‘The Bachelor’ recap: Just breathe

Bachelor Farmer Recap

I think we can all agree that The Bachelor reached new levels of crazy last night. With the love guru’s wispy instruction, a blonde’s interesting take on US geography, a former shunned contestant’s profession, a non-hygienic front-runner, and a widow with a “tragic and amazing story,” I have no doubt that the ABC Psychotherapist will definitely be publishing papers about these women.

Naturally, I enjoyed each second. Especially the huge chunks that were spent behind my couch cushion. Allow me to walk you through the episode using a case study by case study.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Door Number One
Grab your passports ladies! You’re headed to Santa Fe!

The Bachelor Farmer recap

I’m sure we can all agree that after her lengthy monolog on the wonder that is New Mexico, sweet Megan is beyond “bless her heart.” She tells the camera that she is super excited to see the ocean (a landlocked state), she has never been out of the country (still accurate), before asking out loud in front of grown adults if Mexico is the same as New Mexico?

Now I know why Samantha is always so quiet. It takes a minute or two to process what someone means when they have such bad luck thinking.

Megan makes me squint.

Door Number Two
Love Guru Tziporah Kingsbury asks, “What rhymes with hug me?”

Oh Tziporah. You feather earring-wearing, sage wafting, highly inappropriate sex guru! I understand why you think that having a couple explore each other’s bodies with their hands and various fruits dipped in chocolate is first date material. Unfortunately, Megan already did that with The Farmer at a previous rose ceremony before she converted all her dollars to pesos.

I was concerned, however, when you asked Carly to perform downward facing dog and then instructed The Farmer to basically mount her from behind. Remember how you “sensed their nervousness” when you asked them to discard their shirts? That’s because THEY WERE STRAIGHT UP WEIRDED OUT. Thank you for listening to Carly when she admitted that this was uncomfortable. She was just about to implore, “Stop. Don’t touch me there. This is my no-no square.” Since the inauguration of this franchise, I’ve never shouted the word PINEAPPLE (the IHGB safe word) at my television so many times in one night.

But Guru Tziporah will not be thwarted. This is when reading the room comes in handy. Making them sit tantric-style, breathing all over each other is definitely an idea. Asking them to dry hump and refrain from kissing is quite another. Guru Tziporah watching intently is disturbing on all sorts of levels, and please tell me she provided a complimentary breath mint or two before this unfortunate turn of events that forced me to be hidden away safely in the next room.

I can still hear the breathing at night time.

The Bachelor Farmer Recap

Carly claims that The Farmer really broke her out of her shell. In two minutes, we learn that she hasn’t had relations in 18 months, feels that she is physically unattractive, and said the word “like” 45 times. The Farmer rewards her discretion with a rose.

Door Number Three
Conceal, don’t feel.

Jade, Señorita Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley I-Lashes, and Kelsey all arrive at the Rio Grande River, decked out in yoga pants, decorative scarves, and those shirts that have a hole for your thumb to poke through. It’s river rapid time! Whitney manages to negotiate a spot right beside The Farmer in his boat. Jade manages to fall into the freezing cold water. Kaitlyn and the river guide manage to pull her right back in.

Unfortunately, she has a condition that is a distant cousin of hyperthermia. Her feet and fingers lose circulation and become numb at relatively normal temperatures. The river rapid ride is cut short so The Farmer can massage Jade’s frozen appendages. This causes the other ladies to become very bitter.

Mackenzie: I need The Farmer to warm my hands and feed. And butt. It’s freezing.
Kelsey: I’m cold too, but I don’t get any attention, because I’m fine. I’M FINE.
Lincee: She totally pushed Jade out of the boat.

Door Number Four
You can’t make someone love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

That night at the cocktail party, the girls adjust their turquoise statement necklaces they just purchased from Native Americans in the plaza, as they wait for the bachelor to show up. They have no idea he’s been detained by Drunk Jordan! She has driven from Colorado to show him who she REALLY is and beg for a second chance.

In a brilliant move, the producers make The Farmer walk arm-and-arm with Jordan into the cocktail area. All eyes survey the ridiculous situation that has presented itself. A verdict is quickly reached: Penalty for this sucking—10 yards.

Some of the girls plaster on their Stepford smiles and welcome Jordan into the fold.

With each one-on-one time, The Farmer is beat down by every girl complaining about Jordan’s sudden appearance. Becca is the only one that tackles the moment with a level head. She respects his decision to do what he needs to do to find a wife.

Door Number Five
If life were fair, I’d be drinking something fruity on a beach right now with Nathan Fillion. Maybe in New Mexico.

Ashley I-Lashes asks the ABC Intern to fetch her a soap box so she can preach about “this environment” and how there are no second chances when it comes to The Bachelor. She just wants everyone to openly admit in front of each other that they are the Top 11 and Jordan shouldn’t be allowed to potentially take any of their spots. She insists that Whitney stop smiling because it’s not real.

During Jordan and The Farmer’s alone time, he lets her down easy by saying that it’s the process that it dictating his decision, and since he’s a man, he’s going to let her go. He escorts her back into the den of iniquity, shares his decision with the other ladies, and watches as smiles turn on, tears spring forth, and daggers are slowly placed in their thigh holsters.

Kelsey whispers an encouraging, “I will always admire you,” which is a nice contrast from the derogatory remark that issued forth from her mouth mere seconds ago. Ashley I-Lashes, in the costume she’ll be wearing in her short-program, musters a smile. Megan cries. We can only assume it’s because she never experienced authentic Mexican tequila. And Becca brings it around full circle, reminding the group that Jordan did what she did in as graceful a way as possible.

Door Number Six
TO THE BURN BOOK!

Whitney gets the coveted rose and Ashley I-Lashes unleashes the kind of jealousy that will come in handy when you need someone to have you back you in a bar fight. She puts on her skate guards, and heads down to the room she shares with Mackenzie.

Ash: I just don’t see him with someone like her. I’m so thrown off by why he gave the rose to Whitney? He needs someone real.
Mackenzie: I just don’t think you like her.

Out of the mouths of babes…

Door Number Seven
When friends never stand downwind, it’s time to up your personal hygiene game.

The Farmer wakes Britt up at 4:30 in the morning so he can make out with her in the dark while Carly and Jade listen intently to smacking sounds. Here’s a rundown of what we learn during this particular date:

  • Britt goes to bed in full make-up—just in case.
  • Her hot pink lipstick and hair were a little too perfect in my opinion. She knew.
  • She is deathly afraid of heights.
  • She includes this fact on her application.
  • ABC makes sure she lands the hot air balloon date.
  • Once she sees the balloon, and the lovely Farmer next to her, all anxiety is gone.
  • She doesn’t get upset once.
  • Unless someone popped a Xanax in her morning mimosa, Britt is exaggerating.
  • Britt looks like Topanga.
  • Someone says that Britt told her she doesn’t want kids.
  • At that exact same moment, Britt tells The Farmer she wants 100 kids.
  • I rest my case about Britt’s tendency to exaggerate for effect.

The Bachelor Farmer Recap

Britt comes back to the hotel with a rose in hand. She regales about her adventures in the hot air balloon to a land where dinosaurs roam. She tosses out “our date started in bed and ended in bed” and blinks innocently as 10 other women think of different ways to cut her. Kelsey concludes that Britt’s “nap” with The Farmer is a definite game changer, and something must be done to protect her relationship.

Jim Halpert

Door Number Eight
That’s my tragic, but amazing story, and I’m sticking to it.

Kelsey boldly knocks on The Farmer’s door, hoping to get some alone time so she can tell him about her tragic, but amazing love story. He needs to know that she is a widow. He needs to be able to comfort her in her tragic time of need, but rejoice in the amazing-ness of it all. The Farmer is concerned for this tragic, but amazing tragedy, and goes in for the consoling HUG. Kelsey reads this as a, “I want to make out with you” moment, which makes the rest of us pause while ABC plays creepy music in the background.

Door Number Nine
SAMANTHA SPEAKS! TWICE!

I almost missed it, because I assumed it was Kelsey or Kaitlyn or Ashley I-Lashes or Jade or one of the other brunettes, but it was definitely her.

Door Number 10
Panicking goes beyond the disco.

The Farmer arrives at the rose ceremony, looking like he’s ready to hurl. He begins a heartfelt speech about how this week has been emotional, with Jordan showing up and his super secret alone time with Kelsey. He is unable to form words. Just as Carly starts to stand up to walk him through some tantric breathing exercises, he bolts to the open arms of Our Host Chris Harrison.

OHCH: Dude.
Farmer: This is harder than it looks.
OHCH: It always is.

CHRIS HARRISON EVERYONE! That’s why they pay him the big bucks.

Meanwhile, Kelsey begins to back pedal a bit. She had been extremely confident in the rose ceremony before the kerfuffle. Now it’s time to turn on the waterworks.

Kelsey: I planned on telling you all at the cocktail party that I went to see him. I wanted some uninterrupted time to tell him my tragic, yet amazing story. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He already has his decision made.

Ashley I-Lashes, rocking a sweet bang braid, begins to drag out her soap box again as Kelsey leaves the general rose ceremony area. Ash the Lash is LIVID that Kelsey would stoop so low and tell The Farmer that she is a widow during alone time, right when she was about to get the shaft.

Moments later, a pitiful moan echoes through the hotel lobby. The camera man runs and finds Kelsey laid gracefully on the floor, having a panic attack. A nice woman is trying to help Kelsey breathe normally. Medics are called. Bachelorettes are in shock, but not really. The Farmer has his head between his knees. And Harrison toasts another episode in the bag.

The Bachelor Farmer Recp

Aaannnnnnnddddd scene.

Next week’s rose ceremony should be pretty entertaining! Who do you think goes home? Will Samantha make it another week without having a conversation with The Farmer? Will Carly crack? Will Britt shower?

Make sure to sound off in the comment section and share favorite lines of the week! I’ll see you there!

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Comments

240 Comments on "‘The Bachelor’ recap: Just breathe"

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Laurie
Laurie

Oh, this was indeed cra-cra. Kelsey is like the wife in Gone Girl! Is she for real or is she an actress? Seriously cannot imagine anyone being so flip about a “tragic, but amazing” story involving the death of her husband!

Brit needs to go bye bye. So fake! Seriously hoping Chris figures that one out.

I would love to hear more from Samantha (three times next week?) and Becca.

Senorita Megan provides the laugh out loud funnies…hope she sticks around for that sole purpose.. We LIKE need something to LIKE laugh about!

jL
jL

She is totally acting like Amazing Amy. To a freaky level.

Susie
Susie

I’ve seen alot on this show since the Trista days but ABC sunk to a new low with the love guru; that was so uncomfortable and disgusting. Thank God Carly finally stopped it! Gross! I had thought that Kelsey was a normal one but not any more! Having lost my husband at a young age, I would never describe my loss as tragic but beautiful.
And I agree that Britt is so fake and is trying to prove her acting skills either to get a resume to be a real actress but she is as transparent as Andi was trying to get the next Bachelorette gig. Heaven help us…

Melissa
Melissa

Didn’t Carly say something about Britt sleeping in her make-up last week? I think this is a part of her routine! I thought it was weird how she was sleeping on her back (I’m a side sleeper) but maybe it’s from years of sleeping in make-up..?

I’m actually more surprised that she’s basically in make-up 24/7 and her skin doesn’t look worse! I only shampoo my hair about once a week, so her hair isn’t blowing my mind. Once you train your hair to not be shampoo’ed daily, it takes much longer to look/feel dirty. But I still shower! How can her face handle all that make- up, all the time. . . ??

Riki
Riki

Lincee-

in the middle of the awful week, it’s great to know I have a recap to look forward to. Thanks for the weekly chuckle!

Dawn
Dawn

Favorite line:
She puts on her skate guards, and heads down to the room she shares with Mackenzie.

Leslie
Leslie

Lincee I immediately thought that outfit looked like a skating costume! You nailed that one!

Kim
Kim

Loved your comments about the short program and skate guards! Made me give an ladylike guffaw!

Susan
Susan

Describing Kardashleyan’s dress as a skating costume is pretty accurate. I had been thinking negligee (the kind that comes with a matching sheer thong and coordinates beautifully with heeled maribou slippers), but I think I like skating costume better.

rickster B
rickster B

Note to self: Never read Lincee’s blog while eating chili. Trust me. It will always end poorly.

I’m surprised that you didn’t mention the wording on the first date card – “Let’s come together”. Seriously, ABC? You couldn’t have used your prime time words for this?

I guffawed at Carly’s “no-no square” and thought, of course, of our dearly departed Jillian. Should we have a moment of silence in remembrance?

Also, I keep wondering … who’s Samantha? Guess that says a lot, no?

Dawn
Dawn

Favorite line:
She puts on her skate guards, and heads down to the room she shares with Mackenzie.

I look forward to these recaps so much! Thanks, Lincee.

marymary
marymary

Great recap for a great episode, Lincee!

On the Britt “questions” – here is my take:

I’ll bet she takes baths, not showers. Her hair looks too wonderful all the time not to be well taken care of, and Chris in his blog mentioned that when they were taking their nap, she smelled just fine.

I think she was relieved to go in a balloon because it was a lot safer and less scary than bungee jumping or skydiving.

Also, I’m sure that if she said she didn’t want to settle down or have kids, they would have that on tape. She is too smart to have said that, in my opinion. She probably said something like that but with the condition that she is ready to change for someone like Chris.

Did you catch Ashley or Mackenzie basically saying that they wished they had some trauma in their lives to score points with Chris? Yikes!

delyla
delyla

Yes marymary its all in the editing. And ABC are pros at making people look more ridiculous than they are.

Yes – I caught the references to needing trauma! Beyond stupid!!!!

Kat
Kat

I totally agree about Britt. Also the way they talked about it, I imagine the conversation was more about how these other women have waited their whole lives to get married and have kids, and maybe Britt just meant she doesn’t get that mentality of feeling like your life doesn’t start until you’re married and she has enjoyed being single. Nothing wring with that IMO. Who knows, I may be projecting but I like her, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she shares my feelings on this.

Kate
Kate

Britt’s hair probably looks so good because she doesn’t shower. If you have super long hair like her, the ends get really dry it you shower too often.

Dick Pepperwood
Dick Pepperwood

A lot of people on these boards are in strict opposition to an episode where all that happens is that Whitney talks about anything she wants to and Chris laughs about what she’s talking about or the shower he shared with Jimmy Kimmel.

I, on the other hand, think it would make for good TV. We’d learn real fast who is really part of Bachelor nation and who does not have the intestinal fortitude to be a real fan of the show.

I think he should choose Britt, but if he chooses Kelsey, Becca, or Whitney we need to brace ourselves. For example, if he chooses Becca he will have a wholesome hottie. If he chooses Whitney her queer sounding voice could be used to herd cattle or sheep.

Kay Sasara
Kay Sasara

Can you HONESTLY imagine Britt on a farm in Iowa? He is from a teeny, tiny farm town, and I really don’t see her fitting in there at all. She’s just in it to win it. Also, Kelsey is all kinds of crazy…talking about how she has the best story because it is so “tragic”..so strange.

Beth
Beth

THere is no way in H that Britt would ever marry Chris and move to Iowa. She doesn’t even want to win; she wants to be the next bachelorette. She’s trying so hard to be the girl everyone likes and is always playing to the camera.

Colorado Kathleen
Colorado Kathleen

“…watches as smiles turn on, tears spring forth, and daggers are slowly placed in their thigh holsters.” You are so funny about the daggers!

Kelsey & Ashley I. – simply cringe-worthy behavior. I really can’t believe how unbalanced these ladies are.

And really, the Love Lady Guru in Santa Fe is the best they could do? What about all the great art galleries there? That’s my favorite place to go to take in the wonderful art scene. The Love Lady messed that whole opportunity up.

Haley
Haley

Ditto, girls! What about Tent Rocks or Bandelier National Monument? Or the (many) museums? They forego (forewent?) on culture and class in this episode and leapt instead into cliché and crass.

Megan’s comments were totally offensive–only exceeded by the producers’ poor taste in airing them.

I give up on Austin. Team Carly and Team Becca!

EmilyApple
EmilyApple

But if they went on a nice date like that, the producers wouldn’t have all that misleading footage and those golden (read:awful) breathing sound-bytes to tease us with all season! *groan*

Kelli
Kelli

“There are no second chances on the Bachelor?” Um, Meznick part of one, I mean two, I mean the other one,two.

As for Kelsey’s amazing story, she thinks a lot of herself. Did y’all read her husband’s obit? It was all about HER! Don’t judge, it was linked in another Bachelor article. I wonder if that panic attack (air quotes) is because it finally dawned on her that she might be going home.

And like, when did like like become like an acceptable like adjective or like verb or like noun or something? Seriously, that is getting so annoying, kind of like YOLO.

This is the most craptacular season of Bachelor in awhile. The Farmer’s blog in People is entertaining because he’s seeing the cray cray himself. I can’t wait for the After the Rose special this year.

delyla
delyla

I think OHCH and ABC need to have a 3 hour ATFR show because it will take that long to dissect this season. Or we could just sum it up as the craziest bunch of biotches yet and call it done. But we all know, we want the dirt!!!!!

Allison
Allison

HA! Been hitting refresh for the last 2 hours!! So great.

“Stop. Don’t touch me there. This is my no-no square.”

Hilarious. Do we get to see 2 rose ceremonies now next week!? How will we survive the drama!?

jL
jL

I left this episode with lots of questions. They really peeled back the layers of the crazy onion for this one.

Why does Britt not shower but then sleep in make-up? How is her hair so amazing (answer – 3rd+ day hair is the best hair).

How did Jordan know they were going to be in Santa Fe, at that hotel? Do they get an itinerary at the beginning of the season?

Naps during dates behind closed doors. Not one but TWO girls allowed to beg their way back in. Are there any rules on this show at all?

Why does Kelsey say things like, “delve into the wonderous land of physical affection”?

Best line of the night was by Ashley I-Lashes, “it’s like a competition of sad stories.” She perfectly summed up this season so far.

I spent all of last night’s episode just looking forward to your recap, Lincee, and taking solace in the fact that I was not the only one hiding behind a pillow. And also watching old Superbowl Half Time Show clips of Britney, NSYNC, and Aerosmith. Remember that?

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

Favorite line – Ashley I-Lashes, in the costume she’ll be wearing in her short-program, musters a smile.

That is TOTALLY what that outfit looked like. Hope she had on panties!

And let’s not forget poor Farmer and his SWEAT stains when he was trying to avoid Kelsey’s lips. It must be really hot in Mexico…I mean New Mexico.

Mary
Mary

My favorite line:
He escorts her back into the den of iniquity

Second place:
Britt looks like Topanga. LOL…she does!!!

Honorable mentions:
Grab your passports ladies! You’re headed to Santa Fe!….Megan makes me squint.

Love it.

I find it utterly disgusting that Britt wont shower. How could he kiss her with morning breath? Every time I look at her now I see Pig Pen’s cloud of dirt.

Shopgirl
Shopgirl

Wait. There is someone named “Samantha” on the show?

Renee
Renee

I want a like button for that last comment, Lincee.

Allison
Allison

I think it is Ashley I-lashes in disguise. They could be sisters!

Tyler
Tyler

Britt TOTALLY knew he was coming at 4:30am. The ABC intern came and tapped her at approximately 3:30am to give plenty of time to prettify herself. No one looks that put together after sleeping and not to mention her eyeliner would be all smudgy!!

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