Bachelorette Hannah Recap: The Luke Ness Monster
Last week I was really worried about Bachelorette Hannah. She appeared to have a permanent seat on the struggle bus. Her picker seemed to be off kilter and her inability to recognize the giant red flag waving in her face was concerning.
This week, I’m worried about the guys. First of all, the hero hair has taken a life of its own. Is the damp Highland climate causing it to grow? Or does the follicle height directly correlate to one’s attraction to Hannah? I’m unsure at this point.
Second, I fear we have a brotherhood of the traveling dusty rose jacket phenomenon in our midst. Much like the traveling sisterhood pants, this pink blazer keeps popping up in cocktail parties each week. It somehow perfectly fits whichever physique it covers.
Is this good Scotland magic or bad Scotland magic? Will Hannah fall through a rock and find the quintessential kilt-wearing man named Jamie Fraser? Or is that me wishful thinking for her?
Finally, I’m unsure what’s going on with Luke P.
That statement probably does not surprise any of you reading these words. Allow me to explain.
His kamikaze qualities are not lost on me. I recognize the annoyingly Alpha Male bit he pairs with pathological lying and lethal stares.
What’s surprising to me is that the master-manipulator was bested by the beauty queen. Do the scheming neurons in Luke’s brain not function in the UK? Havs his mojo been overpowered by the witchcraft vibrating from the traveling dusty rose blazer?
We don’t know. Because ABC is hellbent on depriving us of a rose ceremony.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
As you may recall, when we last left Hannah, she was sandwiched between a pair of Lukes who were verbally duking it out over who said what that time and who body slammed who that other time. The terms “right reasons” and “liar” were thrown around like the proverbial “journey” and “I love you, Hannah.” It was a process that we didn’t ask for, which all led us to look like this in minute one of the episode:
Hannah can’t stand it anymore and decides to leave these jokers behind to stare into the fireplace’s flickering flames. She finds sanctuary with the marble gargoyles and is jolted into reality when Our Host Chris Harrison informs her it’s time to mingle like she’s single before handing out a bunch of red roses to her band of suitors.
Hannah’s not having it. There will be NO cocktail party. Her mind is made up.
Harrison gladly walks into the room and approaches the gathering couch, eager to announce that the night will be cut short. Our Host is painting the town red tonight, boys. That bottle of honey bourbon isn’t going to drink itself.
The guys are irritated with Luke P. Once again, he’s the reason none of them get any alone time with Hannah. They shoot him dirty looks as the ABC Intern organizes the group in an orderly manner. Just when the lines are perfectly straight and Hannah approaches the petal pedestal, Luke S. requests a private audience with our bachelorette.
Home girl doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she is so…over…this…feud and takes great pride in rolling her tide along with her eyes in one fail swoop. They leave the rose ceremony room, yet stay in eyesight of the others. After a few emphatic gestures and a couple of warnings to “keep your eyes open,” Luke S. removes himself from Hannah’s roster.
And then Chris Harrison does something that has never been done before. He removes a boutonniere from the petal pedestal.
Traditionally, if a contestant leaves, that rose is up for grabs. Hannah couldn’t care less when she sees Harrison pluck the bud from the group and firmly secure it in his own lapel, proving that HE is the true winner in this scenario.
Hannah hands out roses to all the guys you would expect. The two unlucky ones going home are Mateo (not Keith) and John Paul Jones. I hope Mateo remembers to bring home souvenirs from his trip to all his offspring. And I trust John Paul Jones will hook back up with his brothers for a summer tour.
Next up? Scotland! The animated map shows the viewing audience where this country is located and we witness all the guys whooping and hollering over their new Scottish digs. Then they all head to the local pub for a few pints and are completely surprised when Hannah shows up to say hello.
It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life. And Hannah’s feeling good. And refocused. She encourages all of the guys to recenter themselves, too, since they are in a new country. Then she invites Big Mike to join her on a one-on-one date that starts NOW.
One-on-one announcements always makes the group a bit tense. When Mike and Hannah leave, Garrett semi-attacks Luke for “putting on a different persona” when Hannah walked into the bar. He encourages all of the guys to be “organically yourself to the absolute max” and it hits me…
Garrett doesn’t have hero hair. It’s 80s After School Special hair. It all makes sense now.
The guys give Luke the what for and warn him not to throw them under the bus like he did Other Luke. He just stared at them.
Meanwhile, Big Mike and Hannah do as the Scots do. They eat sour candy, taste whiskey, choke down some haggis, hold eggs to their ears, and sniff the pages of old novels in a bookstore before searching for this one.
That night at dinner, Mike opens up to Hannah. He’s been burned before, which makes him not trust anyone when it comes to romantic relationships. Now, thanks to Hannah, Big Mike is ready to give it a go. He’s happy that he can envision getting down on one knee.
I have a few thoughts about Big Mike. He’s adorable and I want to bottle up that smile and sell it at a local farmer’s market. I think he enjoys Hannah. I think she enjoys him. There is zero romantic anything going on.
Is he playing a game? Sort of, but not in a bad way. I think they both just like each others’ company and this was Hannah’s way of seeing if Big Mike was top three material. Although I think he is GREAT, he’s not going to be the man with the final rose.
I do think he might find love in Paradise.
He might make a great bachelor for next season. Tell me I’m wrong.
“Where’s Jamie Fraser Again?”
All the Ds
Peter the Pilot
After some quick math, everyone deduces that it’s Luke who gets the second one-on-one. The boys are not happy. Steam further protrudes from their ears when Luke waxes on philosophically how this date couldn’t have come at a better time, because he’s really hoping to know by the end if he’s interested in Hannah enough to stay.
Dylan Not Mateo calls for someone to roll the tape from WEEK 2 when Luke professed his love. The vein in Garrett’s head threatens to pop. Footloose Tyler tries to be the voice of reason and Peter the Pilot puts in a request for the traveling blazer.
Jed is the only one who sees the bright side. He trusts that Hannah will finally understand that Luke is a jack wagon who needs a one-way ticket back to the other side of the world.
But there’s no time to waste. The boys are super stoked that they get an entire day sans Luke. They all give Big Mike apologetic looks before they pile into a string of SUVs headed for greater things.
Big Mike and Luke stare at each other. Then the ABC Intern pulls out a research paper he wrote in high school about the Loch Ness Monster. It details the characteristics of the poisonous creature that roams the deep murky waters. He changes “Loch Ness” to “Luke Ness” and hands it over to the show runners, who then pay Big Mike’s handler a few extra Hundo-Ps to force Mike into pretending that he came up with the comparison between the man and the myth.
The ABC Intern gets a raise. He can now take fifteen minutes for lunch each day, instead of every other day.
The group date is all about Highland Games, which means the guys have to conjure a “war yell,” toss an axe into a piece of wood, carry some milk, and wrestle each other. Then they do it all again in front of an audience, wearing traditional Highland garb.
That means they are wrestling in kilts without underwear.
I’ve never been so thankful and happy to see the return of the Black Modesty Box in all my life. So. Many. Boxes.
Other than Hannah, Footloose Tyler is the only one whose hatchet connects with the wooden block. No one keeps their milk from splashing out of the bucket. Everyone’s junk is showcased for the world, and small children, to see. It was an interesting day.
Jed takes it one step further by asking to be “pinned by the queen.” He fake wrestles Hannah, pulling her down onto himself so she can pin him and then they share a kiss in front of everyone.
The Scottish highlanders, who did not look like Jamie Fraser, deem Jed the winner of the games.
At the cocktail party, Hannah gives Jed his official winnings (and later the date rose), which is a square foot of land one may purchase at the Highland Games Gift Shop. He is officially Lord Jed and Hannah is his lady. She wants to celebrate by giving him a lap dance, but unfortunately, her skin-tight golden mermaid dress inhibits her from properly straddling his bagpipe region. She settles for sitting on him sideways.
Kevin/Keith wanders up the stairway and discovers the couple. It registers that he’s stumbled upon an intimate moment and for a split second, we can see that he’s fighting a decision to interrupt or just walk away. He chooses the second option and slowly trudges back to the gathering couch with sad Charlie Brown music playing in the background, saddened by the fact that he has yet to kiss Hannah.
Later, someone asks Jed about his time with Hannah and he casually responds that it was good. Kevin/Keith chimes in that he thought it was good, too, since he would one day like to be pinned down on an antique wooden chair by Hannah. Jed starts laughing and I join him.
We need more Kevin/Keith on this show. And hooray for miracle drugs that help a shoulder injury bounce back, right? Who needs an Ace bandage civil war wrap job? Kevin/Keith is a stud. Someone give him the traveling jacket so he can feel special.
Jed’s not the only one to get some sexy time with Hannah. Peter the Pilot threw all caution to the wind by hoisting Hannah up onto a pool table for a sultry make out moment. They go full horizontal among cues and colorful balls before Hannah somehow manages to roll on top of Peter in her mermaid dress.
A lady is always aware of the potential for felt burn.
And if that wasn’t enough, Footloose Tyler brings back the kilt, in case Hannah saw something she liked, which she obviously did since she escorts him to an actual bed, tosses him down, and then tries to climb on top of him.
CURSE YOU MERMAID DRESS.
I agree with my friend Martha. Hannah must be ovulating.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
As the boys huddle around mugs of morning coffee in their favorite hoodies, Luke comes down ready for his time with Hannah. He has just interrupted a conversation surrounding the fact that group dates are way more fun without Luke around.
Luke, still in weak manipulator mode, promises Garrett that he will keep other names out of his mouth as he explores Scotland with his girlfriend. Then he bids them all adieu.
Hannah begins the date in an apprehensive mode. She tells the camera that she can’t deny her connection with Luke, but she also can’t deny that there are red flags AND the fact that he is disliked by everyone else. Her goal? To get Luke to open up about his feelings.
Consider this a huge gift from me to you. For the next twenty minutes, Hannah attempts to get Luke to use one emotional word that correctly conveys his journey so far. What she gets is the same answers over and over and over again.
- He wants to give her clarity. That never happens even though he uses the word clarity 75 times.
- He tells her that “everyone loves me” which Hannah knows is untrue.
- He wants her to know that he doesn’t have flaws. She laughs in his face.
- The others put words in his mouth and twist the meaning. She rolls her eyes.
- He claims Dylan and Devin blow everything out of proportion. Hannah looks to her handler and mouths, “Who are Dylan and Devin?”
- He parrots back whatever she says to him.
- He promises he will never quit pursuing her.
Hannah says the same things over and over and over again.
- She wants a man people are drawn to. He just stares at her.
- She thinks Luke is boastful and wants to know if he sees that in himself. He just stares at her.
- Does he know the definition of “feeling words?” He just stares at her.
- How can all the other guys hate him so much? He just stares at her.
Hannah finally leaves to go talk to her handlers. She asks them if someone can go explain to Luke what she needs because her words are not sticking. They shake their heads and send her right back to the cliff that overlooks the castle which will always be a sore spot in Hannah’s eyes from here on out, thanks to her crappy time with Luke.
When she gets back, Luke seems to have bought a clue. He says “it hurts me” which is just generic enough to make Hannah pause, but not specific enough for her to believe that he FEELS that way. She literally lays down when he shares once again that he will do anything to give her clarity.
They go round and round another ten minutes. Hannah finally gives up and suggests they go explore the dumb old castle by the shore. As they careen down the hill, Luke BRINGS IT UP AGAIN. He just wants to give her clarity. She shouts something about macaroni and cheese verses spaghetti and he doesn’t even answer that icebreaker.
The logical choice is to send Luke home. Hannah’s head tells her that, but her heart tells her something different. So do her nether regions. He must have received a dose of residual pheromones from when Jamie Fraser visited that castle.
Sidebar: Have any of these gifs convinced you that you need to be watching Outlander if you aren’t already? Listen to my podcast with Some Guy in Austin if you need further proof.
Could Luke be back in the game?
We don’t know. At dinner, both babble in so many different directions, I get bored. He’s on thin ice. She wants to break his walls down. He wants to be real and genuine. She wants him to be Red Ross like he was on the rugby field. He buys a clue and asks her if she was well-liked on her season.
She reminds him that she matured her season and wished she had done things differently instead of trying to be Miss Perfect. Luke chooses this moment to tell her that he loves every single thing about Hannah. Even her flaws.
I may have left the room.
When I come back, Hannah is monologging about how she’s not putting on a show for anyone. She will not be married to anyone who is fake. She’s tried to explain her feelings in every way possible (#truth) but it’s just not working. She can’t give him the date rose.
Based on next week’s scenes, we know Luke is still there. Is it because she gives him a rose? Or does he “fight for her” and come back after she ditches him by Loch Ness? Are the other guys mad because she takes him back? Or allows him to stay?
Sound off in the comments! Remember: IT IS A SPOILER FREE ZONE!