Bachelor Sean Recap: Silly Games
Within moments of the opening montage, we follow Sean randomly walking around various settings in Thailand as he ticks through the list of remaining bachelorettes. Standing on the bow of a boat, we are reminded that Catherine is weird and goofy, but in a good way. When wandering the streets in an ice blue tank top and his infamous red shorts, Sean comments on AshLee’s huge, compassionate heart. And while rocking back and forth lazily in a hammock, Sean admits that Lindsay has grown in terms of her maturity over the past several weeks, even though her voice still sounds like an adolescent girl.
Sean realizes that since we’re coming into the home stretch, it’s time to see what these girls are made of. And the best way to do that is by testing their willingness to be adventurous in spirit, as well as their unwillingness to get busy in the fantasy suite. Sean wants his wife to be his best friend, outgoing and to ultimately trust him with her life. But before anything else, he wants that wife to be a lady.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life and devastating death of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Once again, Sean looks as if he’s about spend the day in right field tossing back a few hot dogs and pitchers of beer, compared to Lindsay’s posh yet totally casual garden grounds bridesmaid luncheon outfit. They squish into a pimped out version of a Thai pedicab. Kudos to that little guy for having the leg power to schlep Sean’s massive body mass around Si Kao.
Sean and Lindsay spend the day at a local produce market. They begin at the poultry tent where they pet florescent-colored baby chicks before high fiving each other with the claws of a dead chicken. Best date ever! Sean purposely tests Lindsay’s ability to try something new by casually leading her to the insect tent and suggesting they taste test a sampling of the merchant’s offerings. Lindsay plasters on a smile and with as much enthusiasm as she can muster, she accepts the plump slug that has been conveniently speared onto a skewer. Instead of swallowing it whole, you can tell she bit into the flesh due to the mortified look on her face. Rookie mistake. She chugs her pineapple cocktail and prematurely celebrates her success in consuming the larvae when Sean suggests they try the over-sized roach. Crunchy!
As Lindsay begins to turn a fierce shade of green, Sean decides that she has proven herself and he takes her to the beach so they can feed a family of monkeys. Sean wears the dorktastic swim suit he purchased next to the invertebrate tent back at the market and Lindsay wears a tiny string bikini that comes incredibly close to requiring ABC modesty patches or blurring when she bends over to feed the hyper primates squealing for another round of grapes. They take a moment to fine dine on a few courses of pig snout and spider eggs as the sun sets over Monkey Beach. She tells him something that I don’t understand because I’m not fluent in baby talk. My friend Carrie was able to decipher after we rewound. Let the record show that Carrie works daily with youths. Anyway, using context clues coupled with Carrie’s loose translation, I can assume that it was in the general “you’re super neat” vicinity since Sean responds by sticking his tongue down her throat.
Later Lindsay wears her best lingerie at dinner and is confused why Magic Kingdom’s Spectromagic Main Street Electrical Parade floats are in Thailand, but decides it makes sense since Disney owns ABC and she should just go with the flow. A pretty floral pattern has been outlined by millions of candles on the ground. You know the ABC Intern was sweating bullets when the Thai dancers came out to perform for our dynamic duo. One wrong turn in choreography and the whole place goes up in smoke! MAN YOUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER INTERN!
Sean: “Will you dance for me like that later?”
Lincee: “You’re not in the fantasy suite Sean. Calm down.”
Lindsay: “Is it gross that I want that chick to scoop out some ice cream with her fingernails?”
Lindsay shares that she is totally open to moving to Dallas. Upon hearing this, Sean gives her the forego card and the fantasy suite key. He lets her know that there will be absolutely no hanky panky going on, so she puts on some sweats over her negligee and settles in for a long night of conversation in an octave that sits right at the level of your typical first grader.
As AshLee gives a small, yet thorough dissertation about the wonder that is Sean, I become both distracted and obsessed with figuring out what her necklace says. It looks like “AshLee” and then I think it says “Respect” but then change my mind, convinced it says “Gypsy.” After several pauses of the DVR, one Google search and a few confirmations from those watching the show with me, I am happy to report that the necklace reads “gypset,” which is a made up word that roughly translates to: “having an unconventional and Bohemian approach to life.” I’ve learned that in order to be a gypset, you have to play the ukulele or accordion, prefer vacationing in a teepee, reject all forms of currency, drink absinthe and constantly wish you had been a young adult in the 70s.
From our viewpoint, it’s pretty much the opposite of what AshLee’s demeanor has been the entire show, but I have to give her props for embracing her nomadic motto by hanging on to the shoulders of her “adventurous” bachelor as they dog paddle their way through a scary cave.
Sean: “I just need to see if AshLee can let go of her fears and trust me. I really hope that she proves herself by letting me take control.”
My opinion? It’s kind of hard to trust you when you’re being a total jackhole, Sean. Perhaps you could give her a little encouragement that you’re not going to let rabid bats eat her face off? Or you’ll throw your body on top of her should a stalactite fall from above causing her eye socket to be impaled? PS: shouting an explicative when some unknown cave dweller brushes up against your leg does not promote an atmosphere of control and trust. She was definitely a bigger gypsetter than YOU.
It’s a good thing that private beach was so cool on the other side, or I would have had some words with our resident bachelor. Of course, this leads to many metaphors for their relationship. Just pick one that has to do with trust, taking risks, blah, blah, blah. AshLee begins monologging about Sean’s ability to make her feel whole, her love for this man and that two human beings couldn’t belong together more than they.
Preach it gypset!
At dinner, AshLee tells Sean for the hundredth time that they were made for each other and then she describes in great detail the exact engagement ring along with her finger size because she knows the visit to Uncle Neil will be in the next few days. Do you hear that? It’s the final nail being hammered into her coffin.
It’s time to purchase a one-way ticket to Moulin Rouge my friend. Tell Christian I said I think he’s hot and he can gift me a song any time he wants.
At first, I thought Catherine was wearing a clunky sports bra under her island dress, but it was just her swimsuit. It distracted me so much that I barely noticed Sean pretend to have no idea she was about to jump on his back with a surprise hello. Sean’s time with Catherine was completely different from Lindsay and AshLee. It was mellow, casual and full of conversation. Bonus for us…Catherine stood on the bow of the bow and announced she was Queen of the World! Thank you for that Leo.
They sit down for some non-eye-contact quality time and discuss how she’s ready to make the trek from Seattle to Dallas because they are MFEO. Catherine admits that she was sad after her home town dates because her evil sisters totally threw her under the bus and they have NO idea what she wants in life because she shares her inner most secret thoughts with her best friend who is married and that makes everything okay. I didn’t follow it either.
However, I may have stood up and cheered when they both did a back flip off of the boat into the ocean. Catherine reminds him that she can be serious, but he assures her that her silly and weird side is something that he finds extremely attractive. To prove it, he sticks his tongue down her throat as he pushes her up against the mast in the middle of a rain storm. Somewhere in a race track bar in Arizona, Arie knew his protege would be okay.
At dinner, Sean asks Catherine where she will be in five years. She answers that they will be married, probably with a kid, and very happy. Then she trumps the fantasy card before it’s even mentioned, telling Sean that she’s nervous because she doesn’t want people watching to think she’s a hooch. Sean loves this and assures her that there will be nothing going on other than some heavy making out in a hot tub. He hands her the forgo card and by the writing and the scratch out (Dear
Des Catherine), clearly this has not been written by Harrison.
They don’t pay me to write about the details people. They don’t pay me at all. GYPSET FOREVER!
Catherine ends the night by admitting that she never was one to get the good looking guy because she’s always been told that she’s on the chunky side. Something tells me her wicked sisters are the culprits of this little lie.
Catherine: “I’ve never been in a bathing suit more in my life than on this trip.”
Lincee: “Best sentence EVER on this show.”
Sean: “You’re smokin’ hot.”
Lincee: “Good answer.”
THIS JUST IN! EVERYONE. REMAIN CALM. OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY. WILL IT BE THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE NEXT BACHELORETTE? IS OUR HOST DATING SOMEONE? HAS THE FEED BEEN LOST IN THE EDITING ROOM AND HARRISON MUST IMPROV HIS WAY THROUGH THE NEXT 45 MINUTES? YES PLEASE!
No. It’s a shameless plug for “Oz, the Great and Powerful” brought to you by three very Stepford looking witches in the forms of Jen Lindley, Jackie from That 70s Show and the gorgeous brunette who married to my favorite 007.
Sean confesses to Chris Harrison that he knows who he is sending home. Chris looks like a hobbit sitting next to Sean, but that’s neither here nor there because they both look amazing in the tunics and linen pants from Harrison’s island collection of his menswear line. It’s time to bust out the video messages from the ladies. Sean’s facial expressions begin to waiver.
Lindsay talks about her wedding dress entry and giggles a lot. Catherine shares that she’s falling in love. And AshLee rounds things out by telling Sean (between literal melt downs) that because of him, she is no longer broken.
Sean takes a moment to hurl and then heads out to meet the waiting ladies. He quickly gives Lindsay a rose then forces us wait a good 30 seconds before ripping the Band-Aid and announcing Catherine’s name.
AshLee’s eyes turn in to daggers as she stares him down before briskly walking to her waiting rejection SUV.
Catherine: “She didn’t say goodbye to us.”
Lindsay: “She’s pissed.”
Lincee: “Thank you Captain Obvious.”
She commands, “DON’T FOLLOW ME!” but he trudges behind anyway, begging her to hear his side of the story. After using the word “intense” he wraps up his speech by letting Ash know that he thinks the world of her. Way to let her down easy, Sean! AshLee doesn’t speak a word until the vehicle is in motion, several cocktails are poured and the ABC Psychotherapist pulls a sound bite out of her. “This wasn’t a silly little game to me.” She instructs the driver to pull over at the chicken tent at the market to see if anyone knows where she can buy a bunny to boil.
J.K. everyone. J.K.
I have to admit that Sean did look a little guilty, and by AshLee’s reaction, one could assume that he told her things that turned out to not be true. On the other hand, describing someone as “intense” may mean that our resident bachelor is looking for a little bit of silly in his life. If I had to guess, I’d say it was more of the back flip off a boat silly than a wedding dress skit silly.
All about the shame, not the fame,