Bachelor Recap: What…no Xanadu?

At first I was concerned I had accidentally flipped the channel to another show when the opening scenes from The Bachelor didn’t feature Sean finishing up his morning workout. Never fear — even though we missed b-roll footage of chest and back day, we were invited into Sean’s closet to watch him stand in his boxer briefs trying to figure out which v-neck and cargo shorts to wear. This decision must be a pretty involved process since the camera had enough time to record from three different angles.

Nope, this show isn’t scripted at all.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people

Our Host Harrison and his lucky back pocket arrive to deliver the date card to the ladies. Purple proves to be yet another stellar choice as the eggplant Henley makes his eyes pop and his spray tan glisten. He warns the ladies that some will not receive a date with our shirtless bachelor and encourages them to make the most of their time before he heads over to the vintage trailer park to share a whiskey sour with Roberto and a pink plastic flamingo.

AshLee plasters a smile on her face as she reveals that Selma is the lucky girl who gets to “turn up the heat” on the first one-on-one date. Selma skips upstairs to change into a different tank top and yoga pants, excited that Sean will finally get to see the real Selma.

Selma: “I’m so excited to go on this date! Hopefully we can take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level after that! And then we’ll have babies!”

Inside the limo, Selma tries to seduce Sean into revealing where they are going and why she was forced to wear the same attire as the Miss Texas contestants during the “fitness” round of the competition? Sean remains unbroken.

Selma: “I hope it’s not dancing. I can’t dance to save my life.”
Sean: “It’s not dancing. Or jazzercise. But you can handle it.”
Selma: “Can you handle all 110 pounds of this?”

Come one Selma. There’s no need to announce your fake weight on television. I know the feel of Spandex irritates your mocha skin, but please act like a lady. YOUR MOTHER IS WATCHING.

They arrive at the airport where a red carpet leads up to the stairway of a private jet. Still confused by the wardrobe mandate as compared to her glamorous surroundings, Selma embraces the sports bra’s ability to fabulously display her boobage while enjoying the freedom of not having to worry about a mini skirt revealing her lady business to the camera. Steadfast in her seat belt, Selma manages to lounge across the aisle so that her left elbow is strategically in Sean’s crotch. He holds her other hand but remains horizontal in his own chair.

Before they land in the desert, Selma shares that she does not do well in heat. At all. Even though she’s from Baghdad, the idea of climbing a rock to see a great view instead of being deposited at the top of the mini mountain via helicopter is disappointing. But Sean likes a nice, healthy, outdoorsy girl and this is a big test to see if she can fit that mold.

Sean: “What kind of shoe do you normally wear?”
Selma: “Six-inch heels.”
Sean: “I can always strap you to my back and carry you up there.”
Lincee: “Fezzik style? Awesome. Sign me up.”

A few superfluous shots of a vulture, lizard, dragonfly, chipmunk and another vulture, Selma is taking the side of the cliff by storm as Sean watches her from below shimmy her tiny feet into the smallest of nooks and crannies. She makes it to the top and commends Sean for giving her the encouragement she needed to conquer her fears.

Fear of getting dirty? Fear of breaking a nail? Fear of becoming more dehydrated, and then added bonus fear of becoming more puffy?

Sean takes her from being “on top of the world” to the same retro trailer park where Blakeley and What’s His Face kissed for the first time. Sean crosses his fingers that he will be so lucky to make out with Selma on the outdoor lounge chair with nothing but the glow of the ABC Intern’s iPhone as he updates Facebook.

Is it just me or does Selma like to be horizontal all the time?

Selma gives all the signs that she’s ready to be kissed and just before Sean goes in for the kill, she tells him that she can’t kiss him even though she really, really, really wants to, claiming her mother would have a heart attack if their lips met. Talking about babies? Totally fine. Touching his peen with her elbow on the plane? No problem. Wrapped up in a blanket, bodies intertwined as sweet nothings pass between ear to ear, promising spontaneous combustion in the not-too-distant future? Completely acceptable.

BUT NO KISSING.

Sean settles for a hug after he gives her the date rose.

Group Date
Lindsay
Robyn
Jackie
Catherine
Amanda
AshLee
Sarah
Tierra

Tierra is “fustrated” that she has to “chaperone” so many group dates and the girls nickname her Tierrable. I thought Sean’s white hoodie was equally tierrable, but memories of what lies underneath flashed through my mind and all was forgiven.

It’s roller derby time! Time to get your whip on! Some lovely ladies are about to teach you the basic fundamentals of the derby and then you get to compete against each other in skimpy hot pink panties and tanks as strangers watch you in a bout. Who’s pumped?

Amanda lies and says she’s totally derby’d before. AshLee admits to being terrified because the entire ordeal seems a bit disorganized for her. Sarah is nervous because she already has balance issues. Couple all of that with the fact that the bachelorettes are busting it left and right and you have a recipe for disaster. They looked like Babmi trying to walk on ice. There was so little skating going on that ABC was forced to show a montage of all our contestants biting it in various ways. On their rears. On their knees. Grabbing each other for support, only to have the entire line come tumbling down.

Sean takes some time to encourage Sarah that if she doesn’t want to skate, she doesn’t have to go out there. She wants to conquer this challenge and thanks him for caring enough to give her the out. It was a sweet little moment.

At this point, the only one having any sort of forward momentum is Amanda and even she ends up wiping the floor with her entire face. Quick! Grab the star-spangled ice pack to stop the swelling!

Our professional medics arrive, hoping that the victim is not the chick who ended up in a neck brace last week, and warns Amanda that her jaw could very well be broken. I was proud of her for not crying in front of the others and was happy to see that the ABC Intern is respected enough to be trusted with driving Amanda to the hospital in the company minivan. Or maybe he was already on his way to the liquor store to gear up for the roof party later and LA General is right there. Two birds. One stone.

Sean is concerned that he is slowly becoming labeled as the bachelor who sends someone away in an ambulance every week, so he canceled the derby competition. I prayed that there would be a script change and the producers were managing the necessary details to make the switch to Plan B: a re-enactment of Xanadu. Perhaps Starlight Express? Alas, Sean channeled his inner eighth grader and asked the deejay to play a little light rock as they “all skated” to Journey in the safe, middle part of the rink that doesn’t incline. The best part about this date was the smooth vocal stylings of Steve Perry.

Back on the roof, he steals Sarah away and Tierrable is left with Robyn, AshLee and Jackie. Tierrable yells at Robyn for acting like she was invisible and then calls the group immature before storming away in her shorty shorts.

Meanwhile, Amanda is back from the hospital. The bruises have yet to set in, but Sean claims to spy a bump on her chin that he immediately kisses to make her feel better. Amanda admits that she is going to milk the heck out of this moment, lamenting that she wished she had told him she lost her tonsils too. Then she made out with no one in front of the camera. Ironically, there was a lot of tongue action.

Tierrable is on the move, demanding to talk to someone about “getting out of here.” She is pointed in the general direction of where Lindsay’s tongue is currently down Sean’s throat. As she waits for them in a crouching tiger hidden Tierra stance (y’all get what I’m talking about right? What was that?) we learn that she is sick of being tortured every day and will no longer be subjected to such “fakeness” from these women. It’s totally fustrating, y’all. She intercepts Sean before he got busy with Lindsay in a hot tub, scrounges up a few fake tears and divulges to her man that what she’s been going through is sheer torture. PS: She doesn’t like drama. Girls have always been jealous of her. And she’s been told she’s too sensitive.

Blinded by all of the red flags, Sean decided to give her a rose so that she would be forced to stick around. Then they make out in a weird, dark corner in the shadows, as Amanda broods upstairs, irritated that she broke her own jaw for nothing.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Leslie H.
Could This Be Forever?

Traditionally, the girl who gets the Pretty Woman date is going home. The same held true for poor Leslie. Even though she scored some diamond earrings, a new dress, a 120-carat necklace sponsored by Neil Lane’s chest hair, tickets to the opera and a new tie for Edward, Sean still didn’t feel that connection.

My entire watching party began stress eating because we knew what was coming. Poor Leslie. After learning that she dated the boy-next-door for seven years and Sean answers “sometimes things are good on paper but the feelings aren’t there” I ate an entire bowl of M&Ms due to that bit of foreshadowing. GET ON WITH IT DUDE! PUT US ALL OUT OF OUR MISERY!

Sean finally begins his let down speech by picking up the date rose. What?

Sean: “I’m glad to hear you open up,” he said has he waves the flower under her nose.
Leslie: “Thanks.”

Sean: “I think it’s great that you only want to get married once,” gesturing with the bud to her naked ring finger.
Leslie: “That rose is pretty.”

Sean: “But I can’t give you this rose. This rose right here. It’s not yours. Oh, and I’ll need that necklace back because it’s not yours either.”

He walks her to the waiting limo, removes the loaner jewels from around her neck and sends her back to Hollywood Boulevard to turn tricks for a man driving a Lotus Espirit. Two random dudes serenaded him as he returned to the balcony holding the lone rose that represented love lost. This is the moment he decided to pull a Mesnick before ceremoniously dropping the bud on the floor below. The ABC Intern then sprinkled delayed rose petals for that extra dramatic touch. The randos were still singing. It was beautiful. Beautifully tragic. Equally cheesy.

ROSE CEREMONY

Sarah: “You can definitely sense that there are fewer girls in the room tonight.”
Lincee: “I too sense that. Plus I counted. And I know that Leslie was kicked off, so…”

Tierrable: “Leslie went home and that’s a good thing. I came here to win. And in order to be the only one standing at the end, there have to be less girls.”
Lincee: “A. Fewer girls. B. I weep for the future of our nation.”

Robyn: “Do you like the taste of chocolate?”
Lincee: “Yes. I’ve had the other half of the bag of M&Ms anticipating this moment. Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.”

Robyn pulls out a warm Hershey bar she’s been carrying in her cleavage for days waiting for just the right moment. She peels back the tattered foil, wafts it in front of his face and asks:

Robyn: “Which chocolate do you want to taste?”

Sean chooses to taste Chocolate Robyn instead of Chocolate Hershey I’m told. I was safely hidden behind my laptop screen begging for the moment to end.

Tierrable decides it’s time to fake mend some fences. She offers a weak apology to Chocolate Robyn and Random Jackie, saying she was sorry that they attacked her. Nice. Basking in her chocolate make out pheromones, Robyn accepts, Jackie does too and Tierrable rushes off to tell Sean that she wants to focus on just the two of them and forget about all the drama that is centered around her awesomeness.

Meanwhile Catherine, who is usually flying wisely under the radar, gives Sean a kiss-sealed envelope that she draws from her thigh-high panty hose. Sean grins, begging to receive any confirmation that she hasn’t put him in the friend zone. A flirty giggle and an invitation to walk the grounds gives him the green light and they walk hand and hand to the driveway. They embrace in a hug, and Sean instructs Catherine to “look up whenever she wants” so he can properly kiss her.

My entire watching party sighed. We probably would have stood up if we hadn’t eaten our weight in popcorn.

Harrison tings his champagne flute and Sean is forced to send one unlucky girl home. Roses go to:

Tierrable
Selma
Catherine
Lindsay
Lesley
Chocolate Robyn
AshLee
Des
Sarah
Jackie (huh?)
Daniella (What?)

Amanda is left roseless. My friend Lara called it. She’s a partner at a law firm, so there must have been some incriminating evidence that led her to believe that Amanda would be returning home for some serious dental work that more than likely includes a wired jaw. Of course, Lara may have sensed it too. I’m not sure.

Next week, we’ll have to suffer through FOUR HOURS of this show. We’ll have our regularly scheduled program on Monday night and then an additional two hour train wreck on Tuesday. Lord help us all!

Plus, it appears that Tierrable is being chased by a polar bear and ends up frozen in the tundra. I think there’s another appearance by the medic in the ambulance! Will the madness ever end?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

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