Roughly 80 percent of “The Bachelor’s” Women Tell All episode was dedicated to information we already know. But whether you’re suffering through the uncomfortable rehashing of Sean letting Sarah go before the rose ceremony, or when he bowed up at the audacity of Des’ brother calling him a playboy, it’s important to take another sip of your preferred beverage and refrain from looking at your watch.

What’s that? You don’t have patience for such nonsense? You’re in luck! Choosing juicy morsels from 120 minutes of Bachelor Sean’s walk down Memory Lane is my specialty! That’s what they pay me to I do!

The first thing you need to know is that Our Host Chris Harrison is a party crasher. I’m pretty confident he’s also rocking a pretty deep man crush on our boy Sean considering the massive bus he rented to scour the neighborhoods within a 20 mile radius of the Bachelor mansion in search of the perfect viewing party group to surprise. The first one consisted of 12 teenage girls who all flipped out as if Bieber had personally pointed to them during an encore of “One Less Lonely Girl.” Realizing this was a bit on the skeevy side, their next stop was UCLA’s sorority row. Sean was blinded by the iPhone flashes when 120 Delta Gammas forced him to take his shirt off. I’m pretty sure Twitterverse and Instagram literally shut down due to excessive uploading.

Sean: “I can’t believe all these women are screaming for me. It’s humbling.”

A. They’re clearly screaming at Harrison.
B. Where’s the Texas love Sean? Could you not drive your party bus from Dallas to Houston and crash your favorite Bachelor blogger in appreciation for almost a DECADE of snarky, yet lovable banter through the years?
C. Where’s the Pi Phi love dude?

Back in the studio audience, Harrison introduces the ladies, hand picking the more popular contestants to give their initial two cents on how they feel the season progressed. Here’s what we learn:

1. Des thought the girls would be more cordial and that everyone would get along. She didn’t expect cartoon bluebirds flying around helping everyone to get dressed in their yoga pants in the morning and tight fitting Spandex at night, but there was a level of kindness that was inexplicably missing.
2. Selma tried hard to encourage Tierra to hide her crazy.
3. “America” (aka: the 60 people in the studio audience) believe Tierra was faking her spill down the stairs and hypothermia.
4. Brooke (who?) doesn’t blame Tierra for seizing an opportunity to get ahead of the game.
5. I blame Brooke’s red pant suit.
6. Robyn is just as mad at Tierra now as she was during the show. And this infuriates her even more.

After 20 minutes of Tierra bashing, Our Host announces that she is indeed backstage, currently being briefed by the big guy in the black hoodie who picks up the rejected ladies’ suitcases. Tierra chose to wear a re-purposed dress from an old Laura Ashley bed spread. It was pastel and floral, but totally modern with a cut in the middle that featured her bare midriff.

Harrison warns the audience that they should play nice before inviting Tierra out to the hot seat so we can hear her side of the story. She is greeted by a lackluster smattering of applause.

I think I can sum up Tierra’s appearance with one of my infamous betacaps:

Tierra room lighting. Joy bringing. People judging. Eyebrow arching. First rose celebrating. Target on her backing. Girls scowling. Green turning. NOT HERE FOR FRIENDS announcing. “I don’t know why they were mean to me” questioning. Prize focusing. AshLee ganging. Girl bashing. NEVER name calling. Any regretting? Pretty much noping. Delusional reasoning. Lincee watch checking. Will this ever ending? Jackie quipping. Selma’s feeling hurting. Tierra not remembering. Selective amnesia-ing. Ye ole’ stink eye giving. Sean focusing. Conviction standing. Eyebrow wagging. Hilarious tweeting. AshLee pin pointing. Heavy on Tierra’s chesting. Or hearting? Lincee laughing. Tierra accusing. AshLee lying. AshLee soap boxing. Apology demanding. Finger pointing. Face expressing. Eyebrow uncontrolling. Personality sparkling? Little Miss Nevada winning. Sparkle confirming. Engagement ring blinging. Love finding. Dude existing. Eyes rolling. Eyebrow cocking. “America” boo-ing. Tierra exiting.

Sarah was next in the hot seat. Harrison forces her to watch a montage of all their good times before Sean dumped her in an abandoned hotel room and then made her go tell the other girls goodbye. Cut to Sarah crying and Harrison just sitting there, letting her and the rest of “America” stew in the uncomfortable silence. Sarah explains that she let Sean in and was very vulnerable. Then she becomes the Voice of Reason again by saying that any rejected girl more than likely has heard the, “You’re great, but just not for me” speech. She knows that she’s funny, smart and just wonders when she’ll find the guy who is willing to go on an amazing journey with her. Everyone applauds.

Des handles herself beautifully when she’s invited to the stage with Harrison, even if she was wearing the slip that typically goes UNDERNEATH a tight fitting cocktail dress. Note to readers: lingerie does not a dress make.

Her easy, breezy, beautiful attitude does not surprise me at all because ABC publicists have probably been feeding her carefully crafted PR answers for the past three weeks. It’s the only answer. Plus, Harrison barely grilled her on her brother. I think it merits a little more than two sentences. Who says, “I’m looking forward to the future and embracing all that life has to offer, including finding love.”

The next bachelorette, that’s who.

She’s going to have to trade in her khaki row boat pants and Haynes t-shirts for something a little more flattering.

PS: Producers are totally missing a huge boat if they don’t find two dudes who look exactly like Pacey and Dawson. Best season ever. I’m just saying.

PSS: TEAM PACEY FOREVER! I DON’T WANNA WAIT!

AshLee and her fresh hair extensions take the hot seat next and Harrison drags her down Memory Lane. Her first order of business is setting the record straight that she was not pissed the night Sean escorted her to the rejection SUV. She was at a loss for words. She also wanted the world to know that she is no longer in love with him because after watching the show, she’s convinced Sean is not the gentleman who blindfolded her, rolled around “From Here To Eternity” style on a beach or guided her through a random cave that spit her out into a cool private beach. He appears to be more of a frat daddy. She is completely over him and all she needed to know is why? Why did he dishonor her by allowing her to bask in the high hopes that she would one day be Mrs. Lowe?

It’s time to ask him AshLee.

Sean saunters out. He looks weird. I can’t figure out if this whole ordeal ended badly for him or if he’s just ready to hurl since AshLee is using Vulcan mind tricks to intimidate him from the front row. Harrison opens up the can of worms, inviting AshLee back up on stage to share a love seat with Sean. He tried to smooth things over by assuring AshLee that he knew she was a strong woman who could handle the rejection with maturity. The daggers in AshLee’s eyes returned and she dropped a bombshell: “Then why did you say you didn’t have feelings for the other two girls?”

Shock rippled through the audience as Sean looked dumbfounded, before promising that he never did and never would say such nonsense. She then treated him like a child, trying to coax the truth out while Harrison just stoked the fire. She wondered aloud if he thought she just made up a lie before bidding him adieu and wishing him luck on his endeavors.

AshLee: “I wish you nothing but the best. You did say that, but I don’t hold any grudge against you.”
Sean: “For the record, I didn’t say that.”

What do you guys think? Was Sean lying? Will AshLee ever date again? Has Tierra’s sparkle dimmed a little? Did you laugh hysterically when Lesley told her that she had made her cot and now she needed to lay in it? Who is Brooke? And why a red pant suit? Will Des be the next Bachelorette?

RIP Magic.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee