Bachelorette Becca recap: “We’re in Thailand!”
Bachelorette Becca Recap – Fantasy Suite Dates
We’ve reached a critical week in Bachelorette Becca’s journey to find the perfect partner. The digital map is back and a cartoon airplane dot, dot, dots across the Pacific Ocean to Bangkok International Airport.
Fantasy suites. Bangkok. Let the innuendos begin!
Thailand is the most romantic place Becca has ever been. This makes sense since the last place she jetted off to was the Peruvian desert where Arie made her camp out in a yurt with no adjoining yurt outhouse. The Shangri-La hotel is heaven!
Becca wastes no time spoiling her own season by announcing to everyone within earshot that she is IN love with two guys, but is FALLING for the other. She tells the camera that Garrett challenges her. Plus, he got the first impression rose. Blake (in a short version of Ames’ red pants) is the one she can’t imagine not having in her life.
And Jason is nice.
I don’t know how I didn’t pick up on this foreshadowing.
FORGO DATE ONE
Becca executes the Jump & Straddle (trademark pending) and takes it a step further by shimmying up Blake’s body for optimal mounting. It’s a good thing she wore her Fabletics affordable high quality activewear workout pants. There’s a nice give in the crotchal region.
Upon hearing that Becca is going to show him a sacred temple, Blake didn’t make one inappropriate joke like I did. He was too busy wondering WHY IN THE WOLRD Becca would take him to a sacred place that doesn’t allow touching, hand holding, kissing, or any affection of any kind.
It’s called foreplay, Blake. Get over it.
They cross the threshold of PDA and Becca is super stoked that this date is the perfect example of what it means to live in the moment. There’s something special about taking all physical contact out of the equation.
I find this odd. Of the three guys left, Blake is the one who can talk, and talk, and talk about his feelings, her feelings, the monk’s feelings, those crawling ants’ feelings, any feelings and never have to come up for air. Wouldn’t this particular brand of personality assessment be good for Garrett?
An English-speaking monk escorts them into a temple. I thought there would be some sort of cleansing ritual for forgo card prep, but then I remembered that Rachel already smudged Becca’s naughty bits with sage way back during week one. She’s good to go.
The non-English-speaking monk teaches Blake and Becca about honesty, serving, and love. They ring a bell to prove to Thailand that their emotions are solid and they are ready to take next steps. Blake eats it up with a spoon because he feels all these same feels twenty times a day. How cool that he’s learning about the fundamentals of relationships while kneeling right next to the woman he loves!
Suddenly, Blake begins to spiral ever so slightly after that revelation.
Blake: What if Becca is phoning this in? Will she take someone else to the “no touching temple?” Or worse, will she take that guy to the “all touching all day temple?” Do you suppose they will kiss? Is she feeling the same way I’m feeling? FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIS HARRISON, WHY?!?!
In the words of Faith Hill, just breathe. Keep it together, Blake.
There’s a storm coming, which can only signify trouble. Poor Blake must have felt a little silly not wearing a costume to the celebrity-themed dinner. Becca chooses Marilyn Monroe’s iconic white dress as seen in The Seven Year Itch. (Subway grating not included.) Perhaps he identified as a generic “bad guy” in an all black ensemble, or waiter at the Fig & Olive who slips his headshot in with Steven Spielberg’s bill at the end of the meal.
Becca thinks she and Blake are always moving forward. Never backward. Which is what forward means. Blake admits that he’s fearful of experiencing another horrific heartbreak and sort of, kind of asks Becca if he might be maybe in the lead. Because guess what? He’s nervous that she may have feelings with the other guys like she does with him.
Our bachelorette annoyingly compares Blake’s season to her own season, remembering the time in the desert when she wondered the same about Arie. She was sooooo in her head, just like Blake seems to be. She had no clue how he could be in love with two people, especially since she and Lauren were soooooo different.
And that’s where she ends her spiel. Becca will be the reason poor Blake will have to be rushed to a Thai hospital during a thunderstorm. Somebody get this guy a paper bag so he can eat his fish in peace.
Blake is all over the cartoon map and he says something stupid like, “What if it doesn’t work out? I’m scared. What if it’s too good to be true?”
Becca: YOU CAN’T SAY THAT?
Blake: Huh? What did I say?
Becca: Dude, I’m superstitious. Give me some wood.
Lincee: Hey, now.
Becca: Seriously. Give me all the wood there is.
Lincee: Get your head out of the fantasy suite gutter…
Now it’s Becca’s turn to freak. She asks Blake straight up, “Could you get down on one knee and commit to me in a week?”
Blake is unwilling to quickly answer, “Yes.” Not only is he a processor, but he loves a good Hallmark card moment.
Blake: I’m the kind of man who looks for a reason to stay, not a reason to go. I love you. I can see that future.
Becca is smitten by this heartfelt response. She presents the hand-written note from
the ABC Intern Our Host Chris Harrison inviting Blake to forgo his individual plastic credit card key for and old-fashioned one that could unlock my Strawberry Shortcake diary from 1980.
Becca escorts him to the bed and he shuts the door, showcasing his silhouette.
The next morning, Becca lays in bed next to Blake in full makeup, fresh lashes, and her favorite silk kimono. They talk about waking up next to each other and how that’s the best feeling ever. She changes into denim on denim, leaves her Marilyn dress on the floor, and takes off into the pouring rain. We watch Blake watch her through the window.
It didn’t feel creepy if you concentrated on Blake’s abs. Try it next time.
FORGO DATE TWO
First off, there was no Jump & Straddle (trademark pending) with Jason. That should have been clue #2. Sure she had on a skirt so short that it would make Taylor Swift swell with pride and Thai temple attendants rush to tie a sarong around her waist, but teeny bottoms haven’t stopped her before. This is a sign.
Second, they went through the market and ate crickets. The dude who has to eat the insects never wins. Additionally, as I’m hesitantly watching you chow down on a bug, I don’t ever want to hear “there’s the leg” again in my entire life.
Jason tells the camera that Becca is the best thing ever. He’s found his one true love and he’s ready to start a life with her in Seattle. As they walk out of a temple, Becca pokes fun at the architecture, asking Jason if he would decorate his house in the same fashion. Jason jokingly responds, “I could see our condo like this!”
That’s when Becca’s face fell. She couldn’t hold it together any longer and had to break away to process with her handler. She admits that she was having the best time and then her life flashed before her eyes and she saw toddler guidos with slicked back hair threatening to whack people on the playground.
The handler tells her that she has to go to dinner because they’ve already paid the deposit and her blue floral dress is just too pretty to waste. Becca gives her handler the old evil eye when Jason starts in with the future talk again. He sees Becca as his best friend, a wife, a mother, a lifelong partner, and maybe an accomplice if things get hairy.
Becca stops him mid compliment. She excuses herself from the table, which is weird, because I didn’t hear Jason tell her that he was a virgin.
She walks up and down the premises a few hundred times and then comes back to the table. Jason kisses her because he does not have the ability to read the room. She lets him down gently by saying that she’s in love with Garrett and Blake more than him. Then she grabs some salt off the table and rubs it into his heart like she’s tenderizing meat.
Becca: This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
Lincee: Really? What about Arie telling you “JUST KIDDING” in a hotel room six months ago?
Becca refuses to put Jason through the torture of an overnight date. He asks her one more time if there’s any way she can see a future with him. Could they use the fantasy suite to see what else is there?
No matter how many times Jason pleads, Becca remains steadfast. So he wishes her nothing but happiness and closes that door for good. She offers to walk Jason to his rejection tuk-tuk and hands him his complimentary t-shirt that says, “I flew all the way to Thailand and all I got were these lousy pit stains.”
She takes to her bed to cry all the tears, using her beautiful navy dress as a tissue for her drippy nose. She wonders why she wasn’t connected to such a good guy. What’s wrong with her?
Don’t pull at that thread, Becca.
The next morning, she takes to her Shangri-La couch wearing her Shangri-La robe. She’s super depressed that she sent Jason home, but stands by her epiphany moment.
Hey Jason. Head on over to Paradise. You’ll find a nice bleach blonde waiting for you.
FORGO DATE THREE
There’s the Jump & Straddle (trademark pending) that we know and love. Becca is super chill on this date because she knows Jason is already gone and a rose is definitely going to Gare. What could go wrong?
A national holiday, of course. The ABC Intern forgot to check the Thai calendar, therefore he had no idea that he was sending Becca and Garrett down a filthy river on a bamboo raft with ten thousand other Thai people. Talk about mass chaos. There were rafts, children shrieking, elephants walking around, people playing games sitting in chairs sitting in the filthy water.
Garrett looked genuinely worried at one point because Becca wasn’t doing her part to Huck Finn her portion of the raft. When things were less congested, both seemed to enjoy their time, except the moment when all the people splashed them for good luck.
All I could think about was “close your mouth.” Don’t let that nasty water in your digestive system. You’ll get an ameba and die. This has Grey’s Anatomy plotline written all over it.
That night, Becca struts around in her most creative ensemble yet. Picture a white bra top with white boy shorts. Take some delicate white lace and sew it into a 70s-style duster jacket. Throw on some rhinestone climbing earrings and be merry!
In true Becca form, she shouts, “We’re in Thailand!” because she can’t think of anything else to say. Garrett jumps in and immediately begins to lay out his emotions one by one on the table. He begins with his icebreaker minivan bit and ends with the moment he knew Becca would be the perfect partner because she made his skin tingle.
That could have been the forty talking. Or the ameba.
Garrett tops off his walk down Memory Lane with the very important, “I can work anywhere. I’m willing to compromise.” Then he tells her how much his family loved her.
Speaking of love, Becca is counting down the clock. She can’t give this guy the forgo card if he hasn’t professed love yet. What’s a girl to do?
Garrett gets the hint and finally drops the L-Bomb and Becca kisses him. She hands over the card, but the Strawberry Shortcake diary key is questionably missing. Becca takes him to a treehouse/tent situation that clearly doesn’t have a key. Convenient. It’s also convenient that she’s practically wearing lingerie.
The next day, Becca is reflecting in her denim panties about life, love, and other mysteries as she looks out her window. We see the shoes of someone walking into the hotel. It’s a man. His strides are purposeful. Whoever this is means business.
Please, PLEASE let it be Red Ross.
Nope. It’s Jason. He wants Becs to know that his love was genuine and real. And even though he’s crying right now, he’s totally cool. So cool, in fact, that he wants her to have the scrapbook he made of their time together on The Bachelorette.
Will Jason be the next bachelor? Picture him with different hair. Does your opinion change now?
In the most undramatic rose ceremony ever, Harrison escorts our two guys into a meadow with a hundred leis. (Hey, now.) Becca hands the first rose to Garrett and the second one to Blake. She is excited to share that they are all going to meet her family in the Maldives the next week as soon as her antibiotics kick in!
It’s a champagne toast! Garrett uses this time to cheers Becca and thank her for all the wonderful times they’ve spent together, loving each other and laughing and generally being MFEO as Blake watches and I hide behind a couch cushion.