Bachelor Sean, Episode 6: Ice Ice Baby
I feel like it was just yesterday that I was complaining about how ABC no longer shows gratuitous shirtless scenes of Sean working out and now they have him covered in awful sweaters — that must be the losing end of a bet. You’d think if the wardrobe department was going full-on Canadian stereotype, they’d make him wear a Maple Leaf jersey or a Robin Sparkles graffiti coat instead of that monstrosity. I guess that’s what real mountain men who love the outdoors as much as Sean does wear. Who cares that it’s zero degrees outside. Bear Grylls has nothing on Sean. This is Bachelor vs. Wild and these ladies will stop at nothing to conquer nature.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin our Canadian journey to find love with Harrison in a pique coat. Nice. He explains that there will be two one-on-one dates, a group date and all will take place in Banff National Park. The ladies scramble into their suite, squeal about their view and settle in to hear Lindsay read Catherine’s name on the first date card.
Team Bachelor makes her stand out in the middle of nowhere and just as the blizzard conditions begin to contribute to muscle mis-coordination, Sean arrives in a massive snow bus. A snow bus that he was driving. Call me crazy, but I found this extremely attractive. So did Cathy. She didn’t care that he made her put on a red onesie so they could go play on a glacier during whiteout conditions. It made no difference that small beads of jagged ice kept pelting her raw face. She would stop at nothing to make snow angels and do front flips on the rock hard earth. Succumbing to wind burn is for quitters!
Catherine passes the blizzard test and is rewarded with dinner in a literal ice castle. I hoped that Robby Benson would make an appearance and help Lexie skate around the budding love birds as they snuggled under thermal blankets. No such luck. Catherine shares a sad story about how she witnessed a young girl tragically die at summer camp when she was 12-years-old. She tells Sean that she now lives life to the fullest because you never know when it can be taken from you. Touched, Sean begins to heat things up in the ice house. Catherine may never feel her fingers again, but she just might find love. Sean chisels the rose out of a block of ice and asks her to accept. Through chattering teeth, she does.
Let me just say that the person who decided to put Selma back in a canoe has a wicked sense of humor. Fortunately, she’s dependent on two other people and her craft thankfully makes the journey across Lake Louise. The added man power gives her the freedom to toss shallow threats in the general direction of Sean and Lesley’s boat.
Selma: “I want a big shark to come out and eat her boat. I want to tip it over. Has anyone seen my Little Edie head band?”
The girls make it across the lake without any marine life confrontations. All feel they deserve a round of hot chocolate, roasted s’mores and alone time snuggling under bear skin rugs with the bachelor. Instead of being pampered, Sean encourages them to strip down to their string bikinis and jump into the frigid cold lake so they can all be members of the Polar Bear Club. Come on! It will be fun!
Princess Selma refuses to put her life at risk and generously reapplies a coat of Chapstick to her non-kissable lips. Lesley believes hypothermia is totally worth a rose, Lindsay braids her bangs and AshLee tries to organize her emotions to portray anything but sheer terror. Six of the seven go in. One of the six is rushed to the hospital. Any guesses?
That’s right! Tierra’s turning several shades of blue! The situation has turned serious. We know this because ABC is now full-blown Blair Witch filming. Tin foil blankets are ripped from the shaking clutches of the other girls, Wendy the medic is barking orders left and right and Kasey the lifeguard is in shock since he’s just a kid from Banff JuCo who hasn’t technically logged enough saving hours to merit lifeguard status, eh?.
She’s given a wheelchair, a cup of Starbucks, a quick once over with a Chi hair dryer, a burger from the grill and oxygen to be on the safe side. Sean visits her room, convinced that she should just stay put and rest. There’s no need to attend a party when you’re in grave danger of half your toes falling off. But Tierra will not miss out. She will come back from near death and wreak havoc on anyone in her path. She’s a lone wolf in the wild and can’t be tamed. [Cue wolf howl playback.]
Lesley tells Sean that she’s developing feelings for him. Sarah shares pictures of her family that were all oddly printed in black and white. AshLee wonders if she should tell Sean how manipulative Tierra is being. Lindsay’s strategy is an epic game of tonsil hockey. And all believe Tierra is faking her hypothermia to score extra time with Sean and additional room service.
Sean ends up giving the rose to Lesley. He heads back to his room, but soon realizes that he needs to come clean with one of the women. He barges back into the room where all of the girls are sharing scarf tying secrets and asks to speak to Sarah alone. He leads her to a couch, gently tells her that it was easy at the beginning, but now it seems forced and he thinks the best thing for everyone is to send her home before the embarrassment of a rose ceremony rejection. The situation is grave. We know this because they go all Blair Witch again and we hear Sarah’s quiet sobs as Sean tries to console her.
The producers shove her back into the original room where the other contestants are lamenting over the fact that statement necklaces are forever covered by all these layers. Sarah looks forlorn, explains that she’s going home and everyone in the room wonders who died?
Sarah: “No, no. He’s sending me home. He’s not feeling it.”
Could they not get the girl a Kleenex? Must she wipe her snotty nose with a cocktail napkin? These girls cry NON-STOP. Does no one now have a tissue on this entire staff?
Sarah leaves with as much grace and dignity as possible. She has the most natural, raw goodbye of any reject in recent memory. Sean is sad, and the rest of the girls are fully aware that this guy doesn’t play by the rules. They could be sent packing at any moment.
Sean promises Des a picnic, but first, she must prove her love, conquer her fears and convince him that he’s worth repelling down a mountain. Or at least the sushi waiting on the picnic blanket is worth all of that. Des is hungry! She says the phrase, “it’s steep” no less than 57 times. They pause twice for a quickie make-out session and I confuse her for Joey Potter the entire time. She would have totally rocked that canoe date on the creek. I’m just saying. After consuming a few California rolls, Des challenges Sean to a tree climbing contest. He loves it. I was equally impressed. Joey Potter could totally hang if ever reaped to join the Hunger Games.
Later, Sean arrives in the worst sweater in the history of bad sweaters. Harrison must intervene next week with appropriate outerwear from his own line. It’s time Harrison. It’s time.
They head to a teepee for some fire water. Des mentions that she once lived in a tent and this stalls the conversation a bit. Yep. She lived in a tent. And it’s okay. There was love in her family and she wouldn’t change a thing. Sean is smitten. The ABC intern sets up a back light and the crew stands out in the cold to get the money shot of Sean and Joey’s silhouette kissing.
I’m told the skinny tie is coming back. Perhaps it’s because Sean’s neck is so massive that it looked comical on him. Again. Harrison must intervene.
Sean finds some alone time with Selma. She reminds him, again, that she’s not supposed to kiss him. However, she wants him to hold very still while she tries something.
You know she totally janked this move off of Twlight. However, instead of a seductive, heated moment, she pressed her lips to his in the most non-romantic way ever. Sean is frozen because he does not want the wrath of 1,000 Muslim Mamas on his conscious. She pulls back and he thanks her. Kiss of death Selma. Kiss of death. And put your boobs back in your dress.
Lindsay completely kills her seductive “non-kiss” moment. It’s flirty, fun and full of come hither looks and baby talk. By the end, she’s literally begging him to kiss her. We learn that she sleeps naked and he has been known to pee in a desk drawer. These kids could go far ladies and gentlemen.
AshLee provided the most uncomfortable moment of the evening. It makes my throat thick just to type this out. She reminds him that it’s very hard for her to give up control, but she’s willing with him. She hands him a gift. It’s a blindfold. Sean tries to think back, wondering if AshLee was the 50 Shades of Drunk girl, but he’s confident he got rid of her the first night.
She instructs him to blindfold her and then lead her around the rose ceremony room. This is proof that she trusts his leadership. She pretends to trip on her heels, so he picks her up and carries her to a random velvet couch. She begins to cry. I begin to rock back and forth, trying to make it stop. She’s like a weird, emotional version of the dude who wore the Hamburglar mask that season.
Sean takes it all in stride, but I have to say that he looked a little concerned by her diving head first into the pool of emotional commitment after only three dates. AshLee may have blemished her shiny record with this antic. Although I think she’s genuine, I’m quite confident her heart is going to be broken by the time this is over.
It’s rose ceremony time. Everyone watching knows that Daniella is going home. Along with Catherine, Lesley and Des, Lindsay and AshLee receive roses.
Then Harrison walks up to tell us this is the last rose. WAIT. WHAT? There are THREE women left and ONE rose?
My watching party mates Emily and Lara jump up and demand that I pause the TV. I found this both hysterically funny and a little odd that they had the same visceral reaction.
Lara: “PAUSE IT!”
Em: “WHAT IS GOING ON?”
Lara: “I NEED A SECOND TO PROCESS!”
I frantically press pause and we all take inventory. Daniella (duh), Tierra and Selma are left standing. Could it be that Tierra is going home? Would Sean actually send the villain home in episode six? Could we be that fortunate?
No. Her boobs are too perky. He’d never do that. It’s Daniella and Selma who are sent packing and crying in their limos. Ten bucks says Selma shows up on The Pad since she’s disgraced her Mom, country and religion. That has Fleiss written all over it.
Sean toasts the remaining six women and shares that things will begin to heat up a bit. Dig out those statement necklaces and bikinis, because the show is going to St. Croix in the US Virgin Islands!
What did y’all think? Was Tierra faking it? Do you enjoy her as the villain or are you over it? Is Lindsay the dark horse? Sound off in the comment section!
All about the fame, not the shame,