Bachelor Recap: Safari…So Goody
Hello my dear readers. It’s been a crazy couple of days and I have that “morning after the slumber party” feeling right now. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you know that I returned late last night from Disney World where my friend Keri and I conquered five rides in four parks in six hours on our last day. Thankfully, I have this picture to remember my mini vacation:
This is what happens when people ask me to wait for 45 minutes before the show starts.
It’s a good thing the beginning of the Bachelor was a repeat of last week’s opening montage. I was able to take a quick nap and replenish my energy while Brad waxed on about Chantal’s drama, Ashley’s insecurities and Emily’s mini me.
What better way to clear your mind and spirit than to take a trip to South Africa? CUE THE BONGO DRUMS INTERN!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who often purchases the Chick-fil-A cow calendars and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Captain Obvious explains to the viewing audience that South Africa is a vast land full of exotic animals. Luckily for him and his entourage of women, ABC struck a deal with Lion Sands Private Game Resort and Bradley will have the privilege to see these exotic animals up close and personal. Too bad for the animals that they will be tripping out from their early afternoon round of tranquilizers.
Someone convinces Brad that he will not look like a total chach in a safari hat from the Lion Sands gift shop. He rides in the back of a bumpy Lion Sands safarimobile to fetch a waiting Chantal, grateful that his safari hat strap is snug and secure under his chin. She has on Daisy Dukes, an olive green safari shirt and huge hoop earrings. Along with the driver, there’s another man strapped to the hood. I’m guessing mid-afternoon snack if things do not go well?
Brad: “Hello Chan-tell. Come to me.”
Chantal: “OMG! Are we going on a safari?”
Lincee: I wonder what gave it away.
Brad: “This is going to be amazing. Truly. Here I have a hat for you too.”
Chantal: “Are we going to see wild animals? Should I be scared? Are we in danger?”
Lincee: Considering Lion Sands Private Game Resort is like a fancy city zoo on crack, I’m guessing no. And PS: Not going on a safari in Africa is like Ashley not being insecure or Michelle being a doting mother.
Chantal ditches the lame hat after five seconds of pretending to be Meryl Streep in Out of Africa. Sadly, Brad does not ditch his hat and remains a chach. He mentions about nine times that they are exploring the South African bush. The 12-year-old in me laughed all nine times. The pair “oohh and aahh” over the elephants, zebras, monkeys, wildebeests and a pride of zoned out lions. One female attempted to stand up and immediately fell over thanks to a tranq dart to the trachea.
Brad: “I like you Chan-tell. It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could do.”
Brad: “I miss the rains down in Aaaa-fri-ca. I miss the rains down in Aaaa-fri-ca. Gonna take some time to do the things we never had.”
Chantal: “Are you having a stroke or something?”
Brad: “Toto. Africa. 1982. Get it?”
Chantal: “I was two-years-old when that song came out, so no. “EEEEEEKKKKK! THERE’S A GIRAFFE!”
Brad: “Isn’t it beautiful Chan-tell?”
Chantal: “I guess. It’s gorgeous in a weird sort of way. I think the skin would make a perfect skirt for clubbing or a cool hand bag.”
Brad tells the camera that he loved seeing Chan-tell’s face when they approached the giraffe hanging out and eating leaves.
Really? Really ABC? Is this what we’ve come to? I’m so bored. The dialog I’m making up is even putting me to sleep.
Just then, the Lion Sands safari bush guide (hee hee) bursts through the bush (hee hee) with a gun.
Please don’t hurt the giraffe! Please Mr. Bush Man! I take it back. Your Private Game Resort is stellar. Truly. I really mean it. You don’t have to create an action sequence because we are all bored. DON’T POP THE GIRAFFE!
Brad explains that the bush man is walking our love birds down to have some romantic alone time by the river. There is no van, but there is a herd of hippos. Apparently, if these jokers get hungry, they’ll snap up anything in sight. And if they get hungry, HUNGRY, guard your little white marbles because there’s no turning back. Especially with the pink one.
Our Bachelor wants Chantal to fear the danger so he can keep her safe and drone on and on to the camera about how this exact moment is a metaphor for their relationship, but she seems unfazed by the armed guard and spreads out a picnic blanket and various snacks with little concern. Therefore, one can only conclude that her Daddy may be in the upper ranks of the Sicilian Mafia under the guise of “successful car dealership owner in Washington” when he actually is the boss of the West Coast family based in Seattle.
Brad: “Is it weird if I say I miss your family?”
Chantal: “No! I love that. Daddy misses you too. He told me to tell you that he’s going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. He also needs your measurements for a side project he’s having our family artist work on.”
Excited, Brad changes the subject to marriage and reminds Chantal that he could be proposing in a week. Chantal confesses to the camera that it’s her dream to be a better person for the don in her life, just like her mother.
Later that night at dinner, Brad admits that his heart is open to falling in love and wonders if Chantal is ready for the next step. She doesn’t mind that Brad is a words of affirmation type of guy and tells him once again that she is totally falling head over heels for him and is not afraid to get engaged in a week. In fact, she’s ready to get married right now and is willing to walk the Bush Man or Lunch Man through the ordaining process on the iPhone she smuggled in her massive bosom.
Chantal: “Being engaged means you promise that person that you will be marrying them.”
Lincee: You don’t say.
Chantal: “When I make a promise, I keep it. There will be no turning back. I will stand by my man and my family and expect him to do the same. Daddy always said that a man who doesn’t spend time with his family can not be a real man. Are you a real man? ARE YOU?”
Admitting he’s turned on by Chantal’s vulnerability and spontaneity, Brad proves he’s a real man by sliding the forgo suite date envelope in her general direction. Without cracking open the seal, a slow smile creeps across her face in anticipation of her fantasy suite.
“Let’s go now,” she coos.
Brad: “What about dinner?”
Chantal: “You’re right. Leave the gun. Take the cannolis.”
Brad: “Cannoli? But I though we were having hippo…the other white meat?”
Brad has the ABC intern pack up dinner and leads Chantal to a remote part of the wilderness where he points out where they will be staying the night…in a quaint little tree house.
Brad: “So cool, huh? We’re staying in fort! I always wanted to do this!”
Chantal: “Does it have a comfy bed with 800-thread-count sheets?”
Brad: “Only the best for my baby. You’re okay with it not having walls, right? The ABC intern just couldn’t pull it off in time.”
Chantal: “Oh totally. And it’s not like there’s a Home Depot right down the street.”
Brad: “Well, there is actually one by the Romano’s Macaroni Grill, but he didn’t have time because a mosquito netting and condoms run trumped walls and ceiling. You understand right?
Chantal: “Bring it.”
Chantal was not expecting to forgo bathroom privileges, but decides that Brad is worth it. Knowing that Brad loves costume changes, she fashions a bra and panty set made from banana tree leaves. They snuggle on a futon in the corner. When she pulls a ruler from her discarded boot to take Brad’s measurement, the cameras know it’s time to leave.
The next day, Brad sprints across the African veldt to the awaiting arms of Emily. She is wearing denim, boots and a white pair of Daisy Dukes. Brad mumbles that he forgot something and leaves her alone in the Savannah to be eaten by a band of mosquitoes because Lord knows anything with a pulse has been tranq’d out or Lunch was thrown in the path of wayward dangerous animals that may have wandered onto the resort.
Brad arrives on the back of an elephant as Emily utters, “shut up” before a line of “oh my goodness gracious” as a few Lunches hoist her up onto said elephant. She tells the camera that her dream has always been to go to Africa and ride an elephant and that this is way better than the Lion King.
Since breezy dialog is sort of impossible when you are on the back of an animal that weighs eight tons, Brad and Emily’s first conversation is at the picnic by the “pond” as Emily called it.
Brad: “Is it weird if I say I miss your family Ricki?”
Emily: “That is so sweet. I wish she could have seen the elephant.”
Brad: “Does she understand what’s going on? That we will be spending time together?”
Emily: “Well, I’ve never crossed that bridge.”
Brad: “Are you ready?”
Emily: “Are you ready for a five-year-old?”
Brad pours his heart out to Emily and sweetly tells her that he knows she is a package deal. He kisses her and because Brad is wearing his navy v-neck Henley, I notice the strong neck muscles and sigh.
Emily arrives at dinner in a black mini dress, determined to tell Brad how she feels. Brad turns into a pre-pubescent boy and stammers on about how Emily’s essence makes him nervous.
Emily gets that a lot and graciously tells him that she understands that she is hard to read. Then for the first time, Emily stumbles through a prepared speech that doesn’t really make sense to the viewing audience or Brad, but he continues to rub her hand in support and slides the fantasy suite card in her general direction and asks her to please, please read it.
Emily looks nervous and says that she wants to set a good example for her little girl. YAY FOR SELF RESPECT! Then she accepts the key. JUST KIDDING ON THE SELF RESPECT! Then she adds that she wants things to go slow and is choosing to use this time to get to know him better. YAY AGAIN FOR SELF RESPECT AND FOR MY NAIVETY FOR BELIEVING THAT THIS IS WHAT THEY ACTUALLY DID!
Not knowing that she should take the time to be thankful for having actual walls in her fantasy suite, Emily shares a love seat with Brad and quietly reveals that she is falling in love with him. Brad appears as if his head is going to explode and responds that he is falling in love with her too.
Brad: “Look. Please listen to me. I’m falling in love with you too. Truly. I’m not going to sit here and let you say such precious things to me like Chan-tell did and not tell them back to you. Have you seen you? I’d be an idiot not to share my feelings in front of all America because I’m rogue Bachelor. Truly. Please. Come here to me.”
Emily tells us that her fiancé Ricky taught her how to love so she will know how it feels. And this is it. The camera leaves with them “talking” on the couch with little cupids swimming around above their heads.
Brad arrives for his date with Ashley in cargo shorts and another blue shirt, still basking in the glory of all that is Emily. He makes an effort to concentrate on this date, but he’s distracted by the pockets hanging from the nether regions of Ashley’s Daisy Dukes and her bright melon-colored tank.
They make their way through the bush (hee hee) and Ashley cracks a joke about their carnival date that is sooo eight weeks ago. She begins to screech and wail like and banshee and we wonder if Lunch has finally been served to an unruly rhinoceros. Ashley high tails it in the opposite direction and I’m convinced Brad is about to be run over by a pack of wildebeests.
Circle of life people. Circle of life.
Instead, Ashley is running for the hills at the sight of a helicopter. Brad laughs a little and then realizes she is afraid of flying in said chopper and vows to protect her. After a 30 minute life metaphor tangent, Brad is fed up with Ashley’s immaturity.
Brad: “Dude. I’ve ridden in a helicopter on this show like four bajillion times. Get in already.”
They take off and have a beautiful aerial view of South Africa. None of us can see it because Brad is hogging the open door, pretending to be Lieutenant Colonel Kilgore regaling about the smell of napalm in the morning.
The pilot lands in a breathtaking area known as “God’s Window.” Brad uses this picturesque background to bond with Ashley, hoping that she will open up more about her wishes and dreams for the future.
Brad: “Is it weird if I say I miss Mr. O Ricki the old you your family?”
Ash: “Not at all! They loved you.”
Brad: “So. Where do you see yourself in the future?”
Ash: “I study all the time and deserve a break after graduation. The possibilities are endless!”
Brad: “Weird. I thought you were already a dentist. But that’s something we can cover after we are engaged. What I’d really like to know now is where do you want to live?
Ash: “I want to go to conferences to be a better dentist. I know what I have to offer and I know what you want.”
Brad: “Wow. You remind me of myself when I was your age 15 years ago. I wanted nothing more than to work. But perhaps you need balance.”
Ash: “You make me think. Look! JELLY BEANS!”
Our Bachelor is worked up. Not because he’s wearing a black and blue lumberjack shirt, but because he’s afraid that Ashley’s future does not mesh well with his life goals.
During dinner, Brad begins his questioning again. Ashley answers while chewing her food.
Ash: “I know I’m career oriented. Wow this is good! Here. Taste. Where was I? [swallow] I want to be super woman and have it all, but I do want balance. Yummy African feast!”
Brad: “I don’t expect you to be super woman. That’s not what I was saying. I want to know if we mesh well.”
Ash: [chew, chew] We have sparks! There’s a pull. There’s nothing that can break that. Everything is about compromising the bad and celebrating the good. Like this awesome purple stuff I’m eating! So fab!”
Brad: “I don’t want to compromise my life. I asked you today where you wanted to live and you never said Austin.”
Ash: “Duh. I’ve never been there. Zebra-cabob?”
Brad: “I’m in Austin.”
Ash: “Right. That’s not a compromise.”
Brad: “I’m confused. Where-do-you-want-to-practice-dentistry?”
Ash: “That’s the beauty! I can go wherever I want!”
Brad: “WHICH IS???”
Ash: [picking teeth] “Have faith in us Brad!”
Brad: “Based on a fun carnival date and a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot where I saw your bare boob? Really?”
Frustrated, Brad tosses the forgo card invitation to Ashley, hoping that the second part of this conversation will not get lost in translation in the fantasy suite. After some gratuitous making out, Ashley begins inquiring Brad about the mosquito netting. He declines to share the things Chantal did to him in that mosquito net and begins to miss the Ashley he once fell for back in the day.
Brad graces the screen, shirtless, and we pause long enough to take a picture with our phone, email the picture to ourselves and accept it as the new desktop screen saver in lieu of this:
A white pimped out Range Rover, the African version of a limo, takes Brad to Our Host Chris Harrison in the sub-Saharan version of the Pier Bureau photo room sadly not located in the ABC intern’s tree house.
OHCH: “Check out my sweet watch. I won it off of Penelope Cruz in a wild game of strip poker after the Vanity Fair Oscar party. It was supposed to be a birthday gift for Javier. How do you say suck it in Spanish?”
Brad: “Could we talk for a minute Chris?”
OHCH: “Sure. According to my pimped out watch, I have time.”
Brad: “There are three women left and I am feeling…”
OHCH: “Easy there Brad. Do I look like Dr. Jaime to you? I want to hear about the overnight fantasy suite dates. You’re welcome by the way.”
Brad: “It would have been great, but Ash’s date was just uncomfortable.”
OHCH: “Don’t be embarrassed. We already went through that with Ed’s season. America has totally forgotten all about that. A few Viagra jokes and they’ll forget about you too.”
Brad: “I saw her change and shut down before my eyes. The wheels fell off. It breaks my heart that I’m sending her home. I can say that because I’m rogue Bachelor.”
OHCH: “Actually, you can say that because we aren’t idiots and oh by the way no one really cares. Let’s hand out some roses and break a heart today!”
Brad begins to look at the array of Bachelorette head shots on African place mats when Harrison pulls him to the pavilion by his strong rugged neck. He paces back and forth like a caged animal as Chantal adjusts her tangerine wrap dress, Emily wishes for a bang braid while placing a stray strand behind her ear and Ashley rethinks her gold lame number.
After asking each woman if they are good, Brad requests the company of Ashley. It’s when he walked her up 67 steps to sit in the special post-rejection African Range Rover spot that I knew she wasn’t coming back.
Brad: “Where do I start? I thought our relationship was so strong and now it’s gone in a different direction.”
Ash: “What happened?”
Brad: “I think I backed you in a corner. I want you to know how I feel.”
Ash: “You asked a lot of tough questions.”
Brad: “NOT REALLY.”
Ash: “I know.”
Brad: “I wish I fit into your life, but I just don’t know that is true. I still have questions.”
Ash: “I wish I had answers.”
Ashley stands up and tells him she is not willing to beg him to change his mind. Brad says he is confident in his decision and walks her to the car. The ABC intern provides Emily and Chantal with a few blotting papers and bottled water while Brad tells Ashley goodbye.
Ash: “I’m so surprised right now.”
Brad: “Your surprise does not surprise me.”
Before our very eyes, we witness the early onset of a panic attack. Brad fidgets with his cuff links, adjusts his neck tie and pulls at his own ears. He begins heaving uncontrollably. He needs a balcony. SOMEONE POINT HIM TO A BALCONY!
And there it is. Behold. The Lion Sands balcony, just waiting for Brad to pull a Mesnick.
Although he didn’t commit like Pavelka,
Brad did execute a half-Mesnick with as much dignity as one can muster whilst performing a Mesnick.
Brad collects himself and returns to the African pavilion where Chantal has disrobed down to her bra and panties while Emily is being treated for heat stroke from several willing EMT technicians offering mouth-to-mouth. Once everyone is back in place, Brad feels both remaining women deserve a rose ceremony as he hands out the coveted buds. He awkwardly hugs them both, excited for them to meet his family in Cape Town.
Next week is Women Tell All, followed by our exciting finale the week after. Can you believe we have two episodes left? What do you think? Who’s it going to be? Will Brad ever say Chantal’s name correctly? So many questions! Sound off in the comments and let’s dish!
And don’t forget to check out this week’s AOL TV Squad video!
Until then, I’m all about the fame, not the shame,