Bachelorette Andi: Sizing up her dudes

The contestants have been posted ladies and gentlemen. And in keeping with tradition from seasons past, I chose a few contenders based solely on their thumbnail picture. Knowing what I know from District Attorney Andi, I looked for tiny pictures that appeared to represent power, intelligence and a guy who probably chooses not to utter the phrase, “Eet’s okay.” (Although let the record show that I bet some yahoo uses that phrase as some sort of ice breaker in episode one. MARK MY WORDS.) I may have also selected certain suitors because of something amazing that caught my eye that probably has nothing to do with what I think Andi may like because let’s face it, I’ve known her for five minutes and all she did was suck face with Juan Pablo on beaches before hailing her own rejection SUV to get the heck out of dodge since it was clearly NOT OKAY.

Let’s see how I did!

MEET TINY ANDREW
Tiny Andrew

I think I picked Tiny Andrew because he looks tall, dark, scruffy and handsome and I think that’s something Andi is looking for. He also reminds me of the dreamboat Hook on the wacktacular ABC television show Once. Could he be my Captain?

Andrew

Oh Captain my Captain! Nice eyes. Mischievous grin. Completely normal bio. Andrew is a keeper.

MEET TINY BRETT
Tiny Brett

There’s just something 80s fabulous about Tiny Brett, am I right? His t-shirt and blazer is very Miami Vice. But I think the fact that there is a black “spot” to the right of his neck made me itch to click because I was hoping and praying it had something to do with that amazing coif. Was I right?

Brett

IT’S A RAT TAIL! OR A PERM MULLET! EITHER WAY, IT’S WORTH ALL CAPS!

MEET TINY MARCUS
Tiny Marcus

It’s unclear if the gentlemen were asked not to shave before the debut of the season 10 Bachelorette roster, but Tiny Marcus seems to be a pretty clean cut guy. I think the lawyer in Andi will appreciate his choice of Oxford shirt verses the ever popular Henley tee. Am I wrong?

Marcus

I’d say he’s the boy next door! His bio seems pretty normal too. A+ for Marcus!

MEET TINY MIKE
Tiny Mike

Hellooooooo. The hair. I want to run my fingers through it. And someone once told me real men wear pink, sooooooo…

mike

He’s a bartender with an engineering degree who “gets summers off to travel.” I’m going with Daddy’s money? Or granola chic? This should be fun.

MEET TINY PATRICK
Tiny Patrick

Come on. He’s stunning in turquoise. His hair and teeth are impeccable. There’s no way Tiny Patrick isn’t just as promising in higher resolution.

Patrick

I was right! And according to his bio, he loves Paul Rudd. ME TOO! Because he does stuff like THIS.

MEET TINY STEVEN
Tiny Steven

I must be going through a hair phase, because I want the Biebs to make it through at least the first round.

Steven

The ingenious bio authors remind our bachelors that Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that. Then they are asked what THEY won’t do for love. Sweet Steven here says that he will never change his cell phone provider because he is granfathered in with unlimited data until he dies. To which I reply, “Baby, baby, baby, ooohhhhhhhhhh.”

OTHER NOTABLES

Carl

I’m going to assume Carl’s lips are a natural pink pigment at all times because according to this guy’s answers, he’s pretty MANLY with a slight “in touch with his feminine side” mixed in for good measure. He’s a firefighter. But he knows who Banksy is. He has a bulldog. But his favorite flower is a lotus. He enjoys working out but he once burnt a roast on a date. And he’s confident enough to wear a hoodie from Nick Miller’s closet. Could I be Team Carl?

And then there’s this guy:

Cody

He displays passive aggressive douchery like none I’ve ever witnessed. This is taken directly from his bio:

Do you have any Tattoos?
You don’t put bumper stickers on a Mercedes =). No tattoos but they are cool.

Oh Cody. Your fake tan is so pretty. It makes your teeth pop.

Check out the cast of characters HERE and let me know who your front runners are!

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