Bachelor Recap: Juan Singular Sensation

It’s week four people and that means it’s time to leave the sanctuary of the mansion and force catty women to travel together. Everyone stumbles into the sunken living room, thankful that Harrison is wearing a nice, respectable yet totally trendy plaid shirt. He tries to wipe the sleep from his tired eyes, cursing the producers for suggesting Catherine and Sean get married on a Sunday. The long night spent partying at the Lowe reception, coupled with the after party in the Four Seasons lobby with Arie and his groupies is written all over his face.

“It’s time to pack your bags,” Our Host explains.

The groggy women suddenly come alive with anticipation, grabbing for each other’s hands under mounds of blankets and decorative throws. When Harrison announces that they will be traveling to South Korea, the loud, rowdy celebration begins. Harrison pops two pills Danielle hands him on the way out the door as 13 women scramble madly up the stairs to shove strappy shoes, Toms, tiny shorts, cocktail dresses, flattening irons, spray tan machines, teeny tiny bathing suits and panty hose (I’m looking at you Sharleen) into huge suitcases. A dance party breaks out in the bathroom, Renee the House Mom cries and Clare claims to be over the moon in her rectangle necklace.

Meanwhile, poor Camila is having a tough morning. Not only does she have a nasty bruise over her eye, but she has a pesky wedgie. Luckily Juan Pablo is there to unwedge, but adds another layer to her no good very bad day by reminding her that he is taking a trip. But they can talk on the phone, and on the Skyyyyyyyyyyyyype and on the computer, so everything will be okay. Adios Camila!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life Tris and Four like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

It’s been a few seasons, but ABC finally decided to hire a kid at the Los Angeles Art Institute to BRING BACK THE CHEESY MAP! I was a little too thrilled to see my favorite cartoon airplane spit out tiny dashes from California to South Korea where the girls dumped 57 pieces of luggage and then ventured out, hand and hand mind you, to what appears to be the Seoul version of Times Square.

Several things came to mind:
1. Why are they constantly holding hands? Were they told to find a buddy? Ah Renee. Classic House Mom. Safety first ladies!
2. When I hear the word “Seoul” I think of the 1988 Olympics. As I recall, I was really into this one Russian gymnast and the American track team.
3. You know three of those 57 pieces of luggage was just blankets the ABC Intern packed for those with frigid tendencies.

We find Juan Pablo playing random makeshift carnival games on the streets of midtown Seoul. He wins a pink stuffed heart for Camila, knowing that the only souvenir he brings back from South Korea has to be more than a shirt that says, “Who K-Popped with 2NE1? THIS GUY!”

FIRST GROUP DATE
Chelsie
Cassandra
Elise
Danielle
Kat
Nurse Nikk
i

Nurse Nikki begins crying because group dates are soooooo unfair and annoying and the absolute LAST thing she wants to do is spend tomorrow with five other girls.

Not so fast Nurse. What if I told you that you would be electro-pop dancing with the biggest musical girl group in South Korea? And you would be wearing something from your worst 80s nightmares!

The girls arrive to find Juan Pablo in pink shoes and leggings. He’s owning it. Whatever. They file out of the car and I notice that Chelsie has wisely chosen to wear tight fitting athletic shorts that accentuate her legs instead of yoga pants like the rest of the group. When the girls learn that they will be dancing, Kat shimmies with excitement, Chelsie giggles, Cassandra adjusts her bang braid, Elise looks sick, Danielle is mute and Nurse Nikki silently hexes the producers who are OBVIOUSLY setting Kat up to win.

The six girls respectively jeté, bounce, slink, shuffle, walk and trudge into the mirrored room where four adorable members of 2NE1 are rehearsing. The purple hair leader playfully commands that they show what they’ve got.

Juan Pablo: He went first and was of course moving his hips to the Latin rhythm that is always beating in his head. It was as glorious.

Danielle: Subdued and ladylike. I think she was afraid that she would start sweating and then her curly hair would grow.

Chelsie: Executed her senior cheerleader homecoming pep rally routine. It’s hard to believe that it’s only been six years since she was toe touching in that gymnasium.

Cassandra: Call me crazy, but I did not see the skills of a former NBA dancer showcased in the K-Pop room.

Elise: Remember in the movie “Hitch” where Will Smith coached the King of Queens guy how to dance? “This is where you live. Right here. This is home. Elbows six inches from the waist. At 90-degree angles. Don’t you bite your lip!”

Kat: She commanded the floor with a little jazz, a bit of hip hop and a single high kick that transformed into some P90X punches and provocative, sultry moves she picked up from an exotic performer who taught a pole dancing class at her friend KiKi’s bachelorette party last year.

Nurse Nikki: Pulling herself from under the pitiful chip on her shoulder she had been carrying the entire date, Nurse Nikki decides to not let on that she wants to throw a fit because ABC is making her do something embarrassing. She walks into the middle of the circle and performs her best running man, sprinkler, makin’ pizzas and putting groceries in the shopping cart. It would have been charming had she just owned the moment. Instead, the 2NE1 girls glanced at each other, muttering the Korean translation of “bless her heart.”

Juan Pablo: “2NE1 is the biggest K-Pop group in South Korea. They are as big as the Spice Girls were back in the day.”

Lincee: “Oh Juan Pablo. Could you endear yourself to me anymore?”

Juan Pablo: “Yes Lincee. I hear you. And I’m here for you. Let’s dance.”

2NE1 invites the crazy American girls and the hot Venezuelan to join them in a performance at the Mall of South Korea where throngs of prepubescent teens swarm all five levels to get a glimpse of their favorite 2NE1-er. Our Bachelor crew follows the girl group to the stage, and takes position behind the musicians as the most mediocre backup dancers this side of the hemisphere.

But there will be fun. Because Juan Pablo is rockin’ some red pants he borrowed from Ames. Everyone else is wearing something from the Fresh Prince of Bellaire wardrobe department. That must be why Nurse Nikki is dong the Carlton near stage right. Makes sense.

Kat goes rogue and begins doing her own dance moves instead of the choreography they all painstakingly learned earlier in the day. She makes Juan Pablo the bump to her grind. This doesn’t go over well with Nurse Nikki. Cassandra seems to be blinded by her own florescent body suit. Danielle and Elise are not even showcased.

This is what we call foreshadowing.

At the after party, Kat is the first one to be stolen away by Juan Pablo. She’s eager to show him that there’s more to her than being an amazing dancer. As she tells Juan Pablo about how her rough childhood made her strong and independent , Nurse Nikki begins bad mouthing her to the rest of the group.

NN: “She totally acts one way with us and another way when the camera is on her. She’s so fake. She’s over the top and that’s just not real.”

Most of the girls admit that Nurse Nikki is extremely negative and a general energy suck when you’re around her for more than five minutes. When Juan Pablo approaches the group to fetch Cassandra, she exclaims out loud, “Yes! Get me out of this circle!”

Elise is the one who tells Juan Pablo that he needs to be careful with who he keeps around, because she doesn’t want him to get hurt.

Kiss of death Elise. Have you never watched this show?

Nurse Nikki gets some alone time with Juan Pablo and she chooses these precious minutes to complain about how hard it is to be in her shoes.

NN: “I’m out of my element. This is soooo hard. I want something real.”
Juan Pablo: “I hear you.”

NN: “It’s hard for me to open up. It’s not you.”
Juan Pablo: “Yes. It’s you.”

Nurse Nikki’s confusion melts when Juan Pablo brushes a strand of hair from her face. His pheromones are in overdrive and she’s done. She gets the date rose because she freaked out the most. He wants to keep her around because she would be a wise choice for Camila since she’s a nurturer by trade.

ONE-ON-ONE
Sharleen
Are you my Seoul mate?

After a glorious 12-second (yes I timed it) shower scene, Juan Pablo puts on his brightest yellow pants, blue shirt and picks Sharleen up from the hotel.

Annnnnnnd she was wearing a romper. With old school panty hose. Heaven help us all.

photo(3)

I went back and forth on Twitter with my friend Emily Miller who deduced that the unfortunate outfit was actually a tank tucked into shorts to which I say – does that really excuse the situation? Does it? I think not.

Sharleen tells Juan Pablo that he’s not bland. Naturally, this was lost in translation. She explained that he was cheeky and he still didn’t get it.

Opera: “Remember the gross foods we ate today? They were not bland.”
Juan Pablo: “I hear you. I see you.”
Lincee: “So he makes you want to puke? Got it. I’ll take it from here Opera.”

Later that night, Juan Pablo coerces her to sing a little ditty for him. She demands that he closes his eyes before she belts out what I thought was a pretty good aria. It wasn’t too long. I appreciated the fact that she didn’t make it a big performance. And I give her major points for not singing before week four.

She slowly walks toward where he’s sitting on the edge of a wall and wedges herself between his legs. He showers her with compliments. He is definitely digging her chili. Even though she does some weird tongue thing and lip pulling business, the kiss is hot.

Juan Pablo: “You are special. You are different.”
Opera: “I’m weird.”
Lincee: “Crap. Am I on Team Opera now? There’s still something off about her!”

At dinner, they bond over the fact that they both were in countries (Juan Pablo in the US and Opera in Germany) where they had to quickly adapt to a new life while not knowing the language and being far away from home.

There was definitely a connection. A legitimate one. Not the pseudo one that everyone talks about during this journey.

Opera: “I feel like you get me.”
Juan Pablo: “Since you walked out of the limo, I got you.”

Just as I’m thinking this dude needs to give lessons in charm school, a bomb is dropped.

Juan Pablo: “How many kids do you want?”
Opera: “Me?”
Lincee: “No. The chick behind you.”

Sharleen hems and haws for a minute, trying to decide whether she should tell the truth or not. She explains that she’s been with someone who had a child before and it was very hard.

Opera: “It’s hard to admit this.”
Juan Pablo: “I know what you are going to say.”

For the first time, there was a flicker of sadness in Juan Pablo. He knew that she was going to admit that it’s hard knowing that you are going to be second priority behind the child. She seemed to be sad, yet relieved that he knew and she didn’t have to say it out loud.

Juan Pablo appreciates her honesty. He tells her that she’s different and has lots of class. Then he gives her the rose and they make out for 10 minutes.

SECOND GROUP DATE
Clare
House Mom Renee
Lauren
Alli
DAndi
Kelly the Dog Lover

Juan Pablo takes the ladies to a real life dollhouse with children peeking from the windows. My heart softened as I thought about the girls interacting with orphans and hugging little ones.

You can imagine my surprise to learn that this was a karaoke bar. And not an orphan karaoke bar. A plain old karaoke bar. It was themed after grandma’s bedroom, complete with rose colored wallpaper and sheer curtains.

After a quick romp in a photo booth and a paddle in swan boats, the group heads to a place called Dr. Fish Zone where you put your tootsies in a bath of tiny fish that eat the dead skin off of your feet.

“Renee’s feet are the tastiest.”

I think I just might crawl under a stack of emergency blankets if someone said that about my feet on national television.

Apparently it takes a lot of time for fish to ingest the ashy skin from toes because Clare quickly becomes territorial when it comes to Juan Pablo. She dominates his personal space and the other girls are really beginning to think she bugs.

Especially when she refuses to partake in the group “toast” with octopus on a toothpick. She was dripping with drama, shrieking with fake disgust and the subject of every eye roll within hearing distance.

Kelly: “Her piece was, like, this big. I know she’s swallowed bigger things than that.”

Awww yeah. Stay classy dog lover. By the way, where’s Molly?

House Mom Renee is the first to score some alone time with Juan Pablo at the after party. She tells the camera that she really wants to kiss Juan Pablo, so she’s just going to put it out there tonight. I may have hidden behind my couch cushion.

HMR: “What would Camila say if I kissed you?”
Juan Pablo: “What would Ben say?”

And there you have it. Juan Pablo tells the camera that he’s already kissed six girls and he doesn’t want to kiss anyone on this date. Poor House Mom. This would have been great information to know TWO MINUTES AGO.

DAndi unknowingly hits a home run by telling Juan Pablo that she doesn’t want to kiss him because she knows that physical attraction is there, but they need to dig a little deeper. AND HE LOVED IT!

DAndi: “What are your hobbies?”
Juan Pablo: “I like to dance. And I know you’re horrible at it.”
DAndi: “Well you’re not so hot yourself amigo.”

Again, Juan Pablo LOVES IT! He claims that DAndi is the only one who gets his humor. She also gets the date rose.

Let the record show that I’m the one who laughed my butt off at him lip syncing to the K-Pop song during the outtake last night. I TOTALLY GET YOU JUAN PABLO!

Lauren, on the other hand, does not get Juan Pablo. She takes his hand and asks if he will dance with her. Even though this is Juan Pablo’s love language, it was written all over his face that this time, the rhythm was not going to get him. Then she asked him for a kiss in her best Spanish and I screamed at the TV for Lauren to ABORT ABORT ABORT.

Laruen: “Un beso?”
Juan Pablo: “I have a daughter.”

Oh my heavenly days. What sucks about this rejection is that Kelly the Dog Lover had just counted down the women who have swapped spit with our bachelor. Knowing that she has been shunned from this list forces Lauren to dissolve into a puddle of tears. Juan Pablo pulls her into a hug, whispers encouraging words in her ear and promises that he hears her. Again, the pheromones take over and Lauren is as good as new when she joins the others under the blankets.

Clare uses her alone time wisely. She also tells him that she doesn’t want to kiss, but it’s more of a tease tactic than anything else. This turns Juan Pablo into putty. He begins feeding her chocolate wafers before instincts take over and tonsil hockey begins. He claims he just can’t help himself because her lips are so come hither-y.

Somewhere in Austin, Lauren is playing a melancholy tune on her portable piano.

ROSE CEREMONY

Right off the bat, there’s drama. Clare is sharing her soul when Nurse Nikki, who has a rose, teeters up in her Forever XXI pink satin dress that is 12-inches long and breaks up the party in a very creeper way. Clare is livid. But she’s still supporting geometric necklaces, having switched from her signature rectangle to kicky triangle.

Juan Pablo casually brings up “problems in the house” and Nurse Nikki is quick to pepper him with “what in the world are you talking about” questions, which leads her to believe that Clare has been bad mouthing her to the bachelor. INCONCEIVABLE.

Nurse Nikki gossips about this discovery with Kelly the Dog Lover. In the middle of her rant, Clare comes over and squishes under the community blanket.

Silence.

KellyTDL: “I have to admit. I feel awkward being in the middle of y’all since you both hate each other. Annnnnnnnnnd discuss.”

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why ABC keeps this chick around. Everyone loves a good pot stirrer.

Clare and Nikki go back and forth about being here for the right reasons and rubbing people the wrong way and being threatened by each other. Blah, blah, blah. Kelly just sits and smiles, prodding when necessary.

Harrison finally arrives in a hideous brown suit. Can someone get him a blanket to hide under?

Roses go to:
DAndi
Clare
Opera Sharleen
House Mom Renee
Chelsie
Kelly the Dog Lover
Danielle
Cassandra
Alli
Clare
Kat

Elise and Lauren are out. I have to admit I was a little surprised that Danielle is still around. We never hear anything from her, but I suspect that her prescription pad is worth keeping her around. Elise’s glitter booty shorts under her green dress were totally grown sexy. And poor Lauren feels the weight of rejection and ugly cries into the camera. She’ll be okay. She’s too normal not to find someone in the near future.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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