‘The Bachelorette’ Andi recap: SHE’S EXHAUSTED
We are down to 13 guys and Andi like totally has feelings for like more than one dude. She is taking this road show to New England, y’all, because everyone knows that Connecticut is the perfect place to fall in love. They have steam trains and the oldest Inn in America. And they have dozens of sailboats that make for sweet backgrounds for b-roll footage.
The guys bust through the door of their fancy suite. Most are wearing traveling scarves, floppy hats and metro glasses because contacts get dry at 30,000 feet. I’m sure the six burly ones who squished into a jacuzzi tub could take that moment back, but unfortunate decisions are forever. Especially when they are captured on national television.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
“Our Relationship is Picking Up Steam”
You may recall that Dylan is the one who shared with Farmer Chris that both his brother and sister passed away from a drug overdose. He is clearly still healing from the tragedy and he knows it shows all over his face. He holds his emotions deep inside. We get a meek smile when Andi stops Bogarting the train whistle and finally gives him a turn. Plus, he doesn’t seem to be a bit irritated that Andi has chosen to wear leggings as pants.
The Hogwarts Express chugs down the tracks and Dylan stares out the window at a river he used to swim across when he was a boy. He occasionally asks Andi questions but most of their time is spent in silence. She can tell that something huge is weighing him down.
Andi: It’s obvious that you are nervous. What’s going on?
Dylan: I typically don’t share this with just anyone.
Lincee: Are you scared the sorting hat will put you in Slytherin?
Dylan tells the entire, sad story and Andi handles herself with as much grace and dignity that she can. She doesn’t know him well, so she can’t hug him or offer any comfort. She is sad that bringing him on a one-on-one date that just happens to be in his childhood backyard brought up bad memories, but he assures her that they are good memories. They both cry and she gives him the rose for opening up — not because she felt sorry for him.
I think his pain is still fresh and he probably came on the show to escape reality for a few weeks. He deserves to have a bit of happiness. But I’m not sure if his heart is ready for romance or an amazing journey to find love.
Who’s Got Game?
Andi welcomes her suitors to center court, offers a fun fact that Connecticut is the birth place of basketball and then dribbles down the court in heels. The guys are smitten. Josh likes a girl who can play and doesn’t mind getting dirty. Or talking dirty. Mmm, mmm, mmm. [sandwich noises]
Five WNBA players show up to school the boys. ABC-mandated “digs” are issued all around, and the girls tell the camera that “this was a warm-up” and “they are barely trying” and “they hope the boys have more game off the court than on the court.” Ba dum dum.
JJ is wearing a shirt that says JJ. I just thought I’d point that out.
Naturally Andi splits the guys into two teams. The winner will get one-on-one time with Andi and the losers go home to brood in their second place status.
Team Rosebuds has Coach Chris. Everyone thinks this is unfair because he actually coaches basketball in real life. I took this argument with a grain of salt because of what we witnessed Sunday night — Opera was totally in his wheelhouse and we all know how that turned out.
Come to find out I was wrong. Big time. Coach Brian KILLED it sinking three pointer after three pointer resulting in a victory for his team. The Five Hearts team is ticked. JJ broods in a cubby hole in the dressing room. Tasos meditates to equalize his breathing. The Farmer is looking for a silver lining and I’m marveled that every hair on Patdrew’s head is still in place. Josh is trying hard not to smash things. He was looking forward to picking up where he and Andi left off last time — horizontal. Now he has to go home and sit in a tub with five other dudes.
Andi rewards the winners with a tight, black dress that moonlights as a tank top when she sits down with Eric. She’s concerned that they aren’t progressing as they should since their first date and he agrees. He doesn’t like how formal they have to be around each other. She feels like she needs to know more about him, so he shares that he denied his religion at 27 and never looked back.
Coach Brian escorted Andi back to the basketball court and taught her how to shoot a layup. I’m quite confident ABC had to edit out the part where everyone saw her panties because there’s no way she can lift her arms without us seeing the detailed workings of her undercarriage.
Andi thinks Coach is super sexy in his environment and challenges him to try and make a shot from half court.
Coach: What will you give me if I make it?
Andi: We’ll have to see!
Coach shoots. And it’s nothing but net. Even he was a bit surprised and blushed as Andi pawned all over him and his wicked talent. She moves in to his 12-inches of personal space, ready to be swept over her feet by the athletic stud before her and Coach waves as the opportunity to kiss her passes him by. He may be great at calling plays on the court but he has zero game with women. Bless his heart.
Nicky steals her away to sneak some boyfriend time. They hold hands, giggle and make out as they compliment each other for being so compatible. He admits to the camera that he’s falling for this girl, but the camera also catches a look of loathing and a touch of crazy eye in the possessive vein when she give the date rose to Coach. He may have problems sharing with others.
“The Sky’s the Limit”
I have to give ABC big props for finding new and interesting ways to make people conquer their fear of heights. Too bad they’ve exhausted all of them and are now shoving people down the sides of buildings again, just like they did with Roberto and Ali.
I miss Roberto.
We’ve witnessed cave diving, mountain rappelling, bridge climbing and bungee jumping in the 38 seasons we’ve been watching this show. You know the drill by now. Fears must be conquered. Leaps of faith must be taken. Harnesses and helmet cams must be worn. And somewhere in there is a dangling kiss.
Andi freaks out because of the wind, which really was blowing rather blistery. I’m sure that’s concerning when you’re 30 stories high. Marcus flings himself over the edge and begins talking Andi down. He encourages her for 10 minutes before she steps one toe off the side.
Andi: OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG I CAN’T DO THIS!
Marcus: Don’t look down. Look right here.
Andi: WHY ARE YOU QUOTING DIRTY DANCING?!
Marcus asks about her mother around floor 28. He tells her she’s beautiful at floor 25 and then gets razzed by every other bachelor contestant at floor 20 because it wouldn’t be fun unless they repelled down the side of the hotel where all the boys are staying. Marcus turns pale as Coach Brian yells, “There’s no crying in repelling!”
Eric looked envious. Had he been on this date, he would have repelled down, ran back up 30 flights of stairs and then talked Andi down the rest of the way before doing it again to beat his previous time.
During dinner Marcus tells Andi that a girl broke his heart once upon a time and he hasn’t dated in three years. He covers the rose with his napkin and Andi thinks his nervousness is adorable. To ease his spirits, she gives him the rose before dragging him outside for a private concert by Jon Pardi (totally Googled that). They awkwardly sway back and forth on a platform with randos surrounding them wondering why their charming Connecticut town has been taken over by Hollywood strangers.
Before Andi can put on her mirror ball rose ceremony gown, the concierge delivers a letter from a secret admirer. Andi read the entire correspondence out loud. I can’t remember what it said because I was distracted by the creepy Unsolved Mysteries music that accompanied weird footage of meaty hands writing on hotel stationery. My guess is Beefcake Cody.
At the actual ceremony, Tasos and Marquel try to impress Andi with sweetness and humor. But it’s Coach Brian for the win. He takes her back to the court, confesses that his one regret is that he didn’t kiss her and then closes the deal with, according to Andi, a really good kiss. And JJ wears some pants that are so red, I’m convinced that Ames shops on his website.
I miss Ames.
Eric takes Andi to the bar for a heart-to-heart. He’s had time to think about her accusation that he hasn’t opened up to her. He reminds her that he shared his story about Syria, along with family history, not to mention his decision to step away from the family’s religious beliefs.
Eric: I feel that I shared some heavy stuff. There’s been some miscommunication. I feel like you’re not being real with me. I like the Andi I met on the beach. I want to see the person, not the TV actress.
Andi’s eyes squint and her lips purse.
Eric: I see two different sides to you. I mostly see a poker face.
Little darts shoot from Andi’s eyes and she begins to breathe heavily.
Andi: I respect you being open, even though this hurts. That’s all I’ve asked for. But I’m very taken aback by your assessment that I’m fake.
Eric: So you’re telling me that you have been comfortable and natural this whole time?
Andi: Of course not! But this is how it is. You have NO IDEA how hard it is to send people home. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXHAUSTED I AM.
Eric: I just think there’s a different side to you when the cameras are around. You just act…
Andi: IF YOU SAY ACT ONE MORE TIME I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND!
Newsflash: “Act” is this season’s “Eet’s okay.”
Andi: This isn’t going to work. You know it. I know it. I can’t fight for someone who doesn’t believe in me.
Eric: I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ll leave now.
Andi frigidly thanks Eric for his time and he leaves in a taxi, a bit confused, but certain that this is for the best. She then yells at the other guys that she is SO EXHAUSTED AND TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE THIS WORK, before demanding that they hit the road if they aren’t in this for the right reasons.
Moments later, Chris Harrison is seated in an staged living room with Andi. We are no longer on rose ceremony day, but it’s definitely not live footage. They wanted to address Eric’s passing. Naturally, Andi is sad that her last conversation with him was so stressful, but she offers her deepest condolences along with the rest of the ABC family. You’ve probably already seen the Today Show copy of a letter written by his sister. She describes what it feels like to see him on screen each week. It’s worth the click.
Harrison ends the segment by telling us that Tasos was the one who didn’t get the rose.
And that’s about it. Thanks to the NBA Finals, there will not be an episode next Monday night, but there is plenty of drama waiting for us the NEXT week.
Thanks for hanging in there with me again today. I apologize for the recap being so late.
I’m all about the shame, not the fame,