Bachelor Recap: Hot Tubin’ Lovin’

Bachelorette Recap: Rachel Episode 6

Clearly our voices have been heard. Last night was the first episode in recent memory that ended with an actual rose ceremony unaccompanied by a “TO BE CONTINUED” slate. Our Host Chris Harrison must have read my recap, as well as your aggressive tweets. He probably reported back to Mike Fleiss that we were upset.

Bachelor Nation is a powerful group of people. I’m proud to be in your ranks.

But before we launch into this traditional episode, we do have to take care of a pesky two-on-one date in which some of the characters are not keeping it 100. Rachel has to let either Lee or Kenny go.

When we last left this uncomfortable date, Kenny learned that Lee had spilled a few false beans when he had his one-on-one time with Rachel. Lee recounts that Kenny threatened him on numerous occasions and hurled bad names. Kenny calls BS, Rachel rolls her eyes, Lee conceals his smirk with a tumbler of bourbon, and all crew members are put on high alert when Kenny starts cackling like a witch. The ABC Psychotherapist stands at the ready with a tiny pill, just in case.

Kenny laughs his way down the hill. He calls Lee a snake and swears that there is no need for them to ever speak again. Then he spouts so many expletives that someone in the sound booth is forced to hold his or her finger down on the high-pitched BLEEP button for a solid ten seconds.

Rachel is sooooo over this date. Plus, she’s cold. She judiciously explains to the guys that she pretty much hates the fact that both have different stories. Trust is a big deal to her, and since she is contractually obligated to take one of the dudes back in the helicopter, the rose can not go to Lee. Not so fast with the celebratory grin, there Kenny. The rose is not going to you either. Although she’s not going to leave you in the middle of a fjord like Lee, that boutonniere is going to remain firmly in Rachel’s cold, frigid fingers.

She walks to the waiting helicopter with Kenny. Once she hops inside, Kenny does not follow. He turns back around so he can have a talk with Lee one more time. I’m not sure what they discussed, because I was shouting, “TAKE OFF WITHOUT HIM! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!” to then television. For a hot second, I actually thought Rachel was going to. She is beyond annoyed that she is alone in her ride without a man by her side. A man who is sitting on pretty thin ice to begin with.

Kenny comes back, relieved that he got the last word in. He waves as the chopper pulls up and away from the snake in the grass down below. Meanwhile, back at the hostel suite in Oslo, the Norwegian Pauly picks up Lee’s bags and walks out the door to a chorus of rambunctious cheers.

Rachel invites Kenny to her suite so she can examine the witness. Rachel proves that Kenny behaved like a jack wagon. Kenny defends himself by claiming he believes instead of bottling things up, you should let your frustrations out and then be done with it.

Rachel: Is that before or after you go back to the helicopter?
Lincee: Are you keeping it 100 the entire time?
Kenny: I’m emotionally vulnerable.
Lincee: Did Taylor diagnose you?

Rachel trusts Kenny. She appreciates his sincerity and knows with everything inside her that Kenny is here for the right reasons (right reasons). She leans in thirty-percent of the way for a kiss. Kenny licks his lips (thanks to Bryan, she’s used to moist kisses) and gives her a quick peck. Rachel returns the favor by giving him the date rose. Kenny calls his daughter and cries when she tells him that he deserves to be happy. I may have teared up, too.

ROSE CEREMONY
All the dudes dress in their best suits and walk down to the rose ceremony staging area. A few carry lanterns to make the experience even more Norse. Rachel arrives in a long-sleeved shimmery dress made of crushed golden tin foil. I loved it.

Five other guys join Will, Bryan, and Kenny in the safe zone. Dean, Eric, Peter, Adam Jr’s Dad, Penguin Matt. My boy MC Anthony and Josiah are ushered to the rejection reindeer sled outside.

Josiah is floored that he has been ousted. He speaks his mind, because it hurst to bite his tongue, telling the camera that Rachel suffers from poor judgement since she kept the Soviet Union KGB Agent (read: Alex Brother Russia) and the guy who brings a doll that looks like Mike Meyers (read: Adam Jr’s Dad) instead of him.

Josiah may have lost the girl, but he’ll always have his very smart brain and Spelling Bee cup. #silverlining

Rachel gathers her eight remaining fellas and tells them to pack their bags, because they’re going to Denmark! Our handy animated travel map helps those of us who may be geographically challenged form a mental picture of where Copenhagen is located. This is where we find Rachel biking around town in her heels.

Then something odd happens. Rachel starts spouting off facts about Denmark like her last name is Britannica. I would have brushed it off as filler copy, but she does it again when she and Eric explore the city together. She does this all day long. With each turn, Rachel has a different fact to share with Eric, who doesn’t seem to care that sailors used to live in a row of colorful houses. He was way more interested in chillin’ in an outdoor public bath of individual hot tubs.

I’m so glad Rachel remembered to pack her black-and-white bikini with a matching bandana in the pocket of her wool coat.

After hot tubbin’, Rachel takes Eric to the oldest amusement park in the world built in blah-blah-blah. Denmark must have put some sort of weird trivia clause in the contract that Rachel had to recite at least fifty facts on air in order for their stay at the Copenhagen Hilton to be free of charge.

The kids ride bumper cars, spin on the carousel, whack at moles, and snuggle on a ferris wheel. At dinner, Eric opens up a bit more about his childhood and how he was a good kid who never received any sort of affection. He’s super excited and a little scared at this new emotion he’s feeling. Although he’s not willing to unbutton his top button, he is willing to metaphorically let himself go for the glory of love.

It’s going to be soooooooo sad when she doesn’t pick him.

GROUP DATE
“I’ve taken a Viking to You Guys”
Peter in an old man sweater
Dean
Kenny
Bryan
Brother Russia Alex
Matt the Penguin
Adam Jr’s Dad

Rachel forces all of the guys (and a few old man tourists) to row her to the other side of the lake in a Viking ship. Once on land, the group meets Tom and Morton. Tom is a why-king teacher. And Morton is his trusty sidekick who knows everything Tom knows.

Call me crazy, but my affection for these viking instructors is right up there with Jorge the Bartender.

Tom and Morton are here to teach the men how to properly fight with wooden shields and swords. Whoever shows the most potential in why-king combat will win the heart of our fair maiden.

First up — a new wardrobe. Everyone scrambles to a tent in order to change into something a little more suitable for raiding and trading.

Not one looked like this:

Viking

That’s Travis Fimmel of the TV show Vikings.

Not to be confused with King Arthur himself, Charlie Hunnam:

Charlie Hunnam

Tom and Mort teach the guys how to pull a stick, hop on one leg, and push each other out of a circle. Kenny, of course, dominates, but let’s not forget that Adam Jr’s Dad came to play! They are the last two standing and the last two to both get knocked in the head with large, heavy, wooden shields. BLOOD IS DRAWN. Tom and Morton must be so proud of these why-kings.

Kenny is victorious. He gets a horned hat instead of a group rose. The days is a success in Rachel’s eyes. Although they were cold and bloody, the guys really brought everything to the viking circle. She wonders who will rise above the rest at the cocktail party?

Alex’s electric blue pants…that’s who.

Bryan grabs her first after the cocktail toast, takes her to a couch, and kisses her normally. He must be reading my recaps. Bryan talks about peeling back layers and Rachel admits that she’s nervous about what’s to come. Instead of telling her that’s perfectly normal, Bryan wonders why she isn’t more positive about their relationship? It’s so great!

I’ll give it a go: For starters, they don’t live in the same city or state. Second, there are other dudes vying for her attention, and she’s particularly fond of one with a gap in his front teeth. Also, she doesn’t know if she’s ready to meet families yet. Being the bachelorette is hard, y’all.

Bryan doesn’t understand. Since he’s so beautiful, he rarely has never received anything he didn’t go after. Between his ruggedly handsome good looks and ability to be one-thousand-percent positive (not a thing), Bryan easily calms Rachel’s nerves by telling her that he envisions their time together as magical.

Sounds like someone is still waiting for his acceptance letter into Hogwarts.

Rachel takes a different approach with Peter. She praises him for being handsome and acting nervous when they first met. She’s not good at vocalizing how she feels, so she wants Peter to know that she hearts him. He responds by admitting that she has inspired him to “look into the future.” Rachel is his muse. Rachel is also a smitten kitten.

See the difference between the Bryan encounter and the Peter encounter? Something is off with Bryan. He reminds me of Josh in Andi’s season. Is it just me?

In other news, Dean boozes it up with Rachel, Alex makes her laugh, Adam Jr’s Dad experiences the first kiss we’ve seen on television (is this also their first time to speak?), and Matt tells Rachel that Kenny is emotionally unraveling.

That’s like saying Corinne likes tequila. NO DUH!

Poor Kenny is an emotional mess. He takes it to Rachel, so they can keep things 100, and admits that as each day goes by, it gets more and more difficult for him to stay. Not only is he mentally drained from Lee’s antics, but he misses his daughter.

Kenny: I need to be confident with where we are at.
Lincee: As Linea Ray would say, you are between the A and the T.
Rachel: What are you missing from me?

Lincee: ANSWER CAREFULLY, KENNY.
Kenny: I’m not sure.
Rachel: Then I think you should go home, too.

Kenny: Wait, did I say that?
Rachel: I’ll miss you!
Kenny: You get me, girl.

Okay, I don’t think Kenny was technically asking for a plane ticket back to Vegas, but that’s what he got. Clearly Kenny looked around and thought, “I don’t have a relationship like she has with Eric or Adam Jr’s Dad (shocker) and she definitely doesn’t look at me the way she looks at Peter and Bryan. Maybe it’s my time to bow out of the race.”

#respect

Kenny goes home, Peter gets the group date rose, and for the first time, Bryan bristles with the knowledge that Peter is his number one competition. Let the games begin.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Will
“Will You Be My Sweetie?

Will is handsome, confident, smart, and is one of the best dressers in the cast. Rachel agrees with me. Her one beef is that Will clams up when he’s around her. To help him relax, Rachel takes Will to the land of meatballs and red gummy fish. Welcome to Sweden!

Rachel begins to tick off Swedish facts (Lord, help me), tries to dance with Will as a folk singer plays his guitar, and listens as an old married couple explain the secret of a successful marriage to her and the mute guy she’s sitting beside.

After, Rachel takes Will to the famous yadda yadda castle built in who knows by the blah blah blah people so they can take in the romantic view.

And they do take in that view. IN COMPLETE SILENCE.

You know that producer told the camera man to “stay on them…stay on them…” just to see how long Rachel would make those facial expressions that can’t be described as anything else but a huge green light for Will to make his move. He did not. He barely holds her hand.

Will shows up at dinner looking extremely well put together. I would say the same for Rachel if she hadn’t skinned a Fraggle to make her feathery coat. Rachel wastes no time diving in so she can address the big elephant in the room. But she does so subtly.

Rachel: What are you attracted to?
Will: Traditionally I’ve dated white girls.

Rachel: Okay, I get that. What type of boyfriend are you in a relationship?
Will: I’m very attentive. Physically intimacy is very important to me.

THE DEFENSE RESTS, YOUR HONOR!

Rachel thanks Will for being awesome, and a good friend (emphasis on the friend), but reprimands him for not being affection with her at all the entire day. She would have maybe let it slide if he had not confessed that he is a lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’ kind of guy. Since he didn’t respond to her that way, she can only assume that he’s not into her. Therefore, he must go home.

I understand what Rachel means. I also think Will is not the type of person who can jump in with both feet in order to fall in love for six weeks.

Rachel’s men are dropping like flies. She thinks about this as she stands in the rain, in her first pair of jeans of the season, with a crimson cold left clavicle sweater to keep her warm.

ROSE CEREMONY
Gone are the days when bachelorettes needed cocktail parties to process their feelings. Rachel knows what she wants, but that doesn’t mean that sending another dude home is going to be easy. In fact, it’s going to be the most painful of all!

Eric and Peter have roses. They are in the clear. They have no qualms when Rachel leaves the rose ceremony room so she can be emotional outside. Even though Harrison takes her coat upon arrival, Our Host is nowhere to be seen. He must be out having a flagon of mead with Tom and Morton.

Through dry heaves and snotty snorts, Rachel extends roses to Bryan, Penguin Matt, Dean, and Adam Jr’s Dad. Brother Russia Alex and his hot pink tie are dunzo.

Rachel isn’t playing around. She’s here to find a husband. I just never thought this group would be her final six!

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