Bachelor Sean Recap: What We Learned During the Finale

It turns out that an elephant, a joyful, loving father, an adorable weepy mother and two children who surely have Pottery Barn Kids modeling deals in the works by now turned out to be more entertaining than the super secretive “letter of doom” we’ve been teased about for the past few weeks. All in all, I think this was a pretty good season that showcased surprising pockets of awesome tucked away in the nooks and crannies of its finale.

Harrison’s Blinged Out Watch
Harrison is LIVE from a vanilla candle-scented sound stage in East LA and couldn’t be more excited to provoke a statement necklace wearing audience members with the promise of drama in the upcoming three hour special. I know what you’re wondering, and yes, that is a rather large timepiece hanging from his left wrist. Clearly Arie must have obtained the garish watch from the Liberace House of Crap, engraved “best buds” on the clasp and given it to Our Host as a joke to see if he would wear it on national LIVE television. Had he not been wearing a stellar suit from “The Harrison Collection,” he never would have pulled it off with such aplomb.

A Family That Wears Neon Together, Stays Together
Sean is in Thailand, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the love(s) of his life and is counting on his family to give some insight on choosing the woman of his dreams. Sister Shay is back in a head-to-toe fluorescent outfit. This time, she’s brought her Abercrombie and Fitch model husband and two traditionally dress children, complete with gingham shirt for the boy and giant hair bow for the girl. We’re not sure why Kensington and Smith’s jumpers were not decked out in bright pink and green embellishments. One can only assume it states in their modeling contracts that colors not existing on the traditional pallet of Ralph Lauren Kid’s summer line are strictly forbidden when helping “Uncle Seany” choose a wife.

Should it be Catherine, who played on an all-boys baseball team? This is the girl who tells Mama Lowe that she knew she loved her son through a series of back-and-forth love note writing. Mama Lowe is skeptical but Daddy Lowe embraces Catherine with the loving arms of a father and promises to be her biggest cheerleader if she’s “the one.” Catherine lost her control for just a moment and allowed the affection to wash over her, knowing that she would never feel this much emotion for her own father. Even the Grinchy-est person watching this show HAD to feel their heart swell just a little bit at this exchange.

Then again, maybe the lucky girl is Lindsay? Even though her dress is a little short for meeting Mama Lowe for the first time in my opinion, sister Shay (who totally dressed her Daddy in a fuchsia t-shirt) thinks the wedding dress out of the limo schtick was hilarious. Her husband says nothing. I say he’s hot. Well done Shay. Well done.

Mama Lowe is the voice of reason and drags her son out onto the terrace for a little reality check. He claims to love both women and his Mama advises that if that is the case, he shouldn’t propose to either one. Even though this is SOUND ADVISE, Sean becomes a bit irritated, claiming that Mama Lowe has only known each girl for 20 minutes. He ends with a sharp, “I just want your support.”

That’s when Mama Lowe starts crying. Sean crumbles at the sight of her face and suggests they go for a walk to get away from the prying eyes of the cameras. Again, he forgets that they are both wearing microphones, so we hear the entire conversation. In a nutshell, Mama warns him not to make a decision unless he knows FOR SURE and he promises that he wouldn’t ever get down on one knee if he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life with the girls standing in front of him.

Careful! You Might Need a Tetanus Shot
For Sean’s last date with Lindsay, he pays homage to our beloved Ames by wearing an aqua tank top, red shorts and a very large white plastic watch. Lindsay chooses to salute former bachelorette and newly married Ashley by wearing a layering tank as an actual tank and pink shorts from Build-A-Bear. A Thai man is instructed to row Sean and Lindsay up and down the Mekong, which closely resembles the chocolate river that swept up Augustus Gloop at the Wonka Factory. The pair giggle like prepubescent girls the entire time, laughing at their own goofiness. They arrive at a tree house where both suffer from what appears to be symptoms of sun stroke, drunkenness or early onset signs of staph infection from that unfortunate decision to take a dip in the Mekong. Later, Lindsay tells Sean she loves him. He says, “thanks” and “you look pretty” before they start making out. Lindsay is cool with this because “kissing is how he ‘spresses’ himself when he can’t really talk about it.” Is it now? Then they free a bunch of paper lanterns into the sky with love language words written all over them.

Horton Hears a Who
Sean couldn’t have set his date up with Catherine any better. She greets him in a field (they’re wearing matching purple tops) and begins chattering on about how there are elephants walking around everywhere! Sean pretends he doesn’t believe her just as one comes crashing through the brush. They both put on a pair of elephant pants, are hoisted up on the animal’s back and traipse around Thailand taking in the general splendor of the scenery. Horton drops the love birds off at the same tree house and Sean does a great job marveling at the breathtaking view as if he had never seen it less than 24 hours ago. Catherine admits that she’s falling for Sean and she can’t wait for a future of planning engagement parties. Yes that was as random as it sounded.

At dinner, she tries to tell him how she feels, but she’s reluctant to share her true emotions. Finally, he pulls her in close and we hear a fake heartbeat in a non-existent microphone as she chokes out a muffled “I love you” in the general vicinity of his jugular. Sean thanks her for “the great day” and heads off to his car. Catherine can’t seem to shake the bubbling crazy, and when it quickly hits her eyes, she begins stalking him with the smooth moves of a jungle cat. Ah! There are the mood swings her sisters were complaining about! He feels her presence in the dark shadow of a palm tree and coaxes her out, trying to appease her darting eyes by constantly asking her if she had a good day. Irritated by his unwillingness to share his true feelings (she’s seen this show, right?) she flings herself on the bed and has a meltdown. It was just south of the drama we witnessed when Ashley took to her bed after Bentleygate. It’s obvious Catherine is over tired.

This Paragraph Was Brought To You by NEIL LANE
After lubing up with moisturizer, Sean pulls a quarter Mesnick on the balcony and reflects on how he searched his heart and finally knows who will get a ring put on it. He visits Neil Lane and picks out the exact cut and setting that AshLee pre-ordered before she was kicked to the curb weeks ago. AWKARD.

I Shaved My Legs For This?
Lindsay chooses a shiny, reflective ensemble for her pending engagement dress. I’m pretty sure all of Thailand was able to pick up Ryan Secrest’s radio show frequency due to the amount aluminum foil wrapped tightly around her body. PS: It’s silver. The color of second place. I’m just saying. Harrison escorts her to the proposal pedestal and Sean hems and haws a decent “you’re great, but” speech. Sean begins to cry and Lindsay stays tough. The General has taught her well. She casually mentions that she’s going to go now, reminds him that this is her worst nightmare, wishes him well and then takes her shoes off so she can properly stalk away. Everyone watching cheers her phenomenal attitude. For someone who probably frequented a few KOT keg parties no less than two years ago, she handles the disappointment really well and shows lots of maturity. Because of this, I was able to forgive her when I couldn’t translate any of her crying baby talk voiceover in the rejection SUV. Good for you, Lindsay!

Catherine Takes the Gold
It turns out that Catherine was the culprit behind the letter that got more air time than Neil Lane this week. It’s basically a love letter that is read in voiceover between Catherine and Sean as she makes her way in another version of Lindsay’s tin foil dress (yet it was champion gold) to Sean’s waiting arms. He tells her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and against Mama Lowe’s wishes, Sean drops on one knee and asks Catherine to marry him. Catherine seems very emotional at the outpouring of love from Sean and even looks him in the eye once or twice. Even though the ABC Intern was sent to fetch a paper bag for Catherine’s hyperventilating, Horton was summoned once again and the two meandered off on elephant back into the sunset.

Prime Time Nuptials
During “After the Final Rose,” Harrison insists that some life-changing news has just been confirmed in the last 24 hours, from the Bachelor himself. After roughly 45 minutes of teasing, we learn that Sean and Catherine do not have a date set for the wedding, but they do know that they will be getting married on ABC. There has been no confirmation of florescent bow ties and cummerbunds for the wedding party. Stay tuned.

Desiree’s Creek
The Joey Potter lookalike has officially been announced as next season’s bachelorette. I am starting an aggressive Twitter campaign to convince Mike Fleiss to find two suitable suitors named Dawson and Pacey. Won’t you join me?

What do you think of the finale? How long will it be before Catherine and Sean tie the knot? Will you tune in for Desiree’s season in May? Sound off in the comments below!

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