Bachelor Recap: SLAM! Let the Boys Be Boys

Hello my lovely readers! And thanks for checking in here at IHGB headquarters to see what your fellow Bachelorette watchers have to say about what could arguably be the most boring season since Prince Lorenzo pimped himself out to promote his dog washing business on QVC. Our Host Chris Harrison is undoubtedly popping blood pressure medicine between tequila shots and our suitors find each other more interesting than our Bachelorette who is trying to make off-the-shoulder tops and questionable belted rompers fashionable. Oh yeah…in case you didn’t get the memo…Ashley is still diggin’ the d-bag from Salt Lake City.

Lord help us all.

Before I get into my recap of Ashley using the word “Bentley” no more than one million times, I’d like to address a few housekeeping items:

1. Cape Cod Chris is engaged to Peyton
IHGB readers Andre and Hayley were the brave souls who first sent me the link to the People Magazine announcement of the pending nuptials. Although my periodic chart t-shirt loving hot nerd is no longer on the market, I still have the hope of Ryan Reynolds. I’m choosing to be happy for the two reality darlings and wish them nothing but the promise of a kickin’ ABC-sponsored wedding during sweeps.

2. Us Magazine
Thanks to reader Aneesa Anne who sent me this link. Clearly, the writers over at Us Magazine read my blog. I’m this close to being famous.

3. Tweet This
IHGB reader Sarah tweeted Our Host Chris Harrison after the recap last week and he responded to her tweet and then I tweeted and he responded to my tweet and a bunching of twittering ensued! I’m this close to my lifelong dream of Our Host posing with a Dr Pepper.

4. Winner of Andrea Montgomery Necklace
It was tough readers. Y’all are so freaking HILARIOUS! I was overwhelmed by my choices, but several folks mentioned one in particular. It is without further ado I congratulate AmberBamber for this gem:

June 17, 2011 at 2:07 pm
This is how the scene goes down in my head….

Ashley hastily strides down the hall to Bentley’s hotel room, adjusting her bangs all the while. She swears her footsteps chant “ohmygaw, ohmygaw, ohmygaw,” while her heart beats “Bent-ley. Bent-ley. Bent-ley.”

Writer’s note: currently suppressing the urge to vomit on keyboard.

Bentley obligatorily and slowly opens the door, with a slitty-eye’ed, drawn-out, “heeeeey, girl.”

Ashley’s hallway inner pep talk immediately vanishes like Bentley’s knack for human decency.

“Come in. Get cozy.” For a fleeting moment, Ashley’s deluded self thinks he’s come back to ask her to be his daughter’s new mommy-figure. Buzz. Try again.

Bentley sees the flash of hope on Ashley’s face and changes direction.

“On second thought, this won’t take long. Just stand in the hallway while I spoon-feed you b.s., and make love to the camera with my eyes. And hair. I have great hair, see? Ash, I’m a wild horse (read: jackass) and can’t be tamed, not even by ABC’s money, er, I mean not even by such a mediocre, er, passable, er, fair, no, FIT bachelorette such as yourself. I am revoking the ‘dot, dot, dot’ and replacing it with a period. (Laughs to himself that he just said ‘period.’) I think that fulfills my requirements to ABC in order to cash in on that sweet cheese I was promised.”

On second thought, he simply leaves a post-it on the outside of his door which reads: “Phuket, Ashley. I’m out.”

Nice job AmberBamber! Send me an email and I’ll put you in touch with Andrea. Thanks to everyone for playing along! I’ll have more giveaways and prizes in the coming weeks.

Okay. Enough stalling. Here’s the recap. Wish me luck and bless all your hearts for reading. Love you. Mean it.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who is obsessed with the Hunger Games trilogy and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

In keeping with the tradition and theme of this season, I’d like to begin this recap by talking about Bentley. ABC chooses to numb our brains by playing “The Best of Bentley” moments on what feels like a continuous 20-minute loop. Our resident d-bag fantasizes about Emily, brags about his stellar head of hair and insinuates the power he has over Ashley. Additionally, we are treated to a replay of the now infamous dot, dot, dot speech. Bentley leaves with a smirk and the equally infamous purple comforter makes its 19th appearance as Ashley wallows around in her unfortunate luck.

The dramatic debut of the dill hole was the coming attraction I was most looking forward to in the half hour segment. Sure, I’m irritated that ABC is exploiting Ashley’s raw, insecure nerves every chance they get, but I’m ready for some Bachelors to man up, grab and umbrella and river raft right out of Thailand when they find out that Bentley is back. GROBANS UNITE!

Of course, that was not the case.

Shame on ABC for making us think that Bentley would be returning to the wetlands of Thailand, only to learn during the final moments of last night’s episode that Ashley’s beloved will be joining us next week in Hong Kong. More on that later.

A first year graphic arts student from Phuket Junior College earned a little extra credit this summer by creating an elementary map of Thailand connecting a miniature plane via dotted lines from here to the historic city of Chiang Mai.

The boys are given complimentary aviator sunglasses to accompany their multi-colored v-neck t-shirts, khaki cargo shorts and flip flops for the plane ride. We soon discover that according to every person associated with the show, Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love.

Ames: “I’ve been to every city in Thailand. Trust me. Chiang Mai is the perfect place. They have thousands of monks walking around in saffron robes.”

Oh Ames. I gotta love you! I just looked up saffron to confirm that it is indeed a selection on the color wheel. Thank you for expanding my knowledge by not using a typical description, like gold or yellow, to describe the vibrancy of the monk’s robes. You are darling.

Our Host Chris Harrison stands firm in front of a pimped out fancy Chiang Mai hotel. He’s going for retro sheik in complimentary khaki pants and shirt. Any normal person would have been washed out in this monochromatic base, but Harrison’s fresh spray tan and sparkling blue eyes give him a confident glow only fully appreciated by the viewing audience and Ames.

In an adjacent elephant-adorned villa across the way, Ashley listlessly roams the quad. At first, I thought she was sad because Phuket Air lost her luggage and she was forced to wear one of Harrison’s button downs as a dress. Just as I was about to commend her for proactively packing those four-inch Steve Maddens in her carry-on and having the resourcefulness to construct a necklace made from plucked flowers, she launches in to scripted speech from her journal uttering complete nonsense about new beginnings formed from dark places.

We learn:
A. So many of my readers are going to be drunk this week because she’s still talking about Bentley.
B. She made a conscious decision to wear that shirt as a dress.

Back at the Thai mansion, Harrison drops the bomb that this week is the dreaded two-on-one where someone must leave FOREVER. He wants them to ponder the gravity of the situation before complimenting Ames on his blazer, handing the first date card to one of the Grobans and hitting the limo for a quick 24-hour trip to Bangkok.

Greek Groban announces that other Groban has been chosen for the coveted one-on-one where he and Ashley will “Fall In Love In Chiang Mai.” Groban wears a cherry red Polo that clashes tremendously with Ashley’s hot pink tank top and white bandeau she’s subbing for a skirt.

Ashley: “Groban has been building this relationship slow and steady. It’s been the opposite of Bentley. There is a mutual attraction that hasn’t been spoken. I don’t know if he’s ready like Bentley was ready. We’ll have to see if he can let someone in like I let Bentley in that afternoon.”

Ashley and the Groban hop in a tiny little cab so she can take him on the per-fact date …SHOPPING! They peruse a local Thai market searching for the perfect silk kimono, gnawing unidentified meat on a skewer and painting love birds (gag) and smiley faces on delicate paper umbrellas. The smiley face reminded me of Joey McIntire’s jean jacket in the “Hangin’ Tough” video and I found myself daydreaming about the New Kids on the Block concert I will be attending this weekend and wondered if I should try and locate a vintage t-shirt to wear to the Toyota Center.

Luckily, I snapped out of my trance just in time to witness and unwillingly participate in the most awkward display of sexual tension in the history of television. While sitting on an ancient bench in front of an ancient temple, Ashley tells the Groban that they are not allowed to kiss in this sacred place.

Ashley: “Don’t kiss me.”
Groban: “That’s going to be tough. May I raise you up?”
Ashley: “No! It’s not allowed. It’s banned. It’s…FORBIDDEN.”

The dynamic duo decides to participate in some weird sexual foreplay where you close your eyes and pretend to kiss. It was like sexting without the smart phone. Ashley makes some unattractive googly eyes and Groban does his best not to laugh and/or offend the saffron monks circling the perimeter of their revered dwelling.

Ashley: “I guarantee you if Bentley had been sitting there with me on that bench, he would have thrown caution to the holy wind and stuck his tongue down my throat. However, there is some extreme tension building between me and Groban, so there’s no telling what the night will bring.”

Alas, the night brought an unfortunate romper that somehow managed to combine the regrettable characteristics of paisley, straplessness and pedal pushers all into one belted mess. Bless her heart and fire the stylist. For the love of all things classic, please someone call Ames to come in and dress this girl.

Music from The Natural soundtrack swells, a tiny secret door is opened and Groban is blown away by the breathtaking view of flowers arranged in an intricate pattern adorned with candles. His linen billows in the breeze. She hoists her romper.

They make their way into the center of the flower arrangement for dinner. The Groban pours his heart out during a healthy soliloquy that includes his father’s passing, his emotional growing, the love for his family, his wine business and his desire to dote on his future wife.

As I pleasantly soak up the abnormal normalcy of this conversation, I can’t help but notice that Ashley looks as if she’s either bored or drunk.

Ashley: “My eyelids were super heavy from all that wine, so I just decided to let him talk while I smiled and nodded my head. I was hoping he would just shut up already and kiss me instead of all the babble about tearing down emotional walls to become a more mature person. I miss Bentley.”

The producers send in the fire spitting dancing girls to make sure Ashley doesn’t pass out at the table. Groban goes in for the kill and lands a sweet kiss that didn’t really hold a candle to the fake one they shared in Ashley’s mind earlier in the day. She leaves wishing Groban would raise up to more than he could be.

Group Date
“Love Is Worth Fighting For”
Greek Groban
Ames
Nick the Trainer
Blake the Dentist
Lucas the Texas
Ryan the Annoyer
JP
Oh Mickey

Upon reading the date card, Blake astutely assumes that they will probably not be asked to fight one another with their bare hands.

Fortunately for us, he was mistaken. The boys are taken to a Muay Thai boxing gym to experience the traditional culture of this great country.

Or perhaps ABC is looking to introduce a UFC spin-off in their fall lineup. Who knows? The point is that Ashley needs to see that these guys are men. She needs to see them throw punches, kick, get shirtless, sweat and laugh as little old Thai men sit on their backs as they do push-ups. The Bachelors are powering through a rigorous mental and physical routine of strength, stamina and sheer will to inflict pain on their enemy.

Then there’s Ames. Bless the sweet heart that resides under his perfectly chiseled chest. His own personal Mr. Miyagi instructs him to wax on as Ames waxes right off his feet after attempting a swift kick to the punching bag. Always smiling, he drags himself to the crowd of Bachelors who have picked through an array of kickboxing apparel representing every color of the rainbow. Ames is left with hot pink. Being a perfect gentleman, he congratulates Nick the Trainer for selecting the attire accentuated in saffron before embracing the old adage, “real men wear pink.”

After three hours of working and in some cases, falling, our Bachelors are oiled up and taken to a public open boxing arena in the middle of Chiang Mai Square where Thai folks gather to make fun of silly American shows that force their contestants to beat the crap out of each other in order to win the heart of the fair maiden dressed in a sports bra and matching yoga pants from Forever XXI.

First up is Blake and Lucas. The dentist took the Texan down pretty quickly. Next up was JP and Oh Mickey. JP admits that he’s the smallest guy in stature among the contestants and trusts that he will take his beating like a man. In our first “what?” moment of the season, we cheer the television as JP…the self-proclaimed ”Jew from Long Island” kicks Oh Mickey’s Irish keister.

A nervous murmur rumbles in the crowd as Ames is called to the ring. Making sure to air the sound bite in which Ames tells the camera that his take on physical violence is that there is always another way, ABC shoves the Pink One into the ring to stand toe-to-toe with annoying Ryan. His fellow Bachelors offer commentary.

Lucas: “I don’t know how he’s going to do it. Ames has been at Harvard and Yale while the rest of us were idiots fighting in the street.”

Oh Mickey: “He took some pretty violent shots to the head.”

And another classic from Lucas: “He had the hay maker up and we kept yelling for him to throw in. He just didn’t. And Ryan kept punching.”

The Ivy Leaguer has the silver spoon knocked right out of his mouth. The Upper East Side did not prepare him for this. The bell rings and Ames wanders into the arms of a folding chair at ringside, swatting birds circling his head.

Ashley: “Something’s not right with Ames. He looks odd. How do you say ‘medic’ in Thai?”
Lincee: “Sadly, Ames is the only one who would know that and he appears to be stroking out right now, so….”

No one is there to see Greek Groban’s arm raised in victory against Nick. Everyone is standing around the ambulance, wondering if Ames has permanent brain damage.

Ashley: “We need to ask him a questions! Ames, what color are the monk’s robes here in Thailand?”
Ames: “Saffron.”

Oh Mickey: “Denied. That’s a spice I use in this phenomenal chicken dish. Hey Ashley, I’d love to cook for you sometime. Perhaps on hometown dates we could…”
Ashley: “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT AMES IS DYING? WHERE IS BENTLEY WHEN I NEED HIM THE MOST?”
Ames: “I’m truly fine. I’m just not feeling myself right now. I’ll see you soon.”

Ames is whisked off in an ambulance where he and the ABC intern film shaky emergency room scenes with the nothing but a flip cam. The intern plans on entering it into an amateur film festival in the fall. It will be epic.

In other epic news, Ashley arrives at the after party wearing a fetching off-the-shoulder twist on the traditional kimono, side braided ponytail and full-on 80s makeup. I’m a little impressed that there is a store in this decade that sells such an interesting shade of turquoise eye shadow.

Annoying Ryan is quick to swoop Ashley up, careful to not snag her fingerless lace gloves, and takes her to a secluded place where he can pump her full of positive reinforcement with a side of passive aggressiveness.

Ryan: “What a day, huh? I can’t believe I almost killed Ames by using only my bare hands.”
Ashley: “OMG! You have a bruise on your eye! I can’t believe this aggressive, brutal kickboxing date turned out to be so aggressive and brutal. Do you think Bentley would have been hurt if he were here? I can imagine anyone breaking that beautiful face.”

Ashley is distracted by Ames’ dignified entrance into the party. Everyone slaps him on the back in true greeting (a sign that he is loved by all) and he tries not to throw up from the nausea caused by his obvious concussion. Gallantly pulling off a fine pair of white trousers and blue blazer, Ames nurses his mint julep as Ashley asks about his diagnosis.

Ames: “Well, they told me I’m totally in love and have a mild concussion.”
Ashley: “You scared the crap out of me.”

Ames: “I would love to continue this dialog, but I feel I’m totally useless in this conversation and have little encouragement that I will be able to charm you.”

Did you not just SWOON?! Ah! I just want to hug him and kiss him and find him a boyfriend already! GO AMES!

Later, Blake the dentist tells Ashley something he learned from the back of a fortune cookie.

Ashley: “Blake said something really interesting to me in our one-on-one time. He said that love is not a sprint, but a marathon. I get that he was trying to make me understand that he’s a slow mover when it comes to sticking his tongue down my throat, but what was more intriguing is how does this offer any insight to my non-existent relationship with Bentley?”

For some reason, she gives Blake the date rose.

Lucas certainly made a memorable appearance this week. After learning that he is a golfer, Ashley solicits an impromptu golf lesson with imaginary clubs as she nestles her buns right up against his business. The words “ball” and “cock” were used no less that two times a piece in the entire exchange with an end result of Lucas having to quickly sit down on the rattan furniture before this became the makings of a Lifetime After Dark movie.

Lucas: “So what’s your type?”
Ashley: “I don’t know.”

Lucas: “I think it’s Bentley.”
Ashley: “GET OUT OF MY HEAD MAN!”

Dreaded Two-On-One Date
Guide Me To Love
Flash Mob Ben C.
William

The Groban reads a mysterious second card:
“Two men, one rose…one stays, one goes.”

I guarantee someone was fired for signing Harrison’s name to that lame piece of poetry.

William compares the date to the Thunderdome and we all bust out with Tina Turner’s valiant anthem “WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER HERO!”

According to the signage, the trio travel to experience the life of an elephant yet are strangely placed on a river raft straight from the pages of a Huck Finn novel. Ashley talks about this being sooo per-fact as William whines about having to do all the river raft steering himself.

Interesting, because the rest of us watching at home spied a dude dressed in black steering said raft down the river. Look! There’s a van!

William openly admits to the camera that he’s the guy that can be funny, charming, but more importantly the biggest d*ck in the room. He proceeds to prove this fact by throwing Flash Mob Ben C. under the bus during his alone time with Ashley.

William: “I believe that Ben is ready to go home. He totally has an account on Match.com and is looking forward to the tail he’s sure to receive after his stint on the show.”

Ashley stands up, struts her stuff over to Ben C. and tells him she will be sending him home. Ben C. tries to woo her back with some stellar robot moves and a half-hearted running man, but she will have none of it. He steps on to the rejection raft. With his journey suddenly cut short for no apparent reason, you can see the hurt in his eyes.

Speaking of hurting eyes, Ashley’s ever-expanding array of ridiculous wardrobe choices continued with her dinner outfit. Remember the time when trashier stores in the seedier parts of town used to pair various animal prints with bright colors and no one but college girls who where looking for tasteless Halloween costumes ever thought about purchasing such nonsense? It’s disconcerting to think that Ashley actually rummaged through her dress up box, decided to pack and actually chose to wear her hot pink zebra print, off-the-shoulder mini dress that first made an appearance at the “Welcome to the Jungle” Sigma Chi kegger in 2004.

William continues to ride a wave of confidence, ecstatic that Ashley would trust him enough to take what he says as truth. Ashley puts in her contractually obligated 20-minute dinner before telling William that she is looking for a MAN, not a self-proclaimed boy, and that there is no spark left from their first date.

Ashley: “There’s no turning back. I’m going to walk you out. It’s time to go back to Neverland.”

Before asking the producers if she can mail the boutonnière to Bentley, she is forced to throw her date rose away in the fire.

William feels like a loser and admits that he is the world’s biggest jackass. All in agreement with that last statement along with the addition of Ryan and Bentley in that growing list, William says that all he wants to do is slide into bed and never wake up.

Just as the ABC intern finishes removing Williams shoe strings and belt in order to go fetch the purple comforter, the producers hand over a new contract.

William: “What has to thumbs and just landed a role on the Bachelor Pad? THIS GUY!”

Rose Ceremony
Ashley’s heart-shaped black strapless number is working hard to fight the effects of gravity. Raising her arm to hold the bright green umbrella is not helping. She whines to the guys that letting go of both William and Ben C. was super hard and she hopes that they will all be honest with her.

Naturally, annoying Ryan grabs her by the wrist, plops her down in a chair and competes with the distraction of some noisy tree frogs as he practically begs for a one-one-one date. Ashley looks disgusted by his neediness and tells him that their relationship is where it should be. She somehow manages to escape his clinginess to have a candid conversation with Greek Groban where she asks some pretty important questions that will determine where this amazing journey will lead.

Ashley: “Do you feel you are closer to guys than me?”
Greek Groban: “Naturally. Groban and I are tight.”

Not taking into consideration that these guys are with each other all the time, she pokes her lip out in a pout in search of someone who can make her feel like Bentley does.

Greek Groban: “I don’t know her as well as the other guys do. I don’t have enough of a gut feeling to stand up and say I’m ready to marry that girl. I don’t know if anyone can and really mean it. You have to make that decision. It’s a big deal for hometown dates.”

Oh Greek Groban. Who talked you in to coming on this show? Please, please take other Groban and Ames with you next week when you hopefully high tail it right out of Hong Kong when you find that Bentley is back. Now THAT would be the most dramatic rose ceremony of all time.

Ashley finds JP in hopes that he can turn her frown upside down.

Ash: “Can you see us in the future? In normal everyday life?”
JP: “I feel that’s how it is now. Here. In Thailand. Hanging out on an ancient stairway.”

Typically by this point, Ashley and JP would be near horizontal, but she continues to be distracted. Harrison is called in to land the plane and get to the bottom of why Ashley is slowly circling the drain.

Proving that even exasperation can look sexy, Harrison sits down with Ashley:

OHCH: “Sup?”
Ashley: “Hey Chris. Thanks for talking to me. I think I’m getting to a place where I’m finally feeling strongly about someone and I’m certain I want to move forward with him.”

OHCH (biting his lip): “Yeah?”
Ashley: “If I’m honest, I’ve been thinking a lot about something lately. I think the only way I can continue to move forward is by putting something else in the past or I could…”

OHCH (Thinking: college tuition for the kids, college tuition for the kids, college tuition for the kids): “So help me…use your words and say it. I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.”
Ashley: “You’re not going to like it, but I want to talk to Bentley.”

Harrison gives Ashley a disapproving, fatherly look. It’s as if he’s just learned his daughter is dancing on the pole at the Landing Strip on the weekends.

Ashley: “Look Chris. I had a rough week. Among the pouring rain, Ames’ near death experience and trying to find any redeeming qualities in the boring crop of Bachelors you guys stuck me with, I feel my heart really needs comforting. From Bentley. That’s a normal reaction.”
OHCH (counting to 10 before answering): “No. No it’s not.”

Ashley: “I feel it’s getting to the point where it’s not fair to the guys who are pining over me. In order for me to respect them, I need to not feel so guilty about loving Bentley.”
OHCH (pulling from his Texas roots): “You can’t ride two horses with one a$$.”

Ashley: “Something is telling me that there was something there…”
OHCH (Thinking: Design Challenge won’t last forever): “So what do you want me to do about it Crazy?”

Ashley: “I just need to ask him some simple questions. Does he like me? Are we on the second dot or third dot of the dot, dot, dot? Do I have to convert to Mormonism when I move to Salt Lake City?”

Harrison takes a few deep breaths, cracks his neck to the left and to the right and stares Ashley down with cold, stormy eyes.

OHCH (so done with this season): “As you wish. Oh I will make something happen. Trust me. I’ll need you to agree to some terms first. Here’s the line stating that ABC is not responsible for any emotional or mental damage that may come as a result of this ludicrous request. Sign here, here and here.”

Everyone gets a rose except Nick the Trainer.

Nick: “It’s really hard to leave Thailand. I don’t want to be standing here. I want to be in there where the alcohol flows freely. It hurts.”

I shall not miss the soul patch, but will remember the brief interaction with his abs.

Next week, Harrison brings Bentley to Hong Kong and it appears that some of our more manly Bachelors may choose to leave the game. HERE’S HOPING.

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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