Bachelor Recap: My Kingdom for a Prozac
A snippet from Ashley’s journal:
I’m in Thailand. Since it’s the monsoon season, ABC got a good deal on the Phuket Renaissance Resort & Spa. Today they made me wander around on the beach for the opening talking head package for tonight’s show. I didn’t even have to pretend to look forlorn like I normally do. Even though I was super cute in my favorite teeny, wife beater tied up over my string bikini top and red shorty shorts from the junior’s department, all I can think about is my beloved Bentley. I just can’t seem to forget about him. Those 48 hours were the most memorable moments of my entire life. And now…he’s gone.
I made a mixed tape today:
1. All By Myself
2. End of the Road
3. If I Could Turn Back Time
4. Always On My Mind
5. Unbreak My Heart
6. Everybody Hurts
7. I Can’t Make You Love Me
8. Total Eclipse of the Heart
I listened to number five on repeat during my morning yoga. This experience has been the opposite of per-fact. But I have to dig myself out of this hole because it’s not fair to the guys. Gay, widower, Groban, dentist or ubiquitously white…they deserve at least a fraction of my attention.
Until tomorrow Dear Diary,
Mrs. Bentley Dill Hole
Mr. and Mrs. Bentley Dill Hole
Ashley and Bentley Dill Hole cordially invite you…
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
After a stunning 10-minute debrief on the wonder that is Bentley according to unintentionally clueless Ashley, Our Host Chris Harrison graces us with his commanding presence and we all dismiss the “single/group date rules” issuing forth from his mouth in order to give our full attention to what he’s wearing. As one may expect, Harrison is looking sharp in a mint green Oxford, fashionable jeans in appropriate denim hue (not too dark, not too light) and a smile that can last for days. In keeping with tradition of the last three weeks, the bachelors are all wearing blue-colored shirts and grey sweatpants.
OHCH: “Good morning gentlemen. I just spoke with Ashley. Fortunately for you, I was able to distract her with some sugar water and bird seed while the ABC intern switched her “Sad FM” mixed tape with an array of girl power anthems by Pink, Kelly Clarkson and Alanis Morissette. She’s now decided that it’s time for a fresh start. At least that’s what we told her to say. The truth is we need to get the mansion ready for Bachelor Pad filming. Fitting rubber sheets to the bunk beds, making Everclear infused Jell-O shots and installing Purell dispensers in each bathroom, bedroom, closet, pantry and other convenient locations which are nowhere near a chlorine source takes time. Pack your bags. You’re going to Thailand. Phuket.”
Guys: “YEAH! PHUKET! We’re going to Thailand!”
After a few shaky Blair Witch moments in the airport, courtesy of the fine folks at ABC who manned our bachelors with Flip cameras, all the boys are still high fiving when someone nails another Phuket joke. Meanwhile, Ashley refuses to check her Fodor’s Travel Guide and decides on her own accord that the country of Thailand is probably blouse optional. She meets up with the hotel “Navigator” which must be Thai for concierge. Navigator Annie bows her greeting to Ashley and invites her to sit at her navigator desk in the lobby. Ashley drops that she’s in town with 12 hot guys and Annie responds with an appropriate “oh my goodness.” Together, they plan Ashley’s journeys.
The suitors arrive to their Phuket hotel suite and all stand in a straight line at the balcony overlooking the menacing clouds of the 3:00 afternoon downpour. Blake is rocking some red shoes. Pretty bold for an OCD dentist. Lucas talks about the outdoor pool. Pretty impressive for a mute. One of the Grobans is stoked he may spend time with Ashley. Pretty hard to tell them apart. Then JP spies the date card.
“Let’s Sea Phuket Together”
After confirming that there was not a fantasy suite key to a fancy yacht in the envelope, a smirking Greek Groban is excited to see Phuket with Ashley. Blake tests fate and says, “I hope it rains.”
Look outside buddy. You’re vacationing in a torrential downpour. Saying “I hope it rains” at this point is like saying you hope Ames remembered to pack his spray tan machine or you hope Ryan expresses just a little more energy on the next group date. It’s not hope. It’s inevitable.
The Greek Groban dresses in his best t-shirt, bright orange shorts and black and white Adidas Velcro flip flops from 1998. He meets Ashley under a huge umbrella on the dock where they will be taking a small fishing boat out with an even smaller fisherman in what appears to be the onset of Category 4 Tropical Storm. The people of Thailand have named it Harrison.
As Ashley shades her eyes from stinging rain, she tells the Greek Groban that they are like, totally going over to a private island together! The little fisherman begins an animated game of Phuket charades, working hard to convey to the crazy American teenager and world-renowned Josh Groban that he will not be responsible for risking the lives of a both a celebrity and a minor by taking his boat out in the angry sea.
A majorly bummed Ashley longs for the relief of her purple comforter as the depression begins to settle in.
Groban: “Hey! Don’t worry about it. We can go into town and explore! Maybe we can find the ugliest Hawaiian shirt.”
Groban: “Okay. Perhaps we can ask the Navigator another rainy day option…”
Ashley: “No, Groban! You meant a shirt from Phuket! Not Hawaii!”
Although I believe he is a total gentleman and extremely normal, Greek Groban hogs the massive umbrella as they stroll down a street that is sooooo Q-at (“cute” in Kardashian). The duo embraces the rain and even harasses a darling old man merchant who is just trying to sell a few plastic crates to the people of Phuket. They even confiscate the time of a young Thai girl who speaks English and peppers her with questions for the old man. We learn that the key to being married at least 37 years is to forgive and forget, as well as “don’t try to win.” Ashley and the Groban thank the kind man for his time, shake hands and then scuttle down the slick path for some lunch. Here’s hoping the little old man wasn’t forced to do some sort of spiritual or ritual cleansing after they both grabbed his hands instead of bowing.
We find Ashley and Greek Groban drinking beers from their complimentary PHUKET bottle koozies, talking about how they didn’t need a private island to have fun. They agree they are both normal and give each other props for making the best out of a dismal situation, remind each other of the Phuket adage they learned from the old man and toast to “not winning.”
Funny. I toasted myself for not falling asleep. We’re all champions.
As Ashley hoists up her strapless maxi dress, she reminds the camera that she’s still thinking about Bentley and we all ask each other, “How many times has she said his name?” Then I laughed because heads are going to ROLL when Harrison finds out they took his big huge bed with silky orange and red pillows and plopped it in the middle of a circle of flaming tiki torches on the beach. Which leads me to wonder if the ABC intern ever made it back from the private island where he was setting up this original date before Tropical Storm Harrison blew through?
Even though it’s a shimmering gold, the silky comforter reminds Ashley of her own purple down blanket of luxury and her mood quickly changes. She decides to go fishing for compliments.
Ashley: “Be honest. Let me know if you aren’t here for me.”
Greek Groban: “I am having a good time. Today was fun. I found I could separate the ease of the day with the weirdness of the situation. I’d love to stick around and have that opportunity again while drinking blue cocktails that look like Windex.”
Ashley not only looks unconvinced, but a little bored.
Ashley: “Today went so well despite everything that happened. It felt good to me. What about you?”
Greek Groban: “See above. Also, it’s silly to be so insecure.”
At the hotel, JP, the other Groban and Blake do what any group of guys would do on a rainy day in Phuket. They talk about who among the group has kissed Ashley and then prank call the Navigator, asking if refrigerator is running.
Back on the beach, Ashley questions Greek Groban about his relationship history and he does a very good job of appearing normal and even endears himself to the viewing audience a bit, which leads us all to wonder why in the world he is on this show. He speaks about learning to be vulnerable, the love of his family and not being afraid of failure.
Somebody’s been gong to their therapy sessions!
Ashley gives Greek Groban a rose and then jumps on his back so he can get whacked by a few furious ocean waves.
Let’s Make the World a Better Place
Flash Mob Ben
Lucas the Mute
Bursting in a visual orchestra of brilliant oranges against a royal blue sky, this recently purchased stock footage of the sun rising over the Gulf is symbolic of Ashley’s relationship breakthrough. It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. And Ashley’s feeling…
Sad about Bentley? When are they going to bring in Harrison? I can’t take this. Pretty soon I’m going to be forced to pop a Zoloft or two because she’s bumming me out so badly.
There’s no need to plaster on a fake smile because Ashley is going to talk about a very somber subject matter. In her shorty shorts paired with a twisted up red shirt milk maid shirt and rain boots, she begins her impromptu speech in front of an orphanage, “In case you don’t know about the natural disaster that hit here…” Clearly, offending the intelligence of those around by assuming they have not heard of the giant tsunami that swept over the majority of Asia in 2004 is in bad form. Most people in Thailand probably have heard of that particular devastation, but hey…it’s all about the kids, right?
Right Ashley? I think it’s probably best if you stop wandering from room to room searching for one of the bachelors to assure you that your bangs do not look like wet rat tails against your forehead. You’ve put your band of diligent suitors to work painting, furniture lifting and landscaping. It’s impolite to pull them away from the children and demand an audience in hopes to hear a few compliments while practicing your flirting skills. They already think you thought of this Bachelor Gives Back project all by yourself. They don’t need to know that the Navigator arranged every detail. Just go with it.
Visibly upset, Ashley meanders to another hut in hopes to choreograph a celebratory dance to “We Are The World” for the children so they may have a theatrical outlet for times when they are somber. It is here she runs into Groban who is metaphorically raising up the children to more than they can be by painting an elephant on the wall. Ashley totally digs his artistic side and joins him by adding a few flowers to the mural.
Meanwhile, Ryan has morphed into Sergeant Sunshine, embracing the term micromanager with a certain passion that borders on crazy. Blake has a hard time giving up control. One of the Grobans feels like his creativity is being stifled by the constant nagging and Mute Lucas reminds the audience that every man there is a leader and the Sarge needs to BACK OFF.
Ashley introduces the kids to their freshly painted dorm rooms. I kept screaming, “DON’T TOUCH THE WET PAINT” to the television. The rascals are herded into the front yard where bikes, soccer balls and nets awaited their eager fingers. Ashley was a bit jealous of a nine-year-old who hoola-hooped her way on screen, but she quickly remembered that the children are the future and we should teach them well and let them lead the way.
That night, the group date is protected from the trickling rain by a billowy tent on the beach. The men are dressed in their best pressed linen, while Ashley shows up wearing only a tiny purple bikini under a grey crochet hoodie poncho thingy that resembles a fishing net no doubt made from the nimble fingers of a Thai woman she and Greek Groban met in the market. The men should, and do, feel entirely over dressed.
The artistic Groban gets the first one-on-one time. Ashley tells him how impressed she was with his painting ability and the Groban is quick to change the subject to Ashley’s favorite topic.
Groban: “So tell me about you. How are you doing?”
You guessed it. Although not by name, Ashley brings up her depression surrounding the dill hole. Groban is nice enough to sit through approximately 30 seconds of this mess and then he goes in for the kill, probably because his head was about to explode. They nicely makeout while the rest of the crew trash talks Sergeant Sunshine, confident that his version of constant pep must be chemically driven. They all agree that if Sunny gets the date rose, they will all boycott and leave.
JP uses his time wisely and takes Ashley for a romantic walk on the beach.
JP: “So when is my next one-on-one?”
Ashley: “I feel like I owe you. You saw me at my lowest point. I want you to see the fun happy me.”
JP: “Why start now? Are you getting wet?”
Ashley: “A little.”
JP: “Then you should get closer.”
That’s how it’s done ladies and gentlemen. JP finally stepped up to the plate and proved to the viewing audience that we have a real man on this show. FINALLY. The umbrella drops and they begin to make out all “From Here To Eternity” style right there in the sand. In a seductive voiceover, Ashley repeats the important fact that JP is a phenomenal kisser, the best BY FAR of all the suitors, and his shaved head is sexy.
JP picks Ashley up from the ground, falls, laughs and picks her up again, carrying her sand, rain drenched body back to the billowing tent and offers her a cabana towel.
A new side of Sergeant Sunshine rears its ugly head and we all witness a glance and grimace that is very Hand That Rocks the Cradle. Just as Ashley is about to hand out the coveted bud, Sergeant Psycho asks to steal her away for just one more moment.
Blake begins to complain to anyone who will listen that Sunshine is not following the rules. Mute Lucas shouts, “GOOBER” to the top of his lungs, confirming that those who call others by the name of “goober” are unquestionably goobers themselves.
Confused and slightly alarmed that the man before her may tell her he’s pulling a Bentley and leaving the show early, Ashley waits for the punch line as Sergeant Sunshine says, “I look forward to having more conversations with you.”
And probably collecting her toe nail clippings, but whatever.
Ashley gives the Groban a rose, everyone lets out a sign of relief that it wasn’t the goober and the Sarge confirms during his confessional that if he had received the rose, it would have caused friction among his fellow bachelors.
To celebrate the rare seconds in which the camera will not get ruined due to the torrential rains, the group runs through the hotel lobby, peeling off their shirts and/or fishing nets before frolicking in a big huge fountain.
Awwwwww yeah! Gratuitous pectoral shots here we come! I can’t believe we are on week four and haven’t had a pool scene. Or a hot tub! This is going to be great! I bet that trainer has abs of steel. And you know the dentist is just OCD enough to have an impeccable set of shoulders. Will it be weird to pause the TV with all my girls over watching tonight? Or should I wait for them to leave and re-watch closely? THIS is what the Bachelorette is truly about.
Annnnnd scene. No pecs. No abs. No shoulders.
This is why I miss Roberto.
It’s More Romantic in the Rain
Ashley, is again, waiting for her date under a huge blue umbrella that protects her tank top and sarong from the beating rain. Ames’ blindingly white Bermuda shorts make him easy to spot walking down the pathway. When he sees Ashley, he begins to make his way over to her general direction. It was more than a spirited walk or casual jog. Perhaps sashay is the best term to use in this instance. Yes. That’s it. Ames sashays up to Ashley, ready for a fun-filled date.
Ashley: “I hope to find out that Ames can let loose today. That’s why I wore a loose braid in my hair. I know he’s intelligent and sweet but I just need to know if he is here for the right reasons. And by right reasons, I mean he’s here for me and not one of the Grobans.”
Ames and Ashley eat on the boat before heading out to sea. We learn that Ames has been to 70 countries, including Thailand…twice. Once backpacking after graduation and another to attend cooking school.
Ashley: “This is so cool! I’ve always wanted a BFF who bats for the other team.”
Ashley: “Nothing. Let’s explore!”
The boat whisks through the serene waters as Ashley comments on the mystical sky (read: rainy) and the clouds that float on the mountains (read: zero visibility). Standing at the bow, the wind and piercing rain droplets pricking their faces, Ashley spreads her arms open wide.
Ashley: “I feel like we’re on the Titanic!”
I’m mid eye roll, waiting for Ames to get all Jack Dawson when he surprises me with the witty quip, “Let’s hope not.”
And that is when Ames was forever endeared to me.
The pair board and inflatable kayak and discover new and adventurous ways to manipulate the inner workings of creepy caves. Everything was kew-al (“cool” in Kardashian) to Ashley. Once Ames told us if you look up, you can see the sky. Remarkable. He later added that navigating the cave was like navigating a relationship. Just as I was about to fast forward to the part where they share hair product secrets, we find our BFFs on a blanket eating a picnic of champagne and some sort of green speckled cheese or snow cone. I can’t be sure because I was distracted by the amount of potential I saw in the now shirtless Ames.
He’s talking about meeting someone in a shoe store. I’m imagine it was in Monaco, but who cares? I just want the camera man to pan out for crying out loud!
Ashley: “I want someone who is devoted to family.”
Ames: “I want someone who is spontaneous. I’m not looking for another me, mind you. And I hope you aren’t looking for a dancer.”
Then he stands up and it is confirmed…Ames has a hot body. Plus he has some pretty good answers to some lame questions. And he’s funny.
Too good to be true ladies.
At dinner, I’m too distracted to noticed Ames’ starchy white linen pants because Ashley is trying to double crotchless panties for a skirt. Interesting fashion choices by both parties I do believe.
Ashley: “Total twinsies! Don’t you love wearing white? Of course you can’t see my micro skirt because it’s up under my trademark off-the-shoulder Flashdance top, but it’s super short and super cute. We are soooo similar. We’re both nerdy!”
Ames tries not to laugh as Ashley compares his four college degrees to her dental assistant certificate. He decides to ask another mind-blowing-never-before-uttered-question:
Ames: “If you could change a part of your childhood, what would it be?”
Basically, Ashley answers that she would raise her kids in a big city and expose them to more than honor system roadside lobster shacks. Ashley tells Ames that he’s “different from the other guys” and she means that in a good way. Ames says that he’s over his previous relationship, he’s not in a hurry to have a new one, but he is ready.
Who is this guy?
He adds that he has no checklist when it comes to women (as opposed to…?) and that he thinks Ashley is funny and interesting and beautiful.
Ashley gives him the rose. They do not kiss, but he does re-braid her hair into a more fetching style before gabbing about how they can’t afford to eat two desserts, but they will share one together.
Wearing horizontal stripes and not looking a bit fat, Ashley decides to ask some serious questions to a few of the remaining fellas. She wonders aloud to West how she will be able to fill the shoes of his deceased wife. West reminds her that he’s a new person and there are no shoes to fill. He’s ready for happiness. Ashley left with a haunting cold chill.
She asks Lucas what happened between him and his ex-wife and he answered, “We fell out of love. If I saw you at a restaurant, I would approach you, because you are gorgeous.” Ashley left with a huge smile on her face.
Blake confronts Sergeant Sunshine and tells him that the guys have talked and it’s unanimous: he’s driving everyone bananas with all his positive energy. He tells him that it would appear that he is disingenuous in his actions.
The Sarge to the camera: “You can’t hang with the fact that I’m not happy? Well maybe I should be grumpy. Think about our soldiers who are overseas…you could be waking up to mortar shots.”
The Sarge looks for solitude in Ashley.
Ashley: “Are you always so happy? What makes you sad or mad?”
Sarge: “WHY? WHAT DID YOU HEAR? I’m sorry Ashley. It’s just that Blake cornered me and wanted to know the same thing. I’m just bursting with a lot of love in my chest. This is the real me. Life is gift that can go at any moment. I hope we have many more moments together.”
Fortunately, Our Host Chris Harrison enters the room, clanging his champagne glass with a butter knife. “Look at this guy!” someone shouts from across the room. Indeed. Look at his perfectly fitted grey suit with skinny red and white tie. Ashley gets all handsy as she gropes her mentor when they leave the room for a quick chat.
OHCH: “How are you doing?”
Ashley: “Better. The Grobans were great. Ames blew me away and those little local urchins were tolerable.”
OHCH: “So are you over the dill hole?”
Ashley: “OH CHRIS! I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK! I still wonder. I have this amazing intuition. There’s something more there.”
OHCH: “Calm down. You need closure.”
Ashley: “But the dot, dot, dot!”
OHCH: “Do I have to remind you that there are still guys here who are sort of in to you?”
Ashley: “You’re right. Maybe my feelings will change. I think I want to break the rules and only send one guy home tonight instead of two.”
OHCH: “I don’t see how that’s helpful since you just practically admitted to not liking any of them, but whatever. There are no rules in the Bachelor. If you want to go rogue, we’ll go rogue. You just wait until next week. I’m headed out front to find an exotic flower native to Thailand, complete with a charming little green tree frog for the rose ceremony.”
Along with Ames and the Grobans, roses go to:
OH Mickey in his blueberry shirt and vest
Flash Mob Ben
West piles in to the unmarked black van bound for the long trip home…alone.
Next week, we continue our journey through the monsoon season in Thailand by partaking in some ultimate fighting! Also, it would appear as if Bentley is back to mess with the already insecure mind of our Bachelorette.
Which brings me to an exciting opportunity for iHateGreenBean readers!
My friend Andrea Montgomery’s jewelry was just featured in US Weekly by none other than the fiance of our favorite Bachelor Roberto! That’s right…Ali was photographed with ABC darlings Trist and Ryan wearing Andreas angel wing necklace.
And she’s been kind enough to offer me one to give away to a lucky reader! Woo hoo!
What do you have to do? It’s easy. Simply write in the comment section what you think Bentley will say about Ashley in next week’s episode. Have fun with it! It can be sleazy, charming or straight up dill hole, but please keep it clean because this is a family website.
A panel of friends will choose the most “Bentley-ish” comment! Winners will be announced during NEXT WEEK’S post. Good luck!
Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the fame,