”
Agreed. Nikki’s legs have their own Twitter account.
The next day, Our Host Chris Harrison puts in some overtime for his own one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. They embrace in a bro hug and then head to the balcony.
Our Host’s baby blues are piercing in his crisp linen shirt. He begins to question Juan Pablo asking, “What does ‘I’m good’ mean?”
JP: “I feel good. One of these could be a match.”
Ah. It all makes sense now. Eet’s okay.
Juan Pablo sits through three video messages. Nikki tells him that her heart is still racing and then reminds him that he already knows because he felt her boob on day one. Clare is falling in love with him and her turquoise statement necklace. And DAndi requests some face-to-face time with Juan Pablo because she can’t do what she needs to do over a video message.
That’s when we see her trudging up a hill in white doily shorts and a simple white linen top. She recaps for those who were watching The Voice on NBC that she has no doubt in her mind this is OVER. She doesn’t think he is taking this seriously and she just wants to be done and call it a day.
More voiceover as she walks. Can someone get this chick a golf cart or rickshaw?
She finally reaches Juan Pablo and begins her long soliloquy about how she was in this to find love, but it’s hard for her to say out loud that it is not going to work.
JP: “Eet’s okay.”
DAndi gives a great stank face and answers, “Well, it SHOULDN’T be okay.”
Juan Pablo calmly explains that if she doesn’t feel it, then he can’t help it. It’s her decision and eet’s okay.
DA: “STOP SAYING THAT IT’S OKAY! IT COMES OFF AS IF YOU DON’T HAVE FEELINGS.”
Juan Pablo casually drops the “English is my second language” card and explains that it is not his intention to hurt her or disrespect her.
DA: “BUT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM! YOU AT LEAST SHOULD HAVE SOME EMOTIONS ABOUT THIS ENTIRE ORDEAL!”
DAndi asks him if he thought the night went well.
JP: “I had a good time.”
DA: “Why would you tell me about your overnight with Clare? That is soooo offensive.”
JP: I’m just being honest.”
DA: “No duh. Which is why you DON’T need to tell me.
JP: “Eet’s fine.”
DA: “THAT’S THE SAME THINGS AS IT’S OKAY!”
It’s at this point that I’m willing DAndi to throw in the towel. Obviously she’s continuing this discussion because she either A. needs her feelings to be justified, B. she wants Juan Pablo to break down and fight for her or C. she just wants to fight with someone.
Then the whole “you’re here by default” comes into play which snowballs into “you don’t know anything about me…my religion, my political views, nothing!”
Juan Pablo calmly tells her that she should have expressed all of these concerns in the fantasy suite. Just as DAndi is defending herself, Juan Pablo busts out with
JP: “What religion am I?”
DA: “Catholic. Boom.”
JP: “I’m not going to argue with you.”
DA: “Don’t put this on me!”
Lincee: “Land the plane DAndi. www.itsover.org
I’m exhausted at this point and so is Juan Pablo. Sadly, DAndi begins the lecture portion of her rant.
DA: “Don’t ever tell a woman that it’s okay. That’s annoying.”
Juan Pablo pulls something wayward from her eyebrow and it’s all she can do not to slap his hand away. She sits, waiting for him to say something redeeming. And then he thanks her for her honesty, stands up and begins to walk her down the path to the rejection van.
JP: “I’m disappointed. I’m not going to argue with a lawyer. She was putting words into my mouth. That killed it right there. But she didn’t feel it. Eet’s okay.”
DAndi broods in her lack of closure.
DA: “He still doesn’t see it. He doesn’t get it. No one wants to be with someone who is so honest that it puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. I bet he’s saying it’s okay right now.”
At the rose ceremony, the remaining arch enemies are decked out in their best casual beach attire as Our Host Chris Harrison escorts them to the ceremony area. After placing Nikki on her mark, he takes a stand beside the pedestal.
OHCH: “Andi is no longer here.”
Lincee: “Way to rip the Band-Aid Hare.”
Nikki is physically shocked and gets teary that her partner in crime has left the island. Clare doesn’t even pretend to be concerned. Juan Pablo wanders out to the podium and hands roses out to Nikki then Clare.
At next week’s Women Tell All, it looks like Juan Pablo is going to be majorly thrown under the bus by all the women.
Note: DAndi’s hair is still ombre.
What did y’all think about the DAndi forgo date? Will she be the next bachelorette? Would you be excited if that fact was true? Is Juan Pablo a d-bag? Does he have feelings? Do you have a fringe bra? Let it goooooooooo in the comments!
I’m all about the fame, not the shame,