‘The Bachelor’ recap: Just breathe
I think we can all agree that The Bachelor reached new levels of crazy last night. With the love guru’s wispy instruction, a blonde’s interesting take on US geography, a former shunned contestant’s profession, a non-hygienic front-runner, and a widow with a “tragic and amazing story,” I have no doubt that the ABC Psychotherapist will definitely be publishing papers about these women.
Naturally, I enjoyed each second. Especially the huge chunks that were spent behind my couch cushion. Allow me to walk you through the episode using a case study by case study.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Door Number One
Grab your passports ladies! You’re headed to Santa Fe!
I’m sure we can all agree that after her lengthy monolog on the wonder that is New Mexico, sweet Megan is beyond “bless her heart.” She tells the camera that she is super excited to see the ocean (a landlocked state), she has never been out of the country (still accurate), before asking out loud in front of grown adults if Mexico is the same as New Mexico?
Now I know why Samantha is always so quiet. It takes a minute or two to process what someone means when they have such bad luck thinking.
Megan makes me squint.
Door Number Two
Love Guru Tziporah Kingsbury asks, “What rhymes with hug me?”
Oh Tziporah. You feather earring-wearing, sage wafting, highly inappropriate sex guru! I understand why you think that having a couple explore each other’s bodies with their hands and various fruits dipped in chocolate is first date material. Unfortunately, Megan already did that with The Farmer at a previous rose ceremony before she converted all her dollars to pesos.
I was concerned, however, when you asked Carly to perform downward facing dog and then instructed The Farmer to basically mount her from behind. Remember how you “sensed their nervousness” when you asked them to discard their shirts? That’s because THEY WERE STRAIGHT UP WEIRDED OUT. Thank you for listening to Carly when she admitted that this was uncomfortable. She was just about to implore, “Stop. Don’t touch me there. This is my no-no square.” Since the inauguration of this franchise, I’ve never shouted the word PINEAPPLE (the IHGB safe word) at my television so many times in one night.
But Guru Tziporah will not be thwarted. This is when reading the room comes in handy. Making them sit tantric-style, breathing all over each other is definitely an idea. Asking them to dry hump and refrain from kissing is quite another. Guru Tziporah watching intently is disturbing on all sorts of levels, and please tell me she provided a complimentary breath mint or two before this unfortunate turn of events that forced me to be hidden away safely in the next room.
I can still hear the breathing at night time.
Carly claims that The Farmer really broke her out of her shell. In two minutes, we learn that she hasn’t had relations in 18 months, feels that she is physically unattractive, and said the word “like” 45 times. The Farmer rewards her discretion with a rose.
Door Number Three
Conceal, don’t feel.
Jade, Señorita Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley I-Lashes, and Kelsey all arrive at the Rio Grande River, decked out in yoga pants, decorative scarves, and those shirts that have a hole for your thumb to poke through. It’s river rapid time! Whitney manages to negotiate a spot right beside The Farmer in his boat. Jade manages to fall into the freezing cold water. Kaitlyn and the river guide manage to pull her right back in.
Unfortunately, she has a condition that is a distant cousin of hyperthermia. Her feet and fingers lose circulation and become numb at relatively normal temperatures. The river rapid ride is cut short so The Farmer can massage Jade’s frozen appendages. This causes the other ladies to become very bitter.
Mackenzie: I need The Farmer to warm my hands and feed. And butt. It’s freezing.
Kelsey: I’m cold too, but I don’t get any attention, because I’m fine. I’M FINE.
Lincee: She totally pushed Jade out of the boat.
Door Number Four
You can’t make someone love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.
That night at the cocktail party, the girls adjust their turquoise statement necklaces they just purchased from Native Americans in the plaza, as they wait for the bachelor to show up. They have no idea he’s been detained by Drunk Jordan! She has driven from Colorado to show him who she REALLY is and beg for a second chance.
In a brilliant move, the producers make The Farmer walk arm-and-arm with Jordan into the cocktail area. All eyes survey the ridiculous situation that has presented itself. A verdict is quickly reached: Penalty for this sucking—10 yards.
Some of the girls plaster on their Stepford smiles and welcome Jordan into the fold.
With each one-on-one time, The Farmer is beat down by every girl complaining about Jordan’s sudden appearance. Becca is the only one that tackles the moment with a level head. She respects his decision to do what he needs to do to find a wife.
Door Number Five
If life were fair, I’d be drinking something fruity on a beach right now with Nathan Fillion. Maybe in New Mexico.
Ashley I-Lashes asks the ABC Intern to fetch her a soap box so she can preach about “this environment” and how there are no second chances when it comes to The Bachelor. She just wants everyone to openly admit in front of each other that they are the Top 11 and Jordan shouldn’t be allowed to potentially take any of their spots. She insists that Whitney stop smiling because it’s not real.
During Jordan and The Farmer’s alone time, he lets her down easy by saying that it’s the process that it dictating his decision, and since he’s a man, he’s going to let her go. He escorts her back into the den of iniquity, shares his decision with the other ladies, and watches as smiles turn on, tears spring forth, and daggers are slowly placed in their thigh holsters.
Kelsey whispers an encouraging, “I will always admire you,” which is a nice contrast from the derogatory remark that issued forth from her mouth mere seconds ago. Ashley I-Lashes, in the costume she’ll be wearing in her short-program, musters a smile. Megan cries. We can only assume it’s because she never experienced authentic Mexican tequila. And Becca brings it around full circle, reminding the group that Jordan did what she did in as graceful a way as possible.
Door Number Six
TO THE BURN BOOK!
Whitney gets the coveted rose and Ashley I-Lashes unleashes the kind of jealousy that will come in handy when you need someone to have you back you in a bar fight. She puts on her skate guards, and heads down to the room she shares with Mackenzie.
Ash: I just don’t see him with someone like her. I’m so thrown off by why he gave the rose to Whitney? He needs someone real.
Mackenzie: I just don’t think you like her.
Out of the mouths of babes…
Door Number Seven
When friends never stand downwind, it’s time to up your personal hygiene game.
The Farmer wakes Britt up at 4:30 in the morning so he can make out with her in the dark while Carly and Jade listen intently to smacking sounds. Here’s a rundown of what we learn during this particular date:
- Britt goes to bed in full make-up—just in case.
- Her hot pink lipstick and hair were a little too perfect in my opinion. She knew.
- She is deathly afraid of heights.
- She includes this fact on her application.
- ABC makes sure she lands the hot air balloon date.
- Once she sees the balloon, and the lovely Farmer next to her, all anxiety is gone.
- She doesn’t get upset once.
- Unless someone popped a Xanax in her morning mimosa, Britt is exaggerating.
- Britt looks like Topanga.
- Someone says that Britt told her she doesn’t want kids.
- At that exact same moment, Britt tells The Farmer she wants 100 kids.
- I rest my case about Britt’s tendency to exaggerate for effect.
Britt comes back to the hotel with a rose in hand. She regales about her adventures in the hot air balloon to a land where dinosaurs roam. She tosses out “our date started in bed and ended in bed” and blinks innocently as 10 other women think of different ways to cut her. Kelsey concludes that Britt’s “nap” with The Farmer is a definite game changer, and something must be done to protect her relationship.
Door Number Eight
That’s my tragic, but amazing story, and I’m sticking to it.
Kelsey boldly knocks on The Farmer’s door, hoping to get some alone time so she can tell him about her tragic, but amazing love story. He needs to know that she is a widow. He needs to be able to comfort her in her tragic time of need, but rejoice in the amazing-ness of it all. The Farmer is concerned for this tragic, but amazing tragedy, and goes in for the consoling HUG. Kelsey reads this as a, “I want to make out with you” moment, which makes the rest of us pause while ABC plays creepy music in the background.
Door Number Nine
SAMANTHA SPEAKS! TWICE!
I almost missed it, because I assumed it was Kelsey or Kaitlyn or Ashley I-Lashes or Jade or one of the other brunettes, but it was definitely her.
Door Number 10
Panicking goes beyond the disco.
The Farmer arrives at the rose ceremony, looking like he’s ready to hurl. He begins a heartfelt speech about how this week has been emotional, with Jordan showing up and his super secret alone time with Kelsey. He is unable to form words. Just as Carly starts to stand up to walk him through some tantric breathing exercises, he bolts to the open arms of Our Host Chris Harrison.
Farmer: This is harder than it looks.
OHCH: It always is.
CHRIS HARRISON EVERYONE! That’s why they pay him the big bucks.
Meanwhile, Kelsey begins to back pedal a bit. She had been extremely confident in the rose ceremony before the kerfuffle. Now it’s time to turn on the waterworks.
Kelsey: I planned on telling you all at the cocktail party that I went to see him. I wanted some uninterrupted time to tell him my tragic, yet amazing story. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He already has his decision made.
Ashley I-Lashes, rocking a sweet bang braid, begins to drag out her soap box again as Kelsey leaves the general rose ceremony area. Ash the Lash is LIVID that Kelsey would stoop so low and tell The Farmer that she is a widow during alone time, right when she was about to get the shaft.
Moments later, a pitiful moan echoes through the hotel lobby. The camera man runs and finds Kelsey laid gracefully on the floor, having a panic attack. A nice woman is trying to help Kelsey breathe normally. Medics are called. Bachelorettes are in shock, but not really. The Farmer has his head between his knees. And Harrison toasts another episode in the bag.
Next week’s rose ceremony should be pretty entertaining! Who do you think goes home? Will Samantha make it another week without having a conversation with The Farmer? Will Carly crack? Will Britt shower?
Make sure to sound off in the comment section and share favorite lines of the week! I’ll see you there!
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,