I hope that adage is true, because this season’s forgo card fantasy suite episode was a SNOOZE FEST. Instead of boring you with plebeian details of Andi’s attraction to two boys and her affection for one manly farmer, I decided to evaluate the night using amateur photos taken with my iPhone. Let’s start at the very beginning.

Andi arrives in the Dominican Republic. I know it’s the Dominican Republic because she told me a least a dozen times in the opening montage. It’s the perfect place to fall in love, wear a side ponytail and narrow down her dating life from a trio to a duo.

One suitcase. That’s all it takes. All she needs is a formal rose ceremony dress, 27 mis-matched bikinis, a pair of denim panties and several billowy tops. That should hold her for the next 48 hours for sure.

The first 15 minutes of the show were reserved for reflection time. Who is Andi? Is there more to Josh? Is Nick hiding something? Should The Farmer get dinner before he gets the boot?

These are things we must ponder before getting to the first fantasy date. Nick scored one-on-one time with Andi on a private beach. Naturally they have to take a helicopter to get there. And then this happened.

Those pesky Madonna mics always get in the way when trying to make out with someone in a helicopter. You’d think they would have figured that out by now. Nick is super excited because he’s never been in a helicopter before. They take in the scenery.

This shot resulted in a clever reTweet from Tracie who originally Tweeted Erin:

My thoughts exactly my friend. Kudos to the ABC Intern for going above and beyond.

Nick and Andi spend the entire day on the beach. Andi thinks Nick has a hot body and reveals that their chemistry is so passionate, it’s like adult romance.

Huh. As opposed to teenage romance? Or did she mean adult romance novel? I’m not sure where she was going, but I felt confident that we were about to experience a “From Here to Eternity” beach moment. We did not. Instead, she quizzed him on heartbreak and I counted how many times he used the word “like” in his answer. He has surpassed Andi, with a record-breaking 47. I made that number up, but I’m confident it is close to accurate. MOVING ON!

After snorkeling, Andi and Nick head to dinner. Nick was wearing red pants.

Come on dude. Why would you even go there? Red pants are SACRED wardrobe territory. I give you Ames.

And I give you Ames.

Where was I?

Right. Nick and his book. According to our red pant poser, one of the normal things to do as a guy from the Midwest pursuing a girl is to write her a story. I didn’t believe him for a second. So I asked the Twitterverse for confirmation.

And these were my two favorite responses:

Nick presents Andi with a story/book he wrote for her, complete with watercolor drawings of their fairytale. She LOVED every second of it. I fast forwarded every second of it. She rewards him with a kiss and then Nick pulls her away to a tree to tell her all the things that he loves about her, before wrapping up his epic monolog with a simple, “I love you.” She reciprocated by pressing him up against a palm tree.

You may recall, it’s her go-to move with Nick.

She grabs his pockets. He grabs her butt. I grab the remote. Let’s move on to Josh!

I’m sorry this screen shot does not adequately portray the ridiculousness of these shorts. You’ll have to trust me when I say they looked inside out.

Andi decides to take Josh around town so she can figure out if he has a serious side. They mingle with street vendors and one convinces Josh to purchase this:

Josh smiles, take a shot mixed with this stuff and then speaks perfect Spanish to the vendors. Andi’s head explodes. ¡Ay, caramba! Muy caliente! She picks her jaw up off the ground as Josh drags her to the middle of the street to dance.

1. We all know Andi can’t dance.
2. How many times will they make her dance this season?
3. She doesn’t care as long as Josh whispers sweet Spanish nothings in her ear.

Andi takes Josh to a Dominican Republic version of a Little League baseball field. Since he knows the game, and he speaks the language, every one of the little boys in the entire village immediately fall in love with him.

I may have heard Andi’s uterus quiver.

Josh seals the “is he serious?” deal at dinner by telling Andi that she would be a great Mom and that he can’t wait to get married and have a family. She goes through the formality of handing him a skeleton key and the forgo card that was clearly NOT written by Our Host Chris Harrison so they can get to know each other better (read: test the accuracy of the Mamajuana.) The ABC Intern arranges for some fireworks to be set off just as they arrive at the fantasy suite. It’s the least he could do since Nick scored an entire day on a private beach.

Andi and Josh head to the pool.

Note: Your teeth should not be brighter than the Day-Glo trim of your swim trunks.

DATE THREE!

Note: Jeeps are hot. And anyone driving one is therefore hot too.

The Farmer pulls up to greet Andi and she hugs him with the affection of a distant relative who just gave her a savings bond at her bat mitzvah. This does not bode well for our farming friend.

They stroll down a path and find two horses at the end.

Andi, knowing what the date entails because she is the bachelorette, has chosen her white pair of denim panties and a reconstructed oversize scarf as her wardrobe of choice for this endeavor. The Farmer helps her up on her horse and gives her basic Riding 101 before traveling the countryside to take in the local agriculture.

Let me be clear. This:

is not even in the same vicinity as this:

That’s a water buffalo by the way. I Googled it.

They arrive at the designated old log in the middle of nowhere for their picnic. Andi talks about how wonderful his family is and that she loved meeting them. And then for some unknown reason, The Farmer suggests they play Ghost in the Graveyard.

While Nick was doing this:

And Josh was doing this:

The Farmer was doing this:

Poor guy.

That night Andi takes him to bed. Literally.

She eases in to the conversation by asking what was his favorite part of the day? “GETTING CHIGGERS!” I screamed at the TV. Not so much. Instead The Farmer eloquently tells Andi that he’s in love with her and she is the one for him. She in turn says that he is not the one and it’s not because of Iowa. It’s because she’s just not feeling it from a foundation level. She can’t get her head and her heart on the same page.

The Farmer appreciates and respects her honestly. It’s harvest time and he needs to get back to the farm. That corn isn’t going to pick itself. He graciously leaves. No dinner. No hot tub. No tree kissing. Nothing.

He was this close to crying in the rejection limo, but he held it together. I’m quite confident he will be the next Bachelor if he wants the gig.

Andi puts on her flowiest hot pink caftan and hooks up with Our Host Chris Harrison in the makeshift Pier One Bureau room/veranda the last 15 minutes of the show to rehash the previous hour and 45 minutes. Long story short: if she had to do it again, Josh and Nick would be the final two standing.

The boys arrive in their island casual attire. Josh is sweating buckets. Nick is planning the last two chapters of his story. And both get roses from Andi.

That would have been The Farmer’s rejection dinghy. It’s a good thing she let him go the night before.

And then there were two. Remember, this is a spoiler-free zone. Who do you think she will choose next week? Will Nick get to finish his adult love story? Should Josh lay off the Crest White Strips for a few weeks? Do you think The Farmer will be the next bachelor? Is it possible for Andi to wear denim panties three weeks in a row? We shall see!