I’ve decided that someone over at ABC is working on an anthropological study which indicates the likelihood of an individual completely disregarding any shred of a moral compass when asked to drop trou in the name of charity. Oh you’re feeling modest about being nude with nothing but a sandwich board between you and your bikini regions? THINK ABOUT THE BABY SEALS! You’re anxious about sporting a skimpy pickle pouch in front of a rowdy group of female Hollywood tourists? TELL THAT TO THE STARVING CHILDREN?

That thesis is going to be epic. Just like last night’s shenanigans. Let’s dive in.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor of someone who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

While Andi changes into a tank top and jean shorts (she casual, she’s breezy) our group of young bucks bumble around the kitchen island stocked with enough fruits and vegetables to feed a small village in East L.A. This lavish display of nutrients can only mean one thing.

Beefcake Cody negotiated a juicing and protein shake clause into his contract.

Cocktail Craig swipes some tomato juice, a few sticks of celery, a bottle of Vodka and is enjoying his second Bloody Mary of the morning when Our Host Chris Harrison descends into the sunken living room. He takes two minutes to remind these bozos that Andi is an impressive woman before dropping the week two rules.

OHCH: “There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. You get a rose, you stay. Here’s the card.”

He uses small words so Cocktail Craig can follow.

First One-On-One
Eric
Love is Everywhere

I just can’t help but feeling sad every time Eric is on the screen. I pray that his family is able to cope, knowing their son/brother/friend can be seen every Monday night.

Plus, Eric is pretty much fascinating and basically has no fear. He went camping with a witch doctor, rode a motorcycle halfway across Africa and didn’t say anything condescending to Andi when she parked the convertible in the red zone at the beach. Just call him Mr. Poppins because he’s practically perfect in every way.

He knows how to build sand castles, fly a kite, execute a standing back flip and his blue eyes rival those of one Chris Harrison. He even has a humble answer when Andi teases him about riding in a helicopter because he’s probably done it a dozen times.

Eric: “Yes, but not with someone by my side. Isn’t the smog beautiful?”

The chopper lands on Bear Mountain. The pair exit, walking among the snow in bathing suits and flip flops. Because he is an explorer, Eric knew to grab a shirt before he left the beach and gallantly offers it to her. Before he can find two sticks to start camp fire, a lone snowboarder careens toward them and I yell at the television, “Please be Jesse from DeAHnna’s season! PLEASE!”

No such luck. It was snowboarding aficionado Louie Vito. Where do you know him from you ask? Dancing with the Stars. from a few seasons ago. You’re welcome.

In case you have forgotten, Andi is the bachelorette who is challenged by the basic step together, step together dance move, but she’s ready to shred this gnarly mountain with Eric. Louie instructs as much as his patience allow, but it’s Eric who takes the time to walk her through the mechanics of pseudo mastering the green belts while holding his hands. Let the record show that Eric is snowboarding pretty much backwards the entire time. This ain’t his first rodeo on a snow board. Andi admits that he makes her feel challenged, but also good about herself.

During dinner that night, we learn that Eric isn’t good at everything as Andi suspected. He can’t play the piano very well, which is code for, he can play the piano better than any of us, just not as well as someone who is currently attending Julliard on scholarship. She asks him about his travels. He absent-mindedly twirls her hair (in an endearing way…not an annoying way like Juan Pablo) and told her about how visiting Syria was the scariest moment of his life. She wisely asks if he would continue life-threatening adventures when he had a wife or kids and his answer was a simple no. He got the rose. I checked the channel because it was one of the most normal conversations I’ve ever witnessed and I wondered if I had accidentally switched to PBS.

Eric: “My biggest goal is to have a family. My list is short and I’ll do what I can do now because life is short.”

There may have been a few tears shed on my end.

GROUP DATE
“Let’s Bare Our Souls”
Coach Brian
Marquel
Opera Bradley
Cocktail Craig
Vidal Brett
Patdrew
Beefcake Cody
Fireman Carl
Tasos
Josh
Ron from Israel
Marcus
The Other Nick
Hair Product Dylan

After considering the clue given in the group date card, most of the dudes suspect that they will be getting naked on this date and a handful are a little too excited about this revelation. I’m looking at you Cocktail and Beefcake.

Andi stood at the top of the stairs in what my watching party deemed as an infinity shirt, looking super uncomfortable as the clan of rowdy boys clamored up the steps with the brute force of a thousand Rocky Balboas, landing at the front door of the OHM Night Club. Andi’s “friend” Steve surveyed the group with the wariness of a waitress in charge of speed dating at the lounge.

Steve: “We are going to expose you to the art of male exotic dancing. You will need a mind as open as my shirt”

Andi: “Y’all. Don’t worry. I’ve been there before. It’s for charity, so it’s okay. START THE MUSIC!”

The men were forced into a spontaneous audition. Techno music bumped to the same beat as countless pelvic thrusts. Crotches were grabbed. Unmentionables were writhed. I thrice choked on my gum, which resulted in Diet Dr Pepper spewing from my nose, and then I nearly suffocated myself from the pillow I was hiding behind. And this was just tryouts.

Steve: “Alright. We’re going to break you up into three groups and two solos. There will be cowboys, firemen, Army recruits, an aviator and a robot.”

I was puzzled by the addition of a robot to the mix of Harlequin romance novel characters. I guess if they dress someone up like Iron Man, I could support that decision. Then I decided not to donate any more brain cells to this question. Or I chose to block it out. It doesn’t matter at this point.

Carl the Firefighter was given the role of firefighter. What creative casting, ABC. Cocktail Craig was irritated that he had to be an average cowboy next to Josh who is obviously a sexy cowboy. I understand your dilemma Cocktail. Coach Brian promised his Mama he would go to church the next day. This can only mean that Coach has some moves. The Other Nick is the robot and is ready to shake his groove thing for Andi. Good luck Number 5.

The boys get ready by tanning, lubing, pumping and stuffing various body parts. The cowboys are out first and they do naughty things to folding chairs. Nick wears tin foil panties under his dorky robot suit and then bends over to show the ladies what no lady never cares nor wishes to see. It was the opposite of Iron Man. The firemen take to the audience and Harrison slides some singles into Patdrew’s man thong. I’m sure he negotiated a few extra months of vacation for that moment to be captured forever on tape. Coach Brian was letting go on stage. Meaning, he was letting go of his jacket, his hat and his pants by the last eight count. All the while muttering, “THINK OF THE CHILDREN” as he swayed to and fro.

How ironic. My friend Emily was muttering, “Make it stop!” as she swayed to and fro in the fetal position on her couch.

Marcus was the aviator and played it up really big that he was nervous to be out there by himself. He ended up thriving in the limelight but two things kept running through my mind the entire time he performed.

1. Everyone looks better in sunglasses.
2. He looks like Jake Pavelka. Ew.

Andi was thrilled that the impromptu striptease raised $213 for charity! Now we’ll be able to buy the kids boxes of pencils to last the entire school year! GO TEAM!

That night everyone gathers together to talk about what great deeds were accomplished earlier in the day and how they had to overcome certain inhibitions, but it was totally worth it to give back. Most of the guys remain mute since they are staring straight down the barrel of Andi’s boobs and she’s loving it. Finally Cocktail Chris begs her to say the toast already so he can get his drink on! She obliges and Coach Brian immediately whisks her away for some alone time. She thought he did a great job bumping his grind and is impressed by where this may lead.

Josh canoodles Andi outside and makes her cross her heart that she won’t stereotype him as the awesome athlete. He’s just a guy who happens to be a former baseball player. IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. He’s had his share of models, sure, but he’s just a normal average, hot guy who just so happens to be amazing at sports and can date anyone he wants because of the wonder that is Josh. HE CAN’T HELP IT. Don’t judge him because of his giftedness and amazing DNA. HE HASN’T DATED A GIRL IN FIVE YEARS. Of course that doesn’t count one-night stands, but that’s normal for someone with his undeniable star athlete status.

As you may recall, Andi admitted that Josh is the epitome of the studs she is used to dating and is forcing herself to branch out from the baseball diamond.

Exhibit A: Opera Man

Speaking of Opera Man, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO is what I quietly chanted as I watched him get on one knee and sing an aria to our bachelorette. She clapped because she couldn’t cry.

Cocktail Craig is three sheets to the wind at this point and is frantically scouring the grounds trying to find Andi. I feared for his life twice. Once when he took to the stairs and once when he flung himself into the pool. Everything was extremely chaotic and reinforcements had to be called in to wrangle the inebriated tax accountant.

Cocktail Chris: “I’m not drunk. You’re just blurry!”
ABC Intern: [nodding because he’s not allowed to speak on camera]

Andi is beside herself that Cocktail Craig is ruining her party and lectures a handful of guys, who clearly aren’t drunk, about how irritating it is for other people to be drunk.

Maverick Marcus seizes the opportunity to escort her outside to talk about feelings. She unloads, he listens and then they discuss how his Calvin Klein underwear was the reason the group date made that extra $25 at the end of the exotic show. Marcus agrees to donate said underwear to further help the charity. He gets the date rose.

Second One-On-One Date
Farmer Chris
“Let’s Get on Track”

Andi is dressed in a darling green frock with a 40’s style hairdo and bright red lipstick. Farmer Chris is wearing his best cargo shorts and flip flops. It was at that moment that we all knew he was about to be Pretty Woman-ed.

“Edward would love that tie,” I said as Farmer Chris detoured from traditional and chose a purple plaid bow tie. Looking dashing, the couple headed to the VIP suite where they bet on horses, sipped mint juleps and visited with an old couple who have been married for 55 years.

Not one person yelled, “COME ON DOVER! MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN’ ARSE!” which was a complete waste of a good horse race if you ask me. Instead, Farmer Chris played against the previous night’s fiasco and took 10 minutes to convince Andi that he is totally there for the right reasons. He gushes compliments to Andi’s, “Sttttttaaaahhhhhhpppp” (read: a long, drawn out “stop”) and lands the coveted rose bud on the table.

But the fun isn’t over yet! Andi has a surprise. What could it be? You guessed it! A private concert with the band Train This Wild Life.

Andi and Farmer rock back and forth in their designated dancing area, complete with rope stanchions, when Chris goes in for the kiss. Andi wasn’t expecting it, but returned the embrace with somewhat of a convincing recovery. He continued to go in for another kiss and her body language became very clear that she wasn’t in to this moment as much as he was. Translation: he wants to live where the green grass grows and watch his corn pop up in rows. She prefers asphalt and a bagel from the deli. It’s not going to work out and his heart will be crushed as a result.

ROSE CEREMONY
Andi arrives at the rose ceremony wearing a bedazzled dress with a deep plunging neckline. I guess the “prepped for heart surgery” look is this season’s Build-A-Bear shorts.

Cocktail Craig is trying everything he knows to prove to Andi that he’s not in need of a 12-step program. Once he pulls out the guitar and serenades her with a musical apology, her graciousness begins to fade. She desperately needs a distraction.

Which comes in the form of Marquel’s plaid shirt and floral tie combo.

First Impression Rose Nicky V. continues to impress by creating his own date card and one-on-one time with Andi, complete with champagne, strawberries and “don’t settle for good when there’s great” speech. Sttttttaaaahhhhhhpppp. Andi wants the exact same thing.

You know what else she wants? Josh’s tongue down her throat. He deserves and Academy Award for pretending that she intimidates him. After declaring him a “hot mess” and leaning in, he goes for it. Why wouldn’t he? I haven’t seen that many green lights since Patrew and Andrick discovered their mutual love of Formula One.

With Eric, Maverick Marcus and Farmer Chris safe until the next round, other roses go to:

Ron from Israel
Greasy Hair Dylan
Pants Guy
Marquel
Andrick
Tasos
Josh
Beefcake Cody
Nicky V
Patdrew
Coach Brian
Vidal Brett
Opera Bradley

I was surprised to see Carl the Fireman go. I was even more surprised to see him cry as a result. The Other Nick was understandable. Perhaps if he had dressed up as C-3PO he would have had more to work with while dancing exotically. And Cocktail Craig was a no brainer. His maturity peaked in eighth grade. Hopefully it will catch up with him one day. He seems like a fun guy.

I have to say that there was an audible shriek of sheer joy when next week’s scenes announced Boyz II Men as a special musical guest. Newsflash: Josh can’t sing. GIVE THE MIC TO ERIC.

Remember that the show is on BOTH Sunday and Monday next week. Get excited!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee