Bachelor Recap: Juan Day More
The base is bumping in South Beach as Juan Pablo uses the family whistle to get the attention of his
ex-wife daughter before embracing her in a loving bear hug.
Sidebar: We have a family whistle. It really does come in handy. Try to remember a time before cell phones and think back to the days when you had to whistle in Winn Dixie to find your party after you had run ahead to secure a box of strawberry-flavored Pop Tarts. We also use our family whistle when we come into the house. If you’re upstairs and you hear the door open, it’s comforting to hear the familiar call. Hesitate a moment, and someone could come barreling down with a Louisville Slugger, ready to knock your lights out.
Renee is fluffing the pillows on the horizontal couch, Chelsie is dreaming of body shots off a certain bachelor’s abs, DAndi is unnecessarily worrying about something, Clare is pawing through a box of complimentary bikinis, Nurse Nikki is cutting off another two inches from that spandex dress she bought in the junior’s department and Opera is brooding under the stairs, softly running through the musical scales, irritated that so many fellow competitors think it’s weird that she’s wearing earrings that look like the bones of a fish. These are earrings nerdy people wear. Get over it.
Buenvenidos a Miami!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Come SEA My City
Juan Pablo busts through the hotel door, hopping from lady to lady, doling out hugs and comfort. He pulls the first date card from his purple shorts and hands it straight to Opera. Her jaw slack, Juan Pablo tells her she has 10 minutes to go upstairs and get ready. This gave her just enough time to change from her totally normal outfit into a long, flowing polka-dot number, side braid her hair and then stop to ponder, executing the perfect soft Mesnick against the railing before trudging downstairs.
They spend the day horizontal at the bow of a yacht, laying on a quilt the ABC Intern obviously stole from my great Aunt Lemme’s old trunk in my Mama’s attic. The smell of moth balls didn’t deter Opera from teasing Juan Pablo.
Opera: “I have a hard time not kissing you.”
Juan Pablo: “Then kiss me.”
Opera: “I’m surprised how attracted I am to you.”
Lincee: “LOOK AT HIM. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
Opera finally concedes that their chemistry is magnetic and it’s clouding her judgment. How is she supposed to figure out if she can present this man to her family when her only references are, “His tongue is talented. No Father, I don’t know his last name. But I can bounce a quarter off his butt. Watch.”
Later, they frolic on the beach. Juan Pablo wears the one pair of swim trunks he brought. Opera chooses a red number that’s a cross between a one piece in the front and a two piece in the back. She settles onto the sand, ready for some Here to Eternity style romping, when Juan Pablo does the unthinkable.
He introduces a topic of conversation.
JP: “Traveling for your job must be tough.”
Opera: “Would you like for me to address that?”
Lincee: “Easy on the pretentiousness.”
Opera: “I’ve been thinking while I’ve been here. I’ve been doing this professionally for a little while now. I’m at the point where I have different priorities than what I did. I like change. I can’t deal with change. Change is good.”
Juan Pablo loves that she is so honest and decides that’s enough talking for one night. They make out in the ocean and then head back to Aunt Lemme’s blanket where the camera gets SO CLOSE to the action, I can confirm the number of taste buds on each of their tongues.
Opera: “I often wonder why I can’t stop kissing Juan Pablo.”
Lincee: “Refer to my earlier comment. Look at him.”
Opera: “It makes me wonder if the kissing is propelling the moment.”
Lincee: “I barely follow this. How do you expect the guy with English as his second language to know what in the world you’re talking about?”
Opera tells Juan Pablo that she thinks she is excited for him to meet her family, but she’s not really sure because she typically knows the man a lot longer than three weeks before she brings someone home.
JP: “I like your smile.”
Opera thanks him for the compliment, continuing with her soliloquy on the burdens of unrequited love and the consequences that can lead to a heart left disheveled beyond repair.
JP: “I like when you use big words. I’m not going to hold it against or not.”
Opera and I try to decipher that last part, but decide that our heads hurt and it’s probably best left lost in translation.
Opera: “It feels right, but there is this little voice in my head that says it’s not.”
Opera heeds the red flag and takes it straight to Renee for some RA talk. The Nicest Woman in the Entire World suggests she thinks long and hard about regret. Would the decision to ditch Rico Suave haunt her forever? Could she walk away from the sexiness? Once his tongue is in her mouth and her bones melt, will she literally have the power to leave?
Listen to the Beat
Juan Pablo meets Nurse Nikki in a park wearing another bright v-neck and equally bright shorts. Nikki is in teeny tiny denim shorts, a billowy tank and a vintage silk bathrobe from the Laura Ashley collection.
He takes her to a flower shop and as they pick through tulips and roses, Juan Pablo tells her that they are going to Camila’s dance recital. And guess what? Not only will she be meeting his daughter, but she’ll meet his parents and his best friend ex-wife! FUN!
Like DAndi’s glittery headband, it was obvious that Nurse Nikki was IMMEDIATELY regretting what she chose to wear from her Build-A-Bear collection.
Juan Pablo bustles Nikki into the quaint dance room, just before Camila comes out with her classmates who are irritated that the only reason why she gets the solo is because her Dad is some sort of former soccer player who now wants to be in a telenovela. Nikki owns her shorty shorts, adjusts the robe to cover her cleavage and smiles in all the right places as Camila performs. After she is finished, Camila runs to Juan Pablo and flings herself in his arms as he politely introduces his “friend” Nikki. Then he commands her to go say hello to her Mother. Camila obeys, wondering why her Daddy would let Friend Nikki borrow her favorite pair of denim shorts.
And Carla is there. Looking ravishing and age appropriate in a maxi dress. She smiled at Nikki without rolling her eyes. She laughed when Juan Pablo gushed that her birthday was the next day and graciously accepted Nikki’s early birthday wishes. The parents, as did we, watched with baited breath, hoping Carla would take one of her perfectly manicured nails to scratch Nikki’s eyes out. Or perhaps offer to cut holes in the bottom of her bag so Nikki could use it as a pair of shorts since hers barely covered her butt cheeks. Alas, this did not happen. Carla breezed in and out without a care in the world. She couldn’t’ have played it better.
Juan Pablo takes Nikki to “his office” which is Marlins Park so they could toss a baseball around in the infield. I was intrigued by Nikki’s deep plunging shirt. Perhaps one of her spiritual gifts is that she can feel comfortable wearing any inappropriate attire to any event? It looked like she was ready for open heart surgery, but when she turned around, it looked like she was prepping for back surgery. Clearly the only way the shirt could stay on her body is with the careful application of boob tape. Then I found myself wondering where she kept the boob tape? I bet that’s a job for the ABC Intern. He’s not the only one that got to second base that night, because after about four tosses to Juan Pablo, he was sprinting over to her for an impromptu make out session. Her fringe black hot pants were cute. I had the same pair for my dance recital in fourth grade.
Nurse Nikki decides to go directly for the jugular by asking what everyone watching wanted to know:
“So what’s the deal with Carla? I get that you are friends, but is she really okay with all of this? What’s the dynamic?”
Juan Pablo explains that Carla is fine and everything between them is natural and normal. He said something about the moons (yes plural) and the skies being together and he’s glad she feels comfortable.
Before Nikki can say, “That doesn’t make a bit of sense,” Juan Pablo engulfs her in his pheromones and all is forgiven and forgotten.
Later that night, Opera calls all the girls to attention to reveal that she is going to leave the competition. The girls refrain from jumping up and down and fist pumping the air while Renee records the outcome in her leather bound journal.
She marches up to Juan Pablo’s door, knocks and whisks right by him as he opens the door. SHE MUST BE STRONG! SHE MUST PREVAIL! Juan Pablo knows immediately that something is wrong and he begins to tell her to look at him. LET ME FINISH, she shouts. And then…the unequivocal Galavis mojo begins to seep through her pores. She settles into the couch and starts to whisper things like, “I can’t be in love in three weeks,” and “I need more time.” I found it ironic that she was subtitled, yet he was not. But there’s not time for that. SHE MUST LOOK INTO HIS EYES! FOR THIS IS HOW HE STEALS YOUR SOUL! She whispers, “I’m sorry. Stop hugging me. You smell good. I’m sorry.”
Juan Pablo wipes the snot from her nostrils, tears from her eyes and tells her that it’s okay. She shouldn’t cry and she shouldn’t be sorry.
Hold the phone. Does he understand what’s going on here? OPERA IS SINGING HER FINALE RIGHT NOW! Will he do nothing? Will he not shed a tear? Can we get a translator over here?
Juan Pablo all but smacks her on the back before shoving her out the door. Opera looks a bit stunned while crawling into the back seat of a taxi. “He doesn’t have what I’m looking for in terms of forever.”
Someone call Ames. I have a feeling that they would be PERFECT for each other!
My Hometown for Yours
Chelsie reads the date card and then pulls out another card from Our Host Chris Harrison who has the girliest handwriting of any manly man I know. Apparently, there will be a rose on this group date and the one who receives it will get to take Juan Pablo to meet their family! They all fish tail each other’s hair, hold hands on the airplane and jump out on a private beach wearing colorful muumuus.
Chelsie is the first to get alone time with Juan Pablo. She reads letters from home. It’s like the poor man’s version of watching someone else’s vacation slides. Poor Chelsie. She never had a shot.
DAndi is next up and as she plops down on the sand, she tells Juan Pablo to get ready for a breakdown. Poor Juan Pablo! How may times will this guy have to wipe snot and tears from his dates? I wasn’t even listening to DAndi’s woes. Of course, our bachelor fixed her right up with a big ole helping of Juan Pablo. DAndi leaves claiming that she and Juan Pablo have something strong.
The ABC Intern puts a magenta blanket on a log and makes Clare and Juan Pablo sit. They are not allowed to be 50 feet from any body of water together. They talk about her five sisters and the video that her dad made before he died. I prayed that she wouldn’t whip out a portable DVD player at that moment. Luckily, she didn’t.
We didn’t even seen Renee’s alone time at all, which makes me sad because I’m pretty sure she will not be the final one standing.
The date rose goes to DAndi and I cheered as Clare scrambled up into the airplane to get the BLEEP out of there. Juan Pablo and DAndi wave from their ocean embrace as the plane flies over.
Next up? South Beach baby, where they will party in the city where the heat is on. All night, on the beach until the break of dawn. I cringed when I saw that DAndi borrowed Nikki’s red dress who she borrowed from the middle school kid she babysits back home. Then I cringed when Juan Pablo attempted to dance with DAndi on the tables in a cool South Beach club. Bless her uncoordinated heart. To paraphrase Gloria Estefan, the rhythm was not, nor will it ever get her. I kept shouting at the TV, urging her to take it back to basics and do the side-to-side step like we all did at the eighth grade dance. My warnings fell on deaf ears. And bruised toes.
Back at the hotel, the three losers walk in and yell for Nikki to come join them so they can talk about how awkward it was that they had to leave the date. They all giggle except Clare, whom Nikki says, “is checked out.”
Clare: “I’m not checked out. I’m just not going to be fake. This is disappointing to me. Maybe Andi needed reassurance or something.”
In a huff, Nikki retreats upstairs. Clare will not have Nikki get away with acting like a BLEEP so she follows.
Clare: “What was that about?”
Nikki: “I don’t want to sit around and listen to everyone talking BLEEP about my friend.”
Clare: “Well, we just…”
Nikki: “DON’T INTERRUPT ME. I didn’t want to be a part of conversation.”
Allow me to paraphrase the next five minutes:
Blah, blah, blah, you were laughing, blah, DON’T CUT ME OFF, blah, blah, why are you laughing now? DON’T INTERRUPT! Blah, blah, I have nothing to say, blah, blah, WELL YOU CAN EXCUSE YOURSELF FROM MY ROOM. Is this your room? Did you pay for it? I wanted to clarify. DON’T INTERRUPT ME. Blah, blah, blah. Why is everything about you? I thought you felt bad and I came out of my way, blah, blah, blah. You’re a piece of work Nikki. And you’re bat BLEEP crazy Clare. Blah, blah, blah.
Think of every middle school fight you witnessed that had to do with someone being two-faced and this was that exchange. Which was then followed up by this gem:
Nikki: “She claimed her territory. She peed all over Juan Pablo. But she claimed some territory that might not be hers. She’s crazy. And that crazy has to come from somewhere. I wouldn’t want to meet her family.”
They ladies all arrive in various jewel toned dresses, except for Chelsie who is already mourning in black. Everyone has a fresh spray tan and nude shoes. Clare and Nikki refuse to speak when they are left alone. It was both sad and immature.
Our Host Chris Harrison arrives with his champagne flute and pronounces the “Juan” of Juan Pablo with Latin throat phlegm. He knows how to diffuse a silly situation. Look at him go. Earning that paycheck Benjamin by Benjamin.
Along with DAndi, Juan Pablo gives roses to Claire, Nikki and Renee. Chelsie is out and the floodgates are opened. With him…not her. In fact, she encourages him the entire way to her own rejection limo. She’s 24. She’ll bounce back in no time!
But Juan Pablo is hurting. Hurting enough to pull a pseudo Mesnick. It was against a railing instead of a balcony, so we can’t label it full-blown Mesnick, but the emotion was there. Juan Pablo doesn’t like to hurt hearts. He’s going to explode next week when we have not one but TWO nights of drama.
Are you ready? Who’s going home? Who’s staying? NO SPOILERS PLEASE!
All about the shame, not the fame,