‘Bachelorette Andi’ recap: Oui are bored
I was distracted from the get-go by this episode. Once Andi gathered her haphazard faction of suitors and whisked them off to southern France, I couldn’t get over the fact that she (and everyone else on the show) pronounced Marseille, “mar-say” instead of “mar-sigh” as I have always pronounced it. Instead of listening to Andi wax on and off about how she is in love with four bros and one dork, I found myself contemplating if this was just an East Texas thing? Should I question my education? Should I push pause and take a poll among the girls around me? Should I…
Suddenly he was there. Sitting with Andi at a darling bistro. It was the only thing that could snap me out of my distraction. Harrison in a turtle neck will do that to a warm-blooded person.
According to Andi, France is the epitome of romance and charm. And so are black, pleated leather miniskirts. When Harrison asks her if she’s falling in love, she giggles into her coffee mug, imploring him to sttttttaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhppppp.
Yes. Please stop.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
The bros have made their way to their hotel, shouting every French word they know at the top of their lungs. Merci! Bonjour! Oui! Fries! Dressing! One runs off to scout the garden tub situation while the others squish onto tiny couches and chairs in the central living space so JJ the Pants Guy can formally announce that Josh is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one date.
He is super excited to put on his black shirt and the tightest pants he owns – his grey baseball ones from when he was 17-years-old. Andi is equally excited to put on a peach flowy top with the tightest pants she owns – her white jeans from when she was 7-years-old.
They walk through the streets, two kids from Atlanta, “mare-see’ing” everyone they meet before boarding a pretty impressive boat.
Josh: “This is an amazing boat.”
Andi: “Well she certainly is yar.”
I’m just kidding. Andi didn’t say that. I was so bored that my thoughts drifted to Failure to Launch, one of the many movies that displays the manly ruggedness of my beloved Bradley Cooper.
In case you didn’t know by the tagline that careens across the screen when Josh has a talking head moment, he’s a former baseball player. He mumbles through a barrage of passionate kisses, bragging that he was a second round pick, fourth overall. When they came up for air, he asked Andi was she was good at. Her answer was mind games.
Based on her manipulation of The Farmer later on during the group date, this does not surprise me. However, I was extremely proud that neither of them marched to the bow of the ship to claim one was king of the world.
I’ve resorted to counting the small victories. And we’re about 20 minutes in. Lord give me strength.
That’ll do it. MOVING ON.
Andi and Josh head over to the Calanques, which are great big cliffs/rocks that overlook the Mediterranean Sea. The ABC Intern schlepped a one-person smoking bench from the Hotel Intercontinental courtyard so our love birds can talk about traveling and how hard life is being a professional athlete. Andi totally gets it. She’s dated many, including Juan Pablo.
Of course, Andi is no idiot. She can see the red flags waving all around like an enthusiastic World Cup audience member. There is a ton of chemistry, but can there be more?
The best way to find out if the guy is only physically attracted to you is to put on the second outfit your brought that looks like you’re prepping for open heart surgery. In fact, this one also preps for spine surgery and features a little side boob. It’s the perfect wardrobe choice for a nice, simple dinner in a castle. Everyone knows this.
Andi and Josh talk about being cheated on and that it’s been FOREVER since he dated anyone. He said he would never tell anyone one he loved them unless he knew for a fact that he was going to marry them. He hasn’t felt that way…until he came here.
Andi gives him the rose, hands him a scalpel and takes him to a private concert with Ben Fields and his sidekick The Cello Player. Andi and Josh sway back and forth on the concert-mandated Persian rug, complete with candelabras at every corner. Josh tells her she is amazing and that he can’t stop smiling.
Clearly it’s because of the whitening cream on his teeth, but Andi makes out with him anyway.
JJ the Pants Guy
Again, I found myself befuddled during the entire exchange of Dylan reading the group date card. And it wasn’t because the guys were trying to figure out the cryptic (read: non-existent) message from Andi. It was a simple heart with her name, but JJ the Pants Guy was convinced something was written in invisible ink. I didn’t really care. I was determined to figure out why Andrick kept winking whenever he was in the shot? Every time! Does he have a nervous twitch? Is Patdrew across the table? We’ll never know.
Andi greets the nine hommes wearing her most flattering black bando bra under a lacy top, with black leggings that are not pants and four-inch heels, which is exactly what I would choose to wear when exploring Mar-Say/Mar-Sigh.
Andi: “The biggest thing when it comes to relationships is communication. And sometimes I like to communicate non-verbally!”
Cody puts on chapstick. The Farmer blushes. Nick gives her an assuring nod. Patdrew and Andrick gaze in each other’s eyes.
Instead of seven minutes in heaven, Andi makes them change into Audrey Hepburn outfits, complete with bowler hats and or berets. It’s time to mime. And if you think it’s easy then YOU TRY IT.
Let me put it to you plainly. This date was a joke. And I spent the majority of the time hidden behind my own hands because other people were leaning against the couch cushions and I didn’t want to be rude by snatching them up from behind their backs. Marquel made babies cry. The Farmer committed but it translated more as dorktacular. Nick sulked. Cody scared children. I knew it was over when JJ the Pants Guy started re-enacting the other worst date of franchise history – his old people date from two weeks ago.
Palate cleanse. I need a palate cleanse.
That’s better. It gives me enough strength to talk about Andi’s two-inch iridescent glittery skirt. That she paired with a sweater. Arctic on the top, Senior Frogs on the bottom. Nice.
JJ the Pants Guy grabs her immediately and takes her to the Ferris wheel right outside the cocktail party venue. Andi looks concerned. I’m not sure if it was because she is afraid of heights or that she’s nervous everyone standing below the glass Ferris wheel bucket will spy her nether regions due to the aforementioned two-inch iridescent glittery skirt. Insert your own, “I see London, I see France” joke here. JJ the Pants Guy makes out with her around the ten o’clock mark and she looks miserable. How he gets the date rose is beyond me. Are his pants making her demented?
Meanwhile, Cody “confronts” Nick for thinking he is closer to Andi than any of the other hound dogs. Patdrew jumps on that bandwagon, because he needs to feel included.
Patdrew: “Arrogance is not a quality a gentleman bestows. Neither is messy hair. I’m looking at you Dylan.”
I have to agree. Dylan needs to be the next participant on the Suave commercials. You know I’m right.
Cody is still irritated that Nick has no qualms about admitting that he thinks he is the front runner. This makes the vein in Cody’s head pop. Andi walks in at that exact moment and detects tension. She doesn’t want to participate in the house drama. So she recruits The Farmer to spill his guts. The Farmer is a sweet guy, and refuses to speak negatively about anyone in the house.
Andi: “If you were my husband, I would expect you to tell me everything.”
Ugh. When is this season over?
Poor Farmer and Cody tattle on Nick for being mean. Andi confronts the front runner and scolds him for not playing the game right.
Andi: “Tell me what’s happening in there. I can feel when stuff is going on.”
Lincee: “Or your torture The Farmer by whispering sweet nothings. Same thing.”
She pulls the “if I was your wife” card with Nick and he tells a story that matches both Cody and The Farmer. (This does not stop Andi from ordering a lie detector test next week.) Andi begins to doubt Nick’s intentions, but all melts away when he recites a poem he wrote for her. The snide facial expression turns into adoration and then she begs him to kiss her.
This is what dreams are made of people. That original work will be in a book of poetry by the end of the season.
Marcus is still trying to stay in the game. He tells Andi that she is worth going to the end of the world, miming or stripping, because he’s falling in love with her. He seals the deal with a slo-mo tongue kiss that we rewound twice just so the others, who missed the moment as they were thumbing through Instagram because of this BORING EPISODE, would understand why we were all screaming at the television. It was the first action sequence of the night.
In other dramatic news, JJ the Pot Stirer tells Marquel that on the first rose ceremony, someone heard Andrick say that Andi had given roses to the two “blackies.” Marquel confronted Andrick in front of the other guys, explaining that he thought the comment was extremely offensive. Andrick adamantly denied the accusation. Marquel calmly explained that he was sensitive when it came to race issues, and he wanted to respect the men he was surrounded by. Andrick denied it again and told him that he treated everyone with the same amount of respect.
Marquel heard the response, gave Andrick the benefit of the doubt, encouraged everyone to get their party on and left the boozing area with a straight spine and huge smile.
I agree with Dylan. Marquel handled it like a man.
And according to a handful of people who texted, called and emailed me last night, some of you think that Marquel is being groomed to be the next Bachelor. I’m thinking Bachelor Paradise. Graham can’t be the only non d-bag there. Thoughts?
Second One-On-One Date
Andi is excited to go out with Coach. It’s going to be low key, fun and pretty much a 20-minute commercial for a cooking movie called The Hundred-Foot Journey. It’s backed by Oprah and Spielberg, so ABC really didn’t have a choice in this matter.
Andi thinks that cooking a meal in her apartment would be just as romantic as the movie. She didn’t anticipate Coach mentally breaking down at the thought of cracking an egg. It also didn’t help that she burned and entire pan of water. Andi is irritated that the macho guy who took her into his arms at half court is clearly afraid of frog legs.
Needless to say, their romantic dinner was neither romantic nor edible. They decided to eat out and that’s when Coach came alive again. He apologized for turtling earlier. He was just stressed.
To quote my friend Carrie: “Life is going to get more stressful than cooking, dude.”
Once again Coach beats himself up for not seizing the moment to kiss the girl. She gives him the green light to seize her whenever he wants, so he does. Sha-la-la-la-la-la don’t be scared Coach.
Now is the time where we discuss Andi’s hair. A collective interjection of a concerned, “WHOA!” issued forth from our viewing party when Andi stepped out of the limo.
Or should I say brunette Elsa? Tell me I’m wrong.
A. She totally YouTube’d that business.
B. We get it Disney. Frozen is the best thing since…since…
Clap us out Bradley. Clap us out.
Harrison glides into the bachelor holding area, his neck fully exposed. He smelled like bourbon, respect and Christmas.
OHCH: “I have a limo waiting for three of you outside. There will be no cocktail party. For you at least. I’ll be out the bar. Harrison – out.”
Along with Josh, JJ the Pants Guy and Coach, roses go to
I think it’s fitting that Andrick and Patdrew get to share a rejection limo back to the airport. I also think that Marquel is going to go places (cough – Paradise Island – cough). And if not, he’ll be TOTALLY FINE. America fell in love with that dude last night. But the fact that Beefcake Cody and JJ the Pants Guy are still around is an enigma to me.
Who’s ready to go to
Vienna? Venice? (Apparently I still had pencils jammed in my ears and I heard wrong!) Will Dylan be featured in the next Suave commercial? Did anyone else see the Paradise Island promo and feel itchy? Sound off in the comments.
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,