Bachelorette Ali is back!
Hello people! Group hug everyone! For those of you who only come to IHGB during the Bachelor/Bachelorette season, WELCOME BACK! We’ve missed you.
Last night our beloved show returned full of chachtastic first impression gifts, cringe worthy one-liners and unfortunate personal truths revealed on national television. Our Host Chris Harrison is gracing us with his presence once again. And according to several promo commercial spots, Jake will be waltzing with Vienna tonight on the results show of Dancing with the Stars.
Question: Which of those sentences made you throw up a little in your mouth?
But we are not here to talk about Jake. We are here to talk about Ali and her quest to find true love! We are here to talk about Cape Cod Chris and his periodic chart-loving self. We are here talk about Robert-O as he salsa’s his way into Ali’s heart. And apparently, we are here to talk about premature ejaculation.
What are we waiting for? Let’s get on with it!
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
I knew this season was going to be great when I shared this email exchange with Some Guy in Austin yesterday:
Me: “Thanks for the comment on my post.”
SGA: “Of course. How gay do those guys look? The one with the lip gloss is on fire.”
Me: “It has to be a bet. How dramatic if he revealed he was gay on the show? Definitely a path we haven’t been down before.”
SGA: “I hope he reveals it in the fantasy suite.”
Me: “I hope he hits on another dude in the Bachelor Bungalow and Harrison has to break the news to Ali on camera and she pulls a Mesnick on a balcony because she thought they had an amazing connection.”
SGA: “I hope he hits on Harrison and Harrison has to Roz him off the show.”
Classic. You know a series has made it when in two consecutive seasons, new verbs enter into your everyday vernacular. I shall make it my personal request to campaign for “pull a Mesnick” and “to Roz” make it into the hands of the decision-makers at Urban Dictionary.
On with the show.
From the moment she stepped out of the limo carrying a peacock feather last season, Ali was in love with Jake. She recalls how comfortable she felt when she sat straddling him in a public park meadow.
However, it came to a shocking end when she had to choose between staying on the show or her dream job.
[Last season footage of Ali crying to Jake with her feet in his lap.]
Ali: “I came into this with everything. Everyyyyyttthhhhiiiinnnnnggg!!!”
Jake: “I don’t want you to go.”
Ali: “But I have to go. It’s Facebook Jake. It’s my dream job. Without me, how is that weird guy from Mrs. Skinner’s 4th grade class who friended you a week ago supposed to find his missing baby calf in Farmville? It has nothing to do with the fact that you are a chach. Or the fact that I’m about to have an amazing reel to submit for my daytime Emmy when I go out in the hall, fling myself to the ground and cry because the ABC intern let it leak that he had on good authority that I would be considered for the next Bachelorette due to the fact that Tenley was going to need a nice long break and a big fat prescription for Prozac when you reject her for Vienna. I’m leaving because my job is more important than you. It’s not personal. It’s business. It’s not me. It’s you. Truly.”
[Current season footage of Ali reflecting on her decision to leave the show as she dances around in various wardrobe choices for her numerous dates and rose ceremonies.]
Ali: “Looking back, I was so wrong. It was a big mistake to choose a desk, computer and keyboard over someone who could be the love of my life. I let fear and insecurities and the power to notify someone that they had been poked dictate my life. I know it doesn’t seem that way because I was soooo competitive before. But trust me. I’m the girl next door. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
ABC really wants us to know that she was wrong to leave the show because this show works. Do they have to remind us of a little couple known as Trista and Ryan? I don’t think so! Ali came to be the Bachelorette and to find love. She’s serious. She “quit” her pesky job and is ready to land a husband. And that’s a good thing because this “girl next door” doesn’t currently have a place to live. She proudly moved out of her apartment straight into the Bachelorette mansion. Her days are spent running on the beach, mastering soccer ball skills and fitting in a quick trip to the salon for some hair extensions.
Our Host Chris Harrison greets Ali as she steps out of the limo. He escorts Ali into the house so they can talk about this amazing journey she is about to begin.
Hare: “So Ali. We are in our 20th season with this train wreck. You know the drill. Just talk about finding your true love and I’ll sit here and wish I was somewhere tropic with a cigar.”
Ali: “Oh Chris. Thanks for your support. I’m just ready to be in love with a guy and kiss him every day. I know this works. I fell in love with this show!”
Hare: “You fell in love on this show.”
Ali: “Same difference. Did you know I ‘gave up’ my job and moved out of my apartment? I’ve put everything on the line! It’s awesome…and scary…and…”
Hare: “Ridiculous? Stupid? Moronic?”
Ali: “Exactly. I feel free. It’s not a competition. I’ve already won! There is no jealousy. Only boys fighting for me! I want to find true love. I want to get married. I want to be pregnant. I’m a huge fan of kids!”
Hare: “And I’m a huge fan of Jim, Jack and Jose. I’m going to grab my boot flask and sit over there while you meet 25 anxious guys from all walks of life. You have fun.”
MEET THE BACHELORS
Real Estate Developer
Why we remember him: Your initial thought when he exited the limo and his named flashed across the bottom of the screen is that there will always and forever be ONE Chris H. on The Bachelor.
Cape Cod, MA
Why we remember him: Cape Cod Chris is the inner city New York high school math teacher who thought it was a no brainer to move back to Massachusetts to help with his sick Mama. He told us that Jake was a douche for allowing Ali to cry in the hallway because she is wicked hawt. The Cod gets points for choosing NOT to reveal to Ali that his Mom passed away, figuring it was not a good first impression story. I predict he will go far.
Why we remember him: You don’t.
But then he starts putting seven varieties of product in his hair for a night on the town (watch oot Toronto) and you think again because you would never want Ben Covington to be in the same category as this guy. However, you post his sweet pic anyway.
Thank me later.
Coiffed Craig is our resident bad boy. He wears bright ties. He has McDreamy hair. He tells Ali that he is soooo glad she is not Vienna. (I’ll second that.) He is the antagonist with each group he encounters at the cocktail party. And I’d bet five bucks he is not 34 years old.
Why we remember him: Craig is here for Ali. And all the other dudes had better feel the same or they’ll be sorry. And if you don’t believe him, watch out because he will tell on you in a heartbeat. And if reverting back to grade school tattling wasn’t enough, he gives Ali a pair of darling yellow tennis shoe key chains he got out of a gumball machine in 1987 at the Roller Rink. He will keep one. She will keep the other. This is Craig’s symbolic way of promising that one day…a pair of house keys will be placed on said ring.
Status: Rose (I’m sure Craig will spill every bit of dirt in the house if she promises to kiss him with tongue.)
Los Angeles, CA
Why we remember him: Derek decided against the Bonnie Bell Dr Pepper Lip Smacker as a way for the viewing audience to remember him. Instead, he threw a bunch of crunchy old leaves in the air and encouraged Ali to make her dreams come true by catching one.
Status: No rose
Derrick or “Shooter”
San Diego, CA
Why we remember him: Derrick introduces himself as “Shooter” when he takes Ali’s hand and kisses it gently. She is intrigued. She is falling into his rehearsed trap. “What does Shooter mean?” she asks with a giggle in her voice. He tells her to come find him inside and she will find out. “Well played Shooter,” he thinks to himself as he grabs a cold one from the bar.
Ali adjusts her dress strap, grabs her damp train and swirls around, dreamily coming up with scenarios that could make such a hunky guy have a cool nickname like Shooter.
Is he a Happy Gilmore fan?
Is he a proud card carrying member of the NRA?
Is he a pro basketball player?
Is he the all-time highest scorer in Duck Hunt?
I think we can collectively agree that an embarrassing moment of premature ejaculation in college was not even a remote possibility in any of our minds. Ali’s response to the camera of uncontrollable laughter was one of my favorite parts of the night.
Status: No rose
Retail Manager (Starbucks Barista)
Geneva, IL or Paris
Why we remember him: Frank. Oh Frank. You either love him or he annoys the hell out of you. He’s a mixture of Break Dancer Mike’s energy from DeAHnna’s season, Reid’s awkward adoarableness from Jillian’s season and a Red Bull. He was a merger guy in Chicago, but wasn’t fulfilled. Now he is an aspiring screenwriter. And lives either in Paris or with his Mom and Dad in Geneva, Illinois. I lost track. In a Bachelor history first, he climbs out of the limo sun roof to win Ali’s heart. I think we have some serious editing going on when it comes to Frankie. I predict he will go far.
Internet Account Executive
San Antonio, TX
Why we remember him: Hunter introduced himself and then proceeded to tell Ali he had to go inside to pee. Nice. The next time we see him, he has a ukulele in his hands. Immediately, I get a shiver down my spine as images of He Who Must Not Be Named flood my subconscious. So help me if he says anything about how they say love don’t come easy, I’ll…
Calm down Lincee. It’s a ukulele. He’s either going to recite something funny or play Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” How bad can it be?
Turns out, I give it a mediocre thumbs up. He sang about loving the outdoors, hunting, fishing and something about a hot tub. However, he totally endeared himself to me when he assumed Coiffed Craig was wearing a toupee and later called him cocky.
Why we remember him: Jason starts off memorably by stepping out on the wrong side of the limo, climbing on top and back flipping off onto the ground. (Touché Frank. Touché.) We never learn anything about him other than his sarcastic comments to everyone else about everyone else. You know how I love the sarcasm. Hated to seem him go.
Status: No Rose
Why we remember him: Poor Jay is the first recipient this season of having a bless his heart moment. He’s a lawyer with his Dad and brothers. A family that sues together, stays together. Oh Jay. Bless your heart. Plus, he admits that he digs the way she left the show for her job. C’mon Jay. Did no one tell you she yelled, “JUST KIDDING” and “quit” her job to be the Bachelorette? You are an attorney! Get on Hulu like Dr Pepper Lip Smaker Derek did and do your research man!
Status: No rose
Why we remember him: Have you ever met a peculiar man?
Yeah. Didn’t’ go over so well for sweet Jesse either. Then he reminds us he is just an infant by revealing that the suit Ali just complimented is the first he’s ever purchased. But if carving a heart out of wood with your trusty jigsaw and fashioning it to a leather cord is good enough for Ali to give him a rose, then it’s good enough for me.
Hotel Business Management
Why we remember him: John C. thought that the appropriate thing to do in order to make Ali remember him was to get down on one knee upon meeting her for the first time ever and propose with a cubic zirconium ring. Ali thought that was awesome. I threw up in a bucket.
Engineering Software Sales
Kansas City, MO
Why we remember him: [Crickets chirping.]
Status: No rose
Why we remember him: I’m not sure if this came across last night, but Jonathan is a weatherman. Did you get that? Not only does he shave with an electric razor, but pink apparently makes his eyes pop on camera. I’d love to know his nighttime routine of removing his eye makeup. Oh…and he hates Coiffed Chris.
Why we remember him: The head of this entertainment wrestler’s opponent (who weighed all of 140 pounds) was being smashed into a turn buckle as he sent a message out to all the other Bachelors. “Be scared. BE VERY SCARED.”
Then we see him on crutches with his sweet Mama and little Italian Granny.
The only thing that is scaring me right now is the soul patch under your lip Justin.
During one-on-one time with Ali, Justin casually loosens his tie, pops open his shirt to reveal his entertainment wrestler alter ego logo: R-RATED!
R-Rated: “I’m gonna lay the smack down on every guy in that room who even looks at you! Rated-R is gonna go down Know Your Role Boulevard, hang a right at Jabroni Drive and proceed to check their candy asses in at the Smackdown Hotel. Know you role and shut your mouth. If you smell… what R-Rated is cookin’!”
Then some dude we don’t know comes and steals Ali away and R-Rated is forced to crutch back inside to a group of men who were either scowling or pointing and laughing at him.
Coiffed Craig: “For real? You are a wrestler?”
R-Rated: “Entertainment wrestler. Why is that funny?”
Coiffed Craig: “Did you put her in a head lock and threatened to dump her in the pool?”
Poor Justin is feeling PG-13-Rated at best when Our Host Chris Harrison comes in with a masculine box and asks all of the dudes to write the name down of someone in the group who is NOT here for the right reasons.
I’m detecting a theme for this year’s season.
Several bad one-on-one moments later, the big burly bald guy who watched Roz pack her clothes up and escorted her to the Crown Victoria last year brought Our Host the name of the guy who was hated most.
ABC wanted us to believe it was Coiffed Chris, the Weatherman or Sarcastic Jason. But alas, PG-13 Rated was voted off the island.
PG-13: “Wow. Really? That’s ridiculous.”
OHCH: “Ali, you have a decision to make. You can choose to send PG-13 home immediately or you can choose to trust and give him a rose and he’s safe through the rose ceremony. Take some time and talk to this gentleman.”
PG-13 and Ali hobble off for some alone time.
PG-13: “I’m floored. You are the reason I am here.”
Ali: “Why did they pick you?”
PG-13: “It’s the entertainment wrestling. They think I’m here for my career. No one even knows we have entertainment wrestling in Canada. And how am I supposed to do it with a broken ankle?”
Ali: “Funny you mention that. The broken ankle might be a problem for me. You see, I like to be cradled, twirled and held all the time. Piggy backs are my life. How long will you be in that cast?”
PG-13: “Maybe another week or so?”
Ali: “Alright. You can stay.”
Status: Redemption Rose
Advertising Account Executive
San Luis Obispo, CA
Why we remember him: Kasey’s real name is Krull–Warrior King and Protector of Hearts. He will never allow another woman to hurt in his presence.
Why we remember him: Kirk has more craft project moves than Martha Stewart. Not only did he make Ali a rose out of the red paper napkin masquerading as a handkerchief in his breast pocket, but he took eight hours away from his diligent biking schedule to make her a scrapbook.
Let’s all agree with Coiffed Chris that this was a chach thing to do. But can’t we all also agree that we are relieved that the scrapbook wasn’t totally about Ali? How many of you were afraid that there would be pages and pages of random cut out pictures of Ali from US Weekly and the Enquirer? Or perhaps strands of her hair he snagged moments before when he hugged her at the limo? All I’m saying is that it could have been worse. Was it ideal? No. But let’s give him another shot.
Middle of Nowhere, CO
Why we remember him: Sweet Kyle needs himself a woman. And he’s going to beat her over the head with his club and drag her to Colorado if he has to! Or he can add her to the abundant animal mounts that already exist in his ice fishing cabin. I spy a deer, bobcat, quail, duck, pheasant, turtle, shark, possum and ground hog. For a split second, I was afraid the bulldog was stuffed too, but never fear. His tongue was wagging.
In other exciting news, Kyle tells one of the Bachelors we don’t know that he is going to ingest the first impression rose and become one with Ali. You know he has a pretty big knife strapped to his calf. Had Legends of the Fall made it through to the next round, I’d warn all the Bachelors to keep a sharp eye on their scalps if they know what’s good for them.
Status: No Rose
Why we remember him: I had some notes on Phil. They were boring. Consider yourself spared.
Status: No rose
Roberto or Robert-O
Why we remember him: Robert-O spoke Spanish AND offered to salsa dance with Ali upon their first meeting. Ali thought he was S-E-X-Y and was thrilled when he came to steal her away from Legends of the Fall trying to put a fish hook in her dress. He offered her his jacket and asked what she wanted in life. She answered, “True love.” Robert-O was smitten. Ali was smitten. Then they danced. And he complimented her.
Note: How many times do I have to tell the men reading this recap…LEARN TO DANCE.
Ali gives him the first impression rose because he is sweet, he made her laugh and he made her feel at ease. The others call him Rico Suave.
Why we remember him: Steve got out of the limo and was very disappointed that Ali was not wearing her signature yellow dress.
Ali: “I know, right? Thank you so much for noticing! They said that everyone would expect me to wear yellow, so I should wear something else. They gave me this black monstrosity. Not only is the train all wet and the arms don’t stay up, but there’s a Bedazzled bunny tail covering my back tat. What is that about?”
Steve, having never been so close to a woman before, curtsies and heads inside the house to hide.
Why we remember him: This southern boy has a killer accent. But alas, he’s the token recent divorcé who as inappropriately decided to find love after being away from his ex-wife for two months. He is charming though.
Why we remember him: Tyler is proud of his cowboy boots. And he was excited to tell Ali that he loved that she loved cowboy boots too. And he recalled how she too wore cowboy boots on her first night out of the limo. And he thinks that is awesome. Ali coolly replied that she was in fact NOT wearing cowboy boots and that the real tragedy was that Tyler M. was wearing a black suit with brown boots.
Status: No Rose
Why we remember him: In the words of The Who and the original CSI series… “Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?”
There we have it. Seventeen guys ready and waiting to give Ali a piggy back all over Tahiti! There will be tears. There will be a fake photo shoot. There will be an ambulance. And someone dramatically leaves.
I’m calling it. Right now. This season has potential. I’m pumped.
All about the shame, not the fame,