Bachelor Recap: 50 Shades of Sean’s Abs

Welcome back green beaners! It’s been too long. For those of you who don’t hang around during the off season, I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you terribly. Tell your Mom I said hi.

Can you believe that we are already experiencing the muscular grace of Sean Lowe as he maneuvers this amazing journey to find love? How about that opening Season 17 montage that symbolically tugs at the hearts of the viewing audience with the hope that all of us not watching the BSC championship game will remember how Sean was unlucky in love during Emily’s season? I’m not sure what all was discussed during the 31 minutes we were forced to trudge down memory lane because I was distracted by the oiled up beefcake lifting weights in front of me. Seriously. I haven’t seen that many gratuitous mid-section shirtless shots since the inaugural and 2.0 seasons of Hotter Than Crap Brad Womack. Sure there were a few scenes of our bachelor with his niece and nephew and one random moment when he was pondering life, love and other mysteries while standing (fully clothed!?) strong and capable, ankle deep in the waves of an angry sea at sunset, but I can report that the chiseled abdominal area was showcased no more than 16 times with at least four pectoral shout outs.

What I wasn’t expecting was the return of bad boy race car driver Arie to give our bachelor a few tips on his kissing technique. It was equal parts necessary, disturbing, uncomfortable and awesome. I found it interesting that it only took one beer for this phenomenon to take place. Arie walked Sean through eye contact, hand placement and appropriate amount of tongue.

Look dude, he’s a pro. Arie is your Yoda. Listen and learn, Sean. Don’t believe me? Fast forward to the 1:24 mark.

Help you he can. Yes.

Speaking of masters, Our Host Chris Harrison saunters onto the scene with the confidence only a Ryan (read: Gosling or Reynolds) could muster on a red carpet premiere night. His charcoal suit smolders with sex appeal. His golden spray tan glistens in the driveway. He effortlessly recites the opening spiel with aplomb. A man steps out of a limo. Who is that waiter? Wait. It’s our bachelor. Dressed as a footman. Harrison was this close to channeling his inner Countess of Grantham by ordering a whiskey sour. Fortunately, the fleet of limos pulls up. It’s time to meet the ladies!

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you linked on Twitter happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the nail stylist or bowing instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Matthew Crawley like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Fit Model
Bakersfield, CA
Why you remember her:
At first you wonder what the difference is between a fit model and a regular ole fitness model? Then you’re distracted because Amanda has deliberately asked Sean if he would like to go ahead and get the first date awkward pause out of the way while holding hands and staring crazily into each other’s eyes. That 30 seconds of pain will be felt by all the viewing audience. Thanks Mandy.
Status: Rose

Personal Organizer
Why you remember her: AshLee spells her name like I used to spell my name in elementary school – LinC. I was pretty much over it after fourth grade. I wonder what made Ash keep the Lee? She was one of many in a signature red dress and told Sean upon meeting him that she was happy he was the bachelor. She appears to be normal and I think she will go far. Until he finds out her age.
Status: Rose

Ashley H.
Fashion Model
Garner, NC
Why you remember her: AshLey wore an ice blue pageant dress and big pageant hair. She was a dead ringer for Jasmine as seen in the blockbuster animation Aladdin. She claimed to be a southern belle who could show Sean the world…shining, shimmering and splendid. But when she was interviewed during her rejection walk of fame, her voice resembled a little more Nicki Minaj than Disney princess. Peace out Jaz.
Status: No Rose

Ashley P.
Hair Stylist
Macomb, MI
Why you remember her: During the introductory b-roll package, Ashley claims to have no idea why she’s still single. My money is on the fact that she pushes her Christian Grey fantasies on anything with a Y chromosome, but that’s just a hunch. I wonder if she walks around with a neck tie permanently shoved down the deep dark crevices of her ample bosom? And what was up with her booty bumping? To quote the eloquent Justin Matice, “Dancing is just a conversation between two people. Talk to me.” There was absolutely zero question as to what 50 Shades of Drunk wanted to convey during her one-on-one dance time with Sean and the door frame. Could someone please take away her invisible pole? Our bachelor quickly dismisses Grey Goose. She is ushered into the general direction of the sunken living room where she misjudges the depth of one step and falls flat on her money maker. CURSE YOU SIR ISAAC NEWTON! If you watched closely, you could see the shoes of the ABC intern rushing forward to help but then stop suddenly upon the realization that AshDrunk is perfectly happy wallowing on the floor. Christian would not be pleased.
Status: No rose

Community Organizer
Pittsburgh, PA
Why you remember her: Brooke was the tall, African-American seductress with black leather fringe hanging strategically across her boob cage. Even though she landed a rose, I suspect she’s definitely too tall for the niece’s phat playhouse. This could be a problem.
Status: Rose

Graphic Designer
Seattle, WA
Why you remember her: Catherine had a nose stud and looked Polynesian. That’s all I got.
Status: Rose

Commercial Casting Associate
Belmont, CA
Why you remember her: Daniella prefers a more juvenile approach to her first impression. She walks Sean through the intricacies of a complicated hand shake. Let the record show that she was the last limo to arrive at the mansion, which translates into about four cosmopolitans chased by three tequila shots. Due to her impaired hand/eye coordination, she and Sean rarely made a connection during the hand shake session. Ironically, some connection was eventually made because she received a rose.
Status: Rose

Bridal Stylist
Northglenn, CO
Why you remember her: You can and you should (since she told us three times) to call her Des. She’s a bridal consultant which gave me pause at the beginning, but after I got to know her, I think she’s a front runner. She makes a wish with him by throwing pennies in a fountain and talks her family up, which is a big plus for Sean. So much so that he gives her the second random out-of-sequence-THERE-ARE-NO-RULES rose of the night. After Des, he starts handing them out like Mardi Gras beads, even though it’s not rose ceremony time. (Note: Even though AshGrey flashed him, she did not score a coveted bud.) I predict Des will go far if she can keep it together.
Status: Rose

Salon Owner
Salt Lake City, UT
Why you remember her: Diana was one of three to rock a side braid. She’s the single Mom. I think Sean will be respectful of her family and life, but he’d prefer to have offspring sprung from his own loins. She’s cool though. She’ll be a steady shoulder to lean on during all the drama.
Status: Rose

Cosmetics Consultant
Ormond Beach, FL
Why you remember her: Jackie pulls out a tube of Sephora Rouge Cream Red #4 lipstick that she scored with her employee discount, applies generously and brands our bachelor with a huge kissy mark on his cheek. Harrison’s handkerchief was summoned to remove the evidence before the next chick stepped out of the limo, but Sean was denied. Hermes only wipes away Chanel. Everyone knows this.
Status: Rose

Kacie B.
Administrative Assistant/Drum Major
Clarksville, TN
Why you remember her: In a super shocking twist, the producers have brought Kacie B. back into the madness which proves she is either crazy or her father has given his blessing after watching Sean’s season. Apparently, they met at a Bachelor reunion and our baton twirling majorette developed a huge crush. He’s open to exploring the possibilities after he notices her inverted side boob through a Wes Hightower inspired mesh paneling down the front of her black cocktail dress.  There exchange seemed a bit forced if you ask me.
Status: Rose

Yoga Instructor
Woodstock ,IL
Why you remember her: Katie had wild and crazy curls. She was also barefoot. I worry that she will catch something. Remember Katie. This IS the same mansion that films the Bachelor Pad. Sometimes, bleach just can’t dissolve all the funky discharge that may be living in the cracks of that linoleum floor. Put on some flip flops girl.

Cruise Ship Entertainer
Nashville, TN
Why you remember her: Kelly is from Nashville. One would assume that she would be dressed in a bedazzled fringe jacket, tight jeans and a kicky pair of boots instead of a white sparkly cocktail number with Fraggle Rock feathers adorning the bottom. Keeping true to her roots, she impresses Sean with a twangy tune that uses 47 verses to rhyme Sean with lawn and nose with rose. Kelly will be singing said ballad in the veteran’s pavilion in Branson, Missouri just beside the sign that bills her as “the girl who got kicked off the first round of The Bachelor” this summer. Photographs are welcome!
Status: No Rose

Agoura Hills, CA
Why you remember her: The only thing I have written down for this girl is “mullet dress.” Discuss.
Status: No Rose

Darien, WI
Why you remember her: Kristy gives you flashbacks of Courtney after she claims she is the best from the Midwest during her Ford model photo shoot. You also have a sneaking suspicion that her “trainer” assists a little more than a typical “trainer” should assist in a normal person’s workout.
Status: Rose

Graduate Student
Valencia, CA
Why you remember her: How could you forget Lacey? She’s the one who pulled out a heart-shaped piece of lace from her bra. Huh. There’s a lot of that going on in this episode. How many of us use our bras as convenient storage? Mine’s been known to carry a credit card and my iPod. Is that too much information? Should we go on? I think so. Disregard.
Status: Rose

Cranston, RI
Why you remember her: Lauren looks like Lady GaGa. She thinks that the best way to win Sean’s heart is to tell him that her Dad is basically going to kill him should they ever meet because he is in the Italian Mafia. Go with the meat dress next time, honey.
Status: No Rose

Political Consultant
Fort Smith, AR
Why you remember her: Lesley trots up to Sean carrying a football in the coolest Heisman pose she can convey while wearing a tight fitting electric blue frock. She convinces him to position himself as the center while she stands behind him calling random plays. As he’s bent over the ball, waiting for any indication that Lesley is ready for him to hike, he soon realizes that she’s just there to admire the view. Well played, Lesley. This girl will go far.
Status: Rose

Poker Dealer
Ruskin, FL
Why you remember her: Leslie provided one of the best lines of the night. While watching 50 Shades of Drunk shimmy her way over to Sean for seduction, Leslie laments, “I feel for him.”
Status: Rose

Substitute Teacher
Fort Bragg, NC
Why you remember her: Lindsay decided that the best way to get our bachelor’s attention was to borrow her cousin’s wedding dress and veil, get rip-roaring drunk in the limo, stagger up to Sean as her nine foot long train drags through the freshly sprayed pavement before demanding that he kisses the bride. She admitted that she “wished she was more sober” while eighth-grade dancing with our bachelor. She asked for a kiss. As a gentleman, he turned his head, only to develop whiplash as she jerked it back forward for a sloppy half-mouth landing. Somewhere, Arie was shaking his head in embarrassment for her as Lincee watches that YouTube video again.  Sean sends her and the ABC intern to the bathroom to hold both her veil while she threw up and her train while she peed.
Status: Rose

Jumbotron Operator
New York, NY
Why you remember her: Paige doesn’t want you to be intimidated or anything, but she was totally on Bachelor Pad 3 as a super fan and she would have hooked up with Reid had she not been ousted by the Originals. No spoons were needed to gag me. I did it all on my own.
Status: No Rose

Oilfield Account Manager
Houston, TX
Why you remember her: Come one. You know you rewound that botched back handspring / back walkover hybrid move no less than three times. Admit it. Why she attempted to execute such a gymnastic feat while weighed down in a rhinestone pageant dress is beyond me. I may have laughed after I found out she wasn’t the girl from the promo who ends up in a neck brace. With that said, I’m totally rooting for the oil and gas industry girl from H-Town. INDUSTRY UNITE!
Status: Rose

Advertising Executive
Evergreen, CO
Why you remember her: Sarah talks about how she doesn’t want to get special treatment just because she has one arm. She tells Sean that she wants to spend the rest of her life with a person and not just her dog. So he gives her a rose.
Status: Rose

Real Estate Developer
San Diego, CA
Why you remember her: Selma is the one who pulled out Kleenex from her cleavage (there it is again) in order to wipe away the kissy mark from Sephora. PS: How gross was that tissue? I’d bet $20 that it had both snot residue and an old piece of gum in there. Ay, caramba!
Status: Rose

Health Club Manager
Portland, OR
Why you remember her: Taryn is on a fast train to Crazy Town. She spent most of her night crying on the stairs because she didn’t get alone time with Sean. Here’s hoping the sudden grief stricken tears were alcohol induced and not legitimately life altering.
Status: Rose

Leasing Consultant
Las Vegas, NV
Why you remember her: 1. It’s Tee-ERA, not Tee-ARE-AH. B. She has a little bit of Michelle Money crazy eye about her that was later confirmed by the “this season” ending promo which pitched her as the resident Evil One. 3. Sean was so blown away by her awesomeness that he handed her the first rose mere seconds after she stepped out of the limo. He said there was some good energy and she had a magnetic personality. I call it bottled pheromones.  Probably derived by Emily’s tears.
Status: Rose

That’s it ladies and gentlemen! What did you think? Are you happy Kacie B. is back? Are you sad the vocal stylings of Nashville is gone? Did you see Sean take a moment for a silent prayer before the parade of cocktail dresses? Should the ABC intern have helped 50 Shades up from the floor? Take a moment and discuss your favorite parts in the comments section!

All about the shame, not the fame,


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