‘The Bachelorette’ Andi recap: Close your eyes…plug your ears

Andi and Boyz II Men

I think it’s appropriate to use the opening paragraph of this recap in order to address the biggest conundrum from Sunday night’s episode. I ask you, dear reader, how ABC searched high and low across America and ended up with a gaggle of males from various backgrounds, beliefs, wardrobe styles and hair products, who couldn’t carry a tune even if it was injected into the tanning machine and sprayed all over them. NOT ONE. Tasos was the farthest away from tone deaf, but even he hit some wonky notes at the end of his run that made Boyz II Men wince. Instead of making a wish, the audience should have closed their eyes and plugged their ears.

The good news is that Andi lives in the same vocal range (read: nonexistent) and pretty much swayed to the made up melodies of her wannabe boy band suitors. It’s unknown how Opera transformed the distinct, smooth R&B sound of Boyz II Men into something a rather rotund woman with a horned helmet and pigtail braids would sing, but he succeeded nonetheless.

He was totally in the zone. A sweet, tiny zone that only exists in his imagination.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Our Host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and is greeted with rousing applause from the bachelors. Harrison is used to this and takes a moment for the crowd to settle down to a dull roar. He does NOT explain the weird, distressed grey jacket that he has paired with a simple grey t-shirt, but DOES explain that Andi has made her way Santa Barbara and few lucky gents will get to join her there for some fun, some embarrassing and some weird dates. He drops the date card and confidently strolls toward his limo where the Boyz anxiously await to begin an evening of whiskey swilling and balcony serenading.

First One-On-One
Nicky V.
“Let’s Ride Off Into the Sunset”

Our first impression rose winner is the recipient of the one-on-one date card. He runs upstairs to change from his pink and white gingham oxford into what I thought was a deep v-neck Henley, but upon further inspection discovered that it was a normal Henley unbuttoned down to there. It was a bit Guido for me, but I soon didn’t care because I was distracted by Andi’s tiny white shorts that are so far stuck up her rear that I worried someone gave her an atomic wedgie as a cruel joke.

That would have made sense had the wedgie not remained perfectly intact the entire date. “Well that can’t be comfortable,” I thought as she rode around Santa Barbara on a bicycle.

Andi and Nicky agree that extravagant dates are soooo overrated as they pedal around the beach. They splash in the surf and Andi is intrigued to learn that Nicky is not desperate for love. If it happens, it happens.

Challenge accepted.

At this point in my recap, I would typically gloss right over the nonsense filmed from the mansion when the dudes discuss the likelihood of the one-on-oner dude coming back with a rose. But I must point something out that forced me to rewind a pause.

I’m still trying to decide on whether or not I like Marcus, but the combination of chest hair and amazing abs is certainly helping his case. Who knew all that was under those piercing blue eyes and Ivy League blazers?

Back to Andi and Nick. They are hiking through rocks and ravines now, making their way to a picnic spread on top of a plateau. Wedgie check: still there. It’s a feat of engineering that is quickly impressing me!

Nicky is pounding the vino and Andi has changed into a hoodie with a jean vest as the outer layer. Look alive people. Jean vests are back, although it’s unclear if the Guess? logo makes you feel as cool as it once did in 1984.

Andi encourages Nicky to be vulnerable and just say what he feels when he feels it because A) nobody’s getting any younger and B) this show isn’t very long. Nick admits that he has a crush and Andi swoons. They hike some more, displaying perfect dexterity as they maneuver twists, turns, crouches and rock slides, all while holding tight to their glasses of wine.

Continuing the theme of “extravagant dates are soooo overrated,” Andi greets Nick in front of the Santa Barbara courthouse and treats him to a fancy dinner on the veranda.
Andi gives him a purposeful stare and asks the question all singles girls want to ask available 30-year-old men.

Andi: “Why are you wearing a puffy collared trench coat when it’s hot outside?”

Jk kidding y’all. Jk kidding.

Andi: “So how is it that you are still single? Why hasn’t someone snatched you up by now?”

Nick explains. Back in the day, he dated his high school sweetheart for seven years before breaking up with her and practically getting engaged to a rebound five seconds later. He realized he had made a mistake, has since checked his ego and is looking for someone who completes him. He thinks that having one soul mate is unromantic and prefers to stick it out with the person you choose, even though you know you could choose someone else at any moment.

That explanation is as convoluted as Dylan’s crunchy hair, but what I think we need to take away is that Nicky is willing to give Andi the opportunity to deem herself worthy as the one he chooses. Whether he knows it or not, he has officially turned the tables to make Andi more worried about HIM CHOOSING HER than her choosing him.

She gives him the rose and he leans in for the kiss. They saunter up the stairs to a balcony (MESNICK ALERT). He sidles up behind her in a very intimate position, kissing her neck and bare shoulders. She tries to kiss his neck back but it is covered by the puffy collar to protect him from the frigid gusts of wind. She settles on a normal kiss on the lips. It was very natural and sweet.

GROUP DATE
“Let’s stat things off on the right note!”
Coach Brian
Marquel
Beefcake Cody
Tasos
Brett the Hairdresser
Ron
Opera
Josh
Eric
Andrick
Patdrew
Marcus

Marcus is irritated that he didn’t get a one-on-one. Cody is pumped that they may be doing karaoke and Josh flashes a huge grin and monogrammed biceps to the entire viewing audience, sparking a spirited debate on the IHGB website.

According to hundreds of responses I received, I’ve learned that Josh’s tattoos are the initials of family members. I’m sure that is accurate information, but I think it’s more fun to go with some of the more elaborate guesses from the comments section of my website:

Sara: RDM: Rose-Dominating Man / LJM: Leaves Just Me

Lily: RDM: Right Damn Motives / LJM: Super Justice Man

Trisha: RDM: Red Dawg Man / LJM: Sexy Josh Murray (the “L” looked like and “S” to me too!)

The dudes scramble into a limo headed for Santa Barbara where Andi stands in a silky top, tiny shorts and a gold necklace that looks like a weapon from Game of Thrones. They are at a world renowned classical music training center which is like the Mother Ship calling Opera home.

Here’s the catch. Andi has invited her good friends (read: Our Host Chris Harrison’s good friends) Boyz II Men to mold the young breed standing before them into soulful, sexy musicians.

It pained me that the reaction upon seeing B2M was so mediocre. Aside from Marquel nearly peeing his pants, all the white dudes seemed unfazed. All except Opera who was too distracted preparing his voice for competition by sipping herbal tea with honey.

The Men starting singing in that harmony we all know and love. They were smooth, confident and sounded as good as ever. Hello again 1991. I’ve missed you.

Being in the presence of such greatness, the guys start showing some respect. We even get a few antidotes from Coach Brian and Eric.

Coach: “Boyz II Men made me fall in love in seventh and eighth grade.”

Eric: “I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt during a Boyz II Men song.”

Opera is in his element and belts out a few bars to prove it. I do my best to ignore him AND Cody’s hot pink Keds, but it’s near impossible. They’re just so loud. Both the singer and the shoes.

The contestants practice with their assigned Man and it’s clear that everyone is in for a loooooong afternoon. There were lost notes, broken mirrors, monotone riffs, painful runs, questionable looks and one Opera guy with a tuning fork in the corner. That’s about as good as it’s going to get. The bachelors are suited up in vintage Boyz II Men costuming, complete with matching cardigans and backwards ball caps, and are paraded out to a crowd of fanatics who just scored a free mini concert from one of the best boy bands ever! Which was then followed by a band of buffoons who can barely muster double digits on YouTube. All of the bachelors were awful. Not one stood out.

Andi changes into a one shoulder hot pink number and toasts the guys for trying super hard on the singing challenge. Then she takes Cody away and tells him that the other guys have told her that he has a girlfriend. Just before the rather large vein popped in his neck, Andi yelled, “PSYCHE” and giggled into her gin and tonic.

I don’t get it.

She visits with Patdrew, Eric and tells Marquel her favorite color is black. (Represent Marquel!) Josh takes her to an outdoor couch by the fire and pretends to be nervous in front of her again. He tells her that he can’t stand not being alone with her every day and then he leans in for a major kiss. I am quite certain I could describe his tongue in great detail to a sketch artist if needed, because I got up close and personal with it through HDTV. What I didn’t expect was the noises that he made while jamming it in her mouth. It’s like he was eating a really good sandwich. I mean REALLY good sandwich. He told her he liked her. Through kissing of course. She asked what he liked and he answered everything.

Highly unlikely, but Andi will take it. Josh gets the rose.

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE

The poor pantsapreneur gets the worst date in franchise history. Which is fitting only because he’s wearing the worst pants in franchise history. Andi wastes half a day transforming them into old people, and I have to hand it to the makeup artist — JJ legitimately looked 85-years-old when all was said and done. Sure that’s talent, but it’s not really the look you’re going for while on a date with someone you barely know. Nothing says sexy time like liver spots and hairy moles.

Screen shot 2014-06-02 at 11.14.17 PMFor the next 30 minutes, we have to watch Andi and JJ talk, walk and act like old people in a park. It was ridiculously boring. JJ tried to stay in character by kissing his bride of 50 years but Andi was totally wigged out. She actually said, “I can’t kiss you when you look like that.” JJ somehow took this as a compliment.

They return to their 20-something selves for dinner. Andi is in all white. JJ is in a pair of pants that only a pantsepreneur would wear. He admits he was a dork in high school, dated a fellow she-dork and went off to college where their collective brain power was too much for the couple so they broke up. My guess is that she beat him in the annual Physics Bowl. Andi loves that he is quirky and unique and gives him the rose.

TWO SIDE NOTES

Ron, the guy from Nashville with Israeli roots, received a phone call that a good family friend  passed away, so he left the show. Everyone bro hugged him on the way out, but we didn’t see Andi give any goodbye.

Dylan shared his sad history with Farmer Chris. Both his sister and brother passed away from drug overdoes within four years of each other. It was an awful situation and Farmer Chris did a great job consoling his coiffed friend who looks like a beefier version of Edward Burns.

COCKTAIL PARTY
Andi addresses the bachelors in a thin, flowy purple frock, explaining that she is sad Ron is gone and thanks each of them for putting their lives on hold for her. During her alone time with Eric, a huge bouquet of flowers is delivered to the alcove. They are from Nick. She hoists the large arrangement onto her hip, finds Nick and drags him outside where she thanks him for the kind gesture by seducing him on the front porch steps. He just wanted to do something that he would normally do on a date. No big deal.

This just in. The bow tie is the new square neck tank. Carry on.

JJ is upset about something. I assume it was the pants he’s wearing but that wasn’t the case. He’s heard a rumor and wants to get to the bottom of it. Enter Josh.

JJ: “Dude. Can I interest you in a pair of pants?”
Josh: “Not in a million years. What’s up?”

JJ: “Did Andrick get a chick’s digits from the other night when y’all went to eat?”
Josh: “Totally.”

JJ: “We should confront him since we both have roses.”
Josh: “There’s no reason why we shouldn’t, even though I’ve known this valuable piece of information for 24 hours now. I’m a grown a$$ man and can do what I want.”

Josh and JJ find Andrick to see if he did get a number from a woman and then later brag about it. He answers by walking away, up the stairs and into a bedroom where he shuts himself in to think. The Grown A$$ man is having none of this. JJ stirs the pot and rallies the other guys into his corner.

Meanwhile, Marcus has snuck off behind a barn door (every mansion in LA has a barn door out back) to make out with Andi. Smart man.

Andrick thinks JJ is nerdy and Josh is jealous. He comes back downstairs, claiming that the waitress handed HIM her phone number. That was it. He conveniently doesn’t remember bragging about it on the way home. Patdrew is behind him, nodding in agreement. Their Be-Fri necklaces should arrive in the mail any day now.

ROSES
Nicky
JJ Pants
Josh
Marcus
Coach Brian
Marquel
Tasos
Beefcake Cody
Patdrew
Famer Chris
Eric
Dylan
Andrick

Along with Ron, Brett and Opera are also out. I blame Brett’s exit on his quiet spirit, which is strange because his bright blue blazer was so loud and flamboyant. And I didn’t expect Opera to cry such big tears at the end. But he’s a musician. The show must go on.

Of course it will go on without him and that’s okay.

Thanks for your patience with this recap. Tomorrow’s will hopefully be up earlier.

Until then I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

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