Bachelor Recap: There’s a Tear in my Beer
Hello readers! Thanks for all the sweet emails, Facebook messages, tweets and comments on my AOL video posts. It’s been a fun learning experience and I appreciate both your patience and encouragement. I struggled with this morning’s video because last night was so B-O-R-I-N-G. I sort of went off on a few tangents. It doesn’t help that I wore my hair in a pony tail and look somewhat bald until I turn my head.
Again…I’ve only got one live take. I’m learning to be flexible and to laugh at myself! I’ll post a link as soon as it’s up.
Update: POST IS UP!
Now for some Bachelor housekeeping.
1. Our Host Chris Harrison expanded his ABC front man duties by single handedly uplifting the Miss America pageant to a level in the entertainment vicinity of what I like to call a “hot mess” this past Saturday. Working with Brooke Burke as she stalks the contestants back stage, being forced to sit through the talent section and pretend that the ventriloquist was not freaky takes extreme poise, grace and a huge sense of humor. I give him props. I’m sure he doesn’t mind as long as the check keeps coming in. I salute you Hare. I salute you.
2. Make sure to read my post from yesterday regarding the Bachelor Blood Drive I will be attending this weekend in Dallas. Sign up here if you plan on attending. Here’s hoping at least some of THESE guys are in attendance.
3. Thank you to a dozen or so IHGB readers who sent me the link that my very own Maksim Chmerkovskiy will be looking for love in a Ukrainian version of The Bachelor. Luckily, I have been to the Ukraine before (see here) and am well versed in all the regional customs and propensity for chugging alcohol. It’s a good thing I can hold my Vodka. Now all I need is to secure an airline ticket and figure out the perfect opening line for when I exit the limo. I’m thinking, “Real men where plunging v-neck shirts.” or “I’ve got your shimmy right here.” or “Hey. You’re hot.”
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you poked on Facebook happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nephew/former classmate of someone who often purchases the Chick-fil-A cow calendars and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
How boring was last night’s episode? I’m serious. If we didn’t have Michelle’s freak flag to fly, we’d either all be drowning our sorrows in half pint tubs of Bluebell ice cream for having to sit through undoubtedly THE most depressing season of The Bachelor in show history or we’d all be lining up to talk to Dr. Jaime about how our souls have been compromised with ABC’s blatant attack on Billboards #4 hit from 1995 “Kiss From a Rose.”
Fun fact: Gangsta’s Paradise was number one.
Even Our Host looked like he’d rather be anywhere but the sunken living room. He even wore the same electric blue shirt from last week. Powering through his “date rule” agenda, you could tell he was one bar short of phoning this one in.
Ladies: “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Chris.”
OHCH: “Yeah, yeah. There will be dates. Some get roses. Some don’t. Mind your time with Womack. It would be helpful if you tried to evoke some sort of emotion from the guy. You know the drill.”
He polishes off his bourbon on the rocks as he leaves the date card on the table.
One of the brunettes is first to snatch up the card. Ashley S. is excited to learn that she has been chosen to “find her love song” with Brad. In her most impressive drawl, she tells the camera that she’s going to make sure Brad kisses her tonight before she goes to update her Facebook status with the ground breaking news that she is about to wash her hair.
Ever puzzled by the confusing rules of reality show dating, Michelle is irate that she didn’t get the one-on-one date with Brad.
Michelle: “She’s updating Facebook? Really? Brad needs a strong, confident WOMAN. Everyone knows that Facebook is only good for stalking. These GIRLS are not right for him. I hate them all.”
Brad arrives at the mansion in his silver sports car and whisks Ashley S. away to the most famous recording studio in the entire world…Capitol Records. A quick Wikipedia search concludes that Seal is mysteriously NOT a member of the Capitol Records family. The Beastie Boys are.
I would have gladly donated all the change from the bottom of my purse and a slightly used gift card from Bath & Body Works if they had made our dynamic duo tackle the vocal stylings of “Brass Monkey.” Unfortunately, I was not there to voice this epic suggestion and the poor Capitol Records sound guy was tortured for at least three takes of Brad and Ashley “singing” the Batman Forever anthem of love.
There are no words to describe what my sweet, innocent ears were subjected to last night. I had to pause the DVR. Truly. I thought, “How am I going to properly convey to my audience what I’ve just witnessed?” I’m guessing it’s what a mongoose sounds like as she gives birth. Dogs were howling all through my neighborhood. Someone must stop the madness.
Why was it a cappella? How is it that the two people on earth least capable of keeping a beat were asked to do just that? Why did the Capitol Records guy insist they turn toward the microphone?
And let me just say that you can “un-hear” something. If I close my eyes and concentrate, the “singing” continues to reverberate inside my head.
I have a call in for an appointment with Dr. Jaime to help make the “singing” stop.
Fortunately, Brad and Ashley straight up admit to each other that they are both about to commit auditory assault on the viewing audience. We were warned. It would have been charming if ABC hadn’t insisted on playing five minutes of spine chilling footage of them “singing” over and over and over again. And it’s no surprise that Brad arranged for Seal to be in an adjacent studio recording the acoustic version of “the song that the Bachelor ruined for me forever” at that precise moment.
Well played Seal. Remind folks how the song is REALLY supposed to sound. Teach these young people all over America watching that you are MORE than Heidi Klum’s husband.
Brad leads Ashley up to the roof where she begins to break down in tears, thanking him for choosing “Kiss From A Rose” as their duet because it was the song she and her father used to sing before he died of a brain aneurysm. She knows that he orchestrated the whole thing and is looking down on them right now.
Brad looks up, cautiously moves toward the single date rose and offers the bud to Ashley before being struck down by lightning.
Ashley is thrilled. They hug. He asks for her hand to dance. She accepts. They twirl. Then they make out to a love song on Seal’s latest album which I’d be willing to bet drops in the next couple of weeks.
At first I thought that one of our bachelorettes had started a Jazzercise class on the patio out back because the majority of the girls were in some sort of workout wear for ladies who are not well endowed. (I rest my case with Alli’s lack of support from her sports bra.) Later, I realized that it was b-roll footage from this group date. After Michelle rambles on and on about how she doesn’t understand why she has to be on a date with 11 other women, an unmarked black ghetto van comes to take Lindsay, Shawntel, Alli, Britt, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley H, Lisa, Stacey (who?), Marissa and our resident crazy to a sound lot in a remote neighborhood of east Compton.
The girls scramble out of the van in their complimentary outfits sponsored by Speedo. Brad lays on the sexual innuendos by explaining to our group of ladies that he’s looking for a wife who is not afraid to get down or get dirty.
All of a sudden KABOOM!
Michelle takes cover by ducking behind one of the other no-named brunettes. Britt’s gymnastic training again comes in handy and she stands there with a nervous fake smile sprawled on her face. Sarah begins to cry and mascara runs down her face. Chantal is laughing because she is cool. And Kimberly checks to make sure the force of the explosion didn’t damage her peacock feather earrings that she swiped from the Rockette before she was kicked off the show last week.
Out of the blue, our Bachelor is attacked by 40 ninjas. He sort of hurls one over his shoulder. He punches one on the left, misses his face by a few feet but the guy miraculously goes down for the count anyway. A round house kick by a stunt double that was later edited to trick us into thinking it was really Brad sends three flying stage right. And the pièce de résistance…a sweet shovel attack that sent the remaining thugs to the ground by sheer intimidation alone since the blade wasn’t anywhere near the necks of said thugs.
Chantal thinks Brad is hot. Alli is worried about pit stains in her white sports bra with sleeves. Michelle wants to revive the ninjas so they can kidnap the girls and carry them out into the dessert to die. After a quick class of Tae Bo, the ladies are ready to film their action adventure flick.
Everyone has a different scenario. Clearly the most dramatic plot was Shawntel’s affinity for punching bad guys in the nads and saving our Bachelor. He’s been tied up to a pole and she must get him out before the building explodes. Of course, they have to make out against that pole before they run for the hills to safety.
The girls were green with envy that Shawntel had to make out with Brad for more than one take. I liked that he didn’t have a shirt on. FINALLY! We are almost an hour into this mess. It’s the least you could do ABC. Work with me.
Brad thinks that Shawntel worked the hardest today and he’s impressed. I think he likes the way her tongue feels jammed down his throat, but that is my opinion only. You can take it or leave it.
Surprise, surprise, Michelle is aggravated by her lack of make out sessions with Brad. To make herself feel better, she finds peace in the fact that her first kiss will not be scripted. It will be sexual. Sensual. And slippery.
Brad feels like they’ve earned a night on the town and takes them to the same rooftop wrap party that Jake took his leading ladies last season. To show that he is super spontaneous and full of fun, he jumps in the pool fully clothes.
COME ON ABC. GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK. SERIOUSLY? THERE’S A POOL. WHY IS HE FULLY CLOTHED?
The next scene shows Chantal taking him away to a private cabana. Thankfully, he is shirtless. I watch the entire scene, staring at his magnificent pectoral muscles before I notice that Chantal is crying. Irritated that my favorite girl is turning on the water works, I have to rewind back to the beginning because I have been distracted by Brad’s chest and have no idea what is going on.
Chantal: “I don’t want to put pressure on you, but right when I start to feel special, other girls start talking and they have the same feelings I do. It’s not faiiiiirrrrrrrrr.”
Brad: “Don’t cry.”
Chantal: “I don’t do stuff like this.”
Brad: “I don’t either. Except when I did before, but that was seasons ago. This is today.”
Chantal then tells Brad that she recently tried to reconnect with her estranged father only to learn that he had passed away. For the second time this season, Brad offers his beautiful shoulder for the girl to cry on.
Chantal: “I’m the tough girl in the house. I’m not used to crying.”
Brad: “I like this soft side. I like your puffy face and snotty nose. I wish I had a tissue right now because I’m pretty sure you just wiped some serious mucus on my shoulder blade, but that’s okay because we definitely have chemistry.”
They make out.
Back at the mansion, a scantily clad Ashley S. runs to the door where the date card pedestal reveals that “love is intoxicating” when it comes to all things Emily. She hands the card to the single Mom after the ABC psychotherapist has gathered all the remaining ladies in the house for a sharing circle.
It is then that Emily shares her story with the group. I have to admit, I was tearing up a little bit when she kept talking about how she had the flu and then later revealed that she was pregnant and her daughter was the light of her life. Everyone was a mess. Even the vampire cried and she’s supposedly dead on the inside.
A quick cut back to the rooftop party reveals chicken fights, Brad shirtless, boobs galore and string bikinis. Did I mention Brad was shirtless? Alli steals Brad away to talk about football, but I’m quickly distracted (as is Brad) when Michelle saunters into the cabana and just sits there…watching…waiting. Brad excuses himself and is drug to a secluded area by Crazy.
Brad notices a dangling “B” attached to Michelle’s bracelet. He asks, “What’s that for?”
All of the voices in Michelle’s head fight for an answer.
Personality 1: “Don’t say anything!”
Personality 2: “He’ll love that you are wearing a B-Stands-For-Brad bracelet!”
Personality 3: “Tell him the truth!”
Personality 4: “Cut him. Cut him now.”
Personality 5: “Here’s a compromise…tell him B is for Brad, but leave the part out that you whittled it from a bar of soap you stole from his shower during the last rose ceremony.”
Brad: “I know. It’s for your daughter isn’t it. You must miss her terribly.”
Michelle: “Yes…that does make sense, doesn’t it?”
Michelle plays the sad single Mom card well and whips up a few tears for good measure. Then she leans in for her kiss and Brad obliges.
There were no fireworks. They must have been edited out. He did wipe his mouth off afterward which is a sure fire sign that a slippery kiss was exchanged.
I believe Chantal said it best when she said: “It’s best to just sit back and let Michelle self destruct.”
Brad gives his date rose to his action adventure make out partner Shawntel. I did notice that when she went in for a kiss after accepting, he sort of turned his head away. I thought it might be a party foul…he went in for the hug as she was going in for the kiss…but it happened again moments later. It was forced. He’s not in to her as much as she is in to him.
Michelle, of course, was livid that she didn’t get the coveted date rose.
“I’m pissed. I didn’t get the rose. These girls act like they are 19 (Lincee interjection: aren’t they?) It doesn’t matter…it will soon be just me and Brad. In Tahiti. Practicing making babies.”
Second One-On-One Date
Brad has been looking forward to taking Emily out for a long time. He tells her she looks beautiful in her Bedazzled silver romper.
Let’s face it. If anyone can pull off a Bedazzled silver romper, it’s Emily. It’s like Meghan said, “Emily is an itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa. You can’t hate her.”
The silver sports car roars onto a runway where a puddle jumper plane, complete with red carpet, awaits the loving couple.
ABC producers. They saw the line. They crossed the line. They don’t care about the consequences. What a bunch of douches.
Emily, of course, is visibly nervous to get on the plane. However, she proceeds with grace and charm telling that camera that she didn’t want to think she was ungrateful or not excited about the date.
We muddle through an awkward, painful vineyard scene with Brad specifically asking the questions the producers fed him moments before arriving. “Tell me about yourself.” Emily mumbles a generic answer. “What’s your best date ever?” Emily talks about being with your best friend and then lobs the question back to him after telling him she’s only had one real relationship. “You’ve never had a serious boyfriend?” Emily freezes.
Captain Obvious tells the camera that Emily is not necessarily not answering questions…she more deflecting them. So he takes her to a romantic dinner date in a barn where stable straw lies extremely close to hundreds of burning candles.
Get your head in the game ABC intern. Look alive man.
Emily admits that she had numerous opportunities to talk to Brad about her situation. She’s decided that she wants to share and we hear the entire story all over again. And we cry again when she confesses that she wished she had been on the plane too.
Brad is stunned. Before he can respond she talks about how she found out she was pregnant and we all cry again.
I think Brad handled this news beautifully. Instead of basking in the pain, he steers the conversation towards her daughter and a huge weight is visibly lifted off Emily.
Brad: “I like you a lot. It means the world to me that you told me everything you did. Will you please accept…”
Emily: “Give me that rose! Yes!”
The compliment each other’s awesomeness and then share a few sweet kisses.
Getting Real with Dr. Jaime
For the next 15 minutes, we are allowed to be a part of a therapy session with Brad. He has ditched Dr. Eugene Feldman from Austin, and invited Dr. Jaime into his mansion to talk about life, love and other mysteries which begs the question…
Where in the world is Harrison? Come on people. Harrison was BORN to play this role. It’s what he does so well. Why won’t ABC allow Harrison to just be Harrison? Instead, we get a bunch of mumbo jumbo talk about being vulnerable, opening hearts and creating an energy that causes the women to feel and be comfortable around him.
News flash Dr. Jaime: These girls don’t have any problem opening up. Especially Michelle.
Bah dum bum. [cymbal]
Dr. Jaime’s biggest piece of advice for our Bachelor was to relax and be playful. That’s like telling Harrison to be tone down the cool factor. Or asking Michelle to calm down. It’s not going to happen doc.
All the girls immediately notice a change in Brad. He’s such a good listener and a good comforter. No one knows any more than what we learned from him in his first season, but that’s okay.
He corners Chantal, thanks her for sharing so much the other night, apologizes for not sharing in return and then forgets to share anything at that moment. Chantal finds this charming. Just as she’s about to dive into divorce talk, Michelle comes in and steals Brad away.
Michelle: “You and I are in a fight.”
Brad: “You have a pin poked in a doll version of me to give me a headache, don’t you?”
Michelle: “I shared my first kiss with you the other day. I even took the time to make it extra slippery. And then I found out you had kissed Chantal and Shawntel…explain yourself.”
Brad: “Once upon a time I was on this show called The Bachelor. I was rigid and didn’t get lucky once. This go around, I’m going to seize every opportunity. When I have the chance to kiss a beautiful woman, I’m going to take it.”
Michelle takes the pin out of the doll head. Brad is pulled aside, given an index card and then reads in a robotic monotone voice that “he likes Michelle’s sarcastic humor and she can steal him away any time of the week.”
Brad is told that Madison has requested a private audience and he’s quick to apply some Chapstick before making out with the Vampire girl.
Madison: “I want to meet someone and fall in love. I came here with my walls up. It’s always easier to show my fun side verses my real side.”
Brad: “No joke. I love your fun side. I’m so sick of having to listen to all these girls talk about love and feelings. I just want to be my normal stoic self and cross off ‘make out with a girl with fangs’ on my bucket list. Let’s get to it.”
Madison takes out her fangs and puts them on the table.
Brad: “Awwww man! What did you do that for?”
Madison: “Talking to Emily made this experience very real. Some girls want to be here. Some girls need to be here. Anything I do to get a rose will take away from them.”
Brad: “Are you about to leave?”
Madison: “It’s weighing heavily on my mind.”
Brad: “Wow. You talk like a grown up. Listen. Give me another chance. If you don’t want the rose, then don’t accept it at the rose ceremony. Deal?”
Madison agrees. Flummoxed, Brad is off to find Dr. Jaime . Didn’t he say that if he opened his heart, girls would be kicking and screaming and pinching each other to wiggle in and set up a nice little apartment with a view on the inside? This is preposterous!
Instead of Dr. Jaime, Brad runs into Ashley H. He’s excited because they are so similar and she makes him feel good.
Ashley: “If you are on the fence about me, I think I would rather go home now.”
Brad: “WHAT IS UP WITH YOU PEOPLE?”
Ashley: “I’m serious Bradley.”
Brad: “Don’t say that. We have to give it an honest shot. I can’t fail again. You are in my top three. Do you understand? Are you okay? I want to know that you are okay.”
Brad is distraught that Ashley is pulling away. He walks away feeling empty. He knows that Ashley is feeling insecure and there’s only one thing he can do to reassure her that he’s willing to give them a shot.
He passionately kisses her in front of the fire. She was not expecting it. And I thought that was the most vulnerable Brad has been all season. This girl is going to go far.
Our Host walks in, clinks his glass and then retires to the editing room. There is no witty banter. There is no chit chat with our Bachelor. The spark has left his eyes. The skip has left his step. The debonair is still there but he’s struggling to look remotely invested folks.
Emily, Shawntel and Ashley S. all stand to the side with their date roses. The next two are handed to Michelle and Chantal.
Then the music changes to an eerie graveyard score as Madison descends the steps and walks out of the door. Brad follows her. Cameras scramble. It’s very Blair Witch.
Madison: “I would have a hard time taking a rose from one of these girls. I wouldn’t feel right about it.”
Brad: “That is sad, because I wanted to get to know you better. Are you a vegetarian? Can you fly at night? Do you sparkle in the sunshine? You are removing yourself before I have this chance to answer these questions. We didn’t’ even try. If you didn’t feel it (Lincee interjection: BINGO) and you are walking away, I commend you for it. I’m missing out on a hell of a girl.”
Madison leaves. Brad schedules an appointment with Dr. Jaime. The ceremony continues.
Additional roses go to:
Kimberly and her peacock earrings are glad to be rid of Brad. She has no regrets. She’s talented, smart, successful and will be dating someone in five seconds.
It’s good to have goals Kimberly.
Sara, on the other hand, had a fit of the angry cries in her final interview package complete with running mascara, snot rags and a few drunken hiccups. Bless her heart.
Next week, we are treated to another therapy session….this time with Dr. Drew of Love Line! And someone…or some thing…punches Michelle in the face. Who did it? Who will she get her revenge on? Who cares!?!
All about the shame, not the fame,